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Thoughts on lack of jealousy?


tfkizzle

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I don't mean crazy, out of control jealousy. I'm not talking about the kind of jealousy one sees here all the time, the kind that stems from lack of trust and insecurity. You know, "he looked at another girl"; "he's always commenting how hot other girls are"; "I checked her computer chat history, why is she talking to this guy?"

 

I mean a very slight tinge of fear that you could lose someone valuable to you. Not because of lack of trust. I mean romance novel jealousy - you know, where the guy at one point is just very slightly jealous, not because he doesn't trust the object of his affection, but because he doesn't take her for granted. He sees her as very desirable, and his jealousy spurs him to win her over, straighten up his act, and so on, so he doesn't lose her to a guy.

 

If we think of jealousy that way, is it still a good thing for a guy, girl or relationship to completely lack any jealousy at all, ever? Is it a good thing to be 110% confident that there is no way any guy could ever compete with you for your girl, or vice versa?

 

Last night I met up with an ex bf and his new gf and got thinking about this. My bf had absolutely no problem with this whatsoever. I asked him before I accepted the invitation (he already had plans for a guys night). I texted him about it when I got home, and he said something like he completely trusts me, but he meant he trusts me not to cheat on him. Sure, that's a good thing. But that also meant - he specifically said this - that if I wanted to do something with the ex or another guy, I would break up with him before doing anything.

 

Yeah, I would. I am a trustworthy person. I have morals and self control. But I was also a little offended by this comment, hence my question.

 

Is it a good thing to have a bit of jealousy, just a tiny little worry, that you could lose the girl (or guy) you love?

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:confused: I'm confused. You are offended because your boyfriend trusts you? Most would likely complain if their SO did not trust them.

 

I'm not offended that he trusts me not to cheat on him. I'm slightly offended that that is his only concern. I'm slightly offended that he wouldn't have even a teeny tiny twinge of jealousy or worry that he could lose me. Not even a little thought in the back of his mind that maybe I could fall for someone else. Made me feel slightly taken for granted that he was so confident in me and our relationship.

 

I know he loves me and wouldn't cheat on me - I trust him. But if he was meeting up with his ex, the thought would briefly cross my mind that there could be old feelings rekindled, and I would feel a little competitive - be a little extra sweet or thoughtful toward him.

Edited by tfkizzle
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I'm not offended that he trusts me not to cheat on him. I'm slightly offended that that is his only concern. I'm slightly offended that he wouldn't have even a teeny tiny twinge of jealousy or worry that he could lose me. Not even a little thought in the back of his mind that maybe I could fall for someone else. Made me feel slightly taken for granted that he was so confident in me and our relationship.

 

I know he loves me and wouldn't cheat on me - I trust him. But if he was meeting up with his ex, the thought would briefly cross my mind that there could be old feelings rekindled, and I would feel a little competitive - be a little extra sweet or thoughtful toward him.

It would be a reminder to be the best girlfriend I can be, because nothing is guaranteed.

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So you would rather he always had a constant little niggle about whether he might lose you? Do you have this kind of worry about him?

 

No, it just made me feel he is complacent in the R.

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I'm not offended that he trusts me not to cheat on him. I'm slightly offended that that is his only concern. I'm slightly offended that he wouldn't have even a teeny tiny twinge of jealousy or worry that he could lose me. Not even a little thought in the back of his mind that maybe I could fall for someone else. Made me feel slightly taken for granted that he was so confident in me and our relationship.

 

I know he loves me and wouldn't cheat on me - I trust him. But if he was meeting up with his ex, the thought would briefly cross my mind that there could be old feelings rekindled, and I would feel a little competitive - be a little extra sweet or thoughtful toward him.

 

Youre not as secure as he is in his relationship. If you have a good thing going, and you need a tinge of jealousy to feel better, The fault is with you, not him. Im like him, if im not 100% secure in a relationship, I jump ship. No need for even the slightest bit of jealousy.

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He had nothing to be jealous about. Your ex was going to be there with his new gf so obviously your ex has moved on. I think you are so lucky to have a great bf who is so secure. You should treasure him.

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okay so maybe you are the type that believes that mystery in a relationship can enhance it. Thus the desire to have a wee bit of jealousy involved. I personally have little regard for jealousy. It has yet to make for a healthy relationship. If it does, Let me know!

In the meantime, Know this and know it well, What a great guy you have that is realistic and has taken the time to examine your morals and behavior. Some guys are downright clueless and could care less. Sounds like this guy cared enough to understand how you are and is willing to accept that human nature is such that a risk needs to be taken to strengthen the relationship.

 

Now envy is a wonderful asset. It shows regard and want without the negative connotation. I can envy my friend who has such patience , its an asset I wish I had. So it has a level of admiration attached. Big difference from jealousy. Jealousy hoardes, envy openly acknowledges a positive asset.

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Trust does not equate with complacency. A relationship built on trust and security with each other is a healthy one. One without that is hard work.

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I'm slightly offended that he wouldn't have even a teeny tiny twinge of jealousy or worry that he could lose me. Not even a little thought in the back of his mind that maybe I could fall for someone else. Made me feel slightly taken for granted that he was so confident in me and our relationship.

 

 

I would love to have a partner who respects me enough to give me that kind of trust. Perhaps he's not the one taking things for granted.

