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Battling My Insecurity, and its effect on my relationship


mr.dream merchant

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mr.dream merchant

Some of you may know, I have a certain insecurity when it comes to giving my heart to that special someone. For over a year, there have been on and off fights between my GF and I due to my seemingly invincible fear of being played for a sucker. Yes its insecurity, but that's the source of it. I don't want to be played. I don't want my pride to take another hit. And I'm so scared of it that I put a wall up. This wall prevents, sometimes, my GF from getting close to me. Accompanying that wall is what I like to think of as surprise attacks by my insecurity. I see something that triggers it. A guy that's my GF's type. A car she likes with a decent looking male driving it. A song she likes by a certain artist who happens to be good looking. All of these things trigger my fear of being replaced.

 

I guess its because I feel like she could do so much better than me. She's beautiful. Great head on her shoulders, very loving, very big heart. And then there's me. College kid, good looking, nice smile, decent job. To myself, I'm average - and she's amazing. But this causes me to feel like, I'm just here for filler, like I'm it untill she finds Mr. Right. This IS my insecurity. That I am not good enough for her. It causes so many fights, it causes me so much stress as well as her. And its becoming a problem.

 

I used to shrug it off, "Meh I'll get over it in time". Yesterday my GF dropped a bomb on me. She told me that my insecurity is pushing her away. She's starting to feel as if I don't love her because of my lack of faith in her staying true to me. She said that she feels its time I find myself, and learn how to love myself because I can't love her if I don't love myself. And she's absolutely right.

 

Problem is, during this time of my soul searching, I'm going to be, of course, insecure about what she's doing. It all comes back to me. I see older guys who have careers, who have their lives on track and I ask myself "why me? what does she see in a kid 2 years younger than her still struggling through school?" It really shakes my trust in her.

 

I took so much time worrying and wondering why she's with me that I forgot to pay attention to all the important things like the fun she has when's she's with me, her eagerness to fix problems in our relationship, eagerness to please me, and lots more. If she really didn't want to be with me she would've been left. Or if she was just an opportunist she would've already screwed around on me.

 

So now here I sit, with a GF who's losing love for me because of my lack of trust in her, and lack of confidence in myself, and I don't know where to begin on fixing things. I don't know if its too late to fix things and that her and I should just part ways. Or if I should try to fix things while staying with her. All I do know is that I need to be comfortable with who I am and things about me that are so much more than the superficial. But where do I start is the question.

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You could do things you love. Enjoy yourself, learn new things, focus on what will make you feel good. That might help. I know how you feel. I get alot of doubts myself but if you have dreams or goals that will make you happy think of those things and work towards them.

 

I hope things work out for you! Try and focus on yourself a bit and including your gf too in some things.

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You could try reading some ebooks on self esteem. I read "double you dating" and theres alot of stuff in there about the basics of dating dynamics and psychology that makes you understand what attracts women to you. That way you know what turns them off, and youre confident because you dont do it. You also learn what turns them on, and you learn how to make her even happier. Besides that, #1 rule, if youre gonna be insecure, dont let HER see it.

 

What you also might want to do is picture her leaving you. (that way you can fix the problem before she asks for a break) Then you can put yourself in a frame of mind of "i was insecure for nothing, and I could have been fine if I wasnt so paranoid". try to force hidsight before the disaster happens.

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start-fresh

Insecurities are a funny thing. It's easy to be hard on yourself for feeling this way because you can see it sabotaging your relationship. One thing to consider, though, is what's causing them? If you have insecurities with all women you date, that's your problem. But, if one person in particular consistently makes you feel insecure, that's probably a sign of some deeper incompatibility that's coming to the surface.

 

I'm sure plenty of people can chime in with success stories of overcoming insecurities, but every time I've felt this insecure this consistently with someone, it just hasn't ever worked out. Other times I've never felt these insecurities. This is just something to consider.

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mr.dream merchant

Well she told me that she needs space last night. She said that seeing my face, hearing my voice, or seeing me in person would make it harder. Later last night I asked her what it is she really wants and she told me its over. I hate to say it but I cried my eyes out in the privacy of my bedroom. I never thought it would end like this. She's pretty much going NC right now. I've texted her asking if we could talk things through a little more because I feel so confused and still waiting for that final answer you know? Like a "this can't be it" feeling. I don't understand it. When I saw her two days ago we were talking about it and we agreed to work through it. Then yesterday she didn't contact me all day, and when she finally did she said that she wanted to end things. That left me with so many questions because it seemed so unlike her to do that. I felt like maybe her friend at work convinced her, or that maybe she wants to date other people or possibly could be another guy in her life. It doesn't even matter anymore, she doesn't want to be with me, and it hurts more than anything.

