Men Who Are Emotionally Unavailable

[ComeUndone]

I suspect this best describes him. My desire to have my bf be more doting (more communication throughout the day, more mushiness from him) is often not quenched because he is a far more independent soul than I and generally just not as emotionally connected as I wish he were.

 

Is there some trick to dealing with men like this? We have been together for a couple of years now but I am really not coping with this much better now than I was in the past. Maybe things will change if we ever move in together or get married, but for now it kinda difficult since we don't live in the same city (but we do see each other several times per week). Contact is important to me as communication is all we have when we are not together. Sometimes I think the issue is with me, that I'm just too clingy and dependent on him, other times I think the way I am is just fine, that perhaps we are just two different people.

 

I have talked with him a little about this. I think he kind-of understands where I'm coming from to a degree, and he doesn't want me to feel unthought-of or low on his list of priorities as I often do, so he tries to make some small changes (calling/texting with a little more frequency) but it often falls by the wayside.

 

I've never been in this position before, to not get enough attention from my SO, to not feel he puts me on a pedestal, to not KNOW deep down 100% of the time just how in love with me that he claims he is. He has his mushy moments, which I love, but not often enough. Maybe it's just me being overly emotional, maybe it's him being emotionally unavailable too often, or perhaps it's a combination of both.... whatever the case may be I still need to find a way to cope with this. It feels like I am longing for something that's not quite there.

 

Any advice?

Edited December 31, 2009 by ComeUndone

[boogieboy]

He will never get better. This is the way he is. In fact, if you move in with him it will get worse. He doesnt like, or doesnt feel the need to be as doting as you want, you cant change him. So either you can deal with him the way he is, change your needs, or break it off. Nothing will change with him.

 

I see it from his side. Im not a mushy bf, I dont like texting, and I dont need constant communication throughout the day. In fact, its smothering. I have the satisfaction of a good gf, she tells me shes into me when I see her, Im fine with that, I dont need mushy. You might have to re-evaluate your relationship if the constant communication means that much to you.

 

See he will tell you he will try, then it falls by the wayside, because he doesnt want to tell you what I just said here. If he says no, he knows he might lose you, he doesnt want to let you down.

[ordinary_girl]

I can't give advice as such because you have to determine what's good for you, I can only share my point of view.

 

I went out with someone like that for a short amount of time (3 months), after we split up - when I realised we weren't going anywhere - we stayed friends for another 2 years, I got to know him really well and realised he had issues and he simply wasn't able to get close to women. I think from what I picked up over time that his mother was quite manipulating and weak and his father quite abusive - all of which made him distrusting of relationships and derogatory towards women.

 

I am not saying your boyfriend is like this of course but you have to think twice about marrying someone that makes you feel bad about what you need from someone. There are a lot of men who are happy to show affection/love/mushiness and have a healthy need for your company.

 

My ex had intimacy issues, that never changed over the time I kept in contact with him and he even admited that he had issues.

 

This is all I can tell you.

[Ruby Slippers]

He is unlikely to change. You are normal for wanting closeness and intimacy. Most women -- and plenty of men -- do. I left my ex for the same reason. I do believe that he loved me the best way he knew how, but it never felt RIGHT to me. I always felt unsure and full of doubt about his feelings for me. That's a terrible feeling. I was tired of living that way.

 

Sorry.

 

Good luck.

[TheLoneSock]

Maybe things will change if we ever move in together or get married, but for now it kinda difficult since we don't live in the same city (but we do see each other several times per week). Contact is important to me as communication is all we have when we are not together.

 

This is the key here. He may just be a bad communicator. If you are still seeing each other several times per week (which is enough when you are not living together), and you are fine when you are with him - but not fine when you are not with him and have only media tools to stay connected to him, then therein lies the issue. Your need for high amounts of affection coupled with him simply not being a good communicator (which can be improved, as it sometimes does temporarily like you said) is the only issue I see here.

 

You have been together two years, that is substantial. I think it's odd that you don't live together yet, but that is just me. But this is nothing to throw away a relationship over. There is a huge difference between bad communication and being emotionally unavailable. Things are fine when you don't have to rely on media to stay connected. This is an issue that can be worked on.

[mammax3]

IME, emotionally unavailable may mean there are unresolved issues in a persons past - and emotionally over-available may also point to unresolved issues.

 

If there was abuse, neglect or addictions in a person's childhood, they carry those issues into their adulthood for the same protection that served them well in the past. For some, that may mean dependancy issues, for others that may mean distance but it's the same defense - a protection against getting hurt, or an attempt to keep people in their lives so they can deny their hurt.

