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My Boyfriend wants to be Celibate


AFellowFemale

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AFellowFemale

My boyfriend told me today that he wants us to have a celibate relationship. He said he is trying to get closer to God. This totally shocked me. We have been together for over a year and have had just about every type of sex imaginable. I, myself, am not a strongly religious person and I don't plan to be. I really don't know what to do. I love sex and do not want to be celibate but I also love my boyfriend. Has any one else experienced this before or have any feedback?

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If he intends to marry you in a short time, there may be no problem. Otherwise, I would consider this position to be somewhat hypocritical since he has sampled the goods frequently over a period of time and now wants to move over to God and ignore the needs in you which he helped create.

 

This is truly a danger sign and is indicative of a very unstable psychological make-up. You need to study this very closely and make a decision as to whether or not you want to tolerate it.

 

If he is a normal, heterosexual man I would think this celebacy would be short lived. However, if he maintains it for a long period, you will have to decide if he's worth the sacrifice.

 

He has already made sex an important part of the relationship and to cut that off now indicates a degree of anger/hypocracy/passive agressivness or whatever other psychopathology that really shouldn't exist in an intimate relationship.

 

First, I would ask him just how is this supposed to bring him closer to God? Is he planning to spend the time praying that he used to spend making love to you? If he ever marries you, he will be obligated to have sex with you. Does he plan at that time to pull away from God in order to do so?

 

This is a lot of rubbish. I know this has caused a severe emotional jolt to you. Don't take any action right away but when you get your balance, think about this rationally and do what you feel you must.

 

Your guy's behavior defies logic and rationality.

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to cut that off now indicates a degree of anger/hypocracy/passive agressivness or whatever other psychopathology that really shouldn't exist in an intimate relationship.

 

Well, Tony, I think that's a little excessive. Sometimes people who don't have a good sense of self or their own direction cling pretty strongly to fundamentalist Christianity once they 'get saved'. Fundamentalism is very moralistic, as you must know, and some people embrace it fully, including the super-moralism. It saves them having to puzzle out the complexities of morality for themselves because they are told what to do and how to behave.

 

It sounds like this guy has done that. All kinds of people 'get religion' at some point in their lives; it has nothing to do with hypocrisy or anger or anything hostile along those lines. Quite a few years ago, a fellow who was a very popular singer became Muslim and, because of its dictates, completely gave up his career.

 

I think the greater trouble in this relationship will come from major differences in religious belief. The strongest adherents to this fundamentalism never cease trying to convert the 'unsaved' and if the 'unsaved' one really has no interest in religion of any kind, the relationship won't last.

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YOU WRITE: "Sometimes people who don't have a good sense of self or their own direction cling pretty strongly to fundamentalist Christianity once they 'get saved'. Fundamentalism is very moralistic, as you must know, and some people embrace it fully, including the super-moralism. It saves them having to puzzle out the complexities of morality for themselves because they are told what to do and how to behave."

 

Agreed. The fact that this process did not take place within the context of the relationship...but was rather unilateral...indicates a serious flaw in the relationship. You were absolutely correct to suggest that religious differences may pose a greater problem in the future.

 

I always thought God and sex went hand in hand. Hell, look at all the priests who have gotten it on with the altar boys.

 

If I were dating a girl and out of nowhere she pronounced that she was going to become celebate for religious reasons, I would "celebate" the end of the relationship because there had been no ongoing communication. This is not a decision you make overnight...unless, I suppose, the man upstairs talks to someone in their sleep.

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HokeyReligions

Sheesh! All this talk about religion and sex and morality. If someone accepts God and want to worship and live their life according to their God demands of them then I say "good for them" there is nothing wrong with that.

 

What you have to get used to is the fact that God comes before you. Some people can't handle that.

 

If your priorities don't mesh - move on.

 

BTW: There are many, many, many reasons for celibacy. The common morality of today's society does not encompass everyone, and just because someone disagrees with this does NOT make them some kind of head case or someone with emotional problems.

 

My husband and I have not had sex in over a dozen years. We have a stronger marriage than most people and are closer to each other than many. The decision was for celibacy was based on several things and the decision was made by HIM and not by me. It took me a good number of years to understand and adjust and the hurt I felt then was so worth what I have now.

 

There are a lot more celibate couples out there then you can imagine.

 

But if sex is a high priority to you, then move on, or learn and understand his reasons and his feelings, then decide if want to adjust your priorities to stay with him or move on.

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My b/f was velibate when I met him, but I broke him. I think you need to speak t him as to why he has chosen this path, and how you feel about it. Let him know that by getting closer to someone els he is losing you

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HokeyReligions

Kat said:

Let him know that by getting closer to someone els he is losing you

 

That's pretty harsh to tell someone to choose between God and their girlfriend. Personally, if someone I loved were so fickle as to leave their God because of me (in effect put me first) I would run for the hills. Either they were not honest about their devotion, don't know what devotion and commitment are, or has some codependency issues. That is how I feel about it.

 

I am agnostic, but my husband is Christian. I come second to his God and that is fine by me.

 

If God is just something to "try for a while" then that is a whole different ball game. And if you need to be first in his life and your priority is sex, (I'm not putting you down for that - to each his own) then he needs to know that is why you can't stay with him, and not be threatening or childish about it. Religion and faith and worship mean different things to different people and the strength and commitment of the person worshipping can be very strict and rigid. That doesn't make them wrong though.

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I dunno ... in an earlier post, someone talked about fundamentalism, and how that belief colors one's view of sex. From some of the people I've spoken with and who I've observed, fundamentalists see sex as something "dirty" and women often are viewed as inferior creatures, rather than a different part of the whole puzzle. Catholics are taught that sex is for procreative purposes only, and therefore belongs within the framework of marriage. Enjoyment of sex within that framework makes it all the better.

 

my guess is, if your partner has "found" religion and suddenly has done a 180 on what was otherwise an enjoyable sex life for the two of you, it's because he's trying to make his new-found beliefs mesh with what he practices. And that's not necessarily bad, because his focus (saving himself for marriage) means he's trying to do right by his God AND by his partner.

 

However, you need to talk to him about how he feels about this, about how you feel about this and how your relationship is going to grow with these changes. We can only guess at what's going on in his mind, but he's the only one who is able to tell you what you need to know.

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