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22 years old and never had a girlfriend


Panopticon

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Am i right in thinking this is very unusual? I have absolutely no confidence around women and i'm only ever considered a friend at most. A girl that i have completely fallen for has made it pretty clear she isn't interested romantically and that's just completely shot my confidence to bits so i don't even try with anyone anymore.

What makes it harder is that i'm a shy guy and over the last year or so have lost alot of my friends due to crap that i wont bother discussing here (not that i had many in the first place) which means my social life is now basically non-existent. I really feel like i'm missing out and am becoming increasingly bitter and depressed about this whole thing.

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It's unusual in our society to not have had one girlfriend or a few flings by 22, but that doesn't make you weird. You are still far from the only one.

 

However, it will be hard to change this fact if you are bitter, unsocial, and lack confidence. What are you doing with your time right now? Do you have a job, go to school, any interests? Structuring your day and spending time with other people who share similar interests can do wonders for your confidence and sociability.

 

Instead of focusing on what you haven't accomplished and don't have, why not focus on how you want to change your situation, and work towards that? Building your confidence and social network is the most important step to finding someone. Nobody wants to date someone just to be their only friend and crutch for their problems.

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I have a job. That's about all i do right now.

 

Can you elect yourself to travel at all for work? For some reason when I'm in an unknown city I seem to be more genuine, and confident I guess. Probably since I'll never see those people again.

 

It's a great way to work on people skills, and if you say something awkward/stupid, who cares? You'll never see them again. Learn from it, and you'll start to get that confidence.

 

Just an idea!

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SoulSearch_CO

I guess in society at large, it's odd. But my very first SERIOUS relationship was my XH and I was 22 (4 months shy of 23) when I met him. 24 when we got married. I don't think it's terribly odd.

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SoulSearch_CO
Yeah it feels pretty odd to me. At this rate my 20's will be spent alone

LOL. A tad bit dramatic, don't you think? You seem to have a decent attitude, not like the "bored people" or "chris'es" of this board that definitely WILL be alone for life. Just live your life. Romantic relationships are not all there are, my dear. I was with my XH for 5 1/2 years. Big hairy deal. I ended up single, just like you. Then I was with my xbf for 6 months. Guess what? I'm single...again...just like you. LOL There are other ways to learn more about yourself than the pain of relationships.

 

Yes, it may seem like you're "missing something" because at times it feels like the rest of the world revolves around romantic relationships. But let me tell you something - when you're in your mid-30's and married with children, you're going to wish that when you were 22, you had done all those crazy things you didn't do because you were too damn focused on women.

 

I'm only 29, but I passed up some opportunities for the relationship with my XH and I really wish I had been true to myself and done those things. I would have seen a lot more of the world and made a lot more money. Hard to believe on the end you're looking at things, but do NOT hang your life on a relationship. Do EVERYTHING that you can NOW that you will NOT be able to do once you're hitched. ;) Just trust me. I missed out on opportunities that I'll NEVER get back.

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I'm 25 and never had a girlfriend, so I guess that makes me worse off than you!

 

Just remember there are lots of women out there, and don't stop trying. It may take a while, but you will find someone (and hopefully I will too). Try get out there and do stuff with other people. You aren't going to meet anyone sitting at home. Maybe give online dating a try. At worst, you'll meet some people and have a few dates to gain some experience.

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Thanks for the advice guys. I just don't like being this inexperienced at 22. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if i was more laid back about it, but it just seems to be damaging my confidence the longer it goes on.

I'm definitely a lot more cynical and bitter than i used to be because of this, and that's not going to help matters either. Anyway.. i'm out for tonight.

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It'll wind up being a self-fulfilling prophecy if the attitude continues to tank. Confidence is attractive, and not having it can make you come across as less attractive, which only keeps the vicious cycle churning.

 

How do you spend your time? What are your interests? What are your strengths/weaknesses? There are many things you can do to learn more about yourself and how to best place yourself in situations where you will increase your chances with respect to making new friendships and, potentially, relationships. If you're spending all your time at work, for instance, and you know nobody there is going to be suitable, then you absolutely need to spend time doing other things outside of work. Otherwise, you're basically waiting for change to come to you, and that could take a while.

 

It's easy to feel cynical when life has dealt you a fair share of bad luck, believe me -- but feel confident in knowing that the future is still unchanged and that you can make things happen for yourself. The fact of the matter is that there are TONS of girls who would be willing to date you. The hard part is figuring out how to meet them.

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Citizen Drawn
Thanks for the advice guys. I just don't like being this inexperienced at 22. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if i was more laid back about it, but it just seems to be damaging my confidence the longer it goes on.

I'm definitely a lot more cynical and bitter than i used to be because of this, and that's not going to help matters either. Anyway.. i'm out for tonight.

 

Seek out places/situations where there's a lot of women and few men.

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wontgohomewou

Post a pic my friend. Attraction starts physically, we can tell you what to change so you will be more attractive to the ladies. Once that gets going you will pretty much pick up how to talk to a girl.

