Is she loyal? or am I just thinking to much?

[Regularguy05]

Hello everyone!

 

New to website and first post, let me explain my situation and any help would be wonderful.

 

I have been dating this girl for 2 months now, and I am crazy about her, and she is crazy about me she says, she is very affectionate etc. She is late 20s, and I am mid 20's, we live about 1.5 hrs apart, so I see her on weekends, and other times when I get the odd week off. She took me to dinner to meet her parents the other week, which was cool of her.

 

Now, we met on a dating website, which was new to me, and to her, we were both just messing around and bam, starting talking on the phone etc etc. Anyways the other week, at her place she was showing me some funny comic website one night which was pretty neat. The next day she works in the morning so Iam bored at her place, drinking some coffee after she left, and felt like a laugh.

 

So I was trying to remember this website, but for the life of me couldnt, so I jump into the history section on her browser to try and find it from last night. I see twice in the past week she has been on the dating website we met on, and we have been together, in person, a couple for 2+ months. I couldnt help but look and she had browsed pages and pages of men from the town Iam in (Iam military).

 

My first thought was maybe she was just seeing if my profile was still up on the website, if I had been still browsing peoples profiles. But from the history I could see she has clicked on a few profiles that obviously were not me, and also a few profiles from her local town.

 

Now, Iam starting to fall in love with this girl, and she claims the same, but I can help but feel bothered by the fact she is still looking at the website. I was thinking about making a fake profile on that website and messaging her, to see what would happen, and play along to see if she is loyal, or just using me for temp love and affection while she searchs for something else.

 

The reason is Iam leaving in 6months to go overseas for 6 months, and if I dont know if I can trust her during the week while Iam gone, what about 6months!

 

Iam I right to be concerned with her looking at people profiles from the dating site me met on, or am I just thinking way to much about this??

 

Any advice would be great

[zilverenvlinder]

I'm not too keen on the fact that she left her apartment open to you to be alone in while she was at work and you went through the history browser on her computer.

 

I know, I know...you were looking for the website.

 

But the fact is, if she really didn't want you to know she wasn't on the dating website, she would have found a way to clear it from her web browser.

 

You have been together for 2-ish months. While it's obvious that you like each other, she hasn't cancelled her membership because it probably cost a lot of money in the first place, and you're leaving for 6 months so she wants to be sure this is the right thing for her while she scopes out the rest of the population. (This doesn't mean she's going on dates...she's just curious. I do it too, sometimes just because I'm bored, and I'm in a quite serious R.)

 

Have you introduced her as your "girlfriend" yet and has she introduced you as her boyfriend? Just curious..

[Regularguy05]

I'm not too keen on the fact that she left her apartment open to you to be alone in while she was at work and you went through the history browser on her computer.

 

I know, I know...you were looking for the website.

 

But the fact is, if she really didn't want you to know she wasn't on the dating website, she would have found a way to clear it from her web browser.

 

You have been together for 2-ish months. While it's obvious that you like each other, she hasn't cancelled her membership because it probably cost a lot of money in the first place, and you're leaving for 6 months so she wants to be sure this is the right thing for her while she scopes out the rest of the population. (This doesn't mean she's going on dates...she's just curious. I do it too, sometimes just because I'm bored, and I'm in a quite serious R.)

 

Have you introduced her as your "girlfriend" yet and has she introduced you as her boyfriend? Just curious..

 

Thanks for the input, when I get txts and at work saying how Iam the best boyfriend ever, and hang out with her friend, and her boyfriend, meeting her parents, I think it makes it clear yes?

[zilverenvlinder]

Ahhh. So this is now a very monogamous relationship, aye? When she introduces you as her boyfriend I guess that would make it so...

 

I would probably tell her exactly what happened and mention that you stumbled upon the history. It might piss her off but at least you'll get some clarification.

[Regularguy05]

Thanks for the input, if anyone else has advice feel free to chime in.

[AlektraClementine]

Yeah. You have to tell her what you saw.

 

If you don't, just sit back and watch what happens to your mind. Not fun.

[xpaperxcutx]

You violated her privacy when you unintentionally spied on her online activities. Either talk to about her " supposed" infidelity, which will in turn make her question your spying, or stay silent and pretend you don't know anything.

 

Although I do know very well that this incident is eating away at your trust in her.

