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I am unworthy of love and will never find love, how do I make mysef feel better?


LB85

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I am 21, never dated, had a boyfriend of anything. Yes I have had crushes, kissed 2 or 3 guys at the club (friends, just to see what its like and because a few drinks facilitated it). After these kisses, I just felt crap and did not think they were worth it. I always wanted a boyfriend, just someone caring. I have liked 2 guys intensely but they liking was never returned. I am a pretty girl and guys do look, but looks don't matter since people of all shapes and sizes enter great relationships.

 

Even though I know I'm pretty (because people kindly keep complimenting me), thats all I'm confident about and otherwise I wonder why I'm so hideous as to never be THE girl for guys. I used to be very confident,focussed, happy,active and just alright. Since the last guy I liked treated me like crap (I let my guard down for the first time and got crap in return, without deserving it) I feel like I maybe do deserve to be treated the way I am by guys and that I'm actually not entitled to find a great guy, or experience anything. I just feel like I'm fooling myself when I tell myself otherwise.

 

I am already 21, and since I'm Indian, my relatives are going to start putting pressure on me to get married. I already got a 'bigshot' marriage proposal for a tall, handsome, rich, kind guy. My mum said we might be interested and so the 'mediator' (guys aunt) said she would like to send me a photo of the guy. When we got home, my mum said she would never agree to this kind of marriage unless I met a guy who I were to be 100% sure of. But you know, in the few hours my mum did say yes, I told my bestfriend and she asked if I was going to say yes. In all honesty, I had decided that if my parents like the guy, then I will agree to it.

 

At this point I realised that love isn't important to me (Why hope for something I will never experience) and that I've already missed out on a lot (despite some people saying I'm still young).

 

My only problem is that I sometimes get panic attacks and burst into loud cries just because I hate it that I don't deserve to have what I want (just to be that girl). My closest friends tell me to be positive and that I can only attract something if I'm open, don't look etc.. (but I have tried everything and never gained anything).So what can I do to solve my problem, to think differently ( I tried believing in love and it feels as though I'm fooling myself). I've deserved to be treated the way I was by guys, I don't have any friends I can really talk to (anymore), because I think their too damn tired and because I don't dare to share this with some of them. Thank you

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woa.. first believe in yourself. 2nd, recognize that whatever you think life has in store for you, good and bad, is totally wrong. So just go with the ride. You have no idea what's going to happen, so don't tell yourself you do or it will.

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I am 21, never dated, had a boyfriend of anything. Yes I have had crushes, kissed 2 or 3 guys at the club (friends, just to see what its like and because a few drinks facilitated it). After these kisses, I just felt crap and did not think they were worth it. I always wanted a boyfriend, just someone caring. I have liked 2 guys intensely but they liking was never returned. I am a pretty girl and guys do look, but looks don't matter since people of all shapes and sizes enter great relationships.

 

Even though I know I'm pretty (because people kindly keep complimenting me), thats all I'm confident about and otherwise I wonder why I'm so hideous as to never be THE girl for guys. I used to be very confident,focussed, happy,active and just alright. Since the last guy I liked treated me like crap (I let my guard down for the first time and got crap in return, without deserving it) I feel like I maybe do deserve to be treated the way I am by guys and that I'm actually not entitled to find a great guy, or experience anything. I just feel like I'm fooling myself when I tell myself otherwise.

 

I am already 21, and since I'm Indian, my relatives are going to start putting pressure on me to get married. I already got a 'bigshot' marriage proposal for a tall, handsome, rich, kind guy. My mum said we might be interested and so the 'mediator' (guys aunt) said she would like to send me a photo of the guy. When we got home, my mum said she would never agree to this kind of marriage unless I met a guy who I were to be 100% sure of. But you know, in the few hours my mum did say yes, I told my bestfriend and she asked if I was going to say yes. In all honesty, I had decided that if my parents like the guy, then I will agree to it.

 

At this point I realised that love isn't important to me (Why hope for something I will never experience) and that I've already missed out on a lot (despite some people saying I'm still young).

 

My only problem is that I sometimes get panic attacks and burst into loud cries just because I hate it that I don't deserve to have what I want (just to be that girl). My closest friends tell me to be positive and that I can only attract something if I'm open, don't look etc.. (but I have tried everything and never gained anything).So what can I do to solve my problem, to think differently ( I tried believing in love and it feels as though I'm fooling myself). I've deserved to be treated the way I was by guys, I don't have any friends I can really talk to (anymore), because I think their too damn tired and because I don't dare to share this with some of them. Thank you

 

 

there's no such thing as love. Also, be thankful you are part of a culture that has arranged marriages. If what your real problem is afraid of being alone, then your problem is solved. There's NO such thing as love except between a parent and a child, and even that isn't even always a certain thing.

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LB youre only 21, you have YEARS to find love. Ive seen you post threads about how you feel sorry for yourself, but never have I seen you mention what you have done to get what you want. Exactly what have you been doing to get the guy you really want? You will never feel worthy until youve actively worked on it, and what kind of guy are you looking for?

