Jump to content

20 something versus 30 something gap??


CalHorn

Recommended Posts

Me, single male late 30s (raised in the South but liberal). Girl, single female in late 20s (California girl (liberal)).

 

First coffee was up in the city, it ended up being a 7 hour talkfest where we bounced from pizza to coffee to dinner while talking about triathlons, family, opera, politics etc.. She drove me back to my car and got caught in a turn lane so I had to jump out quickly. She then e-mailed me that night to apologize about that and we ended up setting up two dates for the weekend.

 

1st date, I drove up to the city, picked her up, went to an opera dress rehearsal, had dinner and drinks. It lasted 11 hours. She said her studio was a mess so I dropped her off and we shared a tight cheek to cheek hug in the car.

 

2nd date, she drove down to my town, we did a 20 mile bike ride around 5pm, went swimming for an hour, I took her to dinner, we had gelato, walked back to my place, did some swing dance moves at a fountain, ended up talking to 1am. Walked her back to her car, we exchanged two kisses and I asked her to come down the next weekend when my roommate was out of town.

 

I email her the 5 courses I was planning on and stated that the 6th course would be a nice long makeout session on my Danish loveseat :cool:.

 

3rd date, she drives down at 4:30 pm. Brings a bottle of wine and a bottle of champagne. I cook a 5 course meal with her watching from the dining table. We had two french kissing makeout sessions while I'm cooking the 3rd course. We have a serious talk about relationships (how we're both in dating mode) and then we proceed to have a makeout sessions in the pool, the hot tub, both loveseats, etc. Get to second base, do a bit of grinding and she asks if I'll be more comfortable upstairs. To be perfectly frank, I actually enjoy foreplay and slowly discovering a woman's body. I hadn't planned on going all the way since I have this "archaic" view of perhaps proceeding slowly with a woman that I see long term potential with (I also had been up at 5 am for a race that morning which meant I was more than slightly tired). So I told her that we were doing fine and we keep on making out, we stopped and had a long talk while we were both playing/examining each others' back and legs. She headed home around 2:30 (since I had to be in at work at 8am).

 

I shoot her an e-mail Monday at work to see if she got home OK. She doesn't respond till today and states that even though we get along fabulously, she doesn't see any long-term potential since she's uncomfortable with the fact that I never had any super long relationships or had my heart broken before.

 

I feel that's the cover story and I'm really kicking myself for not sleeping with her and making her stay over.

 

But I guess I'm asking the women here if that's the real issue. Other facts of note: She has had bad break-ups in her past. I didn't explicitly inquire but they tangentially appeared in our talks. She did tell me (on the 1st date) that she loved sex (which actually threw me off a bit).

 

One of my friends said that the younger generation treats sex really casually and that by not being "fast" enough that I've put myself outside the norm of her "familiar" relationships (think that was from some talk on NPR) and that by going slower I'm stressing her out.

 

Just a bit sad because all the signs seemed to be pointing to real good chemistry.....and I'm not quite sure how to respond either. I called her, got her voicemail and left a message saying I was relieved that she was ok, was quite sad about her e-mail and that I'll ring her up tonight or tomorrow to talk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO

Huh. I don't know. I'm 29 and I tend to agree with you - sex too soon can spoil things. Not ALWAYS...but it does tend to have that effect.

 

I'm going to take a wild shot in the dark and say that she was probably put off at being rejected. She offered up sex to you and you shot her down. Somewhere there, she feels she isn't enough. So I don't think her reasons hold water. I think she felt really rejected. I don't know if you can get her to talk this out with you so you guys can figure this out. But I kind of figure if somebody can't communicate about something so simple, what's the point of trying a relationship with said person? It's just going to be like pulling teeth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Try being cool and giving it a week--sometimes I have women do this freakout thing or something where they back out like that. I almost think it's an unconscious test on their parts. She may come back. If she doesn't--well you are probably better off anyway.

 

Scott

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hand in your man-card, bro :mad:. Even if you're not into it, you gotta go through with it (or else put up with lots of grief). The way you describe your dates, makes me think that you've been raised by a library of romance books :), and no, that's not such a good thing :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Rough dude :). I didn't think the biking and swimming date I proposed was one of the romance book standards! Figured I should make up for it by cooking dinner.

 

She was the one that invited me up for the opera date.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmmm that is strange, but all women are different when it comes to sex. I think you did the right thing by not sleeping with her. Taking it slow is best, because that mystery about the other person is still there and it makes things more exciting.

 

When me and my current bf started dating, (I am 23 and he is almost 30) we didn't kiss until the 3rd time hanging out. We didn't have sex until about a month or so into it. Its just been something that is so important to me, I don't sleep with just anyone and the person I am going to sleep with has to feel right to me...and our first time, I knew it was right. In your situation though, I think you did all the right things...its her loss if she doesn't want to persue anything with you. But I bet you'll be back here telling us that she tried reaching out to you, if you just let her go and don't contact her.

 

Her telling you flat out that she loves sex is kinda weird. Something just isn't right. Good luck though!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just realized that the southern gentleman - californian slacker combo could not possibly work :). Those brats are classles :eek:. Get yourself a proper southern lady, go on 9 dates, meet her mom, have a cigar and scotch with her dad in his study, then arrange a romantic weekend trip to Savannah and you can do all the discovering in the humid, humid summer air :love::).

Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems as if she maybe scared of commitment. You seem like a great guy, which she is probably never used to. Don't stop trying and be persistent if you really want her in your life.