[Regularguy05]

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm really not sure what to do, I dont want to bring it up and have her thinking Iam rooting through her stuff and trying to dig up stuff on her. I kinda just want to forget it, but I also have this sliver of doubt in my mind now.... ahhhhh

[AlektraClementine]

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm really not sure what to do, I dont want to bring it up and have her thinking Iam rooting through her stuff and trying to dig up stuff on her. I kinda just want to forget it, but I also have this sliver of doubt in my mind now.... ahhhhh

 

Yeah. That's usually the initial feeling. If you don't tell her, you will continue to snoop until you are satisfied. Thing is, that satisfaction will never come because you will always find something. Believe me, I know.

 

Whether you do it or not, the best bet is just to tell her what you saw. She may not be angry. When I fessed up to my partner about snooping, he was more embarrassed about what I found than he was angry with me for snooping. Also, if you don't tell her what you did, you're no better than she is. Because the thing is, now you're BOTH hiding something in the relationship. What good could that possible bring?

[Regularguy05]

Yeah. That's usually the initial feeling. If you don't tell her, you will continue to snoop until you are satisfied. Thing is, that satisfaction will never come because you will always find something. Believe me, I know.

 

Whether you do it or not, the best bet is just to tell her what you saw. She may not be angry. When I fessed up to my partner about snooping, he was more embarrassed about what I found than he was angry with me for snooping. Also, if you don't tell her what you did, you're no better than she is. Because the thing is, now you're BOTH hiding something in the relationship. What good could that possible bring?

 

 

Thanks for the advice, although I still gotta say Im not sure what to do, I really dont want to have "that" conversation, and have a little rumble this early in our relationship, either way, Its gonna be a long week till I see her for the long weekend, on the plus side, I get to spend 4 straight days with her come friday

[Regularguy05]

Does anyone else have any advice for me, has anyone been through a similar situation, if so, how did it work out?

[Regularguy05]

Shameless bump

[Island Girl]

Yeah. That's usually the initial feeling. If you don't tell her, you will continue to snoop until you are satisfied. Thing is, that satisfaction will never come because you will always find something. Believe me, I know.

 

Whether you do it or not, the best bet is just to tell her what you saw. She may not be angry. When I fessed up to my partner about snooping, he was more embarrassed about what I found than he was angry with me for snooping. Also, if you don't tell her what you did, you're no better than she is. Because the thing is, now you're BOTH hiding something in the relationship. What good could that possible bring?

 

I second Alektra here.

 

If you do not talk to her about going to check out profiles then it will eat at you.

It WILL change how you act toward her -- even if the change is small she will notice but won't know why -- you are screwing up the whole dynamic of what you have together.

And the relationship WILL not stand the distance (I know from extensive experience) with any distrust anyway.

Your mind will go bat shyte crazy wondering what she is doing here everyday and night for 6 months.

 

So if you do not talk to her about all this -- and that -- then it spells the eventual demise of the relationship anyway.

 

Get to talking dude. It can only help at this point.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Thanks for the advice, although I still gotta say Im not sure what to do

Sure, you do.

I really dont want to have "that" conversation, and have a little rumble this early in our relationship

Ooohhh, because you're choosing "doormat," instead. Gotcha. Yes, you know what to do - but you refuse to do it. If your snooping was so innocent, it should be easily explained as you did so here. Human beings are naturally curious and I have "oopsed" onto things on people's computers that I wish I hadn't seen. I was looking for something innocent and happened upon something that made me wish I hadn't been looking for the innocent thing in the first place. LOL

 

Now, if it happened in a serious relationship, I'd just say something. Do you know what you want? Is that a monogamous relationship with her? Then you need to tell her so. If she agrees that, oh...that's what she wants, too - then you need to tell her what you found.

 

Dude - there's no magical way to take care of this. Man up, bite the bullet and do it. Or you can just keep stewing in it and come up with all kinds of nasty thoughts in your head about her.

 

Seriously...here's my question to you - what is THE WORST that can happen to you bringing it up that you are so afraid of?

[cheerup]

My opinion. You guys have only dated last 2 months and you will be gone for 6 months sometimes soon. Given that, I can completely see her thinking it is OK for her to still look around although she likes you right now and enjoys your company. I could be wrong, this type of moral and loyalty definition depend on people.

 

I am not saying that you should like it. I understand how you feel. I will not like that, either. However, I can see she or somebody thinks it is OK to do, leaving a door open until it is very clear that you two are committed (again, the definition varies from people to people). Thus, I do not think it is a good idea to conclude her loyalty level at this point.

 

Additionally, I would not have a straight talk to her, especially given that you sort of sneaked into her computer, regardless of your initial motive.

