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how not to get attached


Peter_pan

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i seem to have this problem where i get attached to the person before anything has kicked off properly.

 

which is annoying because i build up false hope. and when things dont go the way i would like, it sends me crashing back to reality. that im single..

 

so how can i improve this situation?

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I'm the same way. I'm a neurotic mess when I encounter a girl I'm really into.

 

It helps to just scale things back, chillax, and not rush into relationships. Date multiple people and keep your options open. If you find yourself getting over-excited about some girl when you detect that feelings really aren't mutual yet, do things to distract yourself from her. Good things come with time. My best relationships were ones I didn't rush into head-first.

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Having other things going on in your life that you're excited about and that make you happy is probably the best advice I can offer you to avoid this (and coincidentally, this will also make you more attractive to wo/men). For me, this includes socializing with my friends, horseback riding and photography (and there's always at least one other thing that I'm trying to learn - rock climbing, etc.) - I'm passionate about these things, and I love doing them; this makes me less focused on "finding a guy," and when things with a guy don't work out, I also have something to fall back on for support and to distract me.

 

Second, it helps to pay attention to what the other person says and how s/he acts. Don't filter these things through your wishful thinking, or how you feel about that person, and don't overanalyze them looking for something to support what you want to be true. For example, if s/he doesn't text you back after a reasonable period of time, s/he isn't that interested - don't make excuses like, well maybe they didn't get it/are busy/etc.

 

Hope that helps.

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Left in a Lurch

I don't know if this sounds mean or not but I have that problem too and I found a way that works for me.

It used to be I would meet someone and see her and automatically every flaw about her was cute or seemed to make her hotter to me.

I started focusing on things that made her less than perfect and tried to put a realistic spin on things. I would think things like, she has a cute nose but if we dated awhile once I felt comfortable, how would I see it? Maybe it had a bump. Maybe she looked hot but eventually I would think she wore too much makeup.

Basically I just tried to notice her flaws and put a perspective on it of how I might see those things after we were dating for a couple of months.

It's kind of like when you see a hot actress without makeup and she goes from looking perfect to looking like someone you'd not be interested in at a bar.

I figure you just have to put a realistic spin on things and take the initial fantasy down a few notches. Kind of like when you start dating someone you're really into and find out she just rubs you the wrong way and reality changes everything.

I figure I notice my own flaws more than anyone so maybe I could apply it the other way to be able to think more rationally.

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Stop making a relationship such a priority. Have other goals and interests. Learn to be happy as a single person first. You're captain of your ship - any significant others you pick up and drop off along the way are just first mates.

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You're captain of your ship - any significant others you pick up and drop off along the way are just first mates.

 

:D Love it!!

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good advice. i do have a lot of other things going on in my life. but it would be more than nice after 8 months of being single, to pick someone up on my ship so to speak. its what im missing out on the most in my life.

 

well i raised the question because last night she did txt back but with like one sentence replies.

 

and the ball got left in her court as to if and when she cud see me this week. which i wasnt happy about.

 

so now im not going to make any first moves. and if she txts me. i shall reply late. keep her hanging a bit.

 

i know the trick is to not give yourself up to easily.

 

and who knows. maybe the night she was really into me, she was just after that as a one night thing.

 

in which case, she isnt worth it anyway, regardless of looks

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Loving Too Much
good advice. i do have a lot of other things going on in my life. but it would be more than nice after 8 months of being single, to pick someone up on my ship so to speak. its what im missing out on the most in my life.

 

well i raised the question because last night she did txt back but with like one sentence replies.

 

and the ball got left in her court as to if and when she cud see me this week. which i wasnt happy about.

 

so now im not going to make any first moves. and if she txts me. i shall reply late. keep her hanging a bit.

 

i know the trick is to not give yourself up to easily.

 

and who knows. maybe the night she was really into me, she was just after that as a one night thing.

 

in which case, she isnt worth it anyway, regardless of looks

 

 

With someone you love and loves you.......there should be no trick. Period. And as a side note, I would much rather have the "ball" in my court. That means you are in control of what you do with it. YOU are in control of what you do with your path. Not anyone else.

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Peter Pan ,just gather your own self.

You need not to worry of the thing you are telling us ,as there are else many such as you are, a bit obsessive,a bit possessive,it`s all about the nature, yours , individual.

So just pick up your self first of all . You need not play any tricks with anyone , you are your own master and decide according to your mind .

When you feel your mind gets lost and just heart is singing the song,then you just wont come to net to take any advices,but your soul will know the answers itself .

