weird "friend" behavior from a guy I've definitely friendzoned - does he want more?

[beatsie]

Urghh, this has been annoying me to no end. I've had this guy friend for nearly 5 years and have had problems deciphering his behavior. When we first met, I was sure he was interested, but had a boyfriend then and did not pay him much attention. He used to go out of his way to have meals with me, give me lifts in his car and once he showed up drunk at my apartment and rambled on about how he could talk to me "all night" (but didn't actually do anything). Despite having a boyfriend at the time, it seemed like he could have been a great prospect, except he also contradicted himself at times, like pretended not to see me on campus or ignored me at parties every now and then, etc.

 

I kind of stopped hanging out with him for a few years (yup, years) mostly because his occasionally erratic behavior seemed unnecessary and irritating. Fast forward a few years, we're now in the same city and work a few blocks away from each other. I decided to catch up with him again about a half year ago, thinking, why not. New city, it could be fun, right? And it was fun for awhile. We would go out to dinner and drink probably once every 2 weeks, occasionally weekly, except he never let me pay, despite my insistence. For awhile, I would brush this off with the excuse that he's from the South and some guys are just more conservative down there. Eventually this got to be a little awkward, so I stopped having dinner with him and hung out with him only with mutual friends. But he would still find random opportunities to compliment me, put his arms around me, say things that could have been construed as sweet (if I were interested), but to me, mostly just annoying. I had thought he understood we were just friends - made it clear to him that I wasn't interested by chatting about other guys, offering to set him up with friends, etc. - but I'm not so sure anymore. Occasionally he seemed WAY too interested in who I might be seeing or hooking up with and would make comments about how I should take someone home with me. Once, while drunk, he made a weird comment about how I was one of the few people he "could share a bed with without feeling a sexual vibe" and then asked if he could crash with me (ummm, we live probably a 10 minute ride from each other). I said no. Recently, he calls every few days to "check in" to see how I'm doing. The few times I've invited him to hang out at my apartment, he will send an email immediately after leaving to thank me for my hospitality and company. Every time we hang out, it's inevitable that he will make some comment on how he enjoys my company. This is all well and good, except it's tiring when he brings this up each time we see each other. While I have fun with him, I don't think more of it. I should mention that he DOES talk about other girls with me and, I think, fancies himself to be very eligible. He will joke about having multiple "side girlfriends" or wanting to go home with some "hot young thing" (no joke), except he never really executes.

 

For various reasons I'm not interested in this guy beyond friendship and, at least in my opinion, have not given him any reason to think otherwise. But maybe I am just DENSE. My friends have, for some time, insisted that he's interested and up until now I've been in denial. Mostly because I've always thought of us as just buddies; the thought of hooking up with him is as inconceivable as hooking up with a brother. Anyway, sorry for the long-winded explanation, but any chance he's just a weirdo who isn't interested at all? If he doesn't get it that I'm not interested, I don't know what to say. And if it's the case that he really is interested, I guess I should stop hanging out with him for awhile so as not to encourage this weird behavior. Just thought I'd get an outside perspective, so thanks in advance. Fyi, we're both mid/late-20s and I think he should know better, ahem.

Edited November 21, 2009 by beatsie

[radwimps]

I see what you mean.

 

Here are a couple points:

-He still thinks he has a chance to get you

-You inviting him over/inviting him to do ANYTHING is just making the situation worse, and giving him even more hope

-Your "hints" about your disinterest towards him is clearly not working. Men are persistent, even if there is one in a gazzilion hope of getting the woman he love, He will keep at it.(And yes, by this point, I'm pretty sure he LOVES you and can't get you off his mind)

 

-Stop giving him these "hints", such as what you wrote "made it clear to him that I wasn't interested by chatting about other guys, offering to set him up with friends, etc."

 

The message DID get to him, but he's too blindly in love with you to stop with the chase. I know a few guys like this(And their all lame guys), they are just too optimistic to assess their current situation.

 

What do you need to do? You need to outright reject him, CLEARLY, and by clearly, I mean something along the lines of "Sorry, I know you have feelings for me but I don't see us together at all". You need to make it clear, precise, and to the point, otherwise he will think that he still has a chance.