 

Forcing other people to comment about their feelings to you is not attractive as the action is screaming how much you are into her in insecure/questionning way.

 

Second of all, this type of talk is not effective. Can you see how you are (or rather are ending up in) so loyal to her right now, thinking about her, and asking about her feeling to us here? This is how you keep others being into and thinking of you.

 

I am not suggesting playing a game, but just flip a position. Will you be more attracted to her and want to be loyal to her if she tells you she checked your computer and asks you to clearly state how you feel towards her so that she feels better and more secure?

 

However, your boundary should be clearly communicated and if you want to, your feeling for her can be communicated. If I were you, I will tell her how great I am feeling for her. And, at some different occasion, I may bring up that I tend to quickly lose interest in people who cannot commit or always look for something better. Then, see how she reacts to it.

 

Don't blindly trust women (as I don't for men). But, let others do in their terms and with their motivation. You do the same. If she keeps looking for someone better and you do not like it, you will leave.

 

Good luck.

[Regularguy05]

Sure, you do.

 

Ooohhh, because you're choosing "doormat," instead. Gotcha. Yes, you know what to do - but you refuse to do it. If your snooping was so innocent, it should be easily explained as you did so here. Human beings are naturally curious and I have "oopsed" onto things on people's computers that I wish I hadn't seen. I was looking for something innocent and happened upon something that made me wish I hadn't been looking for the innocent thing in the first place. LOL

 

Now, if it happened in a serious relationship, I'd just say something. Do you know what you want? Is that a monogamous relationship with her? Then you need to tell her so. If she agrees that, oh...that's what she wants, too - then you need to tell her what you found.

 

Dude - there's no magical way to take care of this. Man up, bite the bullet and do it. Or you can just keep stewing in it and come up with all kinds of nasty thoughts in your head about her.

 

Seriously...here's my question to you - what is THE WORST that can happen to you bringing it up that you are so afraid of?

 

The worst that could happen? One she could loose trust in me, and think iam constantly snooping around. And that could ruin what we have, as I stated above, iam falling in love with this girl, so iam nervous of messing this up. Iam going to have to bite the bullet and bring it up, would anyone here suggest I do it in person this weekend, or over the phone before the weekend? Thanks for the advice guys its really helping me. Sorry for any spelling or post structor iam on my blackberry heh

[AlektraClementine]

The worst that could happen? One she could loose trust in me, and think iam constantly snooping around. And that could ruin what we have, as I stated above, iam falling in love with this girl, so iam nervous of messing this up. Iam going to have to bite the bullet and bring it up, would anyone here suggest I do it in person this weekend, or over the phone before the weekend? Thanks for the advice guys its really helping me. Sorry for any spelling or post structor iam on my blackberry heh

 

Telling her you snooped won't ruin her trust in you. The actual act of snooping is what can ruin trust. Lying by omission just makes you all that more untrustworthy so don't make this about trust. The only way you can prove to her that you are trustworthy is to come clean. Do you want to BE trustworthy or do you want to APPEAR trustworthy. Two VERY different things.

 

I thought this was an innocent mistake, anyway? Was it not?

 

Look, I came clean to my fiance about stuff I found. He wasn't angry at all. Of course, what I found was something he was deliberately hiding from me.

[Regularguy05]

Telling her you snooped won't ruin her trust in you. The actual act of snooping is what can ruin trust. Lying by omission just makes you all that more untrustworthy so don't make this about trust. The only way you can prove to her that you are trustworthy is to come clean. Do you want to BE trustworthy or do you want to APPEAR trustworthy. Two VERY different things.

 

I thought this was an innocent mistake, anyway? Was it not?

 

Look, I came clean to my fiance about stuff I found. He wasn't angry at all. Of course, what I found was something he was deliberately hiding from me.

 

 

It was a mistake, but she might not think so. Arrrggg, I hate this stuff, oh well, thanks again for the advice.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Telling her you snooped won't ruin her trust in you. The actual act of snooping is what can ruin trust. Lying by omission just makes you all that more untrustworthy so don't make this about trust. The only way you can prove to her that you are trustworthy is to come clean. Do you want to BE trustworthy or do you want to APPEAR trustworthy. Two VERY different things.

I thought this was an innocent mistake, anyway? Was it not?

Look, I came clean to my fiance about stuff I found. He wasn't angry at all. Of course, what I found was something he was deliberately hiding from me.

 

No, No, No. While I typically agree with you AC... I don't think this is good advice.