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It appears to me that you should work on your self confidence....in order to recieve love and give love you first need to love yourself! I have been there and found once I focused on me, did what I needed to do to be happy and confident I found many friends and dates!

I will say this is not an easy task...but you are young and have so many opportunities!

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So what can I do to solve my problem, to think differently ( I tried believing in love and it feels as though I'm fooling myself). I've deserved to be treated the way I was by guys, I don't have any friends I can really talk to (anymore), because I think their too damn tired and because I don't dare to share this with some of them. Thank you

I'm new to this site, but unless there's trained councilors or people highly experienced with your type of problems, then I'd suggest counseling.

 

.

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I don't know why you think you're unworthy of love. That's a pretty ridiculous statement.

 

I've felt unworthy of love for a long time. It's not ridiculous for someone who has been shown their whole life that they certainly aren't. It SEEMS ridiculous to people who have gotten some sort of validation in life, but to people who grow up in dysfunctional families where they're parents show them dislike every day and when they grow up fall in love with men who show them dislike and disrespect, it's really really hard to get your brain to believe how all these people could be possibly be wrong. I know it sounds kinda silly but watching sesame street occasionally as a kid and them singing something about how everyone is special in their own way, is no match for the rest of the 23 hours a day that your parents just don't care for you much.

 

Especially when you continue meeting people who seem to dislike you even if you are very nice to them...and the numbers start adding up. Not like I am the scientific type, but you're brain just starts thinking statistically what's the chance that all these people are wrong about me? Even though there may be a few people that seem to just adore you, if it is (or seems to be) less than 50% of the people you've gotten to know in life...your brain just does something weird.

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Why not go to dating site to chat with those singles to learn experience? I am a black girl, I met my white guy on Mixedmingle dot com several months ago.

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Especially when you continue meeting people who seem to dislike you even if you are very nice to them...and the numbers start adding up. Not like I am the scientific type, but you're brain just starts thinking statistically what's the chance that all these people are wrong about me? Even though there may be a few people that seem to just adore you, if it is (or seems to be) less than 50% of the people you've gotten to know in life...your brain just does something weird.

 

Well those people who dislike you are simply people who aren't right for you. Plus it's very likely there was at least one person who liked you, you just didn't know it. Falling for the wrong guys doesn't mean you're unworthy of love.

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miss_sapphire

What are your hobbies? What gives you a sense of satisfaction? (e.g. doing well at school, etc.) I think you need to stop letting other people define you. Do things that make you happy. Hang out with people who treat you well and who deserve your time - even just as friends. You don't find love. Love finds you. So work on yourself and stop worrying about things that you have no control over. Being anxious doesn't help anyway.

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Well those people who dislike you are simply people who aren't right for you. Plus it's very likely there was at least one person who liked you, you just didn't know it. Falling for the wrong guys doesn't mean you're unworthy of love.

 

I wasn't talking about just guys and romantic interests (though that too) but people in general in platonic situations, as in the people you meet day to day in life through activities either in "real life" on online or whatever...people who you do some sort of business with or social activity or whatever, not necessarily looking for friendship but being open to it...etc.

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...lots of times people just don't seem to take a liking to me very easily for whatever reason. Strangely enough children and animals tend to adore me upon the instant they meet me. It's always been that way. That's nice for me because I do love children and animals too, but I don't have any of my own, children that is, have a cat, she's my guardian angel...gets lonely sometimes when you don't have a lot of people around that actually even like you.

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And even if I had my own children or my little cousins and friends kids that I adore nearby to babysit and take care of .....well children are the light of the world, but even so everyone needs to have adult interaction, even that's not romantic...platonic close friends..sense of sisterhood for women especially need that. Well a few people have liked me and became good friends but they live in different states (even countries now) right now.

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Wow EarthGirl, I really think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I also feel that people who have had validation in their lives just don't understand and think I am overreacting. I completely understand their opinion as well but it just doesn't help people who are in the same situation as me.

 

In all honesty, I was talking romantically. I am extremely loved by my parents, my mum does treat me disrespectfully but my dad is the best thing that eer happened to me. I have a great relationship with him and he is the only one who makes my moments slightly better and bearable.

 

However, guys just never choose me to be the girl. They would rather just sleep with me, be friends, have a fling, or not have anything at all. When my girl friends talk about how their guys stand by them in hard times and how they really consider these girls special makes me extremely happy for me but it confronts with my reality. When my guy friends tell me about the girls they really want to date or the ones they share great experiences with, it makes me wonder why doesn't even one guy (een one in the hundreds I have met) think this way about me. Incredible really...and I know I don't have an answer to this, thats why I want to stop wasting my energy and start being positive even in this screwed up situation

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miss_sapphire
However, guys just never choose me to be the girl. They would rather just sleep with me, be friends, have a fling, or not have anything at all. When my girl friends talk about how their guys stand by them in hard times and how they really consider these girls special makes me extremely happy for me but it confronts with my reality. When my guy friends tell me about the girls they really want to date or the ones they share great experiences with, it makes me wonder why doesn't even one guy (een one in the hundreds I have met) think this way about me. Incredible really...and I know I don't have an answer to this, thats why I want to stop wasting my energy and start being positive even in this screwed up situation

 

Trust me when I say I know how this feels. I'm the girl who gets friend zoned all the time. I'm always just 'one of the guys'. Hence my last post.

