Mixed signals

[chev mal fet]

For those without the time to read the following wall of text, here is a short version:

 

I've been talking to a girl online and on the phone for a while, and we've met in person three times. On the phone, there is a lot of flirtation and innuendo, but when we meet she decides that she wants to be "just friends." After the meeting, the flirtation gradually builds again until we meet again, at which point the same thing happens - "just friends." This has happened three times, and I am going to meet her again soon, so I fear that there will be a fourth.

 

 

Now, for the long version:

 

I began talking to a girl in November. She is the college roommate of my former roommate's former girlfriend. (You got all that?) She is 18 (19 next month) and is between her freshman and sophomore years at school, and I am 21 and graduated in December. Both my roommate and his then-girlfriend thought that this girl and I would be very compatible, and so we were urged to talk to each other online and immediately hit it off.

 

We talked through messages and IM for a month or so, and things were going very well. We were flirtatious, intimate, forthcoming, and enthusiastic. Our conversations lasted until all hours of the morning, often at the expense of our daily lives, but I think we mutually and tacitly agreed that it was worth such a sacrifice.

 

Finally, we got a chance to meet in person when the girl and my roommate's girlfriend came to a party at our house. I was desperately nervous and very shy, which made things somewhat awkward, but over the course of the night it got a bit better. In the morning, though, she and her roommate left early, and she offered little more than a friendly "see ya later." In the aftermath, I learned that she was quite impressed by me when we'd been talking online, but she just didn't feel any chemistry in person.

 

I was hurt, but it had only been a month or two, so I figured that I didn't have much invested in the relationship anyway. The girl and I kept talking, but it was more friendly and less flirtatious.

 

As the weeks passed, things began to build up again. We would talk on the phone four or five nights a week, for hours at a time. It became blatantly flirtatious again, and while I do not have the best sense for girls' signals, I think I would have to be blind to not have seen that she was again showing interest. I got a chance to see her in person again when she was cast in a play at her school. I went to her school for the afternoon, hung out with her and her roommate, saw the play, slept on the floor of their room that night, etc. It was less awkward than our first meeting, but it was still not completely comfortable, I assume because virtually all of our interaction to this point had been online and over the phone.

 

I had high hopes for how the day went, but over the next few days I gleaned, from this girl and from her roommate, that the verdict was the same as the first time: she thinks I'm great and is very interested, but suddenly decided that there's no chemistry when we met in person.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat: we talk for several weeks, carefully and platonically at first, but becoming more flirtatious and romantic as time passes. She repeatedly hints, often quite strongly, that she would like to be asked on a formal date (as opposed to "hanging out," which is all we had done prior). I ask her out, and she is very excited about it. The night comes, and my plans work beautifully: I surprise her by taking her ice skating (which she had mentioned months ago and was impressed that I remembered), then to dinner (at a restaurant I picked based on what I knew of her taste - again, it impresses her), then ice cream, a stroll through the city, and I walk her home. It was incredible. She was all smiles and compliments the whole night, and didn't have a bad thing to say.

 

I get home, and soon learn that the verdict is the same: it was a great time and she had a ton of fun, but she just wants to be friends.

 

That was several weeks ago, and it's been the same cycle yet again: at first, our conversations became sporadic and superficial. As time passed, they became more frequent and intense. Over the past week, we have talked every night, and have had three conversations of longer than three hours; on two occasions, we talked for five hours and I went to work the next day on only a couple hours of sleep. Our conversation topics range from the superficial - "How was your day?" - to intense, intimate, and revealing discussions of our dreams, our fears, our pasts, and other such topics. I warn again that I am no expert on the female mind, but only an idiot would not recognize that the way she talks to me, and the things we talk about, and the times we talk, and everything else about our relationship are all more than what "just a friend" should expect.

 

I will see her in person again soon. She lives about three hours from me, but her school is only an hour and a half away, and she'll be at school for rehearsals for a play that will take place later this summer. I did not volunteer to visit her when she was in town for one of these rehearsals - rather, she brought it up and repeatedly mentioned it until I got the hint and agreed that we should meet. I am desperately afraid that this next meeting will be more of the same: innuendo and flirtation until the day of the meeting, followed by heartbreak and letdown for some unclear reason, only for the cycle to begin anew.

 

So, what is this girl's problem? Is it a simply a matter of immaturity? Her behavior, morals, thoughts, and values are all very mature for her age - that's the main thing that attracts me to her - but she is still just 18. (Not that I am a grown man myself at just 21, but I modestly declare that I am quite adult for my age.) Is it something that I do wrong every time I see her? I am incredibly respectful, gentlemanly, polite, and chivalrous, almost to a fault. When we talk on the phone, she has nothing but nice things to say to me, often verging on the ludicrous ("You are perfect and have literally no flaws"). Why does she say she wants to be "just friends," but gives every signal to the contrary? I know for certain that there is no "other guy" that may be complicating things, in case that's your first thought.

 

Forgive me for this enormous dissertation, but thank you for reading, and I look forward to any comments. I'm happy to answer any questions that may clarify the situation.

[boogieboy]

She probably sees you in person and just doesnt like what she sees. The problem with what you did was that now she associates that great talk of yours on the phone, so you ruined it for yourself in person. You talked too much in IM! You werent supposed to wait a month to see her. A week at the most. You have to strike while the irons hot!

 

After that, she just used you to give her attention. she knew after your first meeting that she would never like you, but since she has low self esteem,, she knew she could control you, and it boosts her ego to do so.

 

Stop letting her use you and cut her loose.

 

Mind you, I dont know what you might have said in person to turn her off, you could have come across as not confident, cocky or funny in your first meeting. IF you did, that REALLY ruined it for you.

[SoulSearch_CO]

I'm going to guess that she likes the "idea" of you, but maybe your looks, unconscious mannerisms (body language, how you walk, how you eat)...something just doesn't quite click for her. My first BF was cute. I didn't have a problem hanging out around him. But he was a little awkward in his social cues and waved his hands an insane amount when talking. I mean, I talk with my hands, but I thought he was going to fly away, or something. LOL It was a turn-off.

 

So it might not even be a guy's looks alone - it could be like I said, his mannerisms. Some weird quirk that just bothers me and turns me off.

[Island Girl]

After that, she just used you to give her attention. she knew after your first meeting that she would never like you, but since she has low self esteem,, she knew she could control you, and it boosts her ego to do so.

 

Stop letting her use you and cut her loose.

 

Absolutely true.

 

Stop wasting your time because all you'll ever be is an friend.

 

 

So it might not even be a guy's looks alone - it could be like I said, his mannerisms. Some weird quirk that just bothers me and turns me off.

 

This is so true as well.

 

OP I am sure you know girls you just aren't attracted to for whatever reason. It is the same thing.

 

When you are chatting or you are just a voice on the phone, well, it is easy to get caught up in the idea of it

all.

 

But in person she just isn't attracted to you. Move on and find someone who is.

[chev mal fet]

Fair enough. I would much prefer to continue to live in denial, as it were, and to continue imagining that there is some tiny hope of a future with this girl, but I suppose you've just confirmed what I already knew well enough. Thanks for replying, all.