Too damn different, I'm thinking. Grr!

[Just A Girl2]

So that guy I've been dating, he finally got into his new house today (took possession). Geezus P Murphy, he's about as organized as a wet fart. It drives me right up the wall, I can't even relate to him.

 

I'm the kind of person who likes to be organized, have things planned in advance (not the point of being anal about it, mind you)....but he is so completely different, I'm seeing he gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "laid back." It shouldn't bother me so much, but I find myself getting exasperated with him, wondering how I could ever spend my life with someone who's so disorganized.

 

I told him ONE MONTH ago, all of the places he needed to contact, to make arrangements for hookups, etc (gas, electric, house insurance, cable, phone, etc).....told him to get on this well in advance. Yesterday he was STILL calling the gas and electric people, making arrangements to have things switched over into his name. What a dumbass! I feel like I'm his mother. He's so clueless.

 

He took today off, because he had furniture being delivered, and had to be there to get the keys/take possession. He KNEW he had furniture he'd have to assemble, do you think he could be organized enough to remember to bring with him a f*cking screwdriver or drill? NO. He had to get his sis to bring some of it (she lives across the city), and he just called asking that when I come, to bring a particular screwdriver. Did I mention DUMBASS?

 

Last weekend we spent almost all of it, picking out new furniture for him. Prior to that, we stood in his new place and figured out WHERE things would be arranged..there's not too many choices, due to the layout/it's not a big room. Now he's got his new sofa and oversized chair delivered.....and we already DISCUSSED how it would be situated in there...the dumbass is asking me how things should be arranged, asking if it's "okay" to have the sofa AND chair on the same f*cking wall. What a conehead. He has about as much common sense as a mudflap. I guess it must have been his ex wife who made all these decisions in the past.

 

On our list of things to do last weekend, was to go to Home Depot and get venetian blinds for his place (8 sets)...but we ran out of time, so then, we decided that TODAY, he and I would go get them.

 

I took 2.5 hrs off of work today (just used some overtime I had banked), so that I could get out there and help, put up the blinds for him......he's not going to be staying there tonight and common sense would dictate that you'd want blinds on the windows if you have the place full of new furniture, duh. So now he tells me we can do that tomorrow.....and he's wondering if he should really get WHITE ones, maybe something with a touch of GREEN in them. Christ almighty, how many times have I tried to explain to him that the color of the blinds should be the color of the casings around the windows (WHITE)..that this is the contemporary thing to do....colored freaking blinds are OUT.

 

I have a very nicely decorated home, I've spent a lot of time and money doing so, and I watch lots of Trading Spaces (LOL)......he has about as much 'taste' when it comes to decorating as a flea. I try to explain things to him, because he admits he doesn't "know"....but it's like he doesn't believe me.

 

So basically, I took off early this afternoon (from work) for f*cking nothing. He lives almost an hour away from me...I'm not going to drive all the way down there to sit with my thumb up my ass. I thought I would be helping him DO something. No no, he's got all his friends over there now, "visiting"........so I told him I just wasn't going to bother coming, forget it. I was coming out there to HELP HIM, not to sit around and drink beer and visit. There's a time for visiting and a time for moving and getting your place organized. Good God!

 

I told him over a month ago, he needed to buy himself a bedroom set..meaning, comforter and sheets and such for his new bed, as he has nothing. Of course he leaves it to the last minute...we looked all over last weekend, found nothing. So nice me, I order something from Sears for him ($190 for the entire set)...and I pick it up, cuz God knows he's too disorganized to do so. He better be paying me back promptly, too.

 

I have moved many times, and usually all on my own.......I've had to pack up my entire house, make all the arrangements, coordinate the movers, ensure I remembered to bring the proper f*cking tools with me so that I could put things together, put up the blinds, etc. I can't imagine being any other way. He is the complete total opposite. His favorite line, "ahh don't worry, it will all get done somehow."