 

 

Best of luck to you !

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BlueHarvest

There are two important sayings I try to keep in mind when I realize I fall for a girl too early.

 

*Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option.

*In matters of taste go with the flow, in matters of principle stand like a rock.

 

Someone who constantly is changing plans to fit their needs, is someone you should be wary about. When you have conversations with someone or about something just tell the truth. Don't use circumvential words and metaphors to try and be coy or subtle. The biggest problem with relationships today is a lack of communication early on.

 

That was my problem in my relationship, and the communication was neither often nor accurate. You have to know when and where your life is. You have to know what you enjoy doing and find someone else who enjoys doing the same things as you. When someone else suggest doing something with you, be genuinely interested in it. Falsifying what you like/dislike gives the impression of being someone you aren't.

 

I did that. I pretended that I liked dancing, and took a girl out to a dance class. I hate dancing, I'm not good at it and I really don't have any desire to do so at this time in my life.

 

Just do your best to be yourself and stand by your principles, don't let others sway you into changing things you don't want to change. If you want to try something new then do it, but don't let others pressure you into doing something you don't really want to do.

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tinklebell

Seems like having an active life and friends is the common theme to stop making others a priority or getting too attached ahead of time. I have a reasonably active life and many friends who have been my confidantes and shoulders to cry on but I still face the problem of sometimes getting attached too fast and then disappointed because the relationships don't turn out the way I want.

 

Therefore I believe having a healthy self esteem is important too. When you're comfortable with yourself and your choices, you don't get affected as easily.

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but it would be more than nice after 8 months of being single, to pick someone up on my ship so to speak.
I've actually been having this conversation with one of my best friends, except for her it's been two years. I know how cliche this is, but you're more likely to find something if you stop looking. One thing she and I have noticed about her is that she's dating all the wrong guys, and things don't work out (much like you're saying) - except the reason might be that since she's looking, a lot of guys look good for the position of her bf...but in fact, they are not good/right for it at all. If that makes sense.

 

 

 

and the ball got left in her court as to if and when she cud see me this week. which i wasnt happy about.

I agree, that can be pretty annoying (this coming from someone who is guilty of doing it). When I do this it usually means that 1. I'm interested, but not that interested (which for me usually means I could become more interested...I'm really not interested in leading guys on or dating someone that I don't think I might really like if I got to know him better); 2. I happen to be super busy (this RARELY happens that I'm this busy, but it has happened a handful of times) and would rather try to meet up last minute if I realize I have a few hours open; 3. I'm annoyed that a guy asked me to hang out sometime this week rather than suggesting a specific date/activity on a specific day. If I have a lot going on, I am much more likely to accep a concrete invitation - it shows the guy is really interested and putting in effort, and is capable of making decisions. Not saying that those fit your specific case, but maybe that offers some insight.

 

so now im not going to make any first moves. and if she txts me. i shall reply late. keep her hanging a bit.
Good call; if the ball's in her court, leave it there.

 

i know the trick is to not give yourself up to easily.
I hope there's not a "trick" to getting us! :eek: However, I do think this goes back to a lot of the advice, to have other things going on in your life that you find fulfilling. Focus on doing one of those things, stop looking for a girl...and I bet you'll meet someone fantastic.
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i wasnt looking for this on either. lol we just got talking and one thing led to another.

 

she is known to be a bit of the local bike. which is annoying. but she is a nice girl. prob knows how to get any guy she wants and where she wants.

 

good advice. your right about asking just to meet up this week sometime. it wasnt because i wasnt interested in putting effort into meeting her. i was trying to suggest something so that it would fit with her schedule better.

 

but again as someone else said, this makes you an option.. :(

 

ugh there are so many ways things can be translated isnt there. hopefully she knew where i was coming from.

 

but i know she isnt that interested or she would have txt me today by now i would have thought.

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Having other things going on in your life that you're excited about and that make you happy is probably the best advice I can offer you to avoid this (and coincidentally, this will also make you more attractive to wo/men). For me, this includes socializing with my friends, horseback riding and photography (and there's always at least one other thing that I'm trying to learn - rock climbing, etc.) - I'm passionate about these things, and I love doing them; this makes me less focused on "finding a guy," and when things with a guy don't work out, I also have something to fall back on for support and to distract me.

 

Definitely. I've been single for a year, and it does get depressing, but I also play music and do a weekly podcast, and having those things to look forward to and work on really makes the time go by, and they make me happy.