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Youre not as secure as he is in his relationship. If you have a good thing going, and you need a tinge of jealousy to feel better, The fault is with you, not him. Im like him, if im not 100% secure in a relationship, I jump ship. No need for even the slightest bit of jealousy.

 

OK, then whar keeps you from taking your gf for granted?

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He had nothing to be jealous about. Your ex was going to be there with his new gf so obviously your ex has moved on. I think you are so lucky to have a great bf who is so secure. You should treasure him.

 

I definitely do. He is fantastic :bunny::love:

 

But, the reason he is so secure is because of how I behave, and because I show him nothing but respect, when he is there, as well as when he is not there.

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OK, then whar keeps you from taking your gf for granted?

 

Everything except jealousy. Theres an infinite amount of ways to show appreciation for my gf so she knows I dont take her for granted.

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okay so maybe you are the type that believes that mystery in a relationship can enhance it. Thus the desire to have a wee bit of jealousy involved. I personally have little regard for jealousy. It has yet to make for a healthy relationship. If it does, Let me know!

In the meantime, Know this and know it well, What a great guy you have that is realistic and has taken the time to examine your morals and behavior. Some guys are downright clueless and could care less. Sounds like this guy cared enough to understand how you are and is willing to accept that human nature is such that a risk needs to be taken to strengthen the relationship.

 

Now envy is a wonderful asset. It shows regard and want without the negative connotation. I can envy my friend who has such patience , its an asset I wish I had. So it has a level of admiration attached. Big difference from jealousy. Jealousy hoardes, envy openly acknowledges a positive asset.

 

Well then maybe "envy" is what I'm talking about, because not one single person has yet to understand what I'm trying to say! :confused:

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Well then maybe "envy" is what I'm talking about, because not one single person has yet to understand what I'm trying to say! :confused:

 

We understand exactly what youre trying to say, but it just the wrong way to want to be shown love, thats all.

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Everything except jealousy. Theres an infinite amount of ways to show appreciation for my gf so she knows I dont take her for granted.

You answered the question "How do I show my gf I don't take her for granted?"

 

That's not what I asked. I asked what keeps you from taking her for granted.

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You answered the question "How do I show my gf I don't take her for granted?"

 

That's not what I asked. I asked what keeps you from taking her for granted.

 

To show the appreciation for her is the way to keep from taking her for granted. Everyone gets complacent after a while, no one stays in honeymoon phase forever.

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I would love to have a partner who respects me enough to give me that kind of trust. Perhaps he's not the one taking things for granted.

I don't take him for granted, and I am the one who shows him respect, by talking to him about meeting up with an ex. He trusts me because of how I act.

 

We understand exactly what youre trying to say, but it just the wrong way to want to be shown love, thats all.

No, you don't.

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To show the appreciation for her is the way to keep from taking her for granted. Everyone gets complacent after a while, no one stays in honeymoon phase forever.

 

You're still not answering the question. What reminds you to show her your appreciation (which is the exact same thing as not taking her for granted)? If you are complacent, you're not appreciating her any longer.

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Sorry but not everyone needs to have a little fear in their relationship like you do, to avoid taking people for granted.

 

Maybe you can share some of YOUR ideas on how you keep from taking your bf for granted...WITHOUT jealousy.

 

Im sure jealousy/envy isnt your only tactic....I hope its not, its not a healthy one.

 

If you dont like the answers here, maybe rephrase the question.

Edited by boogieboy
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Sorry but not everyone needs to have a little fear in their relationship like you do, to avoid taking people for granted.

 

Maybe you can share some of YOUR ideas on how you keep from taking your bf for granted...WITHOUT jealousy.

 

Im sure jealousy/envy isnt your only tactic....I hope its not, its not a healthy one.

It's fine for you to disagree with my OP, but having a different opinion is no reason to attack me. :confused:

 

Since you disagree with what you think I am saying, and how you interpreted my question, an appropriate response would be a suggestion on how you remember to not take your partner for granted, rather than ****ting all over me because you don't like what I said. Jesus Christ people!.:rolleyes::p

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I don't take him for granted, and I am the one who shows him respect, by talking to him about meeting up with an ex. He trusts me because of how I act.

 

 

Then be happy because you are doing your job. The same thing goes for your bf the thing that is keeping him from not taking you for granted is the respect you show him. He doesn't want to lose that.

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Then be happy because you are doing your job. The same thing goes for your bf the thing that is keeping him from not taking you for granted is the respect you show him. He doesn't want to lose that.

 

That's an interesting point, thank you, stillafool.

 

Perhaps my issue is that I feel he takes my respect and trustworthiness for granted. For example, he never talks to me to check my comfort level before hanging out with an ex. I'll have to think about that.

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It's fine for you to disagree with my OP, but having a different opinion is no reason to attack me. :confused:

 

Since you disagree with what you think I am saying, and how you interpreted my question, an appropriate response would be a suggestion on how you remember to not take your partner for granted, rather than ****ting all over me because you don't like what I said. Jesus Christ people!.:rolleyes::p

 

I didnt attack you in the least bit, boy you are sensitive. I did suggest how to not take a partner for granted, and if I misinterpreted your question, maybe you can rephrase it. But you took it as being attacked instead of answering the question, I guess jealousy is the only way you work? :rolleyes:

 

Anything can remind me not to take my gf for granted, I have to conciously remind myself to do it.

Edited by boogieboy
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