 

Good luck

[dave22]

Ditch this guy. I don't see why you'd want to be friends with someone you find so irritating, anyways.

[beatsie]

I see what you mean.

 

Here are a couple points:

-He still thinks he has a chance to get you

-You inviting him over/inviting him to do ANYTHING is just making the situation worse, and giving him even more hope

-Your "hints" about your disinterest towards him is clearly not working. Men are persistent, even if there is one in a gazzilion hope of getting the woman he love, He will keep at it.(And yes, by this point, I'm pretty sure he LOVES you and can't get you off his mind)

 

-Stop giving him these "hints", such as what you wrote "made it clear to him that I wasn't interested by chatting about other guys, offering to set him up with friends, etc."

 

The message DID get to him, but he's too blindly in love with you to stop with the chase. I know a few guys like this(And their all lame guys), they are just too optimistic to assess their current situation.

 

What do you need to do? You need to outright reject him, CLEARLY, and by clearly, I mean something along the lines of "Sorry, I know you have feelings for me but I don't see us together at all". You need to make it clear, precise, and to the point, otherwise he will think that he still has a chance.

 

Good luck

 

Thanks for the perspective - you are probably right. I've just been writing off his behavior as what one could expect from an old friend, but maybe that's not it. I'm still confused as to how such interest could be so one-sided. We've talked about relationships and I've made it clear to him, at least conceptually, that he isn't what I want. So it appears my more subtle attempts to create distance between us aren't working.

 

Normally I operate on the assumption that if I don't sense any chemistry or attraction toward a guy, then we're "safe" and I am extremely at ease with guys I'm not attracted to at all - which might have backfired on me this time. With him, it got to a point where I was out with a group of friends one weekend and even introduced him to a guy who I am very much interested in (and he knows it). But who knows, maybe he was unexpectedly flattered that I was "confiding" in him. At any rate, it really has gotten to a point where I find him extremely annoying and have little interest in spending time with him even with others around.

 

The unfortunate part is, if he had ever been more upfront with me, I would have been interested in giving it a try. But his spastic, indirect behavior has turned me off in an irreversible way, not to mention, my gut feeling tells me he really isn't what I'm looking for.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Put simply:

 

 

Men are always "in-line" during situations such as these.

 

 

Whether they are the oldest prince, or some radio station DJ in Phoenix who is 104th in line to the throne, they are always in-line.

 

 

With that in mind, reassess your situation.

[beatsie]

Put simply:

 

 

Men are always "in-line" during situations such as these.

 

 

Whether they are the oldest prince, or some radio station DJ in Phoenix who is 104th in line to the throne, they are always in-line.

 

 

With that in mind, reassess your situation.

 

If that is the case, it doesn't really explain why he would behave so counterproductively. Creeping out a crush is just... stupid

[Thornton]

You may not realise it, but you've been leading him on. You accepted lifts and went for meals with him, you noticed he was going out of his way to be around you but you didn't set him straight (probably because you found it flattering). You contacted him after a period of not seeing him, then spent a lot of time alone with him, allowed him to pay for dinner on multiple occasions, allowed him to cuddle you and said nothing when he made inappropriately sweet/romantic comments. You answer his calls and have invited him round to your apartment (alone?). You may not think you've given him any reason to think you're interested beyond friendship, but I assure you that you have. He shouldn't "know better", because you've been giving him plenty of signs that could indicate interest. If you're really not interested then you need to lay it on the line and stop contacting him.

[beatsie]

You may not realise it, but you've been leading him on. You accepted lifts and went for meals with him, you noticed he was going out of his way to be around you but you didn't set him straight (probably because you found it flattering). You contacted him after a period of not seeing him, then spent a lot of time alone with him, allowed him to pay for dinner on multiple occasions, allowed him to cuddle you and said nothing when he made inappropriately sweet/romantic comments. You answer his calls and have invited him round to your apartment (alone?). You may not think you've given him any reason to think you're interested beyond friendship, but I assure you that you have. He shouldn't "know better", because you've been giving him plenty of signs that could indicate interest. If you're really not interested then you need to lay it on the line and stop contacting him.

