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I love him, but he dislikes me.


Jackiee

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So, okay. This will probably be really long, if you don't have time don't read it.

 

It begins with, I used to fake being a male, but I am indeed a female. I posed as a gay boy, for whatever reason. I met a boy who was the same as me, and I was aware of it the entire length of the relationship, about 3 years ago, I grew an obsession over her/him about 2 months after we ended our on and off relationships for good. I used to be funny, excited, happy-go-lucky, in a way. But after I had been basically torn to shreds by her, I turned cold, not very caring, selfish, and unbelievably mean and harsh to anyone. I cared for nobody. I was afraid to in a way. I dated many people after her, looking for someone to love me for who I was at that point and make me forget. But I always seemed drawn to this girl, I didn't love her, I thought I did. But up until a few months ago I noticed it was just wanting something I couldn't have. All of the people I dated after that wound up wanting me to change who I was in the middle of it all, I refused. Most of those people still have feelings for me, for whatever reason. Around January this year, I met another boy (actual male) and thought it'd just be another fiasco relationship so it'd be over with soon, but I tried anyway. We got on it right away, after a few nights of speaking to each other. We fought a lot and broke up a lot, but I always had feelings for him. He was always around, trying with me, I enjoyed the attention. Then once I softened, he turned into what I had been, cold and uncaring. The times we were together went scarce and short-termed. And after that, he began saying he hated me, didn't love me, thought I was immature and stupid. So I, being the type of person I was, said hateful things in return, despite my interest in him. After that, he basically turned into a PMSing woman the ENTIRE time, I swear. He'd like me one minute, hate me the next. He stopped saying he loved me, stopped showing care, etc etc. That's how it was until he promised he wouldn't speak to me again "for my own good", he was apathetic about me, didn't care for my love for him. So, I let him go, thinking if he wanted to be somewhere else and that's what was required for him to be happy and pleased, there he went. I missed him a lot, but I soon forgot about him when I met another person who made me feel happy, wanted, etc. Then after a week, he popped back up, sending me an email about how he wanted the birthday money he had sent me and knew I hadn't spent back. I said no, told him if that was his attempt to spite me or something, he was worthless. We began talking again, later on after we became more of friends and I began to have interest in him again, he admitted it was only his excuse to speak to me and that he still had feelings for me. This made me very very happy, but after that we got in another fight, due to my lack of concentration one evening when I asked him to marry me, he said marrying me would cause him harm, not let him live his life. Of course it made me upset, I told him it did and he freaked out. Then the war began. We fought and fought, but I refused to let him go. I told him I may have abused the word love with him, but I knew I wanted him. But after that I noticed I DID love him, that just because my feelings didn't follow and describe the words written in a dictionary for "love", it didn't mean I didn't love him. With this boy, I didn't get butterflies after about our third time dating, but I still put him above else, I still craved his attention, his want for me, his love. I still wanted him all together, mean, cold, harsh, loving, warm, whatever he may be. I LOVED him. But he said he stopped loving me because I "loved him TOO much", so I said "It's not that I love you too much, it's that I actually love you" during that conversation I admitted myself to him, being I was a female and all. He seemed to take it okay, but then he began spilling lies. Saying he was fake, blah blah, I asked if he was joking and he said no. So I told him I had found the things he said he lied about (which happened to be about making love to many many other people) were disgusting, and I found him a craved, sexually obsessed animal. Then I insulted him, unknowingly, by saying the person he supposedly was faking who was actually him had nasty features, and now that I didn't consider it him, he wasn't as attractive (BIIIG MISTAKE). But before all this (I forgot to add) he had said certain things like he missed me, right before this fight. So, then at the end of that night he said "I am who I said I was at first" and so now, he won't speak to me but I try speaking to him. I'm the type of kid who can swing both ways, fight for what I love, or play the player. Throughout this time with him I've always played the player, shook him off whenever he did something stupid just so he could run back to me. But this time, I feel as if I want him to love me. I want to break through to him so that he can't let me go, just the way I feel. I want him to feel every single feeling I have felt throughout the time of knowing him. He dislikes me now though, when I do speak to him, he seems emotionless, uninterested, and annoyed. So I leave him alone sometimes. But I like checking up on him, to see if things changed, but so far no improvement. I wanted to know what should I do at this point.

Help?

 

Sorry if there's any mistakes, I just typed away, so no corrections.

 

 

 

(Posted this thread before, but wrong section.)

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Wow J,

That's a lot to digest. How old are you? You sound very young and intense about everything. Am I understanding correctly that you are bisexual, and have had a difficult relationship with a girl first then a boy? It sounds as if you just need to start with someone new, but before you do, really evaluate what you want in life, and what kind of person you want to be. Fighting with anyone with that degree of intensity is unhealthy in any relationship and means you both have major communication problems. A marriage to him would be a disaster.

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torranceshipman

This is a toxic R and you need to walk away from it for good...

 

You do sound very intense....there's lots of drama here, and destructive stuff, and a person who loves you won't put you through harsh times like this. The whole playing the player thing...that's not what you want or need in a genuine loving R. Players are a pain in the ass!-and not worth having...

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Ah, I am 16, though this isn't my account, using it from someone else. But you are right. From what I've heard, I change when it comes to speaking about him or being around him, as in speaking to him. All in all, I'm actually mature, less intense. But I guess that wears thin when things have to do with him. And yeah, bisexual. Though I don't exactly believe in that, so just confused. Care to explain more though? The way you explain "finding someone new and finding out what I want in a person" isn't enough. I've tried, but haven't been able to do so.

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