it feels like my bf doesn't love me anymore...

[kitkat22]

me and my bf went out for more than three years now

we recently moved in together

i really love him with all my heart but it feels like he doesn't feel the same way for me alot of times

he used to be so sweet and caring and respectful to me all the time

but i feel that he doesn't anymore

 

he's so rude to me very often and to my family also...

i dont know what to do

if i tell him these concerns he says only thing i do is to complain

if he gets frustrated from the job or something he puts it on me and its so emotionally draining for me...

 

did he get tired of me? i dont know if he wants to be with me anymore and i dont know what to do...

 

its so hard on me esp because he used to be not like this...

he criticizes me saying something like you are so lazy or you are so helpless or your weird and not normal

it hurts me deeply... but i dont know how to make him see this becuase me telling him these concerns would only bring out " you complain so much" out of him, nothing else.

 

he's never excited to see me anymore and never anticipate to spend time with me on weekends...

 

was it my fault to move in with him?

i feel like our relationship is ruined...

[boogieboy]

Sounds like moving in did it. I say move out, back to where you were and reduce the time you are spending with him. let him live without you a lil bit so he can miss you. Then you can talk to him about how he hurt you. He wont listen until he misses you though.

[kitkat22]

im seriously considering it..

 

but im afraid that it will only pull us apart even more..

[boogieboy]

im seriously considering it..

 

but im afraid that it will only pull us apart even more..

 

If you cant talk to him about it, you can only pull yourself out of the situation to make him realize what he is giving up. You have to take the chance. Tell him first that you are thinking of moving out because of his behavior, and if he still blows you off, do it. Its the only way.

[Thaddeus]

You have to take the chance. Tell him first that you are thinking of moving out because of his behavior, and if he still blows you off, do it.

I'm afraid that my friend boogieboy is right. There's an old saying, "You have to risk losing him/her in order to get him/her."

 

Anytime there's a change in the relationship, such as moving in or especially marriage, the dynamic of the relationship changes too.

 

You're going to have to communicate with him about what you feel the issues are. And be specific. Don't make him guess or try to read your mind.

 

Bear in mind as well that there may be some things about you that he finds irritating. That's perfectly normal. But if you can get all these cards out on the table, you'll have a much better chance of working through them.

 

Good luck!

[kitkat22]

thanks for all your comments.. it helped to think more about this situation in different perspective..

 

however...

i really don't know if all guys are like that becuase he's my first serious relationship i ever had but first thing he does when i tell him these concerns is to say "what? that never happend.. what are you talking about? etc.."

 

he denies completely of any of my concerns happening

 

and then he goes on "thats because you did this and that..."

 

and then.." i cant believe you feel that way im so disappointed in you"..

 

 

and i get so upset and finally started to cry but he doesn't care that im crying and move on to do other things like homework.etc...

 

we see each other for like one hour everyday max. because we have very diff and busy schedules..

 

but he prefers "beer at beach with my friends"

 

on weekends like these ill come home around ten at night and we used to do something fun but he doesn't want to be home to wait for me

 

instead he will call his friends up and hang out wiht them...

 

and i get drunk man aroud 2am yelling at me stuff like "ill throw you out the window or break up with you if you do this..that..."

 

 

he was my high school sweet heart and i love him so much...

 

but its only stress and burden on me to have him in my life right now..

 

if i tell him i want him to move out then he will only start yelling at me and throw things around and tell me to get out of the house....

 

i know this because this happend before. i feel like its all my fault..

 

i feel like it was the stupidest decision to move in with him...

 

he still has his luggage on the floor and never clean up anything around the house..

 

i really don't understand..how he could have no respect for the place we live together... seriously he never does dishes.. his clothes are all over the table and floor..and luggage with extra clothes are occupying most of the floor...

 

 

are all guys like that?

 

im dying of disappointment and frustration here...