 

Yeah, having taken a step back, I don't disagree with you, although I really never intended our interactions to smack of potential romantic interest. He and I are both attorneys at big firms in our city. This may sound bizarre, but I've kind of conditioned myself to go on autopilot with my male colleagues with whom I spend a lot of my waking hours. Our hours are crappy so we're often basically locked up with other. I am friendly with all my guy colleagues, but the friendliness is not intended to mean anything. We're just being collegial. I am closer friends with certain guy colleagues, but there's an understanding that nobody is interested in crossing the line of friendship. With him, I mostly saw him as another male colleague who just happened to go back a few years with me. In fact, I got in touch with him initially to see how post-law school life/work was going for him in the city. Boring, I know . As it turned out, we had fun together and eventually I just sort of integrated him into my friend circle here. It was quite easy for us to be close because we've had many shared experiences; our jobs and lives here are nearly identical in nature and pace and we also attended law school together. In many ways we are compatible, but end of the day I'm not interested. I never thought twice about some of his gestures/comments until they rose to the level where it became awkward for me to interact with him. And, yes, at an earlier point, I just ignored certain comments in hopes that he would get the point and stop...

 

All that said, it's clear nobody here really thinks that the guy is just interested in friendship. (And I also suspect I've spent so much time at work that I've turned into a social retard in some ways ). So I think I will just stop contacting him for now (or for good??) as this seems to be the best option for both of us.

Edited November 22, 2009 by beatsie

[Balthazar]

Unfortunately, the plight of the modern western man...he takes a beating and comes back for more.

This guy is mid/late 20's(great age), an attorney(makes good money) and here he is chasing after a woman who is unavailable to him...

In all honesty, and from what you mentioned,there is something fundamentally wrong with him....

 

If you are really a "friend", just cut the guy loose and never seen him again.

You'll be doing him a great service!

[boogieboy]

So I think I will just stop contacting him for now (or for good??) as this seems to be the best option for both of us.

 

Youre still avoiding the awkward talk. You did more leading on that hinting that you didnt like him.

 

At least deal with a lil guilt and do the guy a favor and tell him you will never be interested in him and he should stop trying. He will deny liking you, but push though it. That way he can mentally close the door on your for good.

 

men dont speak hint - stop hinting And hanging out one on one with guys that you arent attracted to. That is a lead on - especially since you only give hints to tell them youre not interested instead of actually saying it. Youre an attorney, youre an grown adult, why cant you tell a guy straight up that youre not interested?

[radwimps]

Yeah, having taken a step back, I don't disagree with you, although I really never intended our interactions to smack of potential romantic interest. He and I are both attorneys at big firms in our city. This may sound bizarre, but I've kind of conditioned myself to go on autopilot with my male colleagues with whom I spend a lot of my waking hours. Our hours are crappy so we're often basically locked up with other. I am friendly with all my guy colleagues, but the friendliness is not intended to mean anything. We're just being collegial. I am closer friends with certain guy colleagues, but there's an understanding that nobody is interested in crossing the line of friendship. With him, I mostly saw him as another male colleague who just happened to go back a few years with me. In fact, I got in touch with him initially to see how post-law school life/work was going for him in the city. Boring, I know . As it turned out, we had fun together and eventually I just sort of integrated him into my friend circle here. It was quite easy for us to be close because we've had many shared experiences; our jobs and lives here are nearly identical in nature and pace and we also attended law school together. In many ways we are compatible, but end of the day I'm not interested. I never thought twice about some of his gestures/comments until they rose to the level where it became awkward for me to interact with him. And, yes, at an earlier point, I just ignored certain comments in hopes that he would get the point and stop...

 

All that said, it's clear nobody here really thinks that the guy is just interested in friendship. (And I also suspect I've spent so much time at work that I've turned into a social retard in some ways ). So I think I will just stop contacting him for now (or for good??) as this seems to be the best option for both of us.

 

Yes, just cut him off. And if he contacts you again for anything, decline the offer.

 

"I am closer friends with certain guy colleagues, but there's an understanding that nobody is interested in crossing the line of friendship. With him, I mostly saw him as another male colleague who just happened to go back a few years with me"

 

I'll let you in into a little man secret.

 

If a guy is good friends with a girl, it's usually because he wants to get in bed with them. No, he might not want her to be his "girl friend" per se like the guy you mention, but they will always have some sexual attraction towards the girl.

