Jump to content

How do I get her to commit?


FIREMAN

Recommended Posts

My GF & I've been dating 3+ years. Our 1st yr was gr8. Both of us completely in love with eachother. We tlkd about how we felt and that's when things changed. When she realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life w\her, she got scared and has put up a wall ever since (past 2 yrs). Everytime we get close, she pulls back. Last night I told her we need to do something about it & can't keep doing this. Feels like I'm dating Jekyll & Hyde. One day, she's all over me like a cheap suit, the next, I don't hear from her for 2 days. Then the cycle continues. She says she's not ready to settle down yet and I'm not pushing for a marriage, just a normal relationship. But, she can't get it out of her head that I want to get married to her. She feels bad that she's "holding me back" from what I want, cause of her issues.

 

I still love her and when I say that or express my feelings now, she pulls away. She and I have managed to stay together, but she's so scared of us moving forward, that it's easier for us to break up than put her fears aside. We're at that point. And she refuses to go to a psych doc for help. How do I get her to "give in" to the relationship and forget about the fear of being serious?

Link to post
Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO
How do I get her to "give in" to the relationship and forget about the fear of being serious?

IMO...you can't. It's her choice and she's just not "feelin' it." If I was scared to be committed to a guy, it's because he just wasn't exactly right for me.

 

Your GF is so paralyzed by the thought of commitment that you can't even have a normal relationship without marriage.

 

How does she feel about marriage in general? Does she see herself EVER getting over her fear? Or by saying that she's "holding you back," she's afraid that marriage is something you'll one day want, but something she'll NEVER want? Seeing as how you two have been together for THREE YEARS, what exactly is she afraid of (not just "marriage" or "commitment" - what about THOSE things frightens her and makes her close off)?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

She says she "Just doesn't know what she wants". She's lived a sheltered life, controlled by her parents. At 32, she just finally moved out, but they're still over her house all the time. She's attracted to me and in love with me. She keeps saying she cares about me, etc...she initated sex last week, then pulled back again. "I THINK" she's scared of "FOREVER" i.e. "What if she and I are together for 10 years and it doesn't work out?" She's said that in the past once. Her parents are married, but don't spend much time together & would prob be divorced except that her mom has no job & no where to go... I think that scares her. And her dad is VERY controlling. I think she associates men w\being like that now. As much as she knows I'm different, she can't stop thinking like that. I need her to give us a new start without the worry...

Link to post
Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO

Well, rather than a psych doc for just her, would she consider couples counseling? Because it sounds like her issues are relationship issues - not personal issues. A counselor would give her reassurance, but also maybe give you some ideas on how to deal with this. If she won't go, maybe you go alone...like I said, maybe he/she could give you some suggestions on how to get her to stop pulling away. But I really don't think there's going to be much you can do. I mean, really - who can see the future? And she's afraid of what "could" happen. Gees. She better stay home - the sky could fall at any minute. How frustrating. For both of you. Hope someone else can come up with better ideas.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I love her more than any girl I've ever dated. I'd give my right arm for her if I had to. I don't want to fight with her or have us feel uncomfortable. She wants to stay together, but is scared to do anything with me b\c SHE thinks if we have sex or get close, "I'll think that we're back on track right away". I understand it'll take tx to get back to normal and am willing to work w\her, but she has to remove the wall so our relationship can grow. She keeps me at arm's length now and is afraid to get too close.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Interesting you say she's 32 and still not ready to settle down. Most women want to get married well before that. Many people that fear marriage are the ones who's parents got divorced at an early age, but from what you've written they seem to be still together.

 

She sounds like a guy with commitment issues.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

In theory, her parents are still "together". They live in the same house, but don't sleep together, rarely do anything together\have completely separate lives and don't show any affection to eachother...no kissing, hand holding, etc. Her Dad is VERY controlling of the mother and my GF. Keeps tabs on them...My GF Couldn't even have a TV in her room at 30 yrs old. He uses love as a weapon to manipulate my GF, saying she doesn't really love him\her family if she doesn't do ________(fill in the blank). I think he's jealous of me with her, as in the past, every time she and I went away, he'd call with some "emergency" that she'd have to rush home for and cut our trip short.