 

I know he doesn't EXPECT me to be his Mother, and guide him, but damn, he is so clueless sometimes that if I didn't, he'd be so screwed. He's 35 yrs old, by the way.

 

So now tomorrow, his same friends will all be over there again, 'Hanging out', and as far as I'm concerned, getting in the way.......and I'm supposed to go there tomorrow to put up all 9 blinds and help him unpack. I say "f*ck it." I was available to help out tonight, as planned....even left work early.........now I'm going to have to spend tomorrow doing it, when it SHOULD be done tonight?

 

We'd planned, too, (last weekend) to go to Walmart tonight, and get things like soap, towels, cleaning stuff, laundry soap, we had a whole list of things. I guess we won't be doing that tomorrow as he'll have his whole fan club hovering around there.

 

Well SCREW IT! As far as I'm concerned, the things he should be concerned about, he doesn't give a crap about.....he's just doing his own thing, and I'm not about to devote my entire goddamn weekend to mothering him. Let him and his friends figure it out. It's a shame I happen to have his comforter and stuff here, cuz he'll need it to sleep on tomorrow night..wish I didn't, because then I'd just do my own thing this weekend and to hell with him.

 

Something that's kind of interesting, too. His sister (who's a total mouthy bitch) has this friend...who he used to have a crush on, he even asked her out apparently (i think) but she said no? Or maybe he didn't, but he did admit to me that he had a crush on her for the longest time. She's a skanky chick, always at the bar (single mom), always trying to get his sister (who's a single mom) to go out bar-crawling with her....well, I see my guy has lots of pictures of her in his picture collection. Well, she and his sister are over at his new place, checking everything out. I'm sure that's a real thrill for his ego. She looks like a two-bit hooker (from her pictures).....skin tight jeans, tight little shirts, made up face, etc. Why he ever had to tell me that he used to have a crush on her, I have no idea. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

Thanks for letting me vent ! LOL

[Tony T]

So even though this guy needs you so badly to compliment him in areas he falls far short in, he's obviously not smart enough to take advantage of your kindness.

 

Frankly, you've made an excellent case for your ending this relationship in favor of finding someone you are more compatible with.

 

Is this the first big problem you've had with him...or have you been aware all the time of his lack of organization, inability to prioritize, etc.?

 

Some people are just slow moving and carefree. And some, like yourself, are driven and deliberate. Is this a case of opposites attracting? Do you see a future in this? Do you think you should take the relationship to Iraq and duke it out?

 

You're a pretty smart cookie. Where do you see this going? What are you getting out of it? If I took time off work to help somebody fix up their new place and they took such a don't give a crap attitude about my kind gesture, I would drive a moving van up their butt. And it would go in even further if I found out he was flirting with some two bit sluts who came over for beer and a good time.

 

You are giving this guy way too much of yourself and taking way too much crap off of him...in my opinion.

[clia]

Remind me again why you are dating this guy? The reason I ask is that it seems like he drives you nuts.

 

IMO, you are doing way to many "wifey" things for him. Your Friday night date is a trip to Walmart? He needs you to get him the phone numbers of the utility companies, help hang blinds, etc...why are you doing these things? I know he's your boyfriend and all that, but...he seems like he's either taking you for granted or just doing his own thing anyway without any respect for what you've done for him.

 

I think you need to seriously ask yourself if this is the guy you want to be with before you waste any more time. Can you honestly see yourself married to a guy like this (if you want to get married), or even in a long term relationship? Won't he drive you bat****?

[Just A Girl2]

Well, I guess I should be clear here.....a lot of these things, I've offered to do, to help him, because he seems so clueless and I've been of the mindset that these "things" are generally things that guys "think of." I was just trying to make things easier for him. This is his *first* place ever (first place living on his own). He met his ex wife when he was 22, they began living together shortly thereafter, they split up 3 yrs ago, he's been divorced for 2 and in the past 2 yrs, he's lived with friends or his sister (who's an obnoxious, mouthy, dependent cow). I know he's been excited to finally live on his own.