 

-Mel

Link to post
Share on other sites

Her excuse is a cop-out. Next time, make her cook and bang her. Turn the tables on her. Based on your dates and contacts, it sounds like you made yourself very available and were too much of a "nice guy".

Link to post
Share on other sites

Cal, you've gotten some ridiculous comments here. Hand in your man card? Hardly. You are just like my H who is a southern gentleman and took it slow with me. And he's ALL man. ;)

 

To answer your question I really don't think the age gap is the issue at all here...you're just not on the same page. I found my H's old fashioned values refreshing. This girl obviously can't appreciate a good man.

 

I'm sorry this happened but you're better off finding someone who really appreciates who you are.

 

And please don't change who you are.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think she feels a bit rejected by you because you didn't want sex when she offered. Perhaps she's added the lack of sex together with your lack of long-term relationship experience, and has decided that you just don't know what you're doing when it comes to women.

 

It's definitely worth talking to her I think, tell her you really like her and find her incredibly attractive, see if you can get her to agree to another date, and then make sure she knows that you know how to treat a woman ;)

 

Oh, and take no notice of anyone who says your dates were too romantic - there's no such thing as too romantic, and I'd love to be taken on dates like those :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hand in your man-card, bro :mad:. Even if you're not into it, you gotta go through with it (or else put up with lots of grief). The way you describe your dates, makes me think that you've been raised by a library of romance books :), and no, that's not such a good thing :)

 

I agree with Sam on this matter Cal!

When a woman wants to get it on....you should get it on!

She was ,possibly, just into having some fun rather than an LTR.

 

Maybe having sex with her would have helped her bond with you.

From my experience, many women want to have a relationship with you after you've shown them you've got what it takes....

 

 

Cheers,

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm in a devilish mood today so my advice is to write her back and tell its cool because you don't enter in to relationships with women you're not sexually attracted to. :D

 

Seriously though you did the right thing. If you're not ready to have sex with a chick, don't. Bang chicks you don't have feelings for. You obviously had some for this chick and I think you did the right thing. If for no other reason as it sounds like you are a good guy and could have got hurt had you been more agreeable to going all the way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Her knowing that you don't have any serious relationship experience definitely doesn't help. I am in the same boat as you so I'm very familiar with that scenario. However, I think rejecting her offer of sex is what killed it for you.

IMO if a man is attracted to a woman and she wants to have sex with him he should never turn it down. I can't see any positives out of doing that, especially in these times.

 

Your dates also seemed very long considering they were first, second, etc dates.

 

I don't know about the age thing though as I've never tried going out with women over 30.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the comments. After some further reflection, I do think she took it as a rejection in a real bad way and that she may have some self-esteem issues.

 

You wouldn't think that a sassy confident woman who projects well would have these kind of issues but she did make comments during foreplay like "I hope you don't have a foot fetish because my feet get sweaty" , "my hands get sweaty", "my calves are too big". She was sensitive to her bad acne back in high school (she made a comment about her parents paying to have it handled), how guys like skinny girls, the literally unnoticeable scars on her legs. She talked about how in Korea, women get plastic surgery to atrophy their calf muscles. I kept on trying to say and show that I found her incredibly sexy.

 

She definitely has an athletic swimmer's build and was not a petite waif.

 

My friends say that I'm not the kind of person that deals well with high maintenance so that I'm better off but one of my friends said that in the last year and a half that this was the one girl that I seemed true excited over (which is why I wanted to take it slow). Another life lesson I guess. Just a bit of irony that the advice to take it slow over someone you really like ended up biting me in the arse.

 

I left her a message saying if she ever wants to go out on a long bike ride to get in touch with me and that'll be it unless I hear back from her.

 

PS I guess I never thought about dates being too long. Is that actually an issue? We would just end up talking and the restaurant would be closing or it would be late. It didn't seem like either of us were giving any signs to head up and leave.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just a bit of irony that the advice to take it slow over someone you really like ended up biting me in the arse.

 

I beg to differ. You dodged a bullet with this girl. I know it. You would have been miserable with a woman who can't appreciate a true gentleman like you. She would have chewed you up and spit you out.

 

I left her a message saying if she ever wants to go out on a long bike ride to get in touch with me and that'll be it unless I hear back from her.

 

I'll eat my hat if you hear back from her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude if you'd had sex with her that night the only difference would be that this thread would be titled "did I have sex with her too soon?" or "did she bail because I was no good?"

 

Touche is exactly right. You dodged a bullet...if you listen closely you can hear the whoosh go by your ear. If you were prepared to be her **** buddy then maybe you screwed up, but you don't sound like that's all you wanted and that situation could have messed you up, particularly given what you say about this being the first chick to get you excited in some time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Dude if you'd had sex with her that night the only difference would be that this thread would be titled "did I have sex with her too soon?" or "did she bail because I was no good?"

 

Touche is exactly right. You dodged a bullet...if you listen closely you can hear the whoosh go by your ear. If you were prepared to be her **** buddy then maybe you screwed up, but you don't sound like that's all you wanted and that situation could have messed you up, particularly given what you say about this being the first chick to get you excited in some time.

 

And I'm not sure if you're a guy or a gal, but as a woman, I couldn't agree with you more.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You gave that ungrateful girl the best dates I have ever heard of! Sounds like she just wanted to sleep with you thats all.

 

For some people sex is very casual so when she didn't get it she decided to try another guy. (I have known some girls to do this)

 

So its not the age its what they want to do.

 

Don't give this girl another shot, seriously. Find someone who enjoys your company if thats what your looking for.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...