What's wrong with me? What did I do wrong?

[TooShyToSayHi]

Hi everyone,

 

I feel bad posting this because I've gotten help here in the past, but have been so wrapped up in my own drama I've not felt like I was able to help anyone else. I hope no one minds me asking for advice again.

 

I'll try to be brief. I developed romantic feelings for a friend of mine (we're both male and gay) shortly after we met. I asked him out for coffee and we went and had an amazing time, talked for hours. Then I got up the courage to ask him out. He turned me down saying at this point in his life he doesn't want a romantic relationship. Considering he's never had a relationship beyond a one-night stand, I took him at his word and we continued to be friends.

 

It's been over a year and we've gotten very close. He's a very private person but has shared with me so many personal things, things I know that he's never told anyone else. He shares his hopes, his dreams, his regrets and his fears with me. For whatever reason I was not able to let go of hoping his feelings for me would change. He often tells me how good looking I am, I've overheard him saying the most beautiful things about me to other people, and we continue to have marathon phone calls and one-on-one conversations. Lately, he's been hinting that he might be open to a relationship after all.

 

This gave me hope. Suddenly, a new person has entered our social circle. This guy is fit, perfect hair, perfect clothes, and I have to admit that he's very handsome. I started to notice my friend paying a LOT of attention to this guy (let's call him "Joe.") I tried to comfort myself by saying (in my head) that there was nothing to him, just a pretty face. I do my best to be friendsly and welcoming, because I know what it's like to be the new guy, and I have to admit he's very friendly and quite funny and open.

 

Hearing my friend talking about being open to a relationship "if the right guy comes along" almost makes me want to thump him in the head and say HELLO! I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!

 

He continues to talk about how "nice" and "handsome" this Joe guy is. But they've never had any interaction one-on-one, and my friend and I have spent COUNTLESS hours talking and being together. Now, I look NOTHING like Joe. I'm not particularly fit, my hair is a mess (though my friend thinks it's "beautiful" for whatever reason) and I've got a few problems in my life right now (so does Joe, but my friend doesn't know it.)

 

I can't rid myself of the feeling that there's something wrong with me. Am I so hideous, so terrible to be around that my friend thinks I'm not worthy of his love and Joe is? What's so wonderful about Joe? He's nice, yeah. He's handsome, yeah. But my friend says the same thing about me.

 

Where did I go wrong in this? I've been there for him when so many of his friends have stabbed him in the back. I've listened to him talk for hours on end, then some pretty Ken-doll type walks in and I'm suddenly a fat ogre not worthy of his attention?

 

Part of me REALLY wants to tell my friend off, ask him what's so wrong with me? What's so great about Joe?

 

I don't know if I can continue with the friendship, it's so painful. They're not dating, and I doubt he'd get the nerve to ask Joe out, but still it hurts.

 

Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? Can anyone tell me why I am apparently so unappealing to this man who has pretended to love and care for me all this time?

[D-Lish]

You haven't done anything wrong, not in the sense that it means something is wrong with you.

 

Maybe where you went wrong is holding out for the possibility that he would come around someday if you waited long enough. It's quite possible that he values your friendship over crossing the line into territory that could strain or ruin your friendship.

 

I don't doubt that he cares about you. If his track record is a string of ONS's- perhaps he really isn't capable of investing in a romantic relationship long term.

 

If you're in love with him and he isn't returning those feelings, perhaps it is in your best interest to start dating other guys?

[boogieboy]

Doesnt matter why he isnt attracted to you. He isnt, and you cant change that.

 

You went wrong when he told you that he wasnt ready for a relationship, and you hung out with him anyway. You should have walked away and never looked back at this point. Its possible that he might have seen something in you months down the line, but not while youre talking to him constantly. If he wasnt attracted to you in the beginning, chances are being in his face every day is only going to keep his opinion of you intact, instead of him wondering about you. Plus you made yourself available to him too much. Your time should have some kind of value to it.

 

Next time they tell you theyre not ready, you know what it means. It also means you cant change their mind. You walk away.

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you both for your responses. I know I need to move on, everyone tells me that. The question is how? You can't just STOP loving someone just because you should.

 

I guess I feel a little betrayed. I feel like he's lying to me, telling me how attractive I am, how wonderful, what a "beautiful soul" I have, how much he cares for me, when obviously he cares more for this Joe guy. We hardly even know him, and yet he thinks this guy is a better person than I am.

 

I know people need close friends as much as they need significant others. But, since it's perfectly natural for someone tobe closer to their partner than their friends, that leaves me in the cold. I really thought we shared something special, HE even said as much. But it seems like it was all lies. If someone is so "special" (and all the other lovely things he's said to and about me) and is so "attractive" as he's also said, I guess I just don't understand why Joe is so much more worthy in his eyes.

 

The thing that kills me is that if he does get up the nerve to ask Joe out, and Joe says yes, he'll probably expect me to be happy for him. Happy that someone who loves him (and who he says he loves) gets the heave-ho because someone walks in with "traditionally" good looks?

 

He's always telling me that he prays every night that I find a partner who will treat me right, not in the abusive ways my ex's did. The fact that I don't even get considered when he decides after years of slutting around to look for a committed relationship feels like a slap in the face. Can anyone blame me for feeling this way?

 

I don't want to leave our social circle, and if I do he'll want to know why. I don't know whether to tell him the truth or just fade away, and lose all my friends because wherever he is, they are.

 

It's not just this situation either. Since Joe has joined the group, everyone's falling all over him, laughing at his jokes, etc, all the things that used to be my role in the group. I was the funny one, the one everyone thought was cute, the one everyone wanted to be around. Now I'm part of the furniture. I thought my friend would be the one person who would stick by me. And Joe has taken him away too. Maybe it's all in my head.