 

Communicating these issues can be difficult and murky, and trust is oh-so difficult to build at a real deep intimate level. Some people have learned from an early age that no one will support and love them so they feel flawed and unloved and therefore can't love another person.

 

This isn't a death sentence for relationship, IMO. Accepting a person as they are is a HUGE piece (but not sacrificing your own needs) and discussions around what works for the partners as a team (rather than pre-described rules about how a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" *should* act) is a big step to building trust and understanding. Another piece is supporting a person while they work towards combing out their issues so they can strengthen their self-worth.

 

The longing you refer to is him meeting your emotional needs. IME, this isn't possible because there will always be something he's not doing quite right, or your needs will become more convoluted as you seek more 'proof' that he loves you in just the right way.

 

Is it possible to discover the ways in which he likes to demonstrate his love for you? As well as discuss the ways in which he'd like you to demonstrate your love for him? And then vice versa and share your POV.

 

Open, loving and respectful communication (sometimes without an intentional goal to "fix" a problem) can go a long way in bridging gaps.

 

HTH.

[ComeUndone]

He will never get better. This is the way he is. In fact, if you move in with him it will get worse.

 

What makes you say it will get worse if we were to move in together?

 

He doesnt like, or doesnt feel the need to be as doting as you want, you cant change him. So either you can deal with him the way he is, change your needs, or break it off. Nothing will change with him.

 

I know this. He can only change things about himself that HE wants to change. I know that I either need to accept him exactly how he is or move on. 2 options - take it or leave it.

 

I see it from his side. Im not a mushy bf, I dont like texting, and I dont need constant communication throughout the day. In fact, its smothering. I have the satisfaction of a good gf, she tells me shes into me when I see her, Im fine with that, I dont need mushy. You might have to re-evaluate your relationship if the constant communication means that much to you.

 

I know, that's why I posted here for advice on how to work with what I have. I don't really expect him to change who he is, but I did talk to him about it because I have to at least let him know what level of communication that I am looking for. He wants to get any "issues" out on the table & he regularly checks in to see how we are doing, so given that fact I had to at least put it out there for him. I will say that I'm not looking for "constant" communication, just more contact in general.

[boogieboy]

You already know what youre going to get with him. You can keep hounding him on it, but you will get more mushiness for a while, and then it will taper off again. Thats what you get. Hes not a mushy guy, you will have to live with it.

 

Plus if you move in together, he will see you every day, why would he want to keep texting you mushiness when he doesnt have to miss you? No reason to send you mushy things when he can just wait to do it when you get home.

 

You will have to be good with what you have now, thats the way it will be, theres nothing to work with. What you want is to change him, and no little amount of change will stick, this is the way he is. Youre not getting enough, youre not going to get more.

 

You can chance YOU only. If you want to change what you think you need, you might be happier that way.

 

I dont think you are communicating properly to him what you really want, or feel you want. What do you want more communication/mushiness for exactly?

Edited January 1, 2010 by boogieboy

[ComeUndone]

He is unlikely to change. You are normal for wanting closeness and intimacy. Most women -- and plenty of men -- do. I left my ex for the same reason. I do believe that he loved me the best way he knew how, but it never felt RIGHT to me. I always felt unsure and full of doubt about his feelings for me. That's a terrible feeling. I was tired of living that way.

 

Sorry.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, that's it precisely. With the minimal communication I tend to start doubting his feelings, but like I said, that could be my own insecurities that are making my wheels spin. When we are together I am fine, totally sure how into me he is to the point where I will say to myself that I really need to stop doubting him, but then when we are apart again, if the communication totally drops off then I am back to doubting. I am seeking counseling in attempt to learn how to be happy completely alone, without relying on anyone else, but this will be a slow process.

[ComeUndone]

You already know what youre going to get with him. You can keep hounding him on it, but you will get more mushiness for a while, and then it will taper off again. Thats what you get. Hes not a mushy guy, you will have to live with it.

 

Plus if you move in together, he will see you every day, why would he want to keep texting you mushiness when he doesnt have to miss you? No reason to send you mushy things when he can just wait to do it when you get home.

 

You will have to be good with what you have now, thats the way it will be, theres nothing to work with. What you want is to change him, and no little amount of change will stick, this is the way he is. Youre not getting enough, youre not going to get more.

 

You can chance YOU only. If you want to change what you think you need, you might be happier that way.

 

I'm not hounding him, I just talked to him about it. We hardly EVER argue; I can count them on one hand.

 

I dont think you are communicating properly to him what you really want, or feel you want. What do you want more communication/mushiness for exactly?

 

I want it because it makes me feel loved and thought of and cared about. I like knowing I special I am to him, and hearing from him tells me that. It obviously isn't what makes him tick, but it makes me. I like it - it makes me feel close to him.

