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Settling as a control issue


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Old 26th August 2009, 3:29 PM   #1
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Settling as a control issue

I was talking with a friend of mine about settling and she said, "Well that's what I do, is settle. I don't have a great opinion of myself and I don't know exactly what it is I want from men. So I settle for something that I think is below me so that I feel I have control. I have a sense of power when I do that."

Is this the case with anyone else who chooses to settle?
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Old 26th August 2009, 3:34 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by tigressA View Post
I was talking with a friend of mine about settling and she said, "Well that's what I do, is settle. I don't have a great opinion of myself and I don't know exactly what it is I want from men. So I settle for something that I think is below me so that I feel I have control. I have a sense of power when I do that."

Is this the case with anyone else who chooses to settle?
No, I think sometimes people take an evaluation of the person they're with and think that's the best they can possibly do (looks, money, compatibility, whatever), even though they aren't (truly) happy with them.
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Old 26th August 2009, 5:05 PM   #3
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I don't know exactly what it is I want from men
I think alot of women, especially younger ones fall into this category. The best approach? Tell the man that you just want to have fun and leave it at that. The guy will appreciate your forwardness. When you get bored, the two of you part ways - nothing gained, nothing lost and if you get in contact again, you can still be friends.
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Old 26th August 2009, 5:24 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by tigressA View Post
I was talking with a friend of mine about settling and she said, "Well that's what I do, is settle. I don't have a great opinion of myself and I don't know exactly what it is I want from men. So I settle for something that I think is below me so that I feel I have control. I have a sense of power when I do that."

Is this the case with anyone else who chooses to settle?
Youre friend really does this because she doesnt know how to attract the guys she really wants. So her sence of power really is going to bite her in the ass when she lands a guy shes gaga over, and doesnt have any of that power. It will also keep her bored with the guys shes with, and she will never be happy, because theyre never on a level playing field.. Poor kid.
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Old 26th August 2009, 5:29 PM   #5
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I don't get it and I don't like it. I don't settle. I think 'settling' is ego-centric because it is belittling of the person with whom one is supposedly 'settling'. Who says the "settlee" couldn't find someone who is absolutely crazy about them and doesn't need to "have control" in their relationship?

And why wouldn't your friend work on her self-esteem instead of settling?

I don't know, something really bugs me about her philosophy. And I'm not one of those people who "doesn't settle" because I'm waiting for prince charming. I think I have very realistic expectations. Mostly, I have very realistic expectations of what it takes to be in a loving, fullfilling, healthy relationship. That involves being with someone you respect.
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Old 26th August 2009, 5:30 PM   #6
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Youre friend really does this because she doesnt know how to attract the guys she really wants. So her sence of power really is going to bite her in the ass when she lands a guy shes gaga over, and doesnt have any of that power. It will also keep her bored with the guys shes with, and she will never be happy, because theyre never on a level playing field.. Poor kid.
Yup. One day she is going to meet a guy who thinks she is below him and she will be the one making a fool of herself.
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Old 26th August 2009, 5:38 PM   #7
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I still don't get the whole "settling" debate. In my mind "settling" can only mean staying in a relationship you're actually unhappy with. Beyond that, as long as one is happy, it is irrelevant if some characteristics of the other person are a bit off from what a person would desire in a "perfect world".

(So, per my personal definition settling means either being an idiot, or being a troubled person who cannot be happy with anyone)
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