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Dating a Muslim...


TaleSpin

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So, I've been hanging out with this guy for 6 weeks. We've been dating for 2. He's Muslim, and he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I do. I've had 11 partners. So, we're pretty opposite as far as sexual experience goes.

 

We're ridiculously mismatched in regards to sex, but in every other way we're very similar. We like the same things. We have the same sense of humor. We can be completely content just sitting around, laughing with each other for hours and hours. We've talked to each other everyday since we began dating and have seen each other almost as often. He sleeps over at my house, and we do mess around quite a bit --oral, petting, etc.-- which is really great.

 

I need to know though, is this sex / religion thing pretty much impossible to overcome? Should I just throw in the towel now? My friends and even my mother are of the opinion I should just forget about it and move on, but... I like him.

 

If anyone is Muslim or has experience with dating a Muslim, I would appreciate some input. Where exactly is the line drawn as far as sex goes? Is everything aside from vaginal sex an option? Is it likely that he only wants to marry another virgin Muslim? Also, I did at one point with my last long-term boyfriend have an abortion. Does that pretty much disqualify me as marriage material?

 

Obviously, I have a lot to talk about with him, but we're taking it kind of slow and any opinions on the matter would be helpful.

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I'd assume if he's dating you and knows you're not a virgin then it doesn't bother him (but you should probably ask to make sure). You don't have to go into the gory details about your past... that's your private business... just tell him your status and ask how he feels. He's obviously not spending time with you because he wants sex, so he must really like you.

 

A more important issue is whether he's happy being with a non-Muslim, whether he would expect you to convert and raise your children in his faith, and whether you'd feel comfortable with that. His family might also create some problems if they have issues with him dating a non-Muslim, or someone of a different ethnicity (if you are different). You really need to talk to him about all of these issues; nobody on here can tell you the answers.

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SpanksTheMonkey
So, I've been hanging out with this guy for 6 weeks. We've been dating for 2. He's Muslim, and he doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I do. I've had 11 partners. So, we're pretty opposite as far as sexual experience goes.

 

We're ridiculously mismatched in regards to sex, but in every other way we're very similar. We like the same things. We have the same sense of humor. We can be completely content just sitting around, laughing with each other for hours and hours. We've talked to each other everyday since we began dating and have seen each other almost as often. He sleeps over at my house, and we do mess around quite a bit --oral, petting, etc.-- which is really great.

 

I need to know though, is this sex / religion thing pretty much impossible to overcome? Should I just throw in the towel now? My friends and even my mother are of the opinion I should just forget about it and move on, but... I like him.

 

If anyone is Muslim or has experience with dating a Muslim, I would appreciate some input. Where exactly is the line drawn as far as sex goes? Is everything aside from vaginal sex an option? Is it likely that he only wants to marry another virgin Muslim? Also, I did at one point with my last long-term boyfriend have an abortion. Does that pretty much disqualify me as marriage material?

 

Obviously, I have a lot to talk about with him, but we're taking it kind of slow and any opinions on the matter would be helpful.

I don't know so I cant give exact advice I will say just from what Ive seen on TV that it seams women def play a secondary role in a Muslim household.

 

Mainly meaning the man is in charge is that also something you can deal with if things progress to marriage? I think all religions have there good and bad points but this is something to consider.

 

PS I loved Tail Spin great handle ;):D

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I'd assume if he's dating you and knows you're not a virgin then it doesn't bother him (but you should probably ask to make sure). You don't have to go into the gory details about your past... that's your private business... just tell him your status and ask how he feels. He's obviously not spending time with you because he wants sex, so he must really like you.

 

A more important issue is whether he's happy being with a non-Muslim, whether he would expect you to convert and raise your children in his faith, and whether you'd feel comfortable with that. His family might also create some problems if they have issues with him dating a non-Muslim, or someone of a different ethnicity (if you are different). You really need to talk to him about all of these issues; nobody on here can tell you the answers.

 

Generaly muslims don't care if you are virgin or not as long as you don't have muslim brothers who would kick his azz for seducing you. Taking you to his parents is another matter. But not everyone is the same I guess.

 

Oh he wants to play chess then, if he don't want to have sex?:rolleyes:

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It depends how traditional and strict he and his family are, just like with all religions. One of my best friends is Muslim, from Pakistan, her parents are pretty traditional but she isn't. She lived with her now husband who isn't Muslim before marriage and had pre-marital sex. It really depends, if your guy is extremely religious I wouldn't bother.