 

I've explained this to her, but I think she's in denial and either (a) is now taking sides with him (as that's how she's been raised to think) or (b) is associating all men as being like her father and is so happy to have moved out of her own home and have "freedom" and is finally able to control something herself, meaning our relationship. In a way I think she "fears" me being like her father, and I'm not like that at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It's weird. At times, she seems SO into me, being concerned about me, making sure I get enough rest, and even saying to me that she's attracted to me. She constantly does little things for me, like make my favorite cookies for me, buy me mementos (little Fireman statues, etc), surprises me at work and then the next minute it's like I don't exist or I'm invading her space by calling her. I really don't get it. It's like she gets offended by me calling her sometimes, then the next min she calls me like nothing happened.

Link to post
Share on other sites
In theory, her parents are still "together". They live in the same house, but don't sleep together, rarely do anything together\have completely separate lives and don't show any affection to eachother...no kissing, hand holding, etc. Her Dad is VERY controlling of the mother and my GF. Keeps tabs on them...My GF Couldn't even have a TV in her room at 30 yrs old. He uses love as a weapon to manipulate my GF, saying she doesn't really love him\her family if she doesn't do ________(fill in the blank). I think he's jealous of me with her, as in the past, every time she and I went away, he'd call with some "emergency" that she'd have to rush home for and cut our trip short.

 

I've explained this to her, but I think she's in denial and either (a) is now taking sides with him (as that's how she's been raised to think) or (b) is associating all men as being like her father and is so happy to have moved out of her own home and have "freedom" and is finally able to control something herself, meaning our relationship. In a way I think she "fears" me being like her father, and I'm not like that at all.

 

I would say your analysis is probably spot on.

 

Have you discussed your analysis with her?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes I have and she agrees that that's prob the reason she acts like this, but refuses to get help. BTW, when I ask how to get her to commit, I'm only looking for her to be committed to being my GF for now. Not pushing marriage, etc, just consistency in the way she treats me. If it goes well, marriage would happen on it's own. She fears I'm ready to get married and that's all I want. I've explained to her that's not true, but she can't shake it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well it's very hard to deal with something if you don't get help.

 

Take phobias for example. I'm a big guy, but cockroaches scare me. Don't know why but they do. A big one was in the toilet the other day and my GF screamed, when I went to kill it, it flew on my face and I started screaming as well like a women.

 

She was screaming, I was screaming, running around with a cockroach on my face, I think the neighbours almost called the police.

 

Point is.........you can't get rid of fears without help. You should look into hypnoticsm if she doesn't want therapy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Fireman, you seem like a really nice guy but I suspect her issues are well out of the range of something you can fix or work around.

 

She may intellectually understand that her issues stem from her relationship with her dad growing up but might not be able to really get it. Know what I mean?

 

When someone grows up in a highly dysfunctional environment, something loving and healthy feels uncomfortable and wrong somehow. For her, love means being hurt and nothing you say or do is going to change that.

 

Over 3 years and she won't be your girlfriend? It would, of course, be easy for me to say dump her and find someone else. You're obviously emotionally invested. But the truth is she isn't going to change anytime soon and without a lot of help or at least personal self-examination.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well it's very hard to deal with something if you don't get help.

 

Take phobias for example. I'm a big guy, but cockroaches scare me. Don't know why but they do. A big one was in the toilet the other day and my GF screamed, when I went to kill it, it flew on my face and I started screaming as well like a women.

 

She was screaming, I was screaming, running around with a cockroach on my face, I think the neighbours almost called the police.

 

Point is.........you can't get rid of fears without help. You should look into hypnoticsm if she doesn't want therapy.

 

I'm sorry, Fireman, to hijack your thread, but I just spit my coffee all over my keyboard reading Hkizzle's post! :lmao:

Link to post
Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO
Take phobias for example. I'm a big guy, but cockroaches scare me. Don't know why but they do. A big one was in the toilet the other day and my GF screamed, when I went to kill it, it flew on my face and I started screaming as well like a women.

 

She was screaming, I was screaming, running around with a cockroach on my face, I think the neighbours almost called the police.

:lmao::lmao::lmao: OK...dying...of laughter... HAHAHAHAHA...the mental image. HAHAHA The two of you screaming. AAAAHHAHAHAHAA. Why in the world didn't she just close the toilet and FLUSH?? LMAO!!!

 

I'm sorry to TJ, Fireman. I just couldn't help it. Was going to PM him, but he can't get PM's. But I would think the above would show just how silly our fears can be if we allow them to control us. She needs professional help or I'm afraid there's not much hope.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...