Is she really listening?

[Manuel]

Hello my name is Manuel I'm from Mayaguez Puerto Rico and im a 23 year old male. This is my first post on this website so here it goes.

My girlfriend wont listen to me and it pisses me off. I remember doing the same to her but know that the tables have turned it hurts.

The thing is that when someone doesnt listen to me I tend to think how much of a nobody I must be to that person. I dont know if im lacking character or if im being perceived as weak or boring. It really consumes me. I become very insecure.

I love her very much and she says she loves me and I believe her is just that i wondered what is it that she really is in love with: the idea of having someone perhaps.

I would like to be everything to her. I would like to be the person that captivates her and fascinates her but watching her not pay much attention to me(or the attention I think i deserve) makes me think im not. This is really ego manical and childish stuff but what can i do. i need some advice.

[Tony T]

You have sited two different problems....one that she doesn't listen to you...the other is that she doesn't pay attention to you. These can be two very different things....and each of these can mean very different things so you will have to repost and explain.

 

1. Does she not listen to you when you express your feelings, when you ask her a question or when you ask her to do something?

 

2. When you express your feelings, does she act indifferent or does she just not honor your feelings by continuing to act in a way that hurts you?

 

3. Do you listen when she expresses her feelings? Perhaps she is giving you a dose of your own medicine. There is no way to get her side of the story.

 

4. When you ask her to do something, do you ask in a kind, respectful way?

 

5. Do you respond properly when she kindly asks you to do something for her?

 

6. Please give an example of how she doesn't listen to you.

 

7. By not paying attention to you, do you mean she does not hear what you say when you speak or does she generally ignore you or your needs sometimes?

 

8. If she doesn't pay attention to what you are saying, do you talk to her at times when she is preoccupied with other matters? Do you choose times to talk to her when the two of you are alone and there are no distractions?

 

9. If she doesn't pay attention to you in general, have you asked her why? Is she bored with you? Have you done something to anger her and therefore take away her motivation to give time to you?

 

10. How old is your girlfriend? Have you watched how her parents interact in this regard?

 

You mentioned in your third sentence that you remember doing the same to her but now the tables have turned and it hurts. My guess is that you did it to her a lot and hurt her a great deal. Now she is retaliating...or getting back at you...for what you did to her. Paybacks are hell.

 

I recommend that you talk to her, apologize for the past, and try to get your relationship into a more mature mode. Yes, as you stated, right now this is pretty childish.

 

And, by the way, nobody can piss you off but you. Emotions are NOT automatic things...they don't happen unless you make a decision for them to happen. YOU are the one who decides whether you will be calm and discuss matters or get very angry. Getting angry is not a very rational thing to do because it upsets yourself...and people who go out of the way to upset themselves are just a little bit crazy. I don't think you want to act crazy.

 

If you can't work this out with your lady and make peace, go find another lady and always treat her nicely...the way you want to be treated...and you won't have this problem.

 

If you will answer the above questions, we may be able to give you better advice for your problem...or you may feel I have handled it sufficiently in these last paragraphs.

 

I also want to tell you I have heard there are some very beautiful women in Puerto Rico...I'd love to go there sometime and see for myself.

[Manuel]

Thanx for the reply Tony.

Come to think of it she has always been very respectful of my feelings and tries very hard to please me. The thing is i dont want to go through the same thing that happened with my last girlfriend, i drained her in every possible way so she got tired of me and i always take someone not listening to me as a sign of boredom and tiredness. I was brought up to think that woman are there to serve men and so i tend to be very manipulative just to see that everything is runnig perfectly. This is wrong and I know it. I just want things to be perfect with my actual girlfriend.

I wasnt able to see all the good things that i have right now with her but now i do.Thanx

 

And yes, women here are gorgeous. Your always welcome to come and see for yourself!