 

I know he's never before had to think about all these things..making arrangements to have utilities hooked up, get blinds, all those things his ex wife likely did when they were together.

 

I don't mind spending a Friday night at Walmart, helping him buy stuff for his place LOL. I'm the kind of person that when it comes to moving, let's get it done and over with, get things organized, put away...so that there's some actual free time left over to just sit back and relax. But I guess that's just me, and I shouldn't expect everyone to think the same way.

 

Maybe part of me is a bit of a control freak...I've been on my own for so many years, have moved so many times, have had to deal with things that most people have a significant other" to help them with...I'm very independent and a go-getter in this respect, life is short so let's get the show on the road. Maybe I'm expecting him to be just like I am: organized, have things planned out, have some kind of game plan. Maybe that's wrong of me? Afterall, it IS *his* place, not mine. If he wants to dick around all weekend and waste time, I guess that's his prerogative and I should just back off and do my own thing.

 

I just thought from a long time ago, from him, that all of these things, *WE* were going to be doing together...he told me long ago that he'd need my help with all this, because he's never done it before, etc.

 

And Clia, your question, can I see myself with someone like this forever? (or something to that affect), God, I really have my doubts. The more time I spend with him, I guess the more I get to know him...and see these sides of him that drive me batty.

 

Last weekend, for instance, I had planned to reorganize my garage...I'd been waiting to do it for weeks, but the weather's been so damn cold that I was waiting til it had warmed up some. I told him that after we got HIS stuff done last weekend, we HAD to do my garage. He putzed around, lounged around, and on Saturday night by 9pm, he was yawning and wanting to go to bed. I put my foot down, I made us stay up til 3am to get it finished! LOL I was NOT going to let another weekend go by without getting this done. I work all week, I only have the weekends to get my "to do" list done and I do spend a lot of it with him.....and I have to have a balance between time with him and getting my stuff done........I see, though, that he's a bit of a slouch...most guys I've dated have been more "go getters"......they'd rather bust their ass to get something done and over with, than drag it out (like me).

 

And yeah, Tony, I am pretty pissed that I was nice enough to get off early, drive 45 minutes all the way home (had to change my clothes and feed the cats), then plan to drive the hour all the way back to his place to help him, and he was quite apathetic about getting the stuff done we'd already planned on getting done. I mean, it was nice to be off work early, it didn't cost me any money to do it....so I can't be mad at him for that, it's just the principle. But hey, let him and his pals get the place together, fek it. If they want to sit around like coneheads and "visit", let them. They're obviously all a bunch of slackers, too. I'd never have friends that would be so clueless as to hang out at someone's place who was trying to move and get things organized...the time for visiting is after the work is done, but hey, whatever. They can rock on.

 

I think he just really lacks a lot of common sense......and I'm finding it hard to respect someone who seems this dim. I shouldn't let it frustrate me, but it does.

 

He does have some really good qualities, for sure, but the ones that drive me nuts will likely always be there, and I'm thinking that in time, I'd end up just becoming so totally exasperated with him. I want someone who's an intellectual equal (not to sound all cocky here)......he just seems so dense and too laid back for me.

 

Ugh.

 

Thanks, both of you.

[girlflorida]

Hi Just A Girl2! Hummm....I've read everything that you have posted and as difficult as it might be, you must let this guy learn how to do things on his own. Otherwise you will be doing it for him for the rest of your life!! He is a grown man and must start figuring out how to fend for himself. I understand that he was married before and his x-wife was more like a mother (than a wife) to him...but do you really want to play that role?

 

From what I can see, you are a very articulate and intelligent woman. I'm not sure you'd ever be happy with someone as empty headed as this guy. What attracted you to this guy in the first place? What are his good qualities?

