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Really Mad Mad Mad!


mad mad mad!

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mad mad mad!

since when do people use their spouse, married or not as their emotional punching bag or am i just that different here?

 

my b/f seems to take his frustration out on me and yells at me when things go wrong for him?

 

i am such an easy going very laid back too old for this kind of crap from some guy that i have been so close to for such a long time.

 

i wonder if he is bi-polor or not? how can i find out? this morning he was fine, i knew he was tired from not sleeping well.

 

so the other day i had to re-install windows on our home computer which he uses for work.

 

well we have a brother printer that is not compatiable with the windows xp so i have to call brother and have them wwalk me thrugh the re-installation and it takes such a long time to get thrugh to brother that i have not as of yet done so.

 

it is not like he works on it everyday, maybe a couple times a week but today he wanted to work at home i guess cause he was in such a bad mood anyway, he didn't want to go anywhere.

 

well the printer was not hooked up yet but i have a photo color printer that he could of easily used but it is slow and he did not want to use it cause the color refills are expensive.

 

so i left the house for work and he called me on my cell and yelled at me abut never touching the computer again to un-install anything and if i need to again that i am totally responsible for re-nstalling all his programs i lost!!

 

this really infuritaed me! i had told him i would call brother when i got home this evening but he didn't want to wait he needed it NNNNNNOW!!!!

 

i'm getting closer and closer to the end of my rope with this guy that i either want to shoot him or leave him!

 

i swear he is related to saddam because he is such a dick-tator as well.

 

just needed to vent but if anyone has any feedback please feel free to respond.

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Let him call tech support himself. Hopefully he will get someone who is on their first day on the phones and doesn't know anything. You probably erased his bookmarks and history of his favorite porn sites. Ooops!

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MAD MAD MAD

ACTUALLY I DID TELL HIM THAT, I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD NO LONGER TOUCH THE COMPUTER AND THAT IF HE WANTED THINGS FIXES AGAIN THAT HE COULD DO IT HIMSELF.

 

HIS REASONING IS OF COURSE IF THAT I SCREWED IT UP SO I CAN FIX IT.

 

I WAS GOING TO BUT WHY SHOULD I NOW WHEN HE TREATED MESO CRAPPY AABUT THE WHOLE THING?

 

IT WAS NOT EVEN THIS THAT TRIGGFERED HIS MOOD THIS MORNING AND I HONESTLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED SO FAST JUST LIKE OUT OF NO WHRE HE TURNED INTO A WEREWOLF.

 

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE THOUGH.

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Sorry to hear he's a werewolf. They can be the WORST to deal with, right down to the hair on their backs. How long has he been doing this to you? Sounds like a while, anyway. Advice as follows:

 

1. Sit down and talk to him calmly if he's not still frothing at the mouth. Perhaps there's a good reason for his anger, such as work problems? I know I can get pretty darn grumpy when I have to deal with meatheads all day. You are the closest person to him, so he's going to lash out, perhaps unintentionally.

 

2. If he has no valid reason for acting out towards you, and if you haven't already told him, tell him that his attitude is giving you second thoughts.

 

3. Now this last bit you don't have to take seriously. My husband can be a butthead sometimes, but he has a quirky sense of humor and would appreciate this. I don't know how well your guy would though... Find a screensaver or desktop background like a werewolf or something for the computer and maybe it will remind him to behave himself?

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My guess is that he has a lot of problems and stress (from work or wherever) that are totally unrelated to you. The concept of taking out one's frustrations in one area on someone who has nothing to do with the frustration is called displacement of agression. You can put that term in a good search engine for a detailed explanation. It's one of Freud's unconscious defense mechanisms in the study of psychology.

 

In other words, his anger at you now has really nothing to do with what you did to his computer. Any sane or reasonable man would be flattered that you took the time to try to fix the computer for his use. His anger has to do with his own personal unhappiness.

 

Until he becomes happy with himself and learns to modify his behavior in order to more adequately cope with what's bugging him, it's likely that you will continue to suffer with his anger. Right now he is not a happy person at all. He's not likely to be happy with you until he gets the rest of his world straightened out or learns to cope a whole lot better.

 

I think you will find that if this continues, your love for him will dwindle to nothing if it continues. What is worse is that he is unlikely to want to discuss ways of making things better while he is suffering the stress and

pressures from wherever.

 

You can't be in a quality relationship with somebody like this. If you can't get him to a stress reduction course, a counsellor, or get him some other form of help you may find that sooner than later you will be done with him. That's too bad because he's probaby a pretty good guy who just never learned to cope with the rigors of life in the 21st century.

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ooh, I hate when that happens, too. And it gets to the point where you either (a) fix the problem just so you don't have hear him gripe about how unfair/how awful/how crappy thing are, or (b)you blow right back up at him and show him you can pitch a fit, as well. But that doesn't get you anywhere, you know? If you can, just steer clear of him when he gets into that mood, because no matter what you say or do, you are going to be the whipping boy he needs right at that moment.