 

Gees, I better stop, I know how pathetic I must seem. I probably seem like a lovesick teenager, and I'm in my late 30s!

 

Thanks again to you both for your input. If anyone has anything else to add I'd love to hear it. Now, if I could just find a "how to" on moving on.

 

Best of everything to you all...and thanks for listening.

[Awesome Username]

Being in your thirties doesn't stop lovey feelings!

 

I'm sorry that Ken doll Joe came into the scene, and is soaking up lust hearts.

 

BUT I need to tell you that your friend is thinking of you as a friend, nothing more. If he tells you that he prays near his bed that you find a good relationship someday, then he is thinking of you as a friend. Be glad that he told you the truth about not wanting a relationship, and not stringing you along

 

You need to do other stuff to get your mind off of this shebang. You mentioned that you're not particularly in shape - I bet going to the gym and running away that man from your head on a treadmill would help your brain (and hot guys hang out at gyms - double win). Exercise is the only way I can get over men that fall for other ladies or are still in love with their exes, so maybe you can find an outlet there.

 

Or you could go the other route and ice cream it while watching TV. I suggest the former. I'm sorry you have to go through this heartache. I did it once with a guy I loved when I was his best friend, and he found a pretty girl. You'll get over it eventually and find your own situation that you can be the king of.

 

I'm thinking Taylor Swift's "Tears on my Guitar."

Edited December 13, 2009 by Awesome Username

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you for that. Makes a lot of sense.

 

I suppose I'll never know why he thinks Joe is a better person than I am. I can guarantee that Joe will break his heart. Then maybe he'll learn who the people who REALLY care about him are. Then it will be too late. I won't be anyone's second choice. I deserve better.

 

Maybe I should just ask him "What's so great about Joe?" "Why do think he's so much better of a person than I am?" That would end the friendship, most likely, but I'm not really sure if his friendship is really worth it. He obviously thinks I'm a hideous piece of garbage anyway.

 

I wonder if we're really friends anyway. True friends don't pretend to care about you while secretly wishing you'd go away so they can talk to some piece of filth that waltzes in and thinks he's all that. I'll see them both in a couple days. Maybe it's time to have it out with him. Another friend of mine told me that he (the guy I thought was a friend) doesn't owe me an explanation. I think he does. I think I should have the right to know why he'd lie and say he doesn't want a relationship, when what he obviously meant he doesn't want one with me.

 

I just wish he'd stop the lies about how attractive I am and how much he cares for me. Why he's doing it I have no idea. He's not trying to get into my pants (obviously) so what does he hope to gain?

 

Maybe I had him all wrong. Maybe he's not worth MY time.

[torranceshipman]

I had a male friend like this - he asked me out, I said no, and he was clearly very infatuated - but in the end he said he was happy to be just friends. He'd encourage lots of conversations about stuff and always pop up on MSN etc, and so we naturally did end up talking about lots of stuff. He was trying to build intimacy hoping I'd change my mind and actually decide to date him, but I really resented the fact that he did that (i.e. he didn't want to be my friend at all - he wanted to use a guise of friendship to get with me). I thought he was a bit creepy, personally and dropped him as a friend in the end as it was just awkward.

 

I'm certainly not saying you are creepy!-but your guy sounds like he's always been respectful of you in that he truly values you as a friend, has time for you, tells other people what a cool guy you are, and was totally upfront with you about not wanting a relationship with you. He hasn't done anything wrong - he's always been honest - and he is human and wants to fall in love like anyone else. Joe sounds like he is his type - not better than you in any sense - just more his type. And everyone gets excited about the new guy, but as soon as he becomes a more familiar part of the group, the excitement will wane off.

 

Be careful about coming across jealous though, as that might affect the way people are responding to you a bit. And if you like Ken Doll's Ken like look (lol) then go for the gym membership, hair dresser, tan thing, bet you'll look fab (but only if that is who you are).

 

I bet you are a great guy and lots of cute guys out there would love to be with you, but to move on its probably better to spend a lot less time with your friend, and go out and meet some new people...

[TooShyToSayHi]

Thank you for that. Maybe it's sinking in a bit. After I posted my last message I decided to take a walk in the rain as I couldn't sleep. I came back to your reply.

 

As I was walking I realized perhaps I'm being ungrateful. Whenever we're in a group setting, he has a way of drawing the attention to me, always includes me in conversation, etc. It is hard to see him falling all over himself about Joe - but in a way, I'm somewhat responsible. He said to me once that my attitude towards relationships (not sleeping around, etc) has made him think about how he's lived in the past. I suppose I should be a little proud of myself there. It does kinda feel like I did all the work and some other guy will get the benefit, though.

 

If I'm really honest, Joe's not such a bad guy. A little stereotypical, but it's not like he became part of our group simply to "dethrone" me. When I see the guys that my friend seems to like, they are the slim, well-groomed type that seems to spend a BIT too much on hair products.

 

Me, I'm what people call a "teddy bear." Everyone loves to hug me, especially him. I know how I must have sounded in my other posts - but I really have tried to let go of him. I've just never felt quite this way about any man. I think every unreturned phone call or email has been amplified in my head, he is a very busy person, and always apologizes if he doesn't get back to me. I guess anytime I'm not his sole focus, I feel like he's avoiding me. Might be my imagination. However, I'd say it's a safe bet if Mr Perfect (Joe) called him, he'd return the call immediately.

 

But - I'll have to be content with the knowledge that while he might not be in love with me - he certainly does have love FOR me.

 

I'll be seeing him in a day or so, and I can't get out of it. Hopefully I can keep it together, and then manage to take a break from him.

 

I hope we can still be friends - but something tells me that's up to me, not him. Thank you all for listening and for offering your input.

Edited December 13, 2009 by TooShyToSayHi