Playing the Field

[ForRealLoveMe]

Okay... so I'm casually dating two guys.

 

Guy 1 - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199158/ - We've still been in contact... texting back and forth. I enjoy his company quite a bit, although he is exactly my height (I normally go for taller guys), and there's times that I really want to offer him a mint.

 

Guy 2 - I went out with him a few days ago. He took me out for drinks and we saw a movie. No sex, only a little kissing, and arm around the waist type stuff. Very attractive. Very easy to talk to, and we have plans for Saturday. I learned that he has Epilepsy, which I'm not familiar with, but trying to learn more. I'm not sure if it has to do with it, but he seems like he has a bit of a paranoia problem.

 

How long is it okay to be seeing both before I should make a choice? Should I come right out and say that I'm seeing other men? I'm not sleeping with both, nor would I regardless.

[Hkizzle]

Depends on your integrity.

 

I would say what you're doing is wrong already and you should just pick one man at a time, and if it doesn't work then move on to another guy.

[ForRealLoveMe]

Depends on your integrity.

 

I would say what you're doing is wrong already and you should just pick one man at a time, and if it doesn't work then move on to another guy.

 

How do you figure? People multi date a lot when it's the first 4 or 5 dates or so.

[Thaddeus]

I personally don't see anything wrong with multi-dating, as long all parties involved know that at the outset. OP, you should be clear with both those men that you're seeing others.

 

Neither man can read your mind.

 

Now, you run a risk in doing that, of course. One (or perhaps both) men may say, "Well, if you aren't committed, then there's no need to go any further. Havanicelife!" and vanish. The idea of competing for a woman's attention isn't particularly attractive to most men, since they don't know who or what they're in competition against.

 

If you don't say anything, however, it's bound to come out in some fashion and will probably happen at the worst possible time. Then you'll be accused of hiding something, essentially lying by omission. And that's not going to do you any good either.

 

So tell them and let the chips fall where they may. It's the honorable thing to do.

[ForRealLoveMe]

I personally don't see anything wrong with multi-dating, as long all parties involved know that at the outset. OP, you should be clear with both those men that you're seeing others.

 

Neither man can read your mind.

 

Now, you run a risk in doing that, of course. One (or perhaps both) men may say, "Well, if you aren't committed, then there's no need to go any further. Havanicelife!" and vanish. The idea of competing for a woman's attention isn't particularly attractive to most men, since they don't know who or what they're in competition against.

 

If you don't say anything, however, it's bound to come out in some fashion and will probably happen at the worst possible time. Then you'll be accused of hiding something, essentially lying by omission. And that's not going to do you any good either.

 

So tell them and let the chips fall where they may. It's the honorable thing to do.

 

I see what you're saying. I used to read posts in this forum long before I start posting. I've seen many people write that it's not something to mention until after a good 5 dates or so.

 

So how do I bring it up? This is the first time I've ever multi dated. So this is all new to me.

[Vet]

I see what you're saying. I used to read posts in this forum long before I start posting. I've seen many people write that it's not something to mention until after a good 5 dates or so.

 

So how do I bring it up? This is the first time I've ever multi dated. So this is all new to me.

 

Honestly, I think the only way you can date multiple people is if you aren't sleeping with any of them. If I was dating someone for a few dates and happened to find out that she was dating and sleeping with another person, I'd wonder why she felt it necessary to date me. It would also prevent things from progressing with us (because I wouldn't want to sleep with her while she's sleeping with someone else). That's not to say that I'm passing judgments on people that sex with multiple partners, but I think the only honest way to do it is if you aren't seriously dating any of them and everyone knows it's just a casual fling type thing.

[Thaddeus]

So how do I bring it up? This is the first time I've ever multi dated. So this is all new to me.

Obviously it will depend on the nature of the conversation and your own personality, but something like, "It's too early to talk about exclusivity, but you should know that I am dating other people right now."

 

No drama, no nonsense, just clarity and truth.

 

He may question you about it - "Who's the other guy?" and "How many other fellows?" and so forth - but you don't have to share that.

 

You should also make it clear, too, that you're not expecting exclusivity from him either; that is, he's also free to multi-date.

[Hkizzle]

How do you figure? People multi date a lot when it's the first 4 or 5 dates or so.

 

Multi dating is a shot gun approach. It's like me walking up to 100 girls in a club to get as many numbers as possible. Calling them later and getting them all out just so all my bases are covered.

 

Most people are not ok with being one of a number of people that's being accessed.

 

Therefore the most honest approach is to let someone know on the first date they are part of a group being accessed so there's no chance of being led on.

 

Again, how honest someone is, is the test of integrity. When a person is very honest they stand to lose the other person, and that's why so many people hide things from each other.

 

That's an honest answer, and I'm not telling you what is right or wrong. I'm just giving you the truth.

 

Me personally? I sleep with many women, but I let them know what the deal is so they aren't being led on.

[ForRealLoveMe]

Honestly, I think the only way you can date multiple people is if you aren't sleeping with any of them. If I was dating someone for a few dates and happened to find out that she was dating and sleeping with another person, I'd wonder why she felt it necessary to date me. It would also prevent things from progressing with us (because I wouldn't want to sleep with her while she's sleeping with someone else). That's not to say that I'm passing judgments on people that sex with multiple partners, but I think the only honest way to do it is if you aren't seriously dating any of them and everyone knows it's just a casual fling type thing.

 

Thanks for your imput that is good to know! I'm not having sex with both though. I don't have multiple partners for sex. If it came down to it, and the second guy and I were at that point, I'd want to wait. Then I'd make my choice.

 

Obviously it will depend on the nature of the conversation and your own personality, but something like, "It's too early to talk about exclusivity, but you should know that I am dating other people right now."