 

I think you COULD train him to be more organized and self sufficient....but it's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part...is it really worth it, only you can answer that question.

 

Good Luck! You deserve only the best!!

[Just A Girl2]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, girlflorida

 

You wrote/asked:

 

I think you COULD train him to be more organized and self sufficient....but it's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part...is it really worth it

 

Yes, I think you're right here.

 

I think he's just a combination of clueless, too laid back, disorganized, immature (in terms of prioritizing things) and reliant. Maybe I'm too much the other way, but I guess the point is, he and I are at two different ends of the spectrum.

 

I freely admit (and my family can vouch for this) that I have a real lack of patience when it comes to "dense-ness" in people.

 

This is a guy who didn't even know what the interest rate on his mortgage was (how could you not know that well in advance?), he didn't think it was important to concern himself with what kind of homeowners insurance he has on his townhouse (part of it is through the builder, so because they "told him" things are fine, he believes them), I could go on and on.

 

Sometimes I feel I have to explain things "too much" to him, it starts to feel like I'm dating a child.

 

2 weeks ago, he tells me that he got his VISA statement and it said he owed a whopping $0.75....that they were "wrong" because he'd previously paid it off but they were still charging him interest. (He must have made his payment just after that statement was printed). He swore and called them dumbasses, said he wasn't going to "pay it." I told him that he (duh) needed to CALL VISA and straighten it out......that even though it's only 75 cents, ANY outstanding debt can affect your credit, whether YOU think you should have to pay it or not. I explained to him very clearly, that all he had to do was call, make sure they knew of his last payment and that they'd SEE their error and end up crediting his acct that 75 cents. He still muttered and mumbled that he just wasn't going to pay it. Frig! Hello? McFly? Anybody home? Did he even listen to a word I'd said?

 

AND.....it gets me too, this skanky friend of his sister. Was there a reason way back, that he needed to TELL ME that he used to have a crush on her? (she's always over at his sister's visiting, when he lived there) When he was showing me pics of a past trip to mexico, couldn't he have gone through the pics first and taken out all the pics he'd taken of HER? LOL I'm generally not a very jealous person, if there's a reason to feel jealous, in my mind, I say 'screw it'......life's too short to live like that. But of course, this bar-fly skank is over at his new place yesterday, you can hear her and his sister laughing in the background. I'm the one who busted my ass on many weekends, being dragged all over the city, helping him to pick out new furniture.....guiding him along so he didn't get ripped off (this guy is a salesman's dream.....he doesn't know how to dicker over prices, doesn't know to ask questions, he's clueless).......yet of course skanky and all his pals will be over there, complimenting HIM on what "good taste" he had in all the things he (*I*) picked out. LOL If I hadn't helped him, he'd have picked out stuff that even my 85 yr old grandmother wouldn't have choosen.

 

Anyway, I'll think more about what you and Tony and Clia have written......I did break up with him a few weeks ago, citing various reasons, but he was so persistent and he wore me down, I guess. I've never had a guy "fight for me" before, and I guess I was really flattered at how much he claimed to love me and want to be with me, the fact that he seemed so sure that we had something "really good."

[Just A Girl2]

So bozo didn't call last evening like he said he would, likely too busy with his "friends" (not that I care).

 

He calls a while ago, I was in the shower. He leaves a msg that he's busy making trips back and forth from his sister's place (where he's been living) to his new place. WTF? The guy has movers hired for today, to move his few belongings: stove, washer, dryer and some garage stuff/tools, etc. What the hell would he waste his time and gas, driving back and forth across the city, when these movers can throw everything into their moving truck in 5 minutes (he's got everything that they need to move for him, sitting in the garage, all ready to go), and they're going to be charging him anyway? What a dumbass.

 

So I returned his call, he's all chipper and hyper (must be the excitement), and I couldn't contain myself, I asked him why he's bothering to waste his time moving a few things in his pickup truck, when the movers will be there shortly and can do it in 5 minutes? He doesn't really have an answer, why? Cuz he's a dumbass.