 

Stop making a relationship such a priority.

 

Yes. So much of our world culture is dominated by ideas and ideals of "love," but IMO, that mentality misses the mark entirely. Relationships should not be a priority; they should be icing on the cake. You are the cake.

 

Just do your best to be yourself and stand by your principles, don't let others sway you into changing things you don't want to change. If you want to try something new then do it, but don't let others pressure you into doing something you don't really want to do.

 

I freaking love this advice.

 

3. I'm annoyed that a guy asked me to hang out sometime this week rather than suggesting a specific date/activity on a specific day. If I have a lot going on, I am much more likely to accep a concrete invitation - it shows the guy is really interested and putting in effort, and is capable of making decisions. Not saying that those fit your specific case, but maybe that offers some insight.

 

Damn. I left a VM on a girl's phone the other day, asking if she wanted to grab a drink "sometime". Based upon the above opinion, it's no wonder she didn't call me back; she might have felt I wasn't putting in an effort (or she doesn't dig me!). Thanks for that insight, I'll keep it in mind for next time.

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Damn. I left a VM on a girl's phone the other day, asking if she wanted to grab a drink "sometime". Based upon the above opinion, it's no wonder she didn't call me back; she might have felt I wasn't putting in an effort (or she doesn't dig me!). Thanks for that insight, I'll keep it in mind for next time.

 

HuuuuuUUUUuuUUUge points for actually calling her! Little off topic rant, but guys my age and younger, and more and more so older ones too are so unbelievably lazy!! Another huge pet peeve of mine is when a guy is trying to make plans with me, he says he'll call later/tomorrow/whenever, and then he texts me instead! Me, not wanting to keep texting back and forth about it, I'll call him back, and then he doesn't answer his phone...and we have to keep texting back and forth for 30 minutes, instead of talking for 2.

 

I'm also getting frustrated to the point of wanting to either CX my facebook account, or write in my "About Me" that any invitations to hang out received via text or a fb message will not be considered a date, and will be either turned down or place you very firmly on my friend ladder.

 

I hope the girl you asked out appreciates that and calls you back :)

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Thanks for your response.

 

I hope the girl you asked out appreciates that and calls you back :)

 

She's missed her chance now! :cool: Nah, funny enough though her name is Laura.

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firstly i want to make it clear i am not looking for love lol

 

i just want a date maybe a fling and if it turns into more then bonus.

 

i AM THE CAKE. she would be the icing :p

 

im bored of not getting any action for too long lol

 

its depressing

 

 

i didnt txt her all of yesterday. and bout half 10 she txt me and asked how my day was. i told her it was great. and she txt back jus saying wicked xx

 

that was it...

 

what the hell lol ! i didnt txt back.

not heard anythin since

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The trick with flirting via text is to not ask stuff like "how's your day" (different story if you're actually dating/in a relationship). She may have been looking for attention, checking to see if you had forgotten about her, or just didn't know what to say...

 

Wait a little bit, then text her back, but don't text her back something deadend like "how's your day."

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firstly i want to make it clear i am not looking for love lol

 

i just want a date maybe a fling and if it turns into more then bonus.

 

i AM THE CAKE. she would be the icing :p

 

im bored of not getting any action for too long lol

 

its depressing

Gotcha! I guess I've always just really enjoyed my downtime from guys and relationships. If I do get a little bored though, my favorite thing ever to do is just go out and flirt a little! I'll flirt a little with the guy behind me in line to get coffee, flirt at a bar, or my fave place ever to flirt - at a Sox or Bruins game with the guys sitting near me or in line for beer. It's not flirting with the intention of getting a date or a number or anything, it's just fun! Plus, it's great practice for when I meet someone I do like ;)

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Thanks for your response.

 

 

 

She's missed her chance now! :cool: Nah, funny enough though her name is Laura.

 

Well that's just rude! She should've at least called you back to decline. Manners are so important.

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Haha, and I have a class with her in two hours. Should be fine, but my dating philosophy is to ask someone out once, and if they don't respond - next!

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Date multiple people and keep your options open.

 

That is the most effective IMO. I've got similar tendencies and nothing keeps it in perspective like cultivating other options. Avoid the trap of being deceptive about this, however.

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I'm annoyed that a guy asked me to hang out sometime this week rather than suggesting a specific date/activity on a specific day.

 

I usually coach it in terms like "Hi, I'm going to ________ this ________ at _____, it'd be cool if you can come out."

 

It takes some pressure off because it's clear my plans don't revolve around her answer.

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