 

please help me

[boogieboy]

Read this carefully. He is playing you. So you tell him first, "I am going to move out if you dont talk to me about this. Im dead serious, I want to work this out, but if you are not going to discuss this with me, Im leaving you"

 

If he says anything other than "ok lets talk" Then you go.

It might take him a couple weeks to realize he what hes done, but it sounds like its not going to work anyway.

[Female Tech]

A big yet simple fact to remember is... you can NOT change other people. You can only change yourself or your actions/reactions. Don't expect him to change. I agree, I feel you need to move out and give him space. If he loves you, he'll be back wanting what he misses. If he doesn't come back, then you are probably better off finding someone that WILL give you those things you want from a b/f. The only thing you can do is change the situation, by removing yourself from it ... and accept whatever comes of it! For every minute you spend in a BAD relationship you are losing a minute you could be out there finding a GOOD one if he does not want work at making this one a good one for you both.

[frustrated&sad]

First, I am so sorry for your pain.

 

Second, I agree with boogieboy and Female Tech.

 

It sounds to me like your BF is having committment issues and perhaps doesn't know how to articulate those feelings. While it might not seem like it, you are much better off moving out and seeing what happens--with or without him--than spending more time feeling unhappy. At the end of the day, you need to make yourself happy.

 

I can tell you from experience that the drinking with friends and getting upset with you afterwards is a big, red flag. I recently parted with my fiance, and he had similar issues. He would always break plans with me to get smashed with his friends. We would frequently fight when he had been drinking that night or the night before. Another red flag: rewriting history. It seems your BF erases events in his head, likely because he is ashamed and won't admit he made a mistake. This is a sign of immaturity. Being able to admit our faults/mistakes/etc. is a sign of maturity. I hate to say this, but my ex-fiance did the same thing. It was always my fault. You should not stand for this. If he loves you, he should respect your feelings.

 

It sounds like you also need to est. some boundaries with your BF. He should respect your livign space. With my ex-fiance, I did the majority of the housework. He left stuff all over our house. I cooked. I organized both our schedules. I never really minded until I realized that we both had full-time jobs and I was always tired. When I asked him to do more, he said sure, but never did. I wouldn't allow myself to accept that this bothered me. Now that we are no longer together after 3.5 years, I realize I should have listened to my gut. It seems to me that you are having some of the same fears that I had. I chose not to act on them. My advice to you: seriously consider moving out. You deserve to be happy. If your relationship is causing you stress and anxiety, that is not good. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are always right for you.

 

I hope all these posts help you. My heart goes out to you.

[kitkat22]

thanks so much for your concerns and opinions..

so this is what happened yesterday night...

he had work all during the day and i had work all during night so we finally met around 11 after my work , of course, in the house.

 

we had a serious talk about respecting this place we have and to do our responsibilities like cleaning the luggage and doing the dishes ..the day before.

 

i come home, first thing i notice...

still luggage and thirty something clothes on the floor ..

 

sink filled with dirty dishes...

and him on computer on the bed we share with chips...

he already knows how much i hate him eating on the bed

 

he told me about his work...tell me stuff for five minutes after saying hi..

 

goes straight back to the computer on the bed without looking back..

 

i begged him

 

"cmon..its sunday night play with me~" (i was being all sweet still)

 

after begging for another few times i realized that he was not saying a word to me and just completely ignoring me doing things on computer like watching a youtube video of a car...

 

i got so hurt i turned away from him went to a restroom..

 

then he comes after me trying to hug me and kiss me like nothing ever happend...without an apology..

 

i got so upset i told him all these things i felt at the moment

 

and he goes on about how im overeacting and what he did tonight doesn't deserve my reaction and how i dont want this relationship to work out..

 

that made me so upset..so typical of him to deny everything he does...

 

i didn't want to be in same bed with him but he wouldn't budge so i started to sleep onthe floor then i felt so frustrated. it shouldn't be this way. it shouldn't be this hard.

 

so i told him im done with him..

that i want him to move out today. and that we are over..

