so he just bailed on me?

[tkgirl]

general question: why do guys (not to stereotype) make it a point to call you to say they want to see you, only to disappear?

 

scenerio: guy calls... I'm in the shower and can't answer.. it goes to voicemail... he leaves a message and says he wants to make a plan to get together but that he's going to bed soon and will call again soon. The next day I get an email from him... asking if I got his message... again he says he wants to make a plan and that he'll call later... and then... nothing! that was early last week and now it's like he forgot? something else came up? what? Like why even make the effort to say he wanted to see me, only to flake?

 

grrrr... it makes me so mad... at this point I just want to ignore him when and if I hear from him now.

 

thoughts anybody?

[JHparkes]

Hey, did you not call him back then? Maybe he's thinking he's sent you two messages, and if you've not responded then you're not all that bothered??

[Thaddeus]

Nothing mysterious about it. He contacted you twice. You didn't respond. It's probably a safe bet that he figures if you didn't respond to two messages, you're not interested.

[IcemanJB]

Yeah, if you didn't respond to his messages it's pretty obvious why he "flaked".

[Els]

I dunno, isn't it common courtesy that the party who misses the call (ie you) should call back?

 

Then again he shouldn't SAY he's gonna call back if he doesn't plan to.

[loveslife]

He did ask in the email if she got his message. Maybe he was expecting to hear back. Sometimes people suck at these initial communication periods. Or maybe he's just playing games.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Seems kinda obvious to me he tried to contact you twice, even asking if you got his first message, and you didnt reply. And you are expecting him to AGAIN be the one initiating contact?

 

Call the guy back already. And you might have to come up with a valid reason as to why you ignored his call + e-mail. Yes, thats what he will be thinking: that you ignored his calls and that you were not interested or too lazy to contact him back. So he assumed you were not worth the effort.

[tkgirl]

thanks everyone.. yea, I could see if he had contacted me twice and I didn't respond at all he would think that I was the one that wasn't interested. The thing is that I did actually respond to his email... sorry, guess I could have put that in my first post! But in it I told him yes, I'd like to make a plan to get together too and that he could call me that night, that I'd be home etc. and then, well... no call!

I guess the thing is that he's the one that said he'd call me again... like I don't get why he'd make the fuss of calling and emailing and then... nothing! And I now I feel like I may not ever hear from him... that something happened and now he's done with me. It makes me sort of mad (and a little sad too) but I feel like I have to let it go... that it's his deal and it has nothing to do with me.

I don't know... lately I've been having issues with a lot of people in my life not being real with me. I just don't have the patience anymore for it, ya know?

thanks for all the replies though!

[Trialbyfire]

I would say he's juggling and setting the hook. Don't be sad tkgirl. Let this play out. He's going to contact you again.

[boogieboy]

thanks everyone.. yea, I could see if he had contacted me twice and I didn't respond at all he would think that I was the one that wasn't interested. The thing is that I did actually respond to his email... sorry, guess I could have put that in my first post! But in it I told him yes, I'd like to make a plan to get together too and that he could call me that night, that I'd be home etc. and then, well... no call!

I guess the thing is that he's the one that said he'd call me again... like I don't get why he'd make the fuss of calling and emailing and then... nothing! And I now I feel like I may not ever hear from him... that something happened and now he's done with me. It makes me sort of mad (and a little sad too) but I feel like I have to let it go... that it's his deal and it has nothing to do with me.

I don't know... lately I've been having issues with a lot of people in my life not being real with me. I just don't have the patience anymore for it, ya know?

thanks for all the replies though!

 

If he didnt call you after a couple days, you should have called him. If he flaked after that, then theres a problem. Youre playing it too distant.

[Trialbyfire]

thanks everyone.. yea, I could see if he had contacted me twice and I didn't respond at all he would think that I was the one that wasn't interested. The thing is that I did actually respond to his email... sorry, guess I could have put that in my first post! But in it I told him yes, I'd like to make a plan to get together too and that he could call me that night, that I'd be home etc. and then, well... no call!

I guess the thing is that he's the one that said he'd call me again... like I don't get why he'd make the fuss of calling and emailing and then... nothing! And I now I feel like I may not ever hear from him... that something happened and now he's done with me. It makes me sort of mad (and a little sad too) but I feel like I have to let it go... that it's his deal and it has nothing to do with me.