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A more important issue is whether he's happy being with a non-Muslim, whether he would expect you to convert and raise your children in his faith, and whether you'd feel comfortable with that.

 

This is definitely a cause for concern. I would never convert, and I would never want to raise children to believe solely in Islam. But... I don't really want to start talking about our children after dating for 2 weeks. Haha.

 

It really depends, if your guy is extremely religious I wouldn't bother.

 

I don't think he's extremely religious, but how do I tell? lol. He doesn't drink and he doesn't have sex, but he smokes pot and likes fooling around. He's never talked about his religion openly as long as I've known him.

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I don't think he's extremely religious, but how do I tell? lol. He doesn't drink and he doesn't have sex, but he smokes pot and likes fooling around. He's never talked about his religion openly as long as I've known him.

 

Does he do the 5 daily prayers? Does he follow halal?

 

I don't think that him being a strict Muslim is a BAD thing, but it may have a strong impact of your future with him.

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Dating a muslim....lol. There must be a drastic shortage of men in California or something. Try dating someone who practices voodoo next time...

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i dated a muslim once, actually he was my first proper love.

we did have sex, but he didnt drink.

I would have had to convert if i had wanted to marry him, i'm an atheist so obviously i felt that it was not something i could do.

not only because i dont believe, but also i felt its living a lie pretending to believe just to be with one person.

 

the issue of conversion is actually the most important thing. i know you dont want to talk about it yet, but its not a good idea to get too far involved if ultimately he requires you to convert.

 

he wouldnt hold hands with me in the street or anything like that in case someone from his mosque saw him.

 

ultimately, his relationship with allah was more important to him than ours.

I would never convert, so that was that.

 

A devout muslim wont put anyone before allah.

If he's made to choose, unless the circumstances are highly unusual, he will choose allah over you. you need to be aware of this.

Edited by Malenfant
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Dating a muslim....lol. There must be a drastic shortage of men in California or something. Try dating someone who practices voodoo next time...

 

Um... I'm not really down with religious discrimination. This has nothing to do with a shortage of men, but it certainly isn't everyday that I meet an attractive, smart, talented, funny, emotionally available man. Jackass.

 

i dated a muslim once, actually he was my first proper love.

we did have sex, but he didnt drink.

I would have had to convert if i had wanted to marry him, i'm an atheist so obviously i felt that it was not something i could do.

 

he wouldnt hold hands with me in the street or anything like that in case someone from his mosque saw him.

 

Yeah, I could never convert either. So, I guess maybe I should find out about that. Of course, I wouldn't care about all the converting stuff if we were having sex, lol. It's just that if I'm not going to have sex, I don't want it to be for no reason. He's very affectionate with me in public and in front of his friends. I like it. I don't know if I could deal with him not holding my hand in public. :eek:

 

Does he do the 5 daily prayers? Does he follow halal?

 

I don't think that him being a strict Muslim is a BAD thing, but it may have a strong impact of your future with him.

 

I've never seen him pray, and I've spent the majority of the day with him. He doesn't have any dietary restrictions that I know of aside from not drinking, but I think that smoking pot goes against halal, doesn't it?

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Muslims would marry only a virgin in an arranged marriage.

Their extended family's opinion is very important to them.

Muslims do love to have sex with white females but they have their idea about females' morals which is that a moral girl should have sex only with her husband. If they get divorsed, a muslim woman would not have sex untill she get married again.

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My parent's are from a Muslim origin, father was very rigid growing up. He's not like that anymore but me and my siblings were not allowed to act up or we would be reprimanded – verbally and physically (and not the occasional butt spanking either). I don't recall sex as something that was really spoken about in our household either.

 

I know that doesn't tie in to your original question with the religion aspect, but rather an example of someone's background from a Muslim origin.

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I'd assume if he's dating you and knows you're not a virgin then it doesn't bother him (but you should probably ask to make sure).

I wouldn't necessarily assume that. He may be more easy-going now when the relationship is more casual, but it might matter to him when things get serious (if he's devout). Some Muslims (or whatever religion) do have an attitude that it's OK to date or mess around with non-believers, but then strictly adhere to religious norms when it comes to marriage.

 

A more important issue is whether he's happy being with a non-Muslim, whether he would expect you to convert and raise your children in his faith, and whether you'd feel comfortable with that. His family might also create some problems if they have issues with him dating a non-Muslim, or someone of a different ethnicity (if you are different). You really need to talk to him about all of these issues; nobody on here can tell you the answers.

