Mixed Signals: When the amount of yes equals the amount of no

[Mr Nice Guy]

I'm really confused about this girl that I've fallen for, confused mostly because she seems to be sending a lot of mixed signals and because of them, I don't know what to do.

 

I met this girl online in the last six months without any intentions of dating her or expecting anything. We started talking online and talking alot but weren't able to meet up for about a month or so because she had a hectic study schedule with assignments and tests coming up. She acknowledged it was bad timing but said we could get together when she went on her eight week study break. We met up for lunch a week after her last test which went well where I gave her a belated birthday present. About a couple of weeks after that, I began to like her for her gradually and wanted to tell her. By this point we've gotten to really know each other but had reservations about it. Since the beginning she's told me about her ex and problems she’s been having getting over him, so I've been understanding in that regard.

 

Right now, I really don't know where her mind is. Even though I haven't told her, I think she might know. It feels like she's sending me mixed signals: acknowledging me and knocking me back/ holding me off at the same time. The amounts of both seem the same, so it’s not clear to me.

 

Her knocking me back/ holding me off is mostly through what she says. She hasn't said she isn't interested. When I ask her if she'd like to go out, she'll often say she's busy. Other times I'll ask how her week's looking and she'll give me her itinerary and I'd work around it, but she'll say "we'll see how busy I am". She says she's generally busy, which is fine because what person isn't. Even though I continually get maybes and few definite answers from her she has said we will go out together. Neither of us knows when though.

 

All that might show she's not interested, but her actions show otherwise. I mentioned before that we talked alot, in particular online. Talking alot means everyday, 2-4 times a day or every spare moment, whichever came first. When we do, she initiates contact and conversations most of the time and that means something like 90% of the time. When I wake up in the morning and I turn on my monitors to check mail before I go to work, there's often a flashing MSN conversation window with a "hi" from her, even if my status is set to "away". Or she'll message me as soon as she comes online. She’ll message me on her breaks at work and many random moments while at work. There hasn’t been a day that goes by without several conversations or text messages while either of us are on work breaks. Messaging has become more frequent recently.

 

So I'm confused about what I should do. We haven't been on an actual date yet, to date the times that we've spent considerable time together have been few, and we've really only spend short periods of time around each other. I've been on the verge of both jumping ship and staying heaps of times. Should I hang around a keep her as a friend and pursue her when she's ready? Should I cut her out of my life and forget about her? Or should I just keep her as a friend? Ideally I want to stick around and see if she'll give it a shot. If not, I don't know how weird it’s going to get, and if I’m going to have to check myself out of any kind of relationship seeing how I feel.

[jerseyboy]

I dont know that shes giving you mixed signals.

 

Sounds like shes been upfront about her being emotinally unavailable because of the ex. And she also enjoys talking to you, wants your company, if even just virtually.

 

In short she wants a friend, not a bf, at least from you

[boogieboy]

Shes using you as an emotional tampon. You shouldnt have let her talk about her ex. She will probably never go out with you because youre too available. You talked to her too much and she was probably never into you. Do not get attached to a woman before you get a few makeout sessions in, especially when you cant tell she is just using you for friendship. She will never tell you shes not interested, because she thinks you will bail on her then, and she needs someone to vent to, which is you. The guy she is seeing at school doesnt have to hear about her ex.

[trueblue72ny]

It sounds like to me she has a lot of her mind. It sounds like getting involved in a relationship is not a top priority to her. Just give her space and let her come around to you on her own if you want her around. I would keep an arms length for now and just be friendly if she contacts you. I wouldn’t let myself get too wrapped up in her because of the mixed signals you are getting. i think its a line about the ex. You do remember if someone wants to be with you they make that perfectly clear, either by telling you, or showing you. you dont hear about excuses maybe you should consider keeping your options open.

 

just my two cents.

[Mr Nice Guy]

I dont know that shes giving you mixed signals.

 

Sounds like shes been upfront about her being emotinally unavailable because of the ex. And she also enjoys talking to you, wants your company, if even just virtually.

