Can physical attraction develop over time? help!

[Just A Girl2]

Okay so I've been dating this guy for nearly a month now. Taking things extremely slow at my request because I'm just too old to rush into things (LOL).

 

He's a really nice, thoughtful, kind man. Has a lot going for himself. He's super. but......... I'm not all that physically attracted to him.

 

He's a really touchy-feely kind of person, very affectionate. It gets on my nerves and I'd thought that it was because he was just 'too touchy feely compared to me', but I'm starting to think it's really because of the physical attraction aspect. I'm thinking that if he was someone I was VERY attracted to, that I'd love the affection.

 

He looks like a younger Ernest Borgnine. Really big, intense sort of buggy eyes....and very expressive. When he leaves my house, it's not just a simple kiss goodnight, it's got to be a big production that takes 15 minutes of hugging, then kissing, then hugging, then kissing.

 

He's the nicest guy I've met in years and I've dated some really gorgeous guys over the years who turned out to be dogs.....so the logical/common sense side of me says that because he's such a good man, I should just let the attraction build over time. Does that sound unrealistic?

 

I've heard of people who dated or becames friends with someone they weren't attracted to, physically...but over time, they DID develop an attraction...right?

 

I don't want to waste his time, or mine.....and I don't want to end up hurting his feelings by letting this go for months if I never do develop enough attraction.......but I don't want to let such a great guy get away..all for something as semi-superficial as looks. He treats me with such respect and kindness and I now realize that it's sincere (not just a guy trying to get into my pants).

 

I've never had this problem before. I don't want to write someone off just because they don't curl my toes when I look at them, but do I want to spend possibly the rest of my life with someone who reminds me of Ernest Borgnine? LOL

 

PS...Tony: he's not been back to that personals site since Jan 10th and he did not answer that 'bogus' email I sent him, so that's all good.

[Unclescam777]

Lol, I'm sorry but this topic reminded me of when i first met my girlfriend. She wasn't physically attracted to me but in time my sweetness(and the fact that i didnt just want to get in her pants) allowed me to grow on her. Now its 2 years later and she cant keep her hands off of me. So yeah, I can honestly say physical attraction can develop over time as long as the person has a good heart and treats you right. Sooner or later your subconsious(sp) mind will kick in and say "Hey, this guy is so wonderful....and hmm, i guess he is kinda cute". Then the more you look at him the more positive things you'll see in him. Love does strange things to people, so if he is good enough to you to make you love him in time, then yeah you'll become attracted to him. Just open your mind and heart to him and if he treats you right you'll soon love him physically too.

 

Also, you could possibly help him a bit. Suggest, not demand, suggest a new hair style, some new clothes, a piercing maybe(if you are into that), etc. Don;t just come out and say "hey you need a new haircut" because it will hurt him, but try something like "I think you'd look sexy with your hair like this", then show him. This applys to anything you want to change about him, not just hair. Just be gentle....girls these days are way too harsh, i dont know when it entered their minds that men don't have feelings but they do, just as much as anyone else.

[jamieileana]

when i met my boyfriend i was not at all attracted to him in any physical way.

 

he was a friend of my daughters at first, then i met him through him at a local bar.

 

he is the exact same height as i am and i did not like that at all.

he had pointed looking ears too.

 

but one night we slow danced and he had the most comforting hold on me.

 

he did persist after that for a very long time without dating him.

it just started as a friendship too as he knew i was trying to end a bad relationship with another guy.

 

now days when i look at him, i think he is just gorgeous. i think about how i use to feel about him, and i tell my self that he still looks the same, but only in my eyes now does he look different.

 

so yes in time he will start to look better. but you know the old sayings, beauty is only skin deep.

 

if he treats you right and respects you and like's pets (lol) then why not give him a fair chance.?

 

a friend of a friend that i use to know years ago, went off looking for the ugliest man she could find that would treat her right so she would not have to worry about being cheated on.

