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White girl, Pakistani guy....can it work?


desertsun09

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desertsun09

Hey,

 

I'm considering spending some time and maybe dating a guy that I've been friends with for about 6 months. I'm going through a serious breakup at the moment, so nothing serious is in the cards, but just wanted to ask if anyone has had experience dating someone out of their race?

 

This guy is British born Pakistani and I'm white American girl. I think he's gorgeous. I don't know anything about the cultural differences or problems that could arise from this as I'm just not educated enough in this area, so could someone shed some light?

 

Do you foresee major problems? He's not the arranged marriage type, but there's some weird issues with his mother going on and I do'nt think she'd approve. Is it seen as a step down for Pakistanis to be with a white woman? How do most people react? Are Pakistani guys generally respectful towards white woman when they are in a relationship with them?

 

So many questions....thanks for the help!

 

DS

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hoping2heal

If you're going through a breakup, you shouldn't be using this poor guy to rebound yourself through it. That isn't the right way to treat a friend, I'm sorry to inform you.

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Ruby Slippers

A good friend of mine (female) is from Pakistan and tells me that VERY VERY few Pakistani men will ever marry a white woman, because there is tremendous pressure from the family to marry a Pakistani woman. They will happily date and have sex with white women, and even wax poetic and dramatic about getting married in the future, but when it comes down to it, they almost always end up marrying a Pakistani woman. This friend has cousins (Pakistani, of course) who dated white women all their lives, got right to the point of proposing, but always broke it off because of pressure from the family. Every one of them ended up marrying a Pakistani woman.

 

Now, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I'm just letting you know what my friend told me. She IS the type to stereotype and generalize, but of course there is some truth within those generalizations. She told me this because a Greek man has recently shown interest in me, and since he has admitted his family has made it clear they want him to marry a Greek woman, she says it would be taking a big risk of wasting my time to even date this guy. She says certain cultures are like this, and Greek and Pakistani are two good examples of it.

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desertsun09

Religious differences? Yes; he is Muslim but very liberal. I am Catholic.

 

Thanks Ruby....that's exactly what I figured. Your friend is saying exactly what I had feared. He actually did say that his family wanted him to marry a Pakistani woman, but he could date whomever he chooses. I'm just not sure how great the pressure of his family would be in his life. I suppose its too early for such thoughts though.

 

I can see your point though. It's like, why waste time?

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Sweetcheripie

Eh I don't know if it would be wasting time if you are just dating. I wouldn't make any conclusions until you get to know him a little better.

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Based on my knowledge (after having worked with many British born Pakistanis), I have to say that Ruby is probably right. Whilst there will be exceptions, the cultural pressures and expectations are very strong and hard to fight.

 

I guess it really then depends on how far you want to take this.

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Ruby Slippers
I suppose its too early for such thoughts though.

 

I can see your point though. It's like, why waste time?

I don't think it's too early to think about it. It's smart to know the circumstances you're dealing with from the outset. Whether to pursue something with him is up to you, and more information can only help.

 

My (female) friend JUST married a white guy (last weekend, in fact), as did one of her sisters some years ago. But they are kind of the black sheep of the family. Their family has accepted their decisions, but they definitely project the idea that they are a little inferior to the siblings who married Pakistanis. It's so dumb, but that's the way it is. :o

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alpha wizard

Sounds like a lot of racism to me. I lived in Europe for half a year, England for 3 months. The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded, just not much into American culture. You cannot judge somebody by their skin color, and quite frankly, I was shocked at what I read here! :eek:

 

You need to see if he identifies himself more with the Pakistani's or the English, that is going to be a big indicator of the situation. :)

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Sounds like a lot of racism to me. I lived in Europe for half a year, England for 3 months. The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded, just not much into American culture. You cannot judge somebody by their skin color, and quite frankly, I was shocked at what I read here! :eek:

 

You need to see if he identifies himself more with the Pakistani's or the English, that is going to be a big indicator of the situation. :)

 

My post is based on living in England all my life and definitely not racist. Just experience.

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Ruby Slippers
Sounds like a lot of racism to me. I lived in Europe for half a year, England for 3 months. The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded, just not much into American culture. You cannot judge somebody by their skin color, and quite frankly, I was shocked at what I read here! :eek:

I've lived in three different countries, travelled to more than a dozen, and if anything, that has made me less naive about the sad truth of racism the world over.

 

Most people are trained to fear what is different from them. And many people do not have the strength to withstand the judgment that the world (and even their own families, in many, many cases) would cast upon them if they were part of an interracial couple. This is a fact. Just because I am talking about the facts does not mean I condone racism. In fact, I do not.

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The Brits are very sophisticated and open-minded,

throughout past history the British have been some of the most racist regimes known to man. They begat the US which was, and still, is racist. Look at S. Africa, look at India. All their colonies were racist based.