 

In short she wants a friend, not a bf, at least from you

 

I honestly think that she must want my company a hell of a lot and must be getting an insane amount of enjoyment from talking to me if she's initiating most of the conversations and contact both online and text messaging and doing it all day, everyday. Like people would point out and some already have, yes, we have talked a lot, probably too much. But has anyone known of anyone who has done this without it meaning anything? I think people wouldn't talk as much as that: there would at least be a number of days without talking, if she only just wanted company, because that is a lot of contact especially from her.

 

Shes using you as an emotional tampon. You shouldnt have let her talk about her ex. She will probably never go out with you because youre too available. You talked to her too much and she was probably never into you. Do not get attached to a woman before you get a few makeout sessions in, especially when you cant tell she is just using you for friendship. She will never tell you shes not interested, because she thinks you will bail on her then, and she needs someone to vent to, which is you. The guy she is seeing at school doesnt have to hear about her ex.

 

When it comes to not letting her talk about her ex, she's done that with other people too, not just me. At one point well after the lunch meet, I told her that I didn't think it was a good idea to tell me any more, because my opinions about her ex would be biased. And I asked her why she was telling me. She told me that she just did and would tell me like she would anyone else.

 

Am I too available? It just seemed like she was pursuing me in some way by finding me online or texting me as often as she has. She messages me more than I message her. One thing I have heard of is leaving it be and letting someone come to you as you say trueblue72. I just felt that if she wasn't as interested, she wouldn't be finding me to chat everyday and conversations would be further apart.

 

I have been keeping my options open and seeing other people as well as keeping busy. But trueblue72ny, you say that "if someone wants to be with you they make that perfectly clear, either by telling you, or showing you". It seems like she's showing me or giving me some indication by making all this effort to contact me every time I'm online. But then she says she's busy because of her life (no problems with it) which is my cause for confusion and the constant knockbacks. Am I reading all this wrong?

[jerseyboy]

I honestly think that she must want my company a hell of a lot and must be getting an insane amount of enjoyment from talking to me if she's initiating most of the conversations and contact both online and text messaging and doing it all day, everyday. Like people would point out and some already have, yes, we have talked a lot, probably too much. But has anyone known of anyone who has done this without it meaning anything? I think people wouldn't talk as much as that: there would at least be a number of days without talking, if she only just wanted company, because that is a lot of contact especially from her.

 

 

?

 

Im not saying it doesnt mean anything.

 

But by example.

 

I get out of a relationship I really dont want to date anyone right away. I know if I do , Ill start comparing, and be more tempted to go back. Also it feels lousy, and I know they are going to end up wanting more than I can offer.

 

So I tell people. Brutally embarasingly f'ing honest and upfront.

 

So you talk, hang out have a good time, and unerringly its some "you are giving me mixed signals"

 

WTF

[radwimps]

she isn't interested, it's quite clear actually.

 

You got "Friendzoned" if you know what that means. You made yourself too available.

 

yes, I know, she has fun talking to you, she initiates the conversation. It's in part because she cannot conceive of hooking up with you and you are therefore "safe".

 

My advice is, find other woman, or just hang out with other woman in general to forget about this one. I know it's hard when you are already emotionally attached to the current one but what you need to do is just take a step back(Dont answer her on MSN/Email etc etc too often. Answer minimally).

 

This way, you actually have a chance of getting out of the friendzone and have a chance with her.

[callingyouuu]

I have been keeping my options open and seeing other people as well as keeping busy. But trueblue72ny, you say that "if someone wants to be with you they make that perfectly clear, either by telling you, or showing you". It seems like she's showing me or giving me some indication by making all this effort to contact me every time I'm online. But then she says she's busy because of her life (no problems with it) which is my cause for confusion and the constant knockbacks. Am I reading all this wrong?

 

Don't overthink it. If someone wants to be with you, that person won't be busy all of the time when you want to be with them. Plain and simple.