 

When he cools down, though, talk to him calmly and let him know that while you can appreciate him being upset or angry about things that go on at work/wherever, you don't appreciate him b•tching at you when you have nothing to do with the problem at hand, that it only pisses YOU off, and y'all really don't need it.

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HokeyReligions

Similar situations are not that uncommon with people who have been together a long time.

 

I started doing this to my husband and wasn't even aware of it. I would blame him for everything and snap at him and treated him pretty badly.

 

He accepted it for a while because he loves me and tried to understand that it wasn't directed at him, but that just enabled me to continue and it got worse.

 

We finally sat down and discussed it. I wasn't mad at him, I didn't blame him for things, but it sure sounded like I did - even when during my venting/yelling I would yell "I don't blame you" it still sounded like I did.

 

What we discussed and found out was that we were both so comfortable with each other and so confident that we would always be there for each other, that I used him as a sounding sponge to get out my frustration and stress. He would get upset because he would try to fix things for me and that made me angry. I didn't want it fixed I just wanted to yell about it.

 

We talked about it and I understood how it was making him feel, and I didn't want to do that to him.

 

Now, when I am really stressed I state, up front, that I just need to vent. Then I yell and rant and rave and bitch and whine and get it all out of my system. I ALSO make sure that I do not blame him for things that are not his responsibility. I had to start listening to myself. Just because my husband was the only one in front of me does not mean he deserved to be yelled at. A sounding board is one thing - the verbal excrement of my frustration will bounce off a board. A sounding sponge will soak it up and become soiled and wasted. By communicating and stating up front that I need to vent, he no longer acts as the sponge and doesn't get hurt and he doesn't try to fix things for me.

 

Listening to myself and knowing that I shouldn't pitch blame on his shoulders helps me to achieve a healthy purging of emotions so that I can move on.

 

Maybe something similar is happening with you two.

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i am sorry for butting in on this interesting topic but i have a question of a similar nature:

 

my hubby/commonlaw wise is like mad boyfrined too only thing different is that when he gets mad and says things to me that are very hurtful he snaps out of it almost right away then acts like nothing happened.

 

i sit there with my mouth hanging open and wonder what the heck is going on here.

 

i will feel hurt and put out and mad as well then he acts like it was oh nothing, and tells me that if i decide to stay mad at him then that is my own decison but he is the reason in the first place that i got mad too cause he got mad at me first.

 

does that make any sense? i know it is my choice to stay mad or not stay mad but i feel so confused and putout by his previous remarks or actions that i am not done being mad just yet but then he turns it around and makes me the bad guy.

 

all of you have such wonderful suggestions for mad, any for me?

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zingy:

 

Sounds like he's turning his guilt for saying these things around to you so he feels better. That's my first reaction.

 

Again, I would suggest talking with him and explaining that you ARE hurt when he does this. To me, the problem is not so much that he is getting mad, which is pretty normal, but is saying things that he knows are hurting you. He's having a temper tantrum like a 5 year old saying he hates his mom.

 

Just walk away from him when he starts in. Go for a walk, go for a cup of coffee, but let him know you will not tolerate his behavior. Or just ignore it. I know that's damn near impossible, but maybe if he sees he's not getting a reaction out of you, he'll quit being such a jerk.

 

All the other responses here will apply to your situation too.

 

Good luck there!

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i've told him that if he don't quit using me as his emotional punching bag, indirectly, that one day he will wake up and i will be gone because i am not here for his whipping pleasure.

 

he does really good for a while then he has another bad day then it starts in all over again.

 

i live for those good day, and loathe the bad ones and the day inbetween i can question myself endlessly about why am i staying here with him and no answer comes except in my heart i love hm but my mind at those times tells me to get away from him.

 

i will re-read all the other responses and see how i can apply them to my situation. but i have told him and told him to stop yelling at me stop taking his bad days out on me.

 

i hate feeling victimized by him and or myself.

but thanks for the great advice.

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It definitely sounds like he could use a good anger management course. I've heard they can be very useful.

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Take him to see "Anger Management", starring Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson coming to a theatre near you April 11.

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I much prefer the approach of Rational Emotive Therapy (REM) as founded by Dr. Albert Ellis in the management of anger.

 

Anger occurs when people don't get their way...when others don't behave the way a person thinks they should...or when things don't happen in the manner a person thinks they should.

 

Anger, on the face of it, is pretty insane. It destroys the person who gets angry but has little effect on others (unless, of course, the angry person gets violent).

 

The emotions we feel are our own choice. We make the conscious choice to react to external stimuli in whatever way we desire. There are actually people who live their entire lives, die and leave this world thinking that it was OTHER PEOPLE who made them feel angry, jealous, guilty, depressed, etc., when all the while it was they themselves who made the choice to feel that way. Choosing destructive emotions that could wreak havoc on our health and relationships is just plain wacko.