 

So he asks when I'm coming over today. I flat out tell him I'm p*ssed off, that I took the afternoon off work yesterday, to help him do the things we'd planned on doing the weekend before...put up his blinds, etc. He then starts to get a little testy and says, "well so, you could have still come over anyway"...I told him, "Look, I'm not one to drive all over the place just so that I can "hang out" and be doing nothing" (there was nothing else that could have been done at his new place yesterday as it isn't today til the movers bring his 5 boxes of sh*t over).......I reminded him that it took me 45 minutes to get home from work, I rushed home here to change clothes and do a few things, then I'd be driving an hour to his new place..and for what, to hang out like a slug and shoot the sh*t with his friends? That I specifically took the time off so that I could be HELPING HIM ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING USEFUL, not stand around like a dork (I'm a go getter, remember...life is short, I'm not one to waste precious time on the short weekends doing nothing useful)......

 

WELL! He then starts to raise his freaking voice to me (I've never heard him do this, though he's admitted in the past that when he gets angry, he does raise his voice/yell)......dogging on me about this fixation I have with "driving all over the place".....and how that's stupid, and how he's always driven out to my place and never complained, because according to him that's what you do when you want to be with someone.....so in other words, I'm some anal retentive miserly wench who's too cheap. He was going on an on, I just sat here with my mouth hanging open, and I quickly told him that if he's going to yell at me, I'll let him go, and then I hung up. What a pr*ck!

 

I'm not a millionaire, gas is expensive here, I don't make the kind of money he does per month......nor do I drive a brand new vehicle. I drove an old car that rattles and needs work on it, it's getting tired and it's going to be a while before I can afford to buy a new one. In my new job, I do sh*tloads of driving all over the city.......putting wear and tear on it, and it's costing me a fortune in gas. I'm spoiled, I guess, I used to always live in small towns where I didn't have to drive more than 10 minutes to get to work or to a boyfriend's home. I HATE driving in the city, rush hour traffic, all the BS. Plus, I'm not into driving around and wasting gas/money, all for nothing. He's a trucker for fek sakes.....he drives for a living so it's nothing for him. Of course he's always been the one to drive to my house and not complain....cuz he always ends up staying overnight here..I'd HARDLY have gone to his place all these months, he's lived with his nasty sister and he has a room in her basement...yeah, like we'd have any privacy and I'm going to spend the night there?

 

He can f*cking kiss my ass, officially. I will not ever stand for a guy raising his voice to me ever again. He's lazy, disorganized, a f*ck-up, lacking common sense, dense, decor-challenged (LOL), and he'd really just be better off with some young dipstick who doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground.....I need a man, not a child.

 

Ugh. Thanks for letting me VENT!!!!!!! lol

[clia]

I think you COULD train him to be more organized and self sufficient....

 

I think that if he doesn't know by the age of 35, no amount of "training" will work. He is how he is, and this is either an accept or reject situation. (I personally have problems with references to "training" or "changing" other people. People are how they are, especially by the time they've reached a certain age.)

 

I can't believe he got mad at you when you were the one who took off work and made specific plans to help him out, and he couldn't even be considerate enough to call you last night.

 

I say good riddance. You are better off, JAG2, even though it might be hard to deal with the break up (since I think break ups are always hard, even if you do want it to happen.) Just think, you can actually find an adult, a real live man. I've heard they do exist...

[girlflorida]

I completely agree and respect what you have mentioned in your reply, Clia. I think my point had more to do with teaching this man how take care of himself. Somewhere along the way all of his responsibilities were left in the hands of his x-wife...not a good thing!! He's accustomed to having a woman fend and take care of him, so he continues abusing the situation.

 

From what I've read...Just A Girl 2 would really have to be in love with this man to continue putting up with all of his petty and immature behavior.

 

Good Luck!!