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Post a pic my friend. Attraction starts physically, we can tell you what to change so you will be more attractive to the ladies. Once that gets going you will pretty much pick up how to talk to a girl.

 

 

^^ I have a friend that is 22 also... he hasnt had a relationship yet, and hes a virgin. He's completely shy around women, and he too, is becoming increasingly bitter with, well, just about everything.

 

Hes HOT though! Every girl I introduce him to asks me later "wow who was that? hes sexy". My friend has the looks... but the confidence? I guess not.

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My looks aren't the problem. I see far worse looking people than me with girlfriends. I think it has more to do with my shyness and general awkwardness around people. That's just the way i am though so i can't do much about that.

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That's just the way i am though so i can't do much about that.

 

This is a lie man.. You always can chose who you want to be. Don't let life and its circumstances decide who you are. Be who you want to be, change your beliefs and decide who you are. It's not easy but you can do it. You're in control, its your life.

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Easier said than done. I also think part of it is 'either you have it or you don't', maybe i have zero charisma or something to go along with the shyness.

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But surely you accept the fact that these things are all in your mind. If you always resort to "easier said than done," then you're giving up before you've even begun. No, it's not easy. But it can be done. In what ways are you awkward?

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I really feel like i'm missing out and am becoming increasingly bitter and depressed about this whole thing.

 

There have been guys in the forum that are in their late 30s and never had a gf either and are still virgins.

 

Imagine that.

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There have been guys in the forum that are in their late 30s and never had a gf either and are still virgins.

 

Imagine that.

Its because a lot of women are horrible, that is why.

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Its because a lot of women are horrible, that is why.

 

All kinds of reasons. But what I noticed mainly was that those guys were incredibly shy and also didn't have much confidence (they self-doubted themselves etc) so it was hard for them to even approach someone.

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But surely you accept the fact that these things are all in your mind. If you always resort to "easier said than done," then you're giving up before you've even begun. No, it's not easy. But it can be done. In what ways are you awkward?

 

I'm just not at ease. I've always felt a bit like an outsider. Especially in a bar or club, that whole atmosphere, that's not a natural environment for me and never will be.

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SoulSearch_CO
My looks aren't the problem. I see far worse looking people than me with girlfriends. I think it has more to do with my shyness and general awkwardness around people. That's just the way i am though so i can't do much about that.

 

This is a lie man.. You always can chose who you want to be. Don't let life and its circumstances decide who you are. Be who you want to be, change your beliefs and decide who you are. It's not easy but you can do it. You're in control, its your life.

You gotta "fake it till you make it," dude. ACT like you have confidence. ACT like every woman in the room wants you (for good reason!). Put it in your head that you have confidence and ACT like it. Even if you don't feel it. The more you DO it, the easier it will become. I'm painfully shy. The only way I have overcome it in various situations is by doing my best to ignore that feeling of fear and just GOING for it, and to hell with what people might think of me. It's scary as hell the very first time you do it, but you know what? It feels SO GOOD when you're able to overcome that weakness and it'll spur you to want to do it again. I give into my shyness now and again...but with each time I DON'T, it gets easier to make the choice to be confident. :)

I'm just not at ease. I've always felt a bit like an outsider. Especially in a bar or club, that whole atmosphere, that's not a natural environment for me and never will be.

Yeah, well...I totally understand this. I'm not really into crowds. I've never been much of a partier. And I get the feeling that if I went to something like this, I'd have to get disgustingly drunk to feel at ease enough to enjoy myself.

 

So try other avenues. Any opportunity to meet girls at work? School? Through friends? Go to the library. Just the other day, one of the other posters was talking about wanting to hit on a guy she saw at the library.

 

Of course, your first step should be working on your confidence. Because you won't be able to approach a woman ANYWHERE until you have at least the confidence to make eye contact and give a sexy smile. Quit telling yourself you don't have it or you'll NEVER have it. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT.

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SoulSearch_CO

Oh, yeah - don't know if it's been asked, but have you considered online dating? It seems to be the best friend of the shy.

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There have been guys in the forum that are in their late 30s and never had a gf either and are still virgins.

 

Imagine that.

 

Easier said than done. I also think part of it is 'either you have it or you don't', maybe i have zero charisma or something to go along with the shyness.

I'm one of these in their mid 30s whose never had a relationship or even gotten past a first date. I became extremely bitter and angry, but now I'm trying to give it a chance.

 

You are still in your early 20s, so only some women will hold your inexperience against you (a lot more will in your mid 30s). You want to take risks. Try and talk to more strangers. Try and make new friends.

 

You need to get to the point where you can ask women out. I've finally gotten to that point, after thinking I could never do it for many years. I tried online dating and have gotten the first few dates of my life from it. I've had bad experiences and dealt with dishonest game playing women, but hold out hope that I'll find someone.

 

It will be much easier for you than me if you get started soon.

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Thanks to everyone that's offering advice. I'll give it a shot and try to be more positive, but i can't help being cynical about my chances.

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