 

REM encourages people to continually take inventory of the world around them and to adopt more appropriate (rational) reactions. Rather than be angry, frustration or disappointment may be more acceptable. Most people learn from infancy to be angry. When a baby screams, its needs are taken care of. People who are given positive reinforcement when they get angry as young people grow up to think that it will still pay off for them...when, in fact, they look like total idiots.

 

If people thought more about WHY they felt the way they do, they would turn red with embarassment. People who often get angry are basically expressing that the world must unfold as THEY dictate that it should rather than the way it actually does.

 

People who learn to react to people and events in more appropriate ways tend to live longer, have lower blood pressure, be less depressed (depression is anger turned inward) and be happier in general. If you want to read an interesting article about the connection of anger and heart disease, click here----> http://www.mercola.com/2001/aug/18/anger.htm

 

For more data on the anger/heart disease and health connection, go to a good search engine and enter "anger and heart disease" or "anger and health" and see what you find.

 

Given the fact that anger is a killer, I think it's pretty insane for people to go out of their way to upset themselves over reality. There is no reason why anyone should absolutely demand that others act the way they want them to or events should occur they way they demand they occur.

 

If we learn to take things as they come and always keep in mind that we need to be kind to ourselves by reacting so our bodies are minimally affected, we will live longer, be happier and others will love us more and be more apt to want to accomodate us.

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Anger occurs when people don't get their way...when others don't behave the way a person thinks they should...or when things don't happen in the manner a person thinks they should

 

This is only part of the story. Anger is also a response to underlying hurt, frustration, or disappointment. Not all anger is about misplaced ideas of entitlement. REBT, while good, is not the be-all and end-all of therapy. Tell the wounded dog that bites you that he thinks he's entitled to something. It doesn't work like that. Anger can also be a warning to you that your boundaries are being violated.

 

There are a number of disorders among whose symptoms is a failure to inhibit emotion. It is not uncommon for them to forget the cause of their outburst as though it hadn't happened. Talk therapy will not work with disorders which are caused by physiology. If your bfs are unreasonably angry often and they can't explain it (there aren't other stresses on them, for instance) then suggest they see about their problems because they might need meds or other help to control their reactions.

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YOU WRITE: "Anger can also be a warning to you that your boundaries are being violated."

 

The dog made a conscious decision that it was in danger and needed to protect its territory and its physical being. Or it may have made a conscious decision to attack. Often, it's a matter of training. But it was a decision that the dog freely made. Perhaps it was more instinctual than those decisions made by humans but, even still, most dogs make the decision to be sweet and loving.

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "Anger is also a response to underlying hurt, frustration, or disappointment."

 

Again, every person has the option of working to let it go...or to engage the very unproductive emotion of anger. Anger has not been shown to cause any useful purpose in human life, except to engage the body in time of threat. Anger is always a decision and usually not a very good one. Many relationships have ended when they could have been patched up had a response been different than ager.

 

While some people choose to repond to hurt, frustration and disappointment with anger (which is exactly the way they learn to respond to same as infants), the adult way and the appropriate way is to be kind to oneself and deal with these in productive ways. Either you resolve these conflicts with the other person or you accept reality as it is and move on.

 

You'll play hell trying to convince me that anger is ever going to solve anything. So why engage in it. It may have worked in primitive man when he had to fight the dragons...but it's pretty useless in today's world.

 

The books and websites that defend anger as a good and positive emotion are written by ignorant scholars who should have been flunked out of school in their first year.

 

I will say that if people must work themselves up into a frenzy, it is better to be expressed than to be held it. But it is far better for parents to teach children early on to choose better ways of expressing themselves when things don't go their way.

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The dog made a conscious decision that it was in danger and needed to protect its territory and its physical being. Or it may have made a conscious decision to attack. Often, it's a matter of training. But it was a decision that the dog freely made. Perhaps it was more instinctual than those decisions made by humans but, even still, most dogs make the decision to be sweet and loving.

 

Oh, bullfeathers. Dogs don't 'decide'. They don't have the capacity for moral choice, for heaven's sakes. They are beings which act on instinct. Yes, they do understand us, but they aren't cogitating about their moral choices in life. The fact is that if your puppy is hurt and you, the loving master, goes to help him, he will try to bite you. He is reacting in instinct to the pain. He is not saying to himself 'oh, look, there's my loving master who, doubtless, is here to help me in my pain. I think maybe I'll bite him just for the heck of it.'

 

 

Again, every person has the option of working to let it go...or to engage the very unproductive emotion of anger

 

May I suggest that you reading some stuff about the limbic system, the left temporal lobes, and particularly executive function.