 

i hate him for making me feel this way..

 

i feel "not loved, not cared, not important" for him

 

this time...i really want to make him go away...

 

i know it will be so hard living without him...

 

but this anxiety and stress i go through everysingle moment with him..

 

i dont think its worth it..

 

please give your oinions on this..im so confused.

[frustrated&sad]

I think you are making the right decision. As much as it hurts, just remember that he is hurting you. If you are so unhappy, and he is so unwilling to meet you half way, then you need to move on. Perhaps he will get a swift kick in the pants and wake up. But maybe not. Just remember: actions speak louder than words. He might plead with you and say that he'll change, but chances are he won't.

 

Try to stay strong. One day you will realize that it took a lot of courage to do what you did. The pain will not away easily or soon, but do know that one day it will go away. I'm waiting for it to dull, too.

[paddington bear]

You're involved in this push - pull situation now. You come trying to be sweet to get his attention and he ignores it. But when you disappear off to the restroom, he's comes after you to get the attention that you've suddenly withdrawn.

 

You've tried to talk about your issues and it sounds to me like he always gets on the defensive 'yeah well you did this and you did that' instead of just being, well, normal and mature.

 

You've told him some of your issues, neatness etc. And maybe to him that feels like nagging, but then it's not fair either on you to live in a pigsty and pick up after him. If he wants to live in a mess and you don't and he's not willing to compromise a little bit on that, you have a problem.

 

I agree with the others, move out - it's not about the mess, him not tidying up etc. It's about him not listening to you about the messy apartment, about what you're upset about, about anything. This is a 'you no longer want to hear what I have to say about anything' issue.

 

So, off you go - moving out doesn't mean it's the end definitively, but he needs a wake up call and you need some time away from him to sort out your head. Tell him you need a couple of months of no contact whatsoever. It really does help - ok, so first you miss the person terribly, but after that their behaviour and yours becomes much clearer, without that actual person there muddying up your rational thinking by dredging up your emotions about them.

 

Put it this way. He is not the person he was. The person that you now live with is not the same as the one that you were dating. So don't deal with him with the love and respect you gave the person you were dating. Deal with him and his behaviour as it is now.

[kitkat22]

it breaks my heart to say break up words to him...

 

i really dont know what to do next...

 

i don't know how to move on...

 

he was such a huge part of my life for past few years...

 

it felt like i never lived a life without him..

 

what can i do to make him love me..

what can i do to make him care for me again..

 

like the days we dated and were so happy with each other

 

i dont know if i can do this..

 

please anyone help me?

[Koalla]

Kitkat22, please pay attention.

 

If he doesnt love you, there is nothing you can do to make him love you

 

But please, dont forget relationships are 2 way streets. All I am hearing is one side of the story. What would your bf have to say?

 

A lot of people get so caught up in what is happening to them, that they dont really pay attention to what they are doing to their partner as well.

 

You say he is rude and leaves messes around the house. Are you guilty of the same?

 

You say he says you complain a lot. Do you ever tell him he complains a lot?

 

You say he isnt excited to see you anymore, but how do you know this? Sometimes we read too much into situations.

 

etc etc etc...

 

If he does all the things you mentioned in this post to you, and you aren't guilty of doing them as well, then I would say, break up.

 

But if you take a deep look at yourself and find you are guilty of the same, how can you be mad at him?

 

The only advice I think you should take is: don't forget to look at yourself.

 

Maybe you are a sweet little kitten to him all the time... if thats true, then dump him.

 

But maybe you are guilty of the same things he is.

 

Try to look at the situation from an observers point of view... nobody else but you can do this.

 

Just my thoughts...

[frustrated&sad]

KitKat,

 

Sadly, people change. And sometimes, as much as it hurts, we are not privy to those changes, even if we are their lovers, wives, or partners.

 

You said the following: [it breaks my heart to say break up words to him...

i really dont know what to do next...

i don't know how to move on...