 

What I don't want is him picking up the phone and calling because he feels obligated to... I want him to want it, and since he doesn't then it is what it is. I don't want to change him, but I can try to find ways of coping with what I have. I know this means changing things on my end, not his.

[boogieboy]

I want it because it makes me feel loved and thought of and cared about. I like knowing I special I am to him, and hearing from him tells me that. I know this means changing things on my end, not his.

 

Is this what youre used to from previous bf's?

Have you been conditioned to this?

I can understand if he shows you NO appreciation whatsoever, but if he shows you the amount that he is comfortable with, then what are you going to do feel comfortable with validating yourself, and not needing it from him? That is a dangerous addiction like the other poster said, you could conceivably get worse with this, and no matter what he does, its never good enough.

[Lovelybird]

You have been together for 2 years, I think you have rights to want intimacy and closeness. It is not necessary you are the one should change. Do you see your bf has a goal or action shows that he is working toward more closeness and marriage that sort of thing? such as moving so that you can be together finally?

 

I am not sure you should work yourself to cut off some of your needs, but to make your life more fulfilling is a good thing, find some other sources to meet your emotional needs--didn't mean other men. I put myself to that mission--cut off my emotional needs long long ago, and I had a habbit to date only long distance men, then I realized this is a problem, and tried to change that.

 

If you see both of you are trying to make this relationship work, then this relationship is worth to keep. Otherwise, the burden of relationship is too heavy for only one to bear.

Edited January 1, 2010 by Lovelybird

[hoping2heal]

I suspect this best describes him. My desire to have my bf be more doting (more communication throughout the day, more mushiness from him) is often not quenched because he is a far more independent soul than I and generally just not as emotionally connected as I wish he were.

 

Is there some trick to dealing with men like this? We have been together for a couple of years now but I am really not coping with this much better now than I was in the past. Maybe things will change if we ever move in together or get married, but for now it kinda difficult since we don't live in the same city (but we do see each other several times per week). Contact is important to me as communication is all we have when we are not together. Sometimes I think the issue is with me, that I'm just too clingy and dependent on him, other times I think the way I am is just fine, that perhaps we are just two different people.

 

I have talked with him a little about this. I think he kind-of understands where I'm coming from to a degree, and he doesn't want me to feel unthought-of or low on his list of priorities as I often do, so he tries to make some small changes (calling/texting with a little more frequency) but it often falls by the wayside.

 

I've never been in this position before, to not get enough attention from my SO, to not feel he puts me on a pedestal, to not KNOW deep down 100% of the time just how in love with me that he claims he is. He has his mushy moments, which I love, but not often enough. Maybe it's just me being overly emotional, maybe it's him being emotionally unavailable too often, or perhaps it's a combination of both.... whatever the case may be I still need to find a way to cope with this. It feels like I am longing for something that's not quite there.

 

Any advice?

 

Maybe you two just aren't compatible? It seems like you two have inherent emotional patterns that are in opposition of one another. I had someone in my life who was very independent and not emotional at all really. He wasn't unkind or uncaring- he was just not very emotional. He never cried about a thing in his life. In fact, by the time the "relationship" ended- he had me believing that there was something wrong with me because I was emotional and wanted to talk on the phone everyday.Like, I really thought it meant something was wrong with you if you wanted to speak to someone every day LOL. For over 2 years I refused to be involved with anyone after that- and when I did meet people again; I acted very indifferent a lot and they thought I wasn't interested. That was really a long time ago now . Now I am with someone who is mooshy and emotional just the way I am and I love it. It's perfect for me.

 

THe other guy wasn't a bad guy or anything, we were just so incompatible in a lot of ways I was much too young to understand about back then.

[kimflute26]

Ok, I signed in JUST to reply to this because I relate to it more than anything. My now ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 years. During that time I felt the EXACT same way as you. My ex and I would have wonderful moments and I knew he loved and cared about me... but he was incredibly independent and always very busy. He was never the type to text, and he would often go 2-3 days without calling.... He would even totally forget about his phone sometimes..... Anyway, no matter how many times I tried to convinve myself that I could adapt... that if I loved him I could accept that he was just different from me in certain ways.... in the back of my mind I knew this wasnt what I wanted. I think he knew that too, and it was a reason for our breakup.

 

Fast-forward to the new guy I'm seeing now. He sends me good morning texts and is ALWAYS interested in finding out what i'm up to throughout the day (not to mention the long conversations were always having). I feel utterly special with him unlike anyone else I've been with............... It's amazing. You need someone like that too. You need someone who will make you feel that way every day!

Edited January 1, 2010 by kimflute26

[ComeUndone]

Is this what youre used to from previous bf's?