 

By the way, I had no intention of suggesting that anger is the way to solve anything nor do I think it. However, once we stop blaming people for issues which may well be biologically based and try to discover the true underlying causes, we will truly be able to help people.

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YOU WRITE: "once we stop blaming people for issues which may well be biologically based and try to discover the true underlying causes, we will truly be able to help people."

 

I will agree that dogs act, in large part, on instinct but I still think there is a decision process as well. For them to attack, they must make the decision that there is danger of some sort...or they have been trained to do so.

 

People have evolved brains and if they snap to anger without thinking of their own personal wellbeing, they are just plain crazy. People always make a conscious decision on how they decide they will feel about something based on their interpretation of an event.

 

I will give in, perhaps I give human beings too much credit...credit for being a few steps above street animals. I see your point. For me personally, I go out of my way not to get pissed about anything. I act rationally to do what I can to resolve a situation...otherwise I just accept and move on. Nothing is really all that important to kill myself over. (See anger/heart link I posted earlier in this thread.)

 

I don't wish personally to engage this topic any longer. It's no longer fun for me.

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Personally, I think you guys are getting way too deep. Most men that I've known do not think on such a deep level. If they did, they wouldn't do the things they do. The biggest problem, simply put, is that they don't know how to get in touch with their feelings. Back to square one.

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i butted into this topic for similar reasons as of "mad" but with a different twist, in that when my hubby gets mad at me he then acts shortly after that that it was nothing at all and tells me that if i choose to stay mad at him then it is my own choosing when in fact i was hurt and mifted at his initial reactions.

 

then he wonders why i give him the cold shoulder and had the odasity yesterday to tell me that if i didn't quit giving him the cold shoulder then he was going to get really pissed at me about it.

 

i felt like laughing so hard and crying at the same time! i thought how ironic of you to turn your anger on me then expect me to be all loving and forgiving just because you are now done being mad.

 

tony, i know you always say how people only decide how they want to feel and no one can "make" them feel anything they don't want tofeel.

 

i disagree with you to a point and i dont thnk most people go around consciously thinking that way but it is a very good philosphy and one we heard on judge judy and throw around loosely betweeen us when we are not bickering.

 

which brings me to anothr subject:

is bickering and aruging the same thing?

 

i wonder this cause it seems that most days we play at who gets the last word in, or who is right or something stupid or another.

personally i get so tried and fed up with his little sarcastic tones of voice that i want to rip out his voice box.

 

maybe it is my own reflection that i see in him and him in me that causes us such grief at times.

 

i hate mirroring and if that is the case in my relationship and i am trying so hard to embrace a part of me that is trying so desperately to get out of me without knowing how to release it or what it is that i feel such rage at times.

 

i know this is confusing and not making any sense and i am rambling and if anyone can make sense of it hail to them!

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I will give in, perhaps I give human beings too much credit...credit for being a few steps above street animals.

 

I rather think that 'street animals' are superior to, rather than inferior to humans in many ways. Because they can't make moral choices, they can't make the moral choice to kill another because his coat is the wrong colour.

 

However to separate humans totally from animals is just wrong. As I'm sure you know, we share a lot of DNA with our four-legged friends; humans are, after all, animals. Our most basic thinking processes arise from 'alligator brain'; theoretically the part that evolved first. That we eventually got smart enough to figure out better ways to hurt each other doesn't necessarily mean the evolution was a great success.

 

I know you don't want to talk about it any more, Tony, but folks who like to have the last word usually say that ;)

 

As for you, Zingy, it sounds like you are both into a toxic pattern of relating. It might be time to have a frank talk about why you both think you always quarrel. Is there some deeper issue behind it other than just stress? Only you two can work this out. People get cranky for all sorts of reasons from stress to physical conditions to mental disorders. If a conversation between you doesn't do the job, you will have to decide whether you want outside help or to end the relationship because constant fighting and resentment will kill your love.

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Just A Girl2

"Mad Mad Mad",

 

I'm not sure why you continue to post specific incidents of your b/f flipping out on you. This has been going on for years. We've given you oodles advice. We've told you a zillion times that there's no point b*tching about the way he is......either leave him (and quit b*tching), or suck it up. You don't need all this validation from readers here, time and time again, that you don't have to put up with this kind of behavior. And we've explained to you before, how manic depressive illness (bipolar) works, and again, his temper is not in any way similar to those who are bipolar.

 

How many years are you going to continue complaining, yet putting up with this? That's what I'd like to know. *yawn*

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Isn't the theory that some people need the attention they get from having a problem more than they need the solution to the problem?

 

Or else maybe looking for 'magic thinking'? She doesn't like the answers she gets so she keeps asking, hoping there's another answer. Kind of like people who want to lose weight but don't want to hear that exercise is the key to losing weight so they keep reading the latest book and trying the latest fad - the true answer is just not what they want to accept.

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