 

Dude, you have been dating her for 2 months. The last thing you want is to start acting all super insecure. Mr. Snoopy will be the most unattractive thing on the planet!

 

Look, you violated trust by snooping (admit it, you did), she violated your trust by continuing to look for other men.

 

She knows your going to be shipping out in 6 months... do you think she wont date other guys while your gone? Serious?

[AlektraClementine]

Wow. I missed entirely the part about you leaving in 6 months. Still, you say you're falling for her? You sure it's wise to fall for someone who's still looking for other dudes right now?

 

UF- you could be right. My advice is simply coming from a place that knows that if you don't tell, you'll just continue to dig for info and then a little "mistake" turns into full on Angela Lansbury-ish behavior.

[Regularguy05]

No, No, No. While I typically agree with you AC... I don't think this is good advice.

 

Dude, you have been dating her for 2 months. The last thing you want is to start acting all super insecure. Mr. Snoopy will be the most unattractive thing on the planet!

 

Look, you violated trust by snooping (admit it, you did), she violated your trust by continuing to look for other men.

 

She knows your going to be shipping out in 6 months... do you think she wont date other guys while your gone? Serious?

 

Ya, I kinda did, we will have been together for a good 8-9 months by then. We talked about it, and she said it wasnt a problem, I was worth the wait, she would wait longer etc...

[Untouchable_Fire]

Ya, I kinda did, we will have been together for a good 8-9 months by then. We talked about it, and she said it wasnt a problem, I was worth the wait, she would wait longer etc...

 

Actions talk, Bullsh** walks.

 

It's a mistake to just listen to the words a woman uses. You need to pay attention to her tone, body language, and actions.

 

In this case her actions are saying... she still has doubts about you.

 

Doesn't mean that can't change in the next 6 months... but I doubt it.

 

I went to college near an army base. When those guys got deployed... I swear 80% of their wives where hitting the club the next night. It's messed up, but that's the way things are now days.

 

Wow. I missed entirely the part about you leaving in 6 months. Still, you say you're falling for her? You sure it's wise to fall for someone who's still looking for other dudes right now?

UF- you could be right. My advice is simply coming from a place that knows that if you don't tell, you'll just continue to dig for info and then a little "mistake" turns into full on Angela Lansbury-ish behavior.

 

AC, your right... I don't think he should be falling so fast. 8 months before deployment is not a good enough amount of time.

 

LOL... you dropped a 'murder she wrote' reference! Awesome!

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm rather saddened that people are surprised that a girl could stay loyal to a guy...even if they've only been together a few months. I tend to be an insanely loyal person - which is why I have to find out early on what somebody's game plan is so I don't end up getting hurt. But I generally feel for people more than I should (and I'm not speaking in a romantic sense) and care more than I should.

 

If I were "falling" for somebody, there's no way in hell I'd be searching for other dudes on some dating site. Loyalty is a lost value. It's a shame.

[Island Girl]

I'm rather saddened that people are surprised that a girl could stay loyal to a guy...even if they've only been together a few months. I tend to be an insanely loyal person - which is why I have to find out early on what somebody's game plan is so I don't end up getting hurt. But I generally feel for people more than I should (and I'm not speaking in a romantic sense) and care more than I should.

 

If I were "falling" for somebody, there's no way in hell I'd be searching for other dudes on some dating site. Loyalty is a lost value. It's a shame.

 

I am proof there are girls that do remain loyal. Beyond a shadow of a doubt -- and under MUCH TOUGHER circumstances than a deployment.

In fact both of us are. So it shouldn't be said about men either.

 

And I know of others -- to make those kinds of generalizations about such things is ridiculous.

 

It all depends upon the individuals involved.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm rather saddened that people are surprised that a girl could stay loyal to a guy...even if they've only been together a few months. I tend to be an insanely loyal person - which is why I have to find out early on what somebody's game plan is so I don't end up getting hurt. But I generally feel for people more than I should (and I'm not speaking in a romantic sense) and care more than I should.

If I were "falling" for somebody, there's no way in hell I'd be searching for other dudes on some dating site. Loyalty is a lost value. It's a shame.

 

I've seen tons of loyalty from women in my time. I've also found that women who date/marry military men... cheat at double the normal rate.

 

I am proof there are girls that do remain loyal. Beyond a shadow of a doubt -- and under MUCH TOUGHER circumstances than a deployment.

In fact both of us are. So it shouldn't be said about men either.

And I know of others -- to make those kinds of generalizations about such things is ridiculous.

It all depends upon the individuals involved.

 

Do you search for new guys on a dating website?

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