What do I say when he says "I love you"?

[clubkitten007]

I've been with this guy for a few months and everything is great. I really care for him and feel like I could spend my life with him.

 

My dilemma is that today he said he loved me, but I'm not quite ready to make that statement. He apologized to me when I was quiet and then said I wasn't quite sure how to respond, to which I explained that he had no reason to be sorry.

 

It's been less than a year since I broke up with my fiance of 5 years and am hesitant to jump back into a relationship, which he understands. My last relationship just felt too rushed and I wasn't sure of my feelings so I don't want to fall right back into the same situation. I want to be sure before I say it.

 

So I'm not sure how to respond when he says "I love you". I don't want to ignore him because that would be rude and hurt his feelings. I don't want to say it back because I don't want him to feel like I'm saying it just cause I think it's expected (which would be the case). I want to say something that conveys how much I really do care for him and doesn't leave him feeling things are one-sided.

 

What do I say?

[Tony T]

You simply tell him that you have very special feelings for him as well and that they are evolving. Tell him that perhaps you have not yet arrived at the same place he is emotionally but that your feelings may be headed in that direction. That's all you need to tell him.

 

What you should be a lot more concerned about is what he means when he tells you he loves you. People have many different meanings for the word and feel love in many different ways. Just because somebody tells you he or she loves you doesn't mean a whole lot. Some people who say they love you could mean you make them feel really great after one of your home cooked meals. So many people sling the phrase around in careless ways. Those words are meant to be sacred and special.

 

Just remember, you don't say something until you're ready. Frankly, I think this guy was way way premature. He's not very good at this because a sharp guy will wait until he feels the time is right for a mutual response. He was off the mark. By telling him you feel he is special, that ought to take care of things for a while. Don't feel pressue to fall in love with him. If it doesn't happen...it doesn't happen.

[clubkitten007]

Hmmm...that seems like sound advice, Tony, but now I think maybe I should explain things a little better.

 

On my side of things, before all of this happened I started to think about the "I love you" thing and if it was appropriate to say it. I guess my issue is really that I think I may be reaching or have reached that point, but I'm afraid that saying it will create a different dynamic in the relationship that I'm not sure I'm ready for. By saying "I love you", I think that it would create more permanence to things than I'm ready.

 

On his side, I should have added that it wasn't just him throwing it out there. He was nearly asleep and I was saying goodbye as I was on my way to work (we have opposite schedules). It just kind of came out. When he apologized to me, he said that he didn't want to have it happen that way and that he had wanted it to be special.

 

So he's said it. He loves me. But what about those moments when we're saying goodbye or just a random "I love you"? Do I just smile? Say thanks? Joke and say "Funny, I love me too"?

[pinkroses]

you've only been going out a few months, to me it seems early to be saying the L word. If you're not ready to say it, you don't owe him anything by saying it just because he does. I think Tony's advice is good, that if you tell him you have special feelings for him too, etc., it will help get you off the hook. He would probably quit saying it until things evolve more between you. In the meantime if he says it, just smile, maybe give him a hug or something to let him know you care, but you're going to speak your heart in your own timing.