sandy12345678993 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 So there's this guy I've known for a few years now. We're both 25 now. We met in some chat room a long time ago. He didn't live too far away from me, and actually went to college and knew some of the same people as me. It was a innocent friendship. We would talk on messenger every once in a while to say "hi how ya doing?" He would occasionally hint at taking me out, but I always declined. Internet dating is still weird to me. Plus, he's not physically what I'm attracted to. He's very shy and doesn't date much. Finally about a year ago, I agree to meet him and go on a date with him. We went out to dinner and drove around for a while. We talked, but there were zero sparks on my end. We hugged at the end of the date and made no promises about a 2nd date. For about a month later, we would continue to text here and there. I probably flirted more than I should have, but it was nice to have someone want you. Then I met my most recent ex. We immediately hit it off, sparks flew, the whole nine yards. We were bf/gf within a few weeks. I hated having to tell the other guy that I had met someone new. I knew it would hurt him. He took it ok. So I didn't really talk to this other guy a whole lot during my relationship. I fell in love head over heels. He left me very painfully. We broke up about 3 months ago. So the other he says hi to me on messenger and we get to talking. I tell him I'm single again. He casually brings up something about us going out sometime. He's a nice guy, maybe a little slower in relationships than me. He would never cheat on me or treat me like crap. He's reasonably financially secure and has a good job. I am just not attracted to him. He's overweight and shy and doesn't talk to a whole lot girls. He would be a good guy for someone else. He's a good guy, just not for me. I wish I could like him as much as he likes me. I just don't know how to tell him that I don't want to date him. I try and hint at it, but he just doesn't seem to take the hint. Even right now, he's asking me if I missed him. I feel bad about it, but I don't want to lead him on. I don't know if physical attraction can grow with him. I don't know if we can hang out and be friends without him thinking it will turn into something more. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Do not give guys hints. They do not speak "hint-ese." They will not pick up on it even if it's a hint tied to a brick that hits them in the head. You must be upfront and 100% clear. It's going to hurt him no matter how you say it. But to NOT say anything is going to keep leading him on. The more he is led on, the more the truth will hurt in the end. So just say, "I like talking to you and hanging out, but I'm not interested in a relationship. I just don't feel that way about you." Nobody likes to hear it. But I'd rather be told that than have the person let me believe differently. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Youre going to have to deal with the guilt because you led him on when you know you shouldnt have. So you say to him exactly what Soulsearch said, and then you STOP TALKING TO HIM. If you dont want to hurt him, then you cant be friends with him because you know you will ruin his lonely life with him still chasing you. Dont be selfish and cut him off. Its bad enough that your self esteem is so low that you have to state "its nice to have someone want you"- and use this poor guy for that. Fix the situation and let this guy go, and stop letting him follow you for your validation. Link to post Share on other sites
Samari Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Youre going to have to deal with the guilt because you led him on when you know you shouldnt have. So you say to him exactly what Soulsearch said, and then you STOP TALKING TO HIM. If you dont want to hurt him, then you cant be friends with him because you know you will ruin his lonely life with him still chasing you. Dont be selfish and cut him off. Its bad enough that your self esteem is so low that you have to state "its nice to have someone want you"- and use this poor guy for that. Fix the situation and let this guy go, and stop letting him follow you for your validation. Suddenly ceasing communication and acting shady (if that is what you're advocating) is not the way to go. It's just being a bitch period. If you don't like the person and don't want that person to get the wrong idea, be upfront about it and tell them that you don't feel that certain way, but DO NOT ignore someone and cease contact. That is just plain rude. You be upfront about it, and if that guy doesn't want to talk to you anymore then that is his problem. You can still be friends with people after you make what kind of bond you share clear. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Suddenly ceasing communication and acting shady (if that is what you're advocating) is not the way to go. It's just being a bitch period. If you don't like the person and don't want that person to get the wrong idea, be upfront about it and tell them that you don't feel that certain way, but DO NOT ignore someone and cease contact. That is just plain rude. You be upfront about it, and if that guy doesn't want to talk to you anymore then that is his problem. You can still be friends with people after you make what kind of bond you share clear. I didn't get that at all, based on the bolded parts: Youre going to have to deal with the guilt because you led him on when you know you shouldnt have. So you say to him exactly what Soulsearch said, and then you STOP TALKING TO HIM. If you dont want to hurt him, then you cant be friends with him because you know you will ruin his lonely life with him still chasing you. Dont be selfish and cut him off. Its bad enough that your self esteem is so low that you have to state "its nice to have someone want you"- and use this poor guy for that. Fix the situation and let this guy go, and stop letting him follow you for your validation. Kinda sounds like exactly what you said, Samurai. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Actually I did mean for her to cut him off after telling him shes not interested. I meant "dont be selfish....cut him off". He seems like the type of guy that will still hang on to her if she stays friends with him even she says shes not interested. She would need to cut him off so he can move on to someone else. Its doing him a favor if he doesnt know better. Link to post Share on other sites
