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trantrum over another girl, am i being unreasonable?


beautiful_stranger

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beautiful_stranger

So I ended up seeing this guy whose original love interest is engaged to someone else. And so he moves on to me. I have been friends with him for a long time, everytime after he sees her, he gets upset, sad and bewildered, and everytime I witness this it hurts me too.

 

And now, she's moved overseas. My problem is, I cannot get over the feeling of settling for being the second best when it seemed that the guy would rather be with someone else. (although I don't know how rational this feeling is...)

 

Although he's very good at not talking about her in front of me, yesterday he mentioned her over something small, and my immediate reaction was that I didn't want to talk about her and acted pissed off. But he talked on anyway, and so I followed the flow by asking him about her, i.e. why did he like her so much, and how does he feel about her. To that he answered "its a good thing that she's now getting married, because it means we can be really really good friends". His voice was shaking as he said this. Meanwhile, he told me not to be so backward looking, and should not be so insecure about other girls.

 

Anyway, later on, after we parted, he sent me a text message saying that "you dont see me throwing tantrums at you being on friendly terms with your ex bf". (but i consider that a completely different story, as I am way over my ex bf).

 

To this message, I replied "Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. But I have reservations over getting involved with someone who is emotionally attached to someone else. and this is different to ex bf/gfs. If so, its better to leave things than mess them up. I just need an honest answer. Should really have talked about it, but things like this are difficult to raise". He answered by saying "hehe.. now you are acting more mature.".

 

My question is, was I acting completely petty, childish and irrational? Was my reaction unfounded? It seems like he's done all the right things, but why can't I get over the feeling that he's only settling for me coz he can't be with someone he considers better. How can I be with someone who would rather be with someone else? Or maybe that's not the way he sees it? Do you think its the end of us?

 

How does everyone else see it? Please help.. as i am feeling so lost... :(

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How old are you two?

 

Your response seems perfectly mature, responsible, and honest to me. His by contrast strikes me as immature and uncaring.

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beautiful_stranger
How old are you two?

 

Your response seems perfectly mature, responsible, and honest to me. His by contrast strikes me as immature and uncaring.

 

we are both in our mid twenties. But you don't believe i over-reacted by being pissed of simply because he mentioned her name?

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I think you're being reasonable. Why should anyone settle for being second best? Him moving onto you just makes him selfish, because he will have his first love come between the two of you and you will never have his heart.

 

Ask yourself if you really want to be with him. It seems that had he not have had his ex, then maybe you and him would work out. But you're very unhappy right now with him. Suppose you put up with him and the ex comes back.

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beautiful_stranger
Suppose you put up with him and the ex comes back.

 

Well, i did ask him, he laughed it off by saying then we could have a threesome :mad: RETARD!!

 

anyway my point is from his point of view, he's over her, because she's getting married. But from my point of view, from what i observe, i believe he still has feelings for her, i mean it doesnt matter how far away she is, if he has feelings for her then he has feelings for her end of the story. And it hurts me, whenever he talks of her with such affection. Therefore to him my reaction would come across as irrational because he's never going to be with her... but it doesnt make me his first choice either :(

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Well, i did ask him, he laughed it off by saying then we could have a threesome :mad: RETARD!!

 

anyway my point is from his point of view, he's over her, because she's getting married. But from my point of view, from what i observe, i believe he still has feelings for her, i mean it doesnt matter how far away she is, if he has feelings for her then he has feelings for her end of the story. And it hurts me, whenever he talks of her with such affection. Therefore to him my reaction would come across as irrational because he's never going to be with her... but it doesnt make me his first choice either :(

 

 

Well, if I was in your position, I wouldn't stand for that. Especially if it will only make me miserable knowing I have a bf who will always carry a torch for someone else.

 

This is absolutely your decision. It's about how you feel, whether you care for him enough to settle in the role of second place, whether you'll still be happy with your decision further on in the future.

 

Your self doubts are telling you something. And sometimes it's important to listen to that little voice in your head.

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we are both in our mid twenties. But you don't believe i over-reacted by being pissed of simply because he mentioned her name?

 

Here's one thing I've learned about relationships: You can't control the way you feel; you can only control the way you react to the way you feel. So, if you feel hurt by the way he talks about his ex, you can either throw an out of control hissy-fit about it or you can calmly and honestly express yourself to him by saying you don't appreciate his bringing her up that way.

 

It sounds to me like you were calm and mature about it. If he cares about how you feel, he shouldn't attack your feelings or mock the fact that you're upset. He should instead respond in kind, and have a rational discussion about it and try to resolve the problem. Instead, he's the one who threw a hissy fit.

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