Have you been conditioned to this?

 

 

Yes I guess I have been conditioned to this from past bf's. They were all pretty much like that, not smothering (well, one was) but interested in my day and what's going on with me when they weren't around. That seems normal to me. I'm not saying he goes days without calling, but he can easily go all day and send only a text to say goodnight. Meanwhile throughout the day his phone doesn't leave his side for any length of time because he is very social and does a fair amount of texting. He's a social butterfly yet can go these long stretches with no form of communication with me... it seems almost contradictory to me. What I do sense from him, like I said before, is that as long as he is busy with something then he good, whether it's with me or work or with his friends.

 

I can understand if he shows you NO appreciation whatsoever, but if he shows you the amount that he is comfortable with, then what are you going to do feel comfortable with validating yourself, and not needing it from him? That is a dangerous addiction like the other poster said, you could conceivably get worse with this, and no matter what he does, its never good enough.

 

Well that is the problem I am having. I know I need to work on myself and be happier with who I am without the validation of anybody else. That is an issue. When my counselor asked me what I wanted to get out of therapy I told her "to be just as happy being alone.. to not feel I NEED someone else."

 

I know it's unhealthy to rely on validation from him to sustain my sense of happiness. It's interesting because on one hand I know if he gave me the level of interest I wanted then I would be perfectly content and my anxiety and doubt would subside, but the way it has been going I've been essentially forced to look for other outlets. Thus the reason I am getting therapy and posting here.

 

You said it could get worse and I could grow to expect more and more from him. I don't fear that as that's not really the way I am.

[ComeUndone]

You have been together for 2 years, I think you have rights to want intimacy and closeness. It is not necessary you are the one should change. Do you see your bf has a goal or action shows that he is working toward more closeness and marriage that sort of thing? such as moving so that you can be together finally?

 

Yes, he has brought up marriage several times here lately. This is a subject that was discussed briefly in the beginning, just basically our take on it... I was not in a position to desire marriage as I had just gotten out of a bad one, and he has never been real interested in marrying as he feels it tends to ruin relationships. The last 6 months or so though he has revisited the subject, wanting to know where I stood, if it was something I thought about, and said that until me has never looked to further his relationship but that with me he thinks about marriage now. He has said many things indicating he wants to be with me forever, that he never wants anyone else, etc. We have also talked about me moving in with him, or at least for part of the time since I do have obligations here (work, child in school & custody sharing with ex).

 

I am not sure you should work yourself to cut off some of your needs, but to make your life more fulfilling is a good thing, find some other sources to meet your emotional needs--didn't mean other men.

 

I am trying to do this. Sometimes I struggle to see the purpose in life. I know that sounds bad - I am not suicidal or anything but sometime life just doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I feel very out of sorts when I am home by myself.. I start wondering about life and what it's truly all about. This way of thinking isn't healthy, I know, but it has been my mindset ever since my divorce. My marriage was an awful one but at least I had my place in that life, my home, my routine, my family and it was ripped out from beneath me. That forced me to figure out how to go at it alone, give up time with my child, give up mutual friends, etc. It was terribly difficult and has left me with this feeling that life is uncertain, sometimes empty and unfulfilling.

 

I think I am not an alone person in general. I like doing things by myself but I do want the companionship of a partner. I think my place is to be with someone because life works better for me that way. I operate better with someone by my side, but.... I need to learn to be happy and complete all by myself and this is what I am having a hard time doing.

[Lovelybird]

I am trying to do this. Sometimes I struggle to see the purpose in life. I know that sounds bad - I am not suicidal or anything but sometime life just doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I feel very out of sorts when I am home by myself.. I start wondering about life and what it's truly all about. This way of thinking isn't healthy, I know.

I don't see your questioning life as a bad thing, it is a good thing usually because it is a start point one wants to change and aim for changing. For a quite long time I believe this "learn to be happy and complete all by myself", especially I believe in God, then it becomes "God and me, and that would be enough", so I spent a long time to be isolated from others, sometimes I am really happy spending time with God, sometimes I think I need to see God's love in a substantial way, a human way, it is easier to be a saint in a vacuum. I am a strong proponent "if you are happy when you are single, then you are happy when you are married". And I think many happy singles don't acheive this in isolation. It is great that you want to work on this area, make sure you also connect to others, maybe along the way you will find some talents and things you really are interested in, so it will enrich your relationship. I hope you have a good therapist to help you achieve that.

 

He sounds serious about you. You are wise to want to work out the life purpose first. Also make sure let him know what you are thinking, so he won't misunderstand where you stand, keep him in your growth progress. Maybe he will be inspired by you and also want to improve.

Edited January 2, 2010 by Lovelybird