His family needs to be seriously considered, even if he seems like a lax Muslim. I've known many Muslim guys that were really laid back and non-religious during their teens (OK with smoking, drinking, etc) but then felt heavy familial pressure as they got older and became very traditional/fundamentalist.

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Muslims would marry only a virgin in an arranged marriage.

 

I doubt this is true of his family. He, his siblings, and cousins are all American-born. I think his parents may have been born here too, and I don't think arranged marriage is practiced in their family. His cousins are all half-white. I mean, I guess they could have arranged a marriage with a white Muslim, but that seems unlikely. :p

 

I wouldn't necessarily assume that. He may be more easy-going now when the relationship is more casual, but it might matter to him when things get serious (if he's devout). Some Muslims (or whatever religion) do have an attitude that it's OK to date or mess around with non-believers, but then strictly adhere to religious norms when it comes to marriage.

 

His family needs to be seriously considered, even if he seems like a lax Muslim. I've known many Muslim guys that were really laid back and non-religious during their teens (OK with smoking, drinking, etc) but then felt heavy familial pressure as they got older and became very traditional/fundamentalist.

 

Well, we both smoke cigarettes. He smokes pot. He's 25, has a job, direction in life, etc. So, I would think he's well into his adult stage.

 

I haven't really known this guy for very long, but we've ran in the same circle of people since high school. I only know of one other girl he dated. She was white and some sort of Christian. They dated for a while, year or two maybe. She broke up with him and then very shortly after was engaged to someone else, and I remember hearing people whispering saying not to tell him she was engaged because he was still pretty upset about them breaking up and whatnot. This was a long time ago, though. Also, there are pretty much no other Muslims in this town, lol. So... I think it would be difficult for him to only date other Muslims.

 

I might see him tonight. WHAT SHOULD I ASK?

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I might see him tonight. WHAT SHOULD I ASK?

 

If you feel like there is a possible future with him there is nothing wrong with asking him if he feels like his religion would prevent a future with you. You can ask him how he feels about a future with a woman who is not Muslim and not a virgin.

 

Interestingly enough I have had strangers on this forum tell me that my now fiance would never be serious about me because I was not Indian and not Hindu.

 

I explained that his family loved me and that we had a great relationship but I was still told "Indian men will mess around with white women but never settle down with one." :rolleyes:

 

You know him best, don't let people talk you out of a possibly wonderful relationship. Good luck.

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Lol. Some people really have skewed ideas of Muslim. I love it that those who don't really know about Islam/Muslim is responding to this thread. At least, allina knows what she's talking about.

 

Tale Spin, if you're a Christian woman, you don't need to convert if you guys plan to get married in the future. If you were a man, however, you need to convert. Google it. There are sites on this matter alone.

 

You have to understand that in Islam, there are those from different mazhabs. Different mazhabs hold different practises/beliefs but over all, it is not right to drink alcohol [but as you know, some do drink anyway]. Same goes with sex : they are against it but people do it anyways. From what I observed and know, Muslims from UAE are strict and they do not treat their women fairly unless they are brought up in another country. Iraqis [as bad as the Hollywood etc portray them] are actually gentlemen and treat their women like queen [from experience].

 

Muslim men [if you really get to know them especially those from Iraq, China, Mongolia, Bosnia, Malaysia] do not date white women to "fool around" :rolleyes:. There are plenty of other races/religion for them to do that with.

 

I hope that answers some of your questions.

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Tale Spin, if you're a Christian woman, you don't need to convert if you guys plan to get married in the future. If you were a man, however, you need to convert. Google it. There are sites on this matter alone.

 

that may be correct in theory, but I dated a muslim, and he would not even consider the possibility of marrying anyone non-muslim.

 

so I think really its down to the individual, and what he/she requires.

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that may be correct in theory, but I dated a muslim, and he would not even consider the possibility of marrying anyone non-muslim.

 

so I think really its down to the individual, and what he/she requires.

 

Then you met the wrong one :) It works for some, it doesn't for others. Life goes on. Just don't put all male Muslims in the same category/type.

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Then you met the wrong one :) It works for some, it doesn't for others. Life goes on. Just don't put all male Muslims in the same category/type.

 

 

I wouldnt generalise.

 

I'm just sharing my experience with dating one particular muslim, which is what the OP asked for :)

 

Yeah, he was the wrong one, but due to my own beliefs, i wouldnt be happy compromising over religion in any way. I wouldnt be being true to myself.