 

No drama, no nonsense, just clarity and truth.

 

He may question you about it - "Who's the other guy?" and "How many other fellows?" and so forth - but you don't have to share that.

 

You should also make it clear, too, that you're not expecting exclusivity from him either; that is, he's also free to multi-date.

 

Do I make it clear that I'm not sleeping with anyone else?

[ForRealLoveMe]

On the first date, with guy 1 - I did infact say that I wasn't looking to just settle down right away.

[ForRealLoveMe]

Multi dating is a shot gun approach. It's like me walking up to 100 girls in a club to get as many numbers as possible. Calling them later and getting them all out just so all my bases are covered.

 

Most people are not ok with being one of a number of people that's being accessed.

 

Therefore the most honest approach is to let someone know on the first date they are part of a group being accessed so there's no chance of being led on.

 

Again, how honest someone is, is the test of integrity. When a person is very honest they stand to lose the other person, and that's why so many people hide things from each other.

 

That's an honest answer, and I'm not telling you what is right or wrong. I'm just giving you the truth.

 

Me personally? I sleep with many women, but I let them know what the deal is so they aren't being led on.

 

 

Well in my opinion sleeping with many women is far off worse then multiple dating.

[Hkizzle]

On the first date, with guy 1 - I did infact say that I wasn't looking to just settle down right away.

 

That's fine.

 

Most people get hurt in relationships because the other person isn't honest.

 

I'm not saying I'm a saint, I'm far from it. But when someone is honest and not leading someone on, then they are doing nothing wrong in my books. The other person should be adult enough to make their own choices.

[Vet]

Thanks for your imput that is good to know! I'm not having sex with both though. I don't have multiple partners for sex. If it came down to it, and the second guy and I were at that point, I'd want to wait. Then I'd make my choice.

 

I know, but you are having sex with one of them. If I was the other guy, and I found that out, I think I'd probably wish you luck with him and be done with you, personally.

[dreamergrl]

I know, but you are having sex with one of them. If I was the other guy, and I found that out, I think I'd probably wish you luck with him and be done with you, personally.

 

 

I agree with this.

[Vet]

I think that would be difficult too: "Well, we've been having sex, but I don't want to anymore." What would you say when he asks why? "I've been seeing someone else, and I think I like him more than you"? "I'm seeing someone else, and don't think I should be having sex with anyone right now"?

 

I think you need to at least prepare yourself for the possibility that you'll have to stop seeing one of them to rectify this.

[ForRealLoveMe]

So I should stop having sex with guy 1? You guys are confusing me lol. If I did, why can't I just say that it's because I am seeing someone else as well, since I told him I wasn't looking to setlte down right away. And what do I say to guy 2? We have only had one date.

[Vet]

So I should stop having sex with guy 1? You guys are confusing me lol. If I did, why can't I just say that it's because I am seeing someone else as well, since I told him I wasn't looking to setlte down right away. And what do I say to guy 2? We have only had one date.

 

What I'm saying is that I think the best case scenario is that if you're going to date more than one person that you shouldn't sleep with any of them. However, you're already embarked on this: you've already slept with one, but you still want to see both. In your particular situation, I would suggest not saying anything to either of them, but try to decide for yourself which one you'd rather see and stop seeing the other. Then think of this as a learning experience. That's what I would do in your shoes.

[bluewolf17]

Honestly,

 

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. About 5 years ago I was having dates with three diffrent men, and It's not all it's cracked up to be. Too much to remember!

 

I think the sooner you decide..the better. Just imagine if you were seeing a guy who was dating more than one person. And sleeping with them and not you. I'm not judging you at all, you have everyone right to date as many men you like, and I think I read that you were honest and upfront about wanting to just be cacual. But since you are posting here, I am guessing you are having a internal struggle over it.

 

Just be a honest with both of them as you can (maybe not reveal the sex thing) and make a decision sooner rather than later.

 

Have fun!

[ForRealLoveMe]

Well it would be hard to make a choice right now, as I don't know guy 2 all that well. I'd like to hang out with him a bit more. I'm worried about making the wrong choice. Multiple dating is hard work!

 

See I didn't intead of all this happening. I had a date planned with guy 2 several weeks ago. But it didn't work out. Then guy 1 came along. Then this week guy 2 set up plans again.

 

It's not that I even like one or the other more. I started talking to guy 2 first, but went out with guy 1 first.

[ForRealLoveMe]

Bluewolf - I just don't want to settle with one guy and it be the wrong choice. I'm not trying to be unfair to anyone. But I do feel that sooner or later I will have to decide.

 

Maybe I can ask guy 1 if he's seeing anyone else, and lead into the conversation. I just want to do it so he understands I'm not trying to use him or anything. I'm not. I'm just not sure who and if I'm ready to settle.

[Vet]

Well it would be hard to make a choice right now, as I don't know guy 2 all that well. I'd like to hang out with him a bit more. I'm worried about making the wrong choice. Multiple dating is hard work!

 

See I didn't intead of all this happening. I had a date planned with guy 2 several weeks ago. But it didn't work out. Then guy 1 came along. Then this week guy 2 set up plans again.

 

It's not that I even like one or the other more. I started talking to guy 2 first, but went out with guy 1 first.

 

See guy 2 a little bit more until you decide, not saying you have to make up your mind at this very second.

[bluewolf17]

Listen to Vet then, he offers good advice. Have a few more dates and see where it goes! My only advice here, is to treat both of them, the way you would want to be treated.

 

I can totally understand not wanting to make the wrong choice, and wanting to give both of them a chance. You deserve the time to find out who is better for you.

[ForRealLoveMe]

Maybe, aslo, I will hang out with guy 2 for a bit before the next time I see guy 1, that way I can avoid anymore sex with him before I make my choice.