 

This is really prominent in high school, remember the girls that hang out with 5 guys at a time? She had them all sided up with each other, controlling them like she's their queen. Well, you don't see that happening with *ahem, excuse my language* ugly girls do you? Unless the chick's got super pizzaz, you won't see it happening with a lower than average looking girl.

 

So if you ever see a girl with 5 guys beside her, remember that all of those 5 guys wants to get into her pants. And this is what you are doing, "Being good friends with a guy" is pretty much saying "I'm totally leading him on and giving him hope". You might not have noticed, but the "Queen" is you.

 

You may disagree, but from a guy's perspective, I'd never befriend/voluntarily talk to a girl that's *ugly* to me unless I need something from her in particular. Even if for any reason I became her "friend" down the road, I wouldn't really talk to her voluntarily unless I still need something that I can't get from others. The reason being that I don't get anything in return. Call me shallow but this is how most guys think.

 

Of course there are exceptions, some guys are genuinely nice, and they won't see you anything over a "friend", but it's extremely rare. However, like I said in the previous paragraph, 99% of the time, there is more than what meets the eye.

 

Isn't that great? thinking you have all your guy friends under your control haha

Edited November 22, 2009 by radwimps

[Midnight Rider]

Beatsie, nice post. I don't think your friend is "weird", but perhaps ackward around you because it certainly sounds to me like he is interested. It appears he is a combination of shy and introverted at times, and this would explain his random behavior of ignoring you or trying to impress you with talk of other women. I think he is having trouble reading some of your signals, and may think all the meeting up (dinners, drinks, him paying, etc) means you also have some interest. He might be timid and thinking if he keeps it up, maybe you will make a move or this will blossom into a romance. I don't think you should write him off as weird... you have known him for years and obviously a part of you enjoys the company (otherwise you wouldn't spend so much time with him). I think you should have a talk with him and find out where he stands, and try to communicate to him that you only see him as a friend and that's all.

[jerseyboy]

Yes, just cut him off. And if he contacts you again for anything, decline the offer.

 

"I am closer friends with certain guy colleagues, but there's an understanding that nobody is interested in crossing the line of friendship. With him, I mostly saw him as another male colleague who just happened to go back a few years with me"

 

I'll let you in into a little man secret.

 

If a guy is good friends with a girl, it's usually because he wants to get in bed with them. No, he might not want her to be his "girl friend" per se like the guy you mention, but they will always have some sexual attraction towards the girl.

 

This is really prominent in high school, remember the girls that hang out with 5 guys at a time? She had them all sided up with each other, controlling them like she's their queen. Well, you don't see that happening with *ahem, excuse my language* ugly girls do you? Unless the chick's got super pizzaz, you won't see it happening with a lower than average looking girl.

 

So if you ever see a girl with 5 guys beside her, remember that all of those 5 guys wants to get into her pants. And this is what you are doing, "Being good friends with a guy" is pretty much saying "I'm totally leading him on and giving him hope". You might not have noticed, but the "Queen" is you.

 

You may disagree, but from a guy's perspective, I'd never befriend/voluntarily talk to a girl that's *ugly* to me unless I need something from her in particular. Even if for any reason I became her "friend" down the road, I wouldn't really talk to her voluntarily unless I still need something that I can't get from others. The reason being that I don't get anything in return. Call me shallow but this is how most guys think.

 

Of course there are exceptions, some guys are genuinely nice, and they won't see you anything over a "friend", but it's extremely rare. However, like I said in the previous paragraph, 99% of the time, there is more than what meets the eye.

 

Isn't that great? thinking you have all your guy friends under your control haha

 

 

That isnt true at all. Think its truer of younger men especially. And I dont disagree that many men and women get into the friendship hoping it will blossom into more. Its also very difficult because so often the intentions of each, as just mentioned, arent always the same.

 

But as you grow older, at least Ive found, you acquire more and more friends of the opposite sex. None of whom are repulsive, but some of whom I dont find attarctive at all. To myself or others.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Friendzoing a guy doesn't make him stop liking you, and the more you agree to hang out with him the more he thinks he still might have a chance. Honestly, your best bet would be to just stop hanging out with him. He isn't your friend. He is a guy who wants more. Tell him that you want to be a real friend and cut him loose so that he can move on and find someone who wants more with him.