 

And he was from south africa, so I cant and wont compare him at all to american or european muslims.

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Due to the nature of my field I am exposed to people from all over. I dated an Indian woman as well as a Persian (Iranian). The Indian was Hindu and the Persian was Muslem. They were both very nice and I dated each for about a year but there is significant family issues with each. They dont like to marry outside of their group.

 

With the Persian her and most of her family was quite moderate. They ate pork, drank alchohol, etc... all the things they were not supposed to be doing. That included having sex. In the time I knew them neither the girl I was dating nor her sister dated Muslems. They were totally westernized. I asked once about it and they told me they would not date muslem men because its just too hard. In the beginning I did not understand but the longer I was around them I got it.

 

Now her brothers were not liberal even though they were born here. They were very strict fundamentalists and followed the letter of the law so to speak. Prayed multiple times a day, no alchohol, no pork, etc.... The only thing I know for a fact they were totally down with was having sex with as many non-Muslems as they could. That means western women.

 

They definitely separated in their minds, muslem and non-muslem women. Muslem women were not supposed to have sex outside of marriage, period - the end. Western women on the other hand were generally regarded as whores and sluts. To be used and thrown away.

 

Do not discount the power of his family over him. If his family controls him and most do, he will do whatever they want. If that means marrying a muslem woman, he will do it. Beleive me when I say this, because I have seen it first hand. Well educated guys, totally westernized and the next thing they were getting married. Literally with no warning to someone they did not know. Next week they were married. End of story.

 

My advice is you need to find out how religous he is. The fact that he says no sex before marriage says a lot. Is he praying multiple times a day? Does his family's life revolve around the local mosque?

 

If so I think you are going to have a rough road ahead of you.

 

Here is a link on Muslem web site outlining the views:

 

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503543072

Edited by tincanman99
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I disagree. I have dated Muslims ~ from different mazhabs too and some of them, although they pray 5 times a day, it means nothing to them so that does not really make them 'religious'. It all boils down to how they are being brought up. Some Muslim men do follow what their parents want but some are as any of us ~ they make decisions on their own and expect their parents to respect their decisions. Some are even willing to against their parents' wishes coz it's their life that they are talking about, not their parents.

 

Some women from Iran are having pre-marital sex as I am typing this ;). I'm a Muslim and I'm not a virgin. It's my choice. Whatever I do, it's between me and Allah. It's the same for some others as well.

 

People have different experiences with other races so it all comes down to how this guy you're dating is like, TailSpin. You can only hear from us who have had experience in this ~ for some, it works well. Some inter-racial/religion marriages do work. My parents', my uncles/aunts and cousins. As I said earlier, it depends on the mazhabs. Some of us are Muslim but that doesn't mean we are extremists :)

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Midnight Rider

I would follow the advice of your parents and friends. It will be complicated when you mix faiths. What will your children be? Are you comfortable with naming your kids names like Abdul, Mohamed or Malika instead of Stephen, Nick or Christina? Are you familiar with any of the teachings of their holy book? It is permissible for a Muslim man to have additional wives, and they are also permitted to beat their wife. Are you ok with that? Think about it a little more and just be careful.

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I would follow the advice of your parents and friends. It will be complicated when you mix faiths. What will your children be? Are you comfortable with naming your kids names like Abdul, Mohamed or Malika instead of Stephen, Nick or Christina? Are you familiar with any of the teachings of their holy book? It is permissible for a Muslim man to have additional wives, and they are also permitted to beat their wife. Are you ok with that? Think about it a little more and just be careful.

 

Where in the world did you hear that from?!

 

Seriously, where do you guys get all this information from? They are ridiculous! It's not a must to name them Mohamed/Muhammad/Mohd or Ahmad/Ahmed or Abdul :rolleyes:

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Midnight Rider
Where in the world did you hear that from?!

 

Oh I don't know, maybe this?

 

Qur'an (4:34) - "Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great."

 

Is this not present in your Qur'an, or is is a false teaching/verse? Not my words, but came from your prophet. :p

 

 

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Oh I don't know, maybe this?

 

Qur'an (4:34) - "Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them; surely Allah is High, Great."

 

Is this not present in your Qur'an, or is is a false teaching/verse? Not my words, but came from your prophet. :p

 

Have you read the whole Qu'ran? Do you understand? If you were to go to any Islamic forum, you will know that Islam does not permit beating up men, let alone women!

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