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Ruby Slippers

No one is better than anyone else. Whatever you feel insecure about (looks, education, intelligence, charm, etc.), know that there is something about you to counterbalance anything your partner might have to offer. Anytime you feel inferior or superior to anyone, that's your ego talking -- it's not any reflection of reality.

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GorillaTheater

Having read most of your prior posts about your relationship, she did you a favor. A big favor, even though I know it doesn't seem like it right now. Give yourself time to grieve, then spend some time on a little self-examination with two goals: improving yourself (we ALL need at least some of that), and figuring out what you do and don't want in a future relationship.

 

Sorry for your pain, man.

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Well she told me that she needs space last night. She said that seeing my face, hearing my voice, or seeing me in person would make it harder. Later last night I asked her what it is she really wants and she told me its over. I hate to say it but I cried my eyes out in the privacy of my bedroom. I never thought it would end like this. She's pretty much going NC right now. I've texted her asking if we could talk things through a little more because I feel so confused and still waiting for that final answer you know? Like a "this can't be it" feeling. I don't understand it. When I saw her two days ago we were talking about it and we agreed to work through it. Then yesterday she didn't contact me all day, and when she finally did she said that she wanted to end things. That left me with so many questions because it seemed so unlike her to do that. I felt like maybe her friend at work convinced her, or that maybe she wants to date other people or possibly could be another guy in her life. It doesn't even matter anymore, she doesn't want to be with me, and it hurts more than anything.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this MrDM. I also feel for her pain, having been in her position in the past. It is exhausting loving someone who's looking for signs that you shouldn't be trusted.

 

I wish I did have words of advice... It seems to me like you're already doing a lot of work in your original post. You recognize that your insecurities are getting in the way of you building a loving and trusting relationship. You also seem ready to recognize that there are women out there who will be worthy of your love and trust.

 

As to doubting yourself... I get that in a personal level. I think the "why do they love me?" devil creep up for everybody. I've learned to dismiss that voice and accept the love. That does involve trusting that my bf is genuine and telling the truth. And you know what? It's so much easier to trust that he wants a good healthy relationship as much as I do then it is to always be on my gard about what his actions mean. I also have learned, in the process, to have faith that I can trust MYSELF to walk away if things don't work out the way I want.

 

And as to players... Personnally I believe the only person they are hurting are themselves. the way I see it, if someone betrays my trust, the joke is on them, not me. They're the ones throwing away something beautiful for their own selfish reasons. Sure, it would hurt, but we all know we're all better off without players.

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Trialbyfire
I also have learned, in the process, to have faith that I can trust MYSELF
That's the crux of insecurity. Do you trust your own instincts/judgements?

 

mr.dream merchant, strong relationships are built on love, trust, respect and like. If you find someone you don't trust, regardless if they're trustworthy or not, it's not going to work. A relationship built on "proof of trust" is impossible.

 

I'm sad for you, that you're hurting deeply. :(

 

I do hope you don't allow pride and ego to dominate self-auditing. Cynicism and bitterness, when it comes to relationships and softer emotions, does no one any good.

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I have some questions:

 

Was there any time she would make you feel insecure? Did she tell you, oh that guy is attractive or anything which made it seem like she could do better?

 

Did it ever seem like she was "invested" in the relationship?

 

Were you constantly asking her where she was or who she was with?

 

I just have to see some of the dynamics of the relationship.

 

I understand your putting the blame on yourself here but i want to see what you have to say to these questions.

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This is one of the main reasons my ex and I split. She did not/does not love herself, and was CONSTANTLY worrying what I thought about the things she did, which comes from the insecurity. She did mention that both of her previous boyfriends cheated on her, so it has to come from that. If we were alone and I went quiet for a few seconds, she'd almost always ask "what are you thinking about?", in like a semi-worried tone. I'd almost always respond with "quit worrying, if there's something I need to say, I'll say it". She was always so concerned what I thought of her, that she drove herself (and me to some extent) insane. I'm one of the least-judgmental people out there, and she knows it but STILL her insecurity trumps that.