 

after ten years of marriage HE left HER for another woman.

i say if he treats you good, and you can get use to his looks then you find happiness IF you really are that old. LOl.

[Tony T]

Yes, it is absolutely possible for you to develop a physical attraction to this man over time. As a matter of fact, he will probably become more attractive each time you see him.

 

However, there are no guarantees. While there's a very good chance that because he is such a nice person that attraction could come, there is also a chance it won't. Physical attraction is an unexplicable component of a relationship and there's no clear way we can ever know if that will happen instantly or develop over time.

 

If it does develop over time, it will be much stronger than that which happens instantly.

 

Good luck. I think you ought to stick this out for a while...you have to determine just how long. And don't force it. Let it happen naturally if it's going to happen.

[clia]

I've heard of people who dated or becames friends with someone they weren't attracted to, physically...but over time, they DID develop an attraction...right?

 

This happened to me with my ex.

 

I was not attracted to him AT ALL when I met him. He wasn't bad looking by any means, just not my usual type. He was kind of overweight and had a total baby face and very little body hair. Ew.

 

I was terrified to kiss him the first time because I was afraid I would be so turned off! Guess what? I WAS! LOL. I didn't know what to do! I put off kissing him as long as I could!

 

But I really liked his personality, so I kept seeing him. And he was so persistent. He called me all the time and always wanted to see me, which was nice, so I kept seeing him. He pursued like no man I have ever met, so I figured what the heck.

 

And lo and behold, about four months in, I found myself really attracted to him. (I think it was more that I really liked *him*, and that made him all the more attractive to me.) I was daydreaming about him and getting all googly and stuff. The kissing got better, and I really, really fell for him.

 

Then four months later he admitted to being commitment phobic. Ugly bastard.

 

I think it's more normal for girls to do this, since I think we tend to fall less for the visual and more for the personality, and a great personality really goes a long way. Definitely give this guy a chance. If you really like him, you may find him more attractive as time goes by.

[Just A Girl2]

Thanks to all who responded.

 

I'd discussed this topic with my sister, and she sort of got on my case and said the opposite of what you've all said..that if I'm not attracted to him now, I never will be. I didn't really agree.

 

Clia, what you shared was most interesting.....I can relate, especially to the "kissing" part. LOL This is a very affectionate guy who is constantly asking me for a kiss and I actually have to close my eyes when I do because it's just hard kissing someone I'm not really attracted to. I feel bad almost because he is very smitten with me and is always letting me know this.

 

I sometimes find myself being a little distant and aloof and not very affectionate back and I guess I've been dishonest as to WHY I'm like this...explaining to him that I'm like this because I "want to take things slow" (when in fact, it's mostly that I'm not real attracted to his looks, face mostly).

 

I think if he would back off and give me some space and not always want to be cuddling and hugging and sitting side by side and him always begging for a kiss, it would help.......but when you add feeling smothered, sometimes, to someone you're not totally attracted to, it's a double whammy. Sort of reminds me how I felt in high school when one of the biggest geekiest, freakiest looking dudes had a crush on me and he was always chasing me and being overly sweet and trying to impress me, it was just a huge turn off. You know?

 

When he leaves my house and I'm standing at the front door saying goodbye to him, it's not just a simple kiss and he leaves..he's rather clingy and insists that I make eye contact with him and he wants to kiss and kiss, then hug, then kiss....it's a 15 minute production where inside, I just wish he'd get the hell out. But i know he's a good guy with many great qualities and I'm hoping in time that I'm attracted to him more.......his constant need for closeness and neediness in that way, his inability to sit on the couch beside me without begging me to lay beside me.....it's all wearing pretty thin and I try to explain this all to him, that it's overwhelming and he says he understands but his actions show otherwise. Like last night he was lying on the couch with me, had his head on MY chest. It felt weird. Isn't in the gal who lies on the GUY'S chest?