 

The British racism is much more covert than overt, which may be the difference that you're talking about.

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A good friend of mine (female) is from Pakistan and tells me that VERY VERY few Pakistani men will ever marry a white woman, because there is tremendous pressure from the family to marry a Pakistani woman. They will happily date and have sex with white women, and even wax poetic and dramatic about getting married in the future, but when it comes down to it, they almost always end up marrying a Pakistani woman.

 

I'm not sure if it was by you but I was once told something almost identical by someone on this site about my then bf, now fiance :rolleyes:

 

Truth is, it depends on how traditional he and his family are. We all have a cultural background somewhere, how tightly we stick to it varied from person to person and family to family.

 

One of my good friends is Pakistani, married to a white guy, her family approves, and is thrilled for her.

 

Don't ever let race or culture hold you back.

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He's not the arranged marriage type, but there's some weird issues with his mother going on and I don't think she'd approve
What weird issues?

 

Also, are his mother and father immigrants from Pakistan or were they born in Britain as well? In either case, do they appear to be 'traditional' in the following of Pakistani culture? Lastly, how old are you and he?

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Don't ever let race or culture hold you back.

interesting comment considereing you rarely see asian male-white female marriages. its almost always asian female-white male.

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interesting comment considereing you rarely see asian male-white female marriages. its almost always asian female-white male.

 

So that means that you should let race and culture hold you back?

 

Have you ever been to Silicon Valley? So many Asian/Indian men with white women.

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Ruby Slippers
Don't ever let race or culture hold you back.

I agree, and if you read the rest of my words here on the subject, you'll see that. I said be prepared for possible fallout. I did not say don't go for it. I said know the facts, and be prepared.

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It shouldn't be a problem. It's a generalization that mixed race relationships are any harder than others. In fact I would assume the rates of mixed relationships failing is no more (or even less) than non-mixed.

 

If his mother is old-school Pakistani, then yeah she may have a problem. It will never be a huge problem I do not think. More of a nagging him to find a nice Pakistani girl. You just need to try to get on her good side - learning a bit more about Pakistani culture would help.

 

My mother is from India and my father is American with a roots in Germany, England, and the Netherlands. It's a mixed marriage that has produced 3 kids and they couldn't be happier. There are no real cultural problems. If it ever comes up, it is slight and easy to learn. The thing I find interesting (which may pertain to your Pakistani mother issue) is that my mother is always (half jokingly) nagging me to marry an Indian. This is after her marriage...:p

 

Good luck.

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Have you ever been to Silicon Valley? So many Asian/Indian men with white women.

most of those guys are rich

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If you end up dating him and you meet his mother just eat everything she puts in front of you and like it :laugh:

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Ruby Slippers
Have you ever been to Silicon Valley? So many Asian/Indian men with white women.

Are they married? Or just dating and having sex?

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Are they married? Or just dating and having sex?

 

How would I know? I'm just saying it's common to see these couples.

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Ruby Slippers
How would I know? I'm just saying it's common to see these couples.

Drop the 'tude! I can see you are sensitive to this because you are engaged with someone of another ethnicity. Understandable. But I am on your side.

 

If you have no proof that those interracial couples are married, it does nothing to refute the point that all of us have made, which is that interracial marriage is a problem for many families -- not interracial dating. This growing acceptance of interracial dating is a good sign that we're evolving to where we need to be, which is intelligent enough to figure out that no race is superior to any other.

 

The Greek guy I mentioned told me that a family member said to him, "You can date or **** whomever you want. But you're marrying a Greek woman." He says he will marry the woman he falls in love with, no matter her ethnicity, but we'll see what happens when mom, dad, and the rich relatives threaten to take away all financial support and write him out of the will if he defies their wishes.

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  • 3 weeks later...

There are actually quite a few Pakistani guys that marry white women. I personally know two, and they are both going quite strong. I do think that Pakistani men are much more open about the inter-racial thing than Pakistani woman.

 

It really depends though on this guy's personal circumstances. If you are only interested in getting into a relationship that could at least possibly result in a long-lasting commitment, just try to gauge how traditional he himself or his family is. Is he someone that will always do as his parents say? Is he someone who participates in family and extended family get-togethers like all of the time (common in very traditional Indian, Pakistani, and Middle-Eastern families)? Or does he occasionally need his own personal space? What type of dynamic does he foresee in the future between himself, his future wife, and his future children? etc. The guys that are traditional and super-tight with their traditional parents will probably marry Pakistani or at the very least Muslim women based on their own outlook on married life and to also appease their parents.

 

You don't have to ask him all of this point blank right away. But if you do decide to pursue this just because you genuinely like spending time with him, then it's something that you can try get him to open up about gradually if things ever become serious.

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