 

He will hate you for now, but will eventually come to see that cutting him loose was the nicest thing you could have done for him.

[jerseyboy]

Friendzoing a guy doesn't make him stop liking you, and the more you agree to hang out with him the more he thinks he still might have a chance. Honestly, your best bet would be to just stop hanging out with him. He isn't your friend. He is a guy who wants more. Tell him that you want to be a real friend and cut him loose so that he can move on and find someone who wants more with him.

 

He will hate you for now, but will eventually come to see that cutting him loose was the nicest thing you could have done for him.

 

 

Or just talk to him a lot about your bodily functions.

 

It would work with me:eek:

[carhill]

OP, I have a hard time reconciling the title to the thread text. He's firmly in the friendzone so why do you care if he wants more? You've called him a bunch of negative names and/or ascribed negatives to his behaviors but yet you still socialize with him.

 

I've dealt with women like this. In my case, they've turned out to be attention whores who feed their egos off of male attention when on the outs with their BF/spouse or are in between relationships. The clear demarcation is a combination of the negative comments but yet the continued contact, along with the clear instinct that this has been all about you, with little or no support for the 'friend's' life and times. Tell me about the last female friend you introduced him to

 

Have a clear and concise talk with him. 'I'm sorry, but I don't feel any romantic attraction or feelings for you; I never have'...... I'd then add a positive comment like 'I value you as a friend', but, in your case, I don't believe that is true, so would advise against it. Be clearly negative and end contact. He'll thank you for it later

[radwimps]

That isnt true at all. Think its truer of younger men especially. And I dont disagree that many men and women get into the friendship hoping it will blossom into more. Its also very difficult because so often the intentions of each, as just mentioned, arent always the same.

 

But as you grow older, at least Ive found, you acquire more and more friends of the opposite sex. None of whom are repulsive, but some of whom I dont find attarctive at all. To myself or others.

 

Isn't that why I said "More Prominent in High school" ?

 

The OP is mid 20s, just got out of college and hangs out with friends around her age, go figure.

[beatsie]

OP, I have a hard time reconciling the title to the thread text. He's firmly in the friendzone so why do you care if he wants more? You've called him a bunch of negative names and/or ascribed negatives to his behaviors but yet you still socialize with him.

 

I've dealt with women like this. In my case, they've turned out to be attention whores who feed their egos off of male attention when on the outs with their BF/spouse or are in between relationships. The clear demarcation is a combination of the negative comments but yet the continued contact, along with the clear instinct that this has been all about you, with little or no support for the 'friend's' life and times. Tell me about the last female friend you introduced him to

 

Have a clear and concise talk with him. 'I'm sorry, but I don't feel any romantic attraction or feelings for you; I never have'...... I'd then add a positive comment like 'I value you as a friend', but, in your case, I don't believe that is true, so would advise against it. Be clearly negative and end contact. He'll thank you for it later

 

 

!!! Carhill, it's more like this - I DO enjoy this friend's company and but for certain aspects of his personality would be attracted to him, which is why we hang out. He's in the friendzone because he is just that, a friend. It was never fully clear to me whether he was interested - his behavior has never been entirely consistent (he will go from trying to invite himself over to my place to telling me that I am like his SISTER!!) and I am not all that sharp with reading guy signs in the first place. My beef with him came when it finally occurred to me that he probably was interested and I was unclear as to the "Why" because I had thought I made it clear to him that I was not interested. But I see now how I may have contributed to this problem.

 

I last introduced him to a very good friend of mine about a month ago. Thought they would be like each other's "brain twin" - and they are very intellectually compatible (in a way that I could never be with him) - except I don't sense much interest on either side. I've also invited him to hang out with some of my other single girl friends (with me there) in hopes that he would hit it off with someone. A few times I was optimistic because he would spend a good few hours talking to a girl, but nothing has transpired of the efforts.

 

Radwimps, funny how male/female perspectives diverge. For me, if a guy is a friend, it's in part because I cannot conceive of hooking up with them and they are therefore "safe." The thought of getting together with my guy friends while drunk or some other moment of weakness is... kinda gross... like kissing my brother .

