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my boyfriend has no friends!


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hi everyone- i need a little advice. my boyfriend and i have been together for a long time, almost 3 years. i really adore him and think he's an amazing person and i'm really lucky to be with him. we have an issue that keeps coming up and i need help dealing with it

 

he has very few friends- i'd say he has like 5 good friends that he talks to on a regular basis- but none of them live in the city where we live!! he's not really that friendly with his co-workers to a point where they'd hang out outside of work b/c they are all much older and dont have as much in common.

 

i have alot of friends and hang out with them quite a bit. sometimes the BF comes along and we all have a great time. i also enjoy spending time with just the girls and he encourages that too. usually when were not together, he hangs out alone. i WISH he had a group of guys to hang out with.

 

he insists that he's perfectly happy spending time alone while i'm with my friends. but i always FEEL like i'm leaving him behind and that he's at home feeling lonely.

 

he knows i feel this way and reassures me that he's perfectly happy. but i still would feel better if he had a few buddies to spend time with.

 

i know you will all probably tell me that as long as he's happy i shouldnt care. i know this is true. but i still need help getting over all of these feelings of guilt leaving him when im with my girls.

 

thanks!

katie

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You answered it yourself. If that is how he likes to be happy, than that is fine. As long as he is happy alone and you are happy with the friends, I do not see the problem. Not everyone needs other people to make them happy in life.

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Land Shark

You're the one who has the problem with the situation. It's your guilt that you are inflicting on yourself. It has nothing to do with him. Are you sure there are no other solutions besides making him change.

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the thing is, i dont know anyone else like that- so i have such a hard time accepting that he is truly ok with this. i wonder if other people would think it was odd if they found out.

 

i do acknowledge that this is probably all my own self inflicted guilt. i just want him to be completely happy and have a hard time putting myself in his shoes in this situation- its like, if that were me, i wouldnt be happy- so how can he be happy?

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Art_Critic

He does have friends.. it just so happens that they live out of the city..

What you are saying is that he doesn't have enough friends to balance the friends you do..

 

Sometimes life just happens and friends move and get on with their lives, they get new jobs or spouses and their families move so they go with them.. enough of that happens and your friendship pool depletes itself as you get older.

 

When that happens it isn't so easy to make new friends.. soemtimes friends take an enormous amount of time and he may have other things he likes to do rather than spend time dealing with a friend..

 

Honestly, unless he shows signs of being unhappy about it then learn to live with it..

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Art_Critic
the thing is, i dont know anyone else like that- so i have such a hard time accepting that he is truly ok with this. i wonder if other people would think it was odd if they found out.

I'm like that.. when I was in my early 20's I had a line of friends a mile long.. most were drinking buds though.. When I gave up drinking those friends were gone and the ones left were maybe a handful of good ones..

 

All the others life happened to.. those high school best friends just move on too..

I don't go out with people from work and getting out to find new friends these days isn't as easy as it used to be so I don't have many.. besides my wife and neighbors that is.. maybe a few close friends from the old days but that is it..

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the thing is, i dont know anyone else like that- so i have such a hard time accepting that he is truly ok with this.

 

You know two now. I'm exactly like that.

 

If I have any free time at all, I like to stay home, by myself. I don't need other friends to hang out with.

 

its like, if that were me, i wouldnt be happy- so how can he be happy?

 

Well there's the kicker... he's not you. People are different and that's how it's supposed to be!

 

I came up with this saying: "Men are from Andromeda and women are from the Milky Way".

 

Thinking of writing a book on it! You should read it when it comes out, it probably will contain lots of advice relevant to how you view men.

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westernxer

Sometimes life just happens and friends move and get on with their lives, they get new jobs or spouses and their families move so they go with them.. enough of that happens and your friendship pool depletes itself as you get older.

 

When that happens it isn't so easy to make new friends.. soemtimes friends take an enormous amount of time and he may have other things he likes to do rather than spend time dealing with a friend..

 

That describes my situation.

 

Well said, man.

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My H doesn't have many friends where we live. And he doesn't seem to need lots of them to be happy- he likes doing his own thing and hanging out at home in his spare time.

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Some people are just happy with themselves......By all means it's nice to have a few friends if you're desperately bored one night and your SO is busy, but for some people those nights are very few.

 

Does he talk to friends online? Does he game? Play guitar? Watch movies/tv/read books/listen to music?

 

More than likely he'll keep himself content with one of them and he's happy enough with you.

 

I'm pretty much the same. I have about 10 close friends and hundreds of friends I only see every often, but if my close friends aren't available (hardly since I live with two of them) I just keep myself busy by doing some of the above.

 

He's happy and content with himself and you should be glad of that, it's a good thing. Some people have to be around someone 24/7 and can't stand a night themselves.

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Sometimes life just happens and friends move and get on with their lives, they get new jobs or spouses and their families move so they go with them.. enough of that happens and your friendship pool depletes itself as you get older.

 

When that happens it isn't so easy to make new friends.. soemtimes friends take an enormous amount of time and he may have other things he likes to do rather than spend time dealing with a friend.

 

I agree with this too. I find it hard enough to find time sometimes to keep in touch with long term old friends let alone making new ones.

 

Life is so much simpler now, and I like it that way.

