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Girlfriend wants to take it slow (trust issues and ex-boyfriend)?


IRREPLACEABLE

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IRREPLACEABLE

So I started seeing this girl a few weeks ago. We went out to dinner and stuff and we got on really well. We started seeing each other more regularly and it became more of a relationship. But recently I noticed she seemed a bit distant and I knew something was up.

 

Sure enough, when she came over to see me today she told me that she has trust issues after a bad relationship with her ex-boyfriend. She also told me that her ex had been contacting her and asking her for sex and things, which was making her feel confused and trapped. So she asked me if we could go back to just 'dating' again because she couldn't deal with being in a 'relationship' right now. Of course, being a gentleman I said I was fine with it and told her that it wasn't her fault.

 

But upon reflection I don't think I am fine with it. I can't help but feel somewhat rejected and annoyed that our relationship is being affected by someone from her past. I've always treated her with respect and she said herself she's never been treated so well. So why is she pushing me away like this? I'm really confused right now and I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks!

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The Collector

She probably slept with the ex-boyfriend again. She wants to keep doing that, or with other guys too. You've been too nice, and possibly especially in bed. You feel rejected because you have been.

 

Stuff about trust issues after bad relationships is usually rubbish. Like you say, you've proven you treat her well and she knows only too well you're not the kind of guy to mess her around.

 

It's only been a few weeks. She's just not that into you. Move on, and maybe read No More Mr Nice-Guy (I've never read it but I hear it's very good and possibly applicable in your situation) if you suspect you bored her by never challenging her, or being a doormat.

 

Supplementary questions - have you slept together? If not, did you make a move? If you did, how would you rate your performance? Sorry to be so frank, but whatever nice girl act she puts on with you, she may prefer her men sexually forward and experienced.

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IRREPLACEABLE

Hey, thanks for your reply. I know for a fact she hasn't slept with him again because he's in a different part of the country. I get what you're saying but I do trust her.

 

I just don't know if I should hang around and give her time to work things out or if I should just cut and run.

 

And no, I haven't made a move yet because she had mentioned before about wanting to take things slow but didn't go into much detail. We've kissed and cuddled and stuff though and I think that was part of what's freaking her out..

 

Argh.. why is this **** so complicated..

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The Collector

Many girls will say "I want to take it slow' or 'I'm not that kind of girl' and what they actually want is for you to charm them out of their panties with a little assertive but not agressive step-by-step persuasion, so they can have the sex they want and say 'it just happened' and not feel slutty. As Fonzie once said, 'sometimes when a girl says no, she means yes. But when she says she's gonna call the cops, she's serious.'

 

How old are you by the way? If this girl is under 17 or a virgin, she may really want to take things slow. Either way, start seeing other women if you want your value to rise in her eyes. As has been said in another thread, being nice is great, but it's not enough on its own.

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This is bad, bad, bad. I would bet any amount oif money she is still involved with the ex-boyfriend. He asked her for sex and she feels "confused?" Rubbish. She should feel appalled and harassed. Chances are good they're sleeping together. I would cut this off asap. It is goiong to get worse, not better.

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IRREPLACEABLE
If he lives in another part of the country why would he ask for sex?

That's a hell of a booty call.

 

Sorry, forgot to say. I met this girl at university, we're both in our first year. Her ex is at uni somewhere else but when they go back for christmas they'll be near each other and I'll be miles away in my hometown lol.

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