 

To her credit, she made the right move to split up. She was an absolute wreck, but when she couldn't explain why she wanted to break up, and I said: "you don't love yourself; my job is not to make you happy, you have to do that for yourself.", her reaction was that of complete acceptance. She has kept in semi-frequent contact with me and I can tell she's making an effort but she has a lot of work left.

 

I don't think you can get rid of the insecurity while you're still dating her. I think a huge step to being less insecure is to LET GO of her. I can almost guarantee you will always be insecure in that relationship unless you go on your own and fix it.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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mr.dream merchant

Well two and a half weeks later its been over and done with. I never thought I'd say and I'm sure a couple enemies I've made here with nail me to the wall for it, but I miss her alot. The tears stopped, I just can't shed anymore. The heartache isn't there anymore. I had a couple dreams of her, both consisting of me pursuing her while she fled in tears.

 

This breakup, and learning to let go of her, has really put a stop to the insecurities. I guess now that I don't have her in my life anymore, all I can do is trust that she's doing what's best for her you know? Sometimes I get those what if questions. "What if she's at the club messing around with a guy? What if she's already got another man? What if she doesn't miss me?" And instantly I kill those thoughts with the GF I knew. I knew her better than anyone else for the 13 months we were together, and I know that none of those questions are a reality, just insecurity. I'm pretty sure she misses me a lot, and I'm pretty sure that she isn't going to have anything to do with guys for a while. Not that it makes me happy for her to do so, but it makes me happy to think it is so because it shows how small my insecurity has become compared to how big it was when I was with her.

 

I'm not going to lie, if she comes back I'd gladly take her back with open arms. I wouldn't ask her about anything during our break, because it wouldn't matter. All the small things I used to preach on this website, about hoes this and that, sluts, whores...I just feel dumb now. Things like that truely do not matter if that special someone you share happiness with makes you happy. The only way I could see the past being in question is for health purposes ie. STD's.

 

Learning to let go has really taught me alot, and I'm only in the beginning of this breakup. It's been 2 and a half weeks but I'm only on day 5 of no contact. I've been getting out doing alot of my own things now, spending lots of time with friends and family. I'm actually eating and sleeping again, lol thank god. I still have hopes that one day she'll contact me just to say what's up, but I'm not holding my breath. The reality of my situation is that she and I are over by her decision. So the ball is in her court, and it will probably stay there. I figured I'll give it a month or two before I contact her again, just to see what's up and how she's been, maybe see if we can reconcile. The way I look at it is this, by then 3 things will have happened:

 

1. She will have already contacted me

 

2. I will have contacted her

 

3. I will have come to the realization that I'm happier without her.

 

I'm happy right now. I miss her alot. But I'm happy. I've learned that your partner shouldn't complete you but they should compliment you. I just hope that she uses this time to better herself as well. She had some pretty bad insecurity problems as well as communication and trust issues.

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Way to go! You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself. Just some advice; don't cling to ANY hope of reconciling. I'm not saying it can't happen, I've just found that clinging to hope in this situation is not a good idea.

 

You're right, the ball is in her court. She will contact you again soon too - but this doesn't mean she wants to try it again. She's either doing it to relieve guilt or she's genuinely concerned for your wellbeing. That's when you need to figure out of it's too painful to hear from her; and perhaps ask her to leave you alone for awhile. But it seems like you're going to be just fine. Keep yourself busy like you've been doing!

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mr.dream merchant
I have some questions:

 

Was there any time she would make you feel insecure? Did she tell you, oh that guy is attractive or anything which made it seem like she could do better?

 

Did it ever seem like she was "invested" in the relationship?

 

Were you constantly asking her where she was or who she was with?

 

I just have to see some of the dynamics of the relationship.

 

I understand your putting the blame on yourself here but i want to see what you have to say to these questions.

 

Sorry for leaving these questions unanswered for so long. I've been..vacant..so to speak for the last two weeks.

 

 

Yes, at times she seemed pretty invested in our relationship. Other times, not so much. Sometimes she'd do this little sound she does when she thinks a guy is cute, but that was only when we were watching a movie or TV. I never constantly asked her where she was at or who she was with. I have before but it was more along the lines of asking her who's tagging along when she told me where she was going.

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