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Wow EarthGirl, I really think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I also feel that people who have had validation in their lives just don't understand and think I am overreacting. I completely understand their opinion as well but it just doesn't help people who are in the same situation as me.

 

In all honesty, I was talking romantically. I am extremely loved by my parents, my mum does treat me disrespectfully but my dad is the best thing that eer happened to me. I have a great relationship with him and he is the only one who makes my moments slightly better and bearable.

 

However, guys just never choose me to be the girl. They would rather just sleep with me, be friends, have a fling, or not have anything at all. When my girl friends talk about how their guys stand by them in hard times and how they really consider these girls special makes me extremely happy for me but it confronts with my reality. When my guy friends tell me about the girls they really want to date or the ones they share great experiences with, it makes me wonder why doesn't even one guy (een one in the hundreds I have met) think this way about me. Incredible really...and I know I don't have an answer to this, thats why I want to stop wasting my energy and start being positive even in this screwed up situation

 

you know I know how hard it is to have all those numbers working against you...why doesn't just one or even a few have felt that way about you? it hurts to wonder, what is wrong with you.. But there is nothing wrong with you, it's an illusion..some of us are just a little unlucky in life, like a cloud hanging over us...people will say it's our own psychology working against us (basically us doing it to ourselves) but if you look into your heart and others you will realize that can't account for everything. This is not somehting that can be measured with statistics or amounts..i.e. if someone tells you you need to fix yourself up not only to be more attractivce to others but to make yourself feel better and more confident...get out more, mingle and just let love happen and all that...well that can certainly make your life feel better as in day to day..but it won't by any means guarantee you wil ever get a date even if you are very attractive and a very kind and interesting person.

MUCH less find someone who you have a mutual attraction and liking with and they will actually stick around a while and not lie to you.

 

But I will tell you that you are lucky to have your dad, my dad is not a very nice guy..And as of now your problem seems to be a self esteem one based on not having found love and just generally not having gotten much attention from guys. But that is not something that can be explained by science either. Some beautiful wonderful women will get hit on constantly since they hit 16 over and over again their whole lives but never find true love and/or a man who will continue to treat them with respect after the chase is over. Other women who could practically be models and are quite fascinating and warm people...will go months or even years (or even their whole lives) at a time not getting much attention at all from guys..people will wonder about it, both men and women, but none of those people will be romantically interested in her either, but yet they still can't understand why the no attention, and gossip about the perplexing mystery. Then one day she meets a special person that just "sees" her finally and that's it, happily ever after or as close as you can get to it in this world.

 

Of COURSE getting out in the world, getting in shape, being more confident, getting involved in activities.it will all help for there to be more opportunities to meet people and to find love. But in the end, it is my belief that if love is meant to find you in this life, it won't give up until it does, and if it is not,for whatever reason...there is not all that much you can do about it...but keep the faith of someday.

 

But the one hope YOU still have is it sounds like your main problem is lack of attention and validation by men in general (and not a specific one even though you may have had a few crushes) and that is very hard on a person...damaging to the brain wether or not it is just a part of life. BUT the thing that causes the worst damage is when you do find that "special person" and you know it but they choose somebody else anyway.

 

There's still plenty of hope that that fate will absolutely miss you. here's hoping.

Edited by EarthGirl
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However, guys just never choose me to be the girl.

I wonder if you'd be so down on yourself if both your guy and girl friends didn't have partners? Comparing your circumstance to another is an unhealthy habit that you should try to avoid.

 

.

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OP, this might sound wrong, but it's not your time yet. For each of us, there is a time. Timing is so important in intimate relationships and romance, IMO.

 

They would rather just sleep with me, be friends, have a fling, or not have anything at all

 

Has this happened? I'm assuming not because of your OP but am curious why you would mention it.

 

Do you think a boyfriend would 'complete' you? Why?

 

I highly recommend you think carefully about accepting an arranged marriage proposal. If your heart and mind are not completely in positive concert about that dynamic, it will undo you, IMO..

 

I wish there were an easy answer. For me, the answer would come many years later as an understanding of who I was not being attractive to those women I put myself in contact with. IOW, I positioned myself incorrectly and pursued incompatible women. For you, the corollary might be that you make yourself approachable to incompatible men. The part I quoted and bolded above leads me to this conclusion. Thoughts?

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SincereOnlineGuy

Where can I read the biography of the original posters mother?

 

 

I'm sure that, somewhere in such a story, would exist the understanding that most of us need in order to figure out how the original poster came to this point in her life in such a frame of mind.

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