I don't know... lately I've been having issues with a lot of people in my life not being real with me. I just don't have the patience anymore for it, ya know?

thanks for all the replies though!

I'm bumping this post by tkgirl, for those who've appeared to have missed it.

[tkgirl]

I would say he's juggling and setting the hook. Don't be sad tkgirl. Let this play out. He's going to contact you again.

 

thanks TBF.. coming from you that means a lot... you always tell it like it is and that's a good thing!

 

yea... I'm just going to hang back and see what he does next. Like I said, I'm kind of done with flaky people... and I feel like if I called him, he might just do it to me again... and that would really suck.

I think I'm taking this so hard because I just had a bad week... and I'm really not up for any more crappy things happening to me.

[tkgirl]

My question remains unanswered was there any return call? Email and text is a lame way to set a date. If a guy is calling you, you call him back. You get him on the phone and see what he wanted if he talks to you and doesn't set a date he is playing around.

 

Stop wasting time with emails and texts which typically signifies mild interest.

 

great advice.. something to keep in mind for the future... meaning I still don't want to call this guy! but next time I'll try to remember that... thanks!

[Els]

But if you had picked up the phone and called him and he DOES do it again you can write him off. No more time wasted on your part. This way you are inviting anxiety into your life, you are now going to sit around and wait for another week to see if he calls again!!? That makes no sense to me at all.

 

When he called you and then emailed you the next day you pick up the phone and call him back don't email him to give him your sched to see when he can talk to you again, you just pick up the phone and call him back.

 

This way you are stuck on thinking about him 24/7 why do that to yourself?

 

I totally agree with this. I really don't get it why some girls are so obsessed with appearing 'aloof' to hook their man, when their methods will really make them think of the guy MORE, or hang on for LONGER if there actually is nothing. The point of letting the guy contact you isn't to 'appear aloof', it's to allow you to continue living life without him and to really NOT be obsessed! So employing methods that will cause you more suspense (I emailed him.. will he read it? He hasn't replied but that may not signify that he has no interest because it's only an email... how often would he check it? etc) really are self-defeating in this case.

 

If you had just CALLED him back like most people do after receiving a miscall, tkgirl, you would have your mind at rest and your answer by now.

[tkgirl]

I don't get it either Elswyth, there is so much crap being written out there that is almost the direct parallel to the PUA approach, only for how women should act and all it does is create a false sense superiority in people who are otherwise lost and looking for "trick ways" to attract the opposite sex.

 

What is the point of playing "aloof?" you either are aloof or you are not. you either have things going for you and you are busy keeping your mind on a full balance life of you DON'T. Don't play it like you do if you don't. It's not attractive in any shape way of form and your jig is up as soon as they get to know you. Playing it is not good enough.

 

Here is a perfect situation a man who is clearly interested he is calling he is making the effort he is trying to make it happen and here is the counterpart who is acting like she should be chased when the guy is already chasing, you pick up the phone and make it happen. The guy is chasing what more reassurance do you need from a guy?

 

But then it's the guy that is considered "flaky" in this situation?!?! I just don't get it! Maybe he is a flake, I dunno, but you know how you cure a flake? You pick up the phone and you call his bluff. You get him to commit to his message of asking you out on that date if he does not then you hang up the phone wish him a good night with a warms smile and your new day starts tomorrow. A day which does NOT include him or any thoughts about him. WASTE OF TIME! You have better things to do, like watch your toe nail polish dry which for me is still better than thinking about someone who is not serious about me or my time.

 

No instead all these stupid games back and forth and weeks in you are still pining and thinking about a guy who you have no clue what his intentions were other than what was discussed in messages? C'mon people why is everyone so afraid of the phone? :laugh:

 

Makes no sense!! No wonder even when people are interested still it all goes down the tubes...stop with the coy games they are so passé! Grab some confidence and make things happen either way.

 

so... you think I should call him then?

 

I'm sorry... I could't resist!

 

I hate games too... it's seriously NOT what I'm trying to do. There's a history with this guy... I didn't get into all of that in my OP... but he's not a new guy that might be interested in me.... and this isn't the first time he's given me mixed messages. I guess I feel like I've just gotten to the point with him where I just want to give up... yea, it's lame of me but it's how I feel.