 

To be truthful, until I feel more attracted, I'd prefer it that when he came over to visit and we're watching TV or whatever, that he just sit by himself.....is that too much to ask? Must we constantly be lying together and all wrapped up? It drives me nuts because I feel that I'm only doing it to appease him, and then THAT bugs me because it sends him the msg that I enjoy being all cuddly and lovey dovey but in fact, I'm cringing inside. It's just really HARD to be this way with someone I don't feel a strong physical attraction to. But I obviously can't tell him that. It's tough.

[clia]

I think you are more unattracted to his neediness, clinginess, and touchiness than you are to his physical looks.

 

My ex wasn't real touchy feely, so I didn't feel all that pressure. (If I would've, I would've felt the same way you do now!) He did like to kiss me, even when I didn't like to kiss him, so I would always cut it short and tell him I needed my beauty sleep. (Then of course later, I wanted those kisses to go on and on and on...)

 

I'm personally not a real touchy feely kind of person. I'm just not. Maybe you are, too? I wouldn't be attracted to a guy who was octopus man. I never have been, never will be. I have had to ditch these types of guys in the past.

 

Don't force yourself to like this guy. It sounds like there is more to it than just the physical attraction factor. Are you really compatible? (You know the groping factor will only get worse the closer you get if this is how he is now!)

[Bizzit]

I never was attracted to looks in a person.. I guess because of my life and the way I was raised. When I met the man Im in love with the out side never matterd to me at all. I dont care what others think of him or me for being with him. Attraction is more then skin deep. Someone to share your life with or just be around that can bring a smile to your face or a long hug when your in need dont have to have a tom cruze in looks to make me happy as long as im happy inside. You have to do what will make you happy:)

[bebop]

I am physically attracted to a guy, I get on great with him etc

 

He wants me but I cannot even imagine kissing him. I do not 'want' him.

 

So, its quite possible there is something about him not related to his looks that is stopping you from feeling attracted to him.

 

Just a different perspective to the situation that might help.

 

Just because someone is nice doesn't mean he is 'the one'.

[Just A Girl2]

Yep, I'm thinking a lot of it has to do with his pushiness and clinginess and needing to constantly hug and begging me for kisses and me feeling annoyed and smothered. Maybe it's not all that much the physical attraction thing? It's hard to be attracted to someone when they can't keep their hands off you and every time you turn around, their right in your face (literally), suckily begging for a freaking kiss. It comes across to me as someone who's ?insecure or in constantly need of validation or reassurance that I like them. To me, it comes across as a type of 'weakness' and I like a man who's strong and a bit more of a challenge.

 

I've discussed this issue with him a few times, and he admits to getting it "at the time" but then when we're next together and he's suckily begging for a kiss the minute he walks through my front door (I get my back up right away), I get annoyed. He attributes part of the way he is to having been in a 10 yr relationship that ended only 2 yrs ago....and all that affection/cuddliness/kissy/huggy stuff being very commonplace. That's fine but he's now with me and we've only been together a month and only see each other once a week (on the weekend).....what "we" have and the stage we're at is a drop in the bucket compared to his past long term relationship so he shouldn't expect things to be as they were then, now.

 

I feel much more 'connected' to him when we're together and he's not sitting on top of me and begging to be snuggled. He seems so preoccupied with all that...like maybe he needs to be a constant human pretzel in order to feel assured that I like him.

 

If he'd just back off and let me have some breathing room, maybe I'd become more physically attracted to him....but at this time, I don't even like "long kisses".....I just don't feel "into it" and try to avoid them as much as possible.

[Ally Boo]

Haven't you ever known a really beautiful person...and then get to know them, and then suddenly their beauty diminishes? It's because who they are as a person really will make them either more beautiful or more ugly. It's just a general rule.

 

Your sister doesn't know what she's talking about...sorry.

[HokeyReligions]

What attracted you to him in the first place? What was it about him that made you accept the first and second date?