relationship_learner Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 There is nothing worse than having a hope, you put efforts into that hope and turns out that things dont work... I would tell him that i'm not interested in him... Yes, it would hurt him once, but then he will start moving on to find another partner for himself... There is a chance that he would accept the fact and you can be friend with a nice guy... Link to post Share on other sites
Samari Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Actually I did mean for her to cut him off after telling him shes not interested. I meant "dont be selfish....cut him off". He seems like the type of guy that will still hang on to her if she stays friends with him even she says shes not interested. She would need to cut him off so he can move on to someone else. Its doing him a favor if he doesnt know better. Wait you can't stay friends with someone after you tell them that you aren't interested in them in a romantic way? That's not helping the other person out by being shady. That's just acting like a bitch. Period. I mean to assume that someone else is going to hang on to you like that is ignorant. Until a person does so, or keeps bothering you, then that is when you take action and if you must, ignore that person. I would hate to be friends with someone like that in the first place...whether I was into them or not. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Wait you can't stay friends with someone after you tell them that you aren't interested in them in a romantic way? That's not helping the other person out by being shady. That's just acting like a bitch. Period. I mean to assume that someone else is going to hang on to you like that is ignorant. Until a person does so, or keeps bothering you, then that is when you take action and if you must, ignore that person. I would hate to be friends with someone like that in the first place...whether I was into them or not. its NOT being a bitch. If he is clueless she would be helping him out in the long run. Hopefully hes not clueless. The way she described this guy, if she says "lets be friends" he might agree just to keep hanging around thinking he can work his way into her heart. He doesnt deal with alot of women, so he might stay hung up on her and not try to find other women. he might. Its not really her problem.....but he hasnt pestered her so far, hes not going to pester her afterwards. Doesnt matter anyway, shes probably not going to cut him off, but hopefully he wont hang on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandy12345678993 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 I am no beauty queen and am a little overweight myself, but I think I am reasonably attractive. So it's not just about his weight. I tend to prefer a little bigger guy within reason. He was probably hovering around the 300 pound mark. I don't care if anyone else is attracted to the guy I like as long as I am attracted to them. Maybe it's not all about looks either. On our date, I took a lot of time to look nice and put together, and he showed up in regular shorts and a t-shirt. He said he dresses up everyday for work and doesn't want to after work. I don't think nice jeans and a polo or nice shirt is too dressed up. He was also taking calls all through the date "for work." He comes across needy and a little desperate. I was turned off by that too. I think the next time he mentions something about us romantically I will be more direct about the fact that I am not looking for that kind of relationship with him. And just see what he does then. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 You've done nothing wrong here. I always find it funny when people tell someone else, come on looks don't matter, it's the personality that counts! Personality of course is the most important but that doesn't mean looks don't matter. Besides, this guy sounds like he has zero idea about how to attract a woman. He's the classic nice guy that wants to just be himself. Nice is friggin boring to many women. They want an element of excitment. As for going to a date in shorts, that's not acceptable. There's a fine balance between being oneself and being plain lazy. Back to the original question. Is he stalking you? If not you can be straight up or just talk to him less. Either way works. Link to post Share on other sites
Hkizzle Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 From what you described, seems like you put to much "weight" on how the guy looks like. If she's not physically attracted, she's not. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 He was also taking calls all through the date "for work." He comes across needy and a little desperate. I was turned off by that too. I think the next time he mentions something about us romantically I will be more direct about the fact that I am not looking for that kind of relationship with him. And just see what he does then. You should sway that youre not looking for ANY relationship with him. Theres no need to keep in touch with him if youre not going to tell him the things he did wrong on a date. Dont keep him as a friend just because you need company. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Just be honest with him and tell him you have found someone you want to be with and you wish him well for the future and to take care of himself. That is it. Just be honest and to the point. No big deal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sandy12345678993 Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 I haven't even seen him since our date over a year ago. He lives about an hour away. We don't hang out or anything. It's strictly been instant message conversations. We had only talked a few times in last year. He said hi to me online a few days ago and we talked about what's been happening in our lives. He asked if I was single, and I said yes. I told him about the breakup and said that I was not ready for a relationship with anyone, and I'm not. Now he seems to talk to me everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 I haven't even seen him since our date over a year ago. He lives about an hour away. We don't hang out or anything. It's strictly been instant message conversations. We had only talked a few times in last year. He said hi to me online a few days ago and we talked about what's been happening in our lives. He asked if I was single, and I said yes. I told him about the breakup and said that I was not ready for a relationship with anyone, and I'm not. Now he seems to talk to me everyday. So since he is talking to you every day and asking if youre single (which means hes still working on your in your mind) When are you going to tell him straight up that you will never be interested in a relationship with HIM? He didnt take the hint. Link to post Share on other sites
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