 

I hear where you and Elswyth are coming from though.. loud and clear! and I promise with the next guy.. no games!

 

you guys rock... seriously... thanks!

[tkgirl]

:lmao: at least you never have to read between the lines with me....

 

If you have a history with him and he is not worth it then write him off girl!!! Why dedicate a thread to him and waste your time and ours, we all have toenails and polish that need our attention right now!!

 

yea.. well, it wasn't a complete waste of time... since I was just sitting here waiting for my toenails to dry anyways!

 

but my apologies if I wasted your time... I thought you gave some great advice though... for what it's worth!

 

oh, and this guy... he's hard to just "write off", as much as I say I want to...

[Thaddeus]

oh, and this guy... he's hard to just "write off", as much as I say I want to...

And you know why?

 

Because he keeps himself only slightly available. Just enough to keep you interested (and it's obviously working) but not enough for him to make a commitment.

 

It's the standard "wanting what you can't have" scenario.

 

I can't tell if he's playing you - I don't think so, but I can't really be sure - but whatever he's doing is giving him the desired effect.

[tkgirl]

No no no please it was just a joke!! not a waste of time at all, just playing around for your sake so that you don't waste your time on someone who you've already decided, given your history together, is not all that worth investing in.

 

 

I get you! Some guys are hard to write off but in the end it is much harder to torture yourself over someone who you haven't a clue where they stand. Better to get your doubt out of the way one way or the other, is really the message I wanted to convey.

Ultimately, you know what is best for you.

 

 

ok.. good, I don't need to P'off any of my cool fellow LSers!

 

yea... like I said in an earlier post.. I had a crappy week and I think I'm feeling sorry for myself a bit. I'll snap out of it... and maybe I'll give him a call when I'm feelig better again.

 

Thanks again BH! you really helped.. seriously!

[tkgirl]

And you know why?

 

Because he keeps himself only slightly available. Just enough to keep you interested (and it's obviously working) but not enough for him to make a commitment.

 

It's the standard "wanting what you can't have" scenario.

 

I can't tell if he's playing you - I don't think so, but I can't really be sure - but whatever he's doing is giving him the desired effect.

 

 

ahhh.. very interesting! yep.. it is working.. I do want him more, but on the other hand it seems like he forgot about me and that makes me feel like crap! and I don't want that...

[Kamille]

Interesting responses you've gotten TK.

 

It's made me wonder... Is it possible that by playing aloof you are contributing to keeping yourself second guessing... So that, next time this guy calls, you should just call him back - that way at least YOU have stopped playing games.

 

Besides, you've got nothing to lose right?

[tkgirl]

Interesting responses you've gotten TK.

 

It's made me wonder... Is it possible that by playing aloof you are contributing to keeping yourself second guessing... So that, next time this guy calls, you should just call him back - that way at least YOU have stopped playing games.

 

Besides, you've got nothing to lose right?

 

yep.. the ol' playing "I'm cool with whatever" has bitten me in the @$$ yet again! you think I'd learn, huh?

[tkgirl]

:lmao:I thought I read "Losers"!:lmao:

 

 

 

 

Aww right back at ya babe! (call him) I'm so glad I (call him) could be of help. I understand you (call him) were having a bad week and things do end up (call him, call him, call him) piling up like that. But at least talking about your thoughts can help sometimes.

 

 

;)

 

 

 

so again, I'm a little confused... you think I should call him? really?

[boogieboy]

Aww right back at ya babe! (call him) I'm so glad I (call him) could be of help. I understand you (call him) were having a bad week and things do end up (call him, call him, call him) piling up like that. But at least talking about your thoughts can help sometimes.

 

 

LMAO!! :lmao:

[tkgirl]

ok... don't kill me... but he just called! of course, I was out riding my bike so I missed it...

 

so now what, do you think I should call him back? :lmao:

[tkgirl]

OMG you are lucky you are not one of my girlfriends in my city or else I would be at your place bitch slapping you right now!!

 

YESSSSSSSSS CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm happy and excited for you by the way. Ooooooh!!!

 

:lmao:

 

I'm calling... I'm calling! well, I will soon... tonight... I promise!!!

 

and I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.... he did mention in his message that he wanted to get together again... and it was funny because then he told me to call him this time!