...

what can i do to make him love me..

what can i do to make him care for me again..]

 

Here are my two cents. YOU CAN'T make someone love you. Trust me and everyone else who has posted this. You can love them and hope they love you back. By trying to get him to love you, the reverse usually happens. He will begin to pull away. I've been through this recently with me fiance. He broke up with me out of the blue shortly before our wedding after we were together 3.5 yrs. With little explanation. All I wanted hat first week was to make him love me again. I kept wondering what made him stop. I hadn't changed, nothing crazy happened. If anything, I thought our life together had gotten more stable, exciting, and great. Apparently, he did not feel similarly. And then one day I realized: it's not me. It's him. I don't know what happened, I never will, but WHY would I want to be with someone that (a) would treat me like he did and (b) does not show thathe loves me? I deserve better. And guess what? SO DO YOU!!

 

YOU CAN move on without him. I say this after being alone for 5 weeks, 3 with no contact. It is traumatic and horrible at first. You can't escape the pain, and you shouldn't try. It's completely normal. But you slowly begin to heal. The no contact is very important, too. It is absolutely the most difficult part of this process, but it is the only way to start the grieving process and move one slowly. Contacting him after just makes the rollercoaster worse.

 

Friends and family are there for you. And most importantly, you are there for yourself. Love yourself enough to let go. Love him enough to let go, too. You deserve happiness. And as much as many of us wish that our partner would just realize how much we love him/her, we can't make them return it.

 

You can do it. Just take it one minute at a time. And know that life will go on and you'll learn a lot about yourself in the process. Koalla's post is a great way to help you think about yourself.

 

Stay strong, lady! We all feel for you.

[paddington bear]

KitKat,

 

Sadly, people change. And sometimes, as much as it hurts, we are not privy to those changes, even if we are their lovers, wives, or partners.

 

You said the following: [it breaks my heart to say break up words to him...

i really dont know what to do next...

i don't know how to move on...

...

what can i do to make him love me..

what can i do to make him care for me again..]

 

Here are my two cents. YOU CAN'T make someone love you. Trust me and everyone else who has posted this. You can love them and hope they love you back. By trying to get him to love you, the reverse usually happens. He will begin to pull away. I've been through this recently with me fiance. He broke up with me out of the blue shortly before our wedding after we were together 3.5 yrs. With little explanation. All I wanted hat first week was to make him love me again. I kept wondering what made him stop. I hadn't changed, nothing crazy happened. If anything, I thought our life together had gotten more stable, exciting, and great. Apparently, he did not feel similarly. And then one day I realized: it's not me. It's him. I don't know what happened, I never will, but WHY would I want to be with someone that (a) would treat me like he did and (b) does not show thathe loves me? I deserve better. And guess what? SO DO YOU!!

 

YOU CAN move on without him. I say this after being alone for 5 weeks, 3 with no contact. It is traumatic and horrible at first. You can't escape the pain, and you shouldn't try. It's completely normal. But you slowly begin to heal. The no contact is very important, too. It is absolutely the most difficult part of this process, but it is the only way to start the grieving process and move one slowly. Contacting him after just makes the rollercoaster worse.

 

Friends and family are there for you. And most importantly, you are there for yourself. Love yourself enough to let go. Love him enough to let go, too. You deserve happiness. And as much as many of us wish that our partner would just realize how much we love him/her, we can't make them return it.

 

You can do it. Just take it one minute at a time. And know that life will go on and you'll learn a lot about yourself in the process. Koalla's post is a great way to help you think about yourself.

 

Stay strong, lady! We all feel for you.

 

great post, and all true. I'm amazed that you've managed to be so strong after such a traumatic experience, and see it rationally even if your emotions are all over the place. You do deserve better, we all do. And my 2 cents worth. Bad as it feels now, how are you going to feel in 2 years when your life has changed totally? You will look back and think 'thank God I'm not with x otherwise I would never have met this other person who is so much better for me and doesn't cause me pain'.