 

Anyway, I appreciate the comments and perspectives. I guess I will chat with him at some point to clarify where we stand. Why can't these types of awkward conversations be reserved for exes only... !

[carhill]

Is this the behavior you're talking about?

 

Occasionally he seemed WAY too interested in who I might be seeing or hooking up with and would make comments about how I should take someone home with me. Once, while drunk, he made a weird comment about how I was one of the few people he "could share a bed with without feeling a sexual vibe" and then asked if he could crash with me (ummm, we live probably a 10 minute ride from each other). I said no. Recently, he calls every few days to "check in" to see how I'm doing. The few times I've invited him to hang out at my apartment, he will send an email immediately after leaving to thank me for my hospitality and company. Every time we hang out, it's inevitable that he will make some comment on how he enjoys my company. This is all well and good, except it's tiring when he brings this up each time we see each other

 

If so, I would find it tiring too.

 

Since your OP asks 'does he want more', a re-read of your OP would lead me to believe, in light of your further comments, that he indeed does 'want more' and this is one of those times that a clear statement of your perspective along with a break would be my suggestion. Since you do seem to like him as a friend, checking in periodically to see how he's doing (wrt his 'feelings' for you) would be appropriate.

 

BTW, after reading further commentary, IMO you've been a good friend and I apologize for my inferences otherwise. I actually miss some of the similar good female friends I gave up when getting married. I hope he will feel similar and find some middle ground to make the friendship healthy for both of you

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If that is the case, it doesn't really explain why he would behave so counterproductively. Creeping out a crush is just... stupid

 

 

 

Consider that the best feelings we can get from one another are warm psychological "strokes".

 

And that the worst things we can get from one another are no psychological strokes (no contact) at all.

 

In between the two are cold psychological strokes...

 

 

 

Thus, there are millions of males (and lots of females too) all over creation "creeping out" their crushes because that sort of contact is better than having no interaction with them at all.

 

 

Does this explain it?

[woopster638]

I've dealt with women like this. In my case, they've turned out to be attention whores who feed their egos off of male attention when on the outs with their BF/spouse or are in between relationships. The clear demarcation is a combination of the negative comments but yet the continued contact, along with the clear instinct that this has been all about you, with little or no support for the 'friend's' life and times.

 

 

i'm was recently in a similar situation with a girl like that,i told her that i'm interested romantically and sexually,but she friendzoned me,but the wierd thing is that she would lead me on into believing that i will get a chance to have sex with her,because she would call like 12am and said that she is passing to check me,but nothing really happens but a causual hangout.so i analyse the situation,and its because she likes my attention and she is still probably in love with her ex,i found out this because she would call on him and say that she is hanging out with me,probably to get him jealous.............but anyways,i blamed myself for letting my guard down like that,so i finally kinda locked her off for 3 weeks now,haven't contacted her.

i know she is an attention whore when her facebook status said that she's found a new guy to hangout with and ....after that status,she's haven't contacted me ever since.

 

 

i don't like when girls do that,because some of us guys do develope feelings or wat not.................btw she is still kinda fresh in my mind,its gonna take a lil while before she gets stale lol:lmao:

[The Collector]

He definitely likes you, and is probably 'in love' with you. He probably takes any nice and friendly behavior from you as evidence/proof that you like him too. Has he ever made a move or asked you out? If so, and you declined, it's because you are 'shy' or 'afraid of getting hurt.' Have you ever told him about an ex who treated you badly? More evidence that you need more proof that he is a 'nice guy' who is so asexual he sees you like a 'sister' who he could 'sleep next to all night without doing anything' (because that's what plataonic friends do??)...

 

He's trying to get in under the radar. He thinks being nice and asexual will win your approval. He is afraid of rejection. And consciously or unconsciously, you've led him on a little. It's easily done, and in retrospect I've realised/guessed some female platonic friends were hoping for more from me but because I wasn't interested in them I didn't spot the signs.

 

Either cease all contact or slip in something about what your 'type' is, how he is not that type, and you never date guys you've become friends with already as it's too weird. Make it clear he's never going to have a chance, and if possible educate him a bit about how women go for guys with the balls to be sexual right from the start.