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i realize that once you're married and have families- friends sort of fall away and your family becomes the center of your attention

 

but my BF is only 26 and we are not married with kids (yet!) and so thats why it was striking me as odd.

 

though when i picture us in the future as husband/wife with a family (god willing) it seems that none of this will really even matter

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westernxer

but my BF is only 26 and we are not married with kids (yet!) and so thats why it was striking me as odd.

 

I lost almost all my friends at that age too. It gets worse as you get older. LOL

 

though when i picture us in the future as husband/wife with a family (god willing) it seems that none of this will really even matter

 

It won't.

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Art_Critic
i realize that once you're married and have families- friends sort of fall away and your family becomes the center of your attention

 

but my BF is only 26 and we are not married with kids (yet!) and so thats why it was striking me as odd.

 

though when i picture us in the future as husband/wife with a family (god willing) it seems that none of this will really even matter

 

I've only been married close to a couple of years and only been a dad just as long.. although being married and having kids does impact on your friendship life does also...

In my 20's I was busy with my career and business, boating and too many other things to worry about making new friends..

Boating..hahaha that gets you the wrong kind of friends..

 

26 isn't too young to have that starting to happen.. like you said.. he does have some friends.. it isn't like he is some hermit that doesn't come out of the basement for 72 hours at a time..

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Art_Critic
I lost almost all my friends at that age too. It gets worse as you get older. LOL

 

Same here.. and it does... I have this grumpy old next door neighbor that I'm friends with.. hahaha.. He reminds me of Mr Wilson on Dennis the Menace..

 

I keep him as a friend because he lives next door.. otherwise we wouldn't even talk to one another..

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Getting married and having kids doesn't mean you lose all your friends necessarily!

 

It just means dynamics can change, and you are more likely to hang out with people who have a similar lifestyle to you.

 

My H and I are expecting our first baby, and luckily some of our close friends all are too- so we still hang out and have things in common. We don't go clubbing or drinking or any of the stuff we used to do together.

 

i think having a baby actually makes you meet more people- at prenatal classes, at kids groups etc etc etc.

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SoulSearch_CO

I have people that I like and talk to and consider "friends," but I'm not really a go-out-and-chill kind of person. Never have been. Not in HS, not after HS in college, not ever. I'm perfectly fine with my SO being that kind of person if he wants. I'm happy being by myself. I don't feel like I have to put on airs or entertain somebody. There are very few people on this planet that have seen me at my 100% goofiest and also my worst. I like to keep it that way. LOL

 

Did he make a comment that made you doubt yourself? Or your friends or family make a comment? Or was this an issue in a past relationship? This had to have come from somewhere - thinking that something must be wrong with the situation. I don't see anything wrong with it.

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another thread to go into the non-issue pile...

 

i didn't really like this whole gravity thing at first either cos i kept hurting myself when i'd trip on myself. i got used to it eventually. :)

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i dont know why it bothers me. i guess i have this thing where i care way too much what other people think. i am also very OBSESSIVE which is a huge problem. a bad combination of traits

 

so i end up obsessing that other people will think there is something wrong with my boyfriend

 

also on a much more superficial level- sometimes i actually want to go hang out with a group of people other than my own friends. it would be nice if he had a group to bring into the mix. again, i know, not a big deal.

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blind_otter

i think having a baby actually makes you meet more people- at prenatal classes, at kids groups etc etc etc.

 

Sorta, at first. Then your baby turns into a toddler and you don't get a chance to finish a thought or a conversation unless your child is sleeping. Otherwise you spend 24/7 baby wrangling. I still go to play group some times, but I get to have half-conversations with a bunch of people who are all equally distracted, surrounded by loud noises while balls and cups are being tossed about.... so you can imagine how frustrating it becomes.

 

OP - I am a loner as well. I lack the ability or energy to maintain an extended network of friends. It is what it is. The most tedious thing about being a loner is that you often have to parry well-meant attempts to get you to be more sociable (usually from partners who sincerely think you should be getting out more, har har).

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Men don't generally seek out new friendships post high school. Anyone you meet after HS is usually through work, school (college), or through people you already know. And I've only met 1-2 people at work in all my life that I would hang out with outside of the office, and I think I only actually hung out with one.

 

Also, when your friends start dating or being serious with women, they fall right off the face of the earth. I have a best friend that I dont see/hear from and he doesnt return my calls at all. Im sure were still cool, its just that your girlfriend becomes the center of your social world.

 

If you are a man in a relationship that lasts longer than 2 years, chances are, if you were to leave that relationship, you would have next to no friends. The guys you hung out with before are probably doing their own thing, and men arent the best at staying in touch.

 

So, I dont think your bf's situation is strange at all. Im his age, and I honestly have next to no friends that live near me. They all live out of state, or they spend all their time with their gf. It sucks, but its life.

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My H is just starting to have friends at work that he hangs out with outside of work. I have my friends and hobbies and he has his. We both have very few friends. Sometimes we like to hang out at home watching a movie or playing video games. I am 27, I don't think it's odd. Honestly it's hard to find time to yourself. If he is at work all day and with you almost all night, when does he get "me" time.

 

I usually only see my friends on the weekend because I work all week and get very little time with hubby my friends know and accept this...

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