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Don't understand this guy's behaviour


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I have been hanging with my ex (it was a mutual breakup for external circumstances) for the last few weeks and we were having a really great time. Last saturday he started kissing me and I kissed him back, but when he tried to take it to the next level, I said that I did not know if this was a good idea, as we were trying to be friends, and having sex might ruin that. At first he kept on trying to make me change my mind, but then he agreed and said I was right. So he just held me and at some point fell asleep. I could not sleep so I left around 3:00 am and went home.

 

Here is my problem: since then I have not heard a peep from him. In the last few weeks he called me every day, sometimes a few times per day, and we hung out a lot recently too. Yesterday I called him and asked if we are okay, still friends, and he said "yes, what about you." So I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he said lets go for a walk.

 

The walk lasted for about 2 hours, but the whole time he seemed to be in a hurry and walked really fast, he also kept quite a distance between us and never touched me at all. The worst part though was when we arrived at my place. He just turned around, walked away and threw me a "See you" over the shoulder. I was left standing there speechless. Today we were online at the same time and instead of saying hallo, which he normally does, he just ignored me and signed off after a while.

 

I don't know what is going on. Can you tell me what you think might be going through his mind? I'd understand if his pride is hurt or he doesn't know how to be friends with me, but part of me is worried that he was only hanging out with me because he wanted to have sex, and now that this is not going to happen, he is no longer interested in me.

 

In case this is not obvious from my post, I really like him and would do most anything to get back to the way things were 5 days ago. (If possible without actually sleeping with him, but I am starting to consider that too).

 

Thank you so much for your insight and advice!

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SoulSearch_CO

Yes, he wanted sex. You turned down his offer of sex, he's no longer sniffing around. He is limiting contact because he can tell you're developing "feelings" and he's not interested. I'd go NC on this one - go find somebody worthy of your time or you'll end up having sex with him and wondering why he doesn't want a relationship.

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Hey Soulsearch, thanks a lot for your reply.

 

So you think all he was after was sex? Does that fit in with his behaviour on our walk yesterday? His keeping his distance and acting aloof and distant?

 

I find it so hard to believe that he went through all the trouble of being a great friend/date during the last few weeks, if all he was after is sex. I mean, he is really good-looking and whenever we go out, there are usually some drunk women hitting on him. If all he wanted was sex, he could have that most nights of the week with other women.

 

So you think all I can do is NC? Because I was thinking about asking him to hang out again, and then, when we are face-to-face, ask him what is going on and even ask whether all he wanted was sex. I have a feeling that this is the reason he met up with me yesterday; in order to proof that he was not just after sex.

 

Could it be that his pride or feelings are hurt, and there is something I can say or do to improve the situation between us?

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I think something has him confused or upset. But you'll have to ask him what it is. I don't think he was just after sex or he wouldn't have gone on the walk. And you're right, he wouldn't have befriended you that way.

 

Sometimes we think our own thoughts and motives are obvious to the other person but they're just as confused and trying to read us as we are them.

 

Talk to him.

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SoulSearch_CO

I had a FWB who was ADORABLE and would have made an awesome boyfriend. He was thoughtful, considerate, a perfect gentleman. He would call and ask me how my day went, texted me in the morning and then once while he was at work. Called me pet names and asked me all kinds of probing questions like he was getting to know me, or something. Shared pictures of his kids with me. VERY thoughtful (and awesome!) in the bedroom. But yes, as it turned out, he really and truly did only want sex.

 

Just because somebody throws themself at you doesn't mean that's what you choose. Maybe he saw you as a higher prize than some bar floozy. I guess you could kind of see it as a compliment. But no, I don't think that his pride was just hurt. He is showing classic signs of "not interested."

 

Of course, you could sit him down and ask him what he's looking for in life right now. Is he dating anybody for a possible LTR? Or is he just playing around? You could also very clearly state that you don't have sex with somebody unless you're in a committed relationship. That would give you a good idea where he stands.

 

But he also does sound like my first supposed BF. The guy went out of his way to show how much he cared about me, made it look like we were dating, talked about the future...when he couldn't get me to have intercourse with him (we did tons of other stuff), he lost interest. So, yes - I think you need to be careful with this guy if you don't want to get hurt. I'd go NC. It'd give him time to heal his imaginary wounded pride (I really, really doubt this is the case), and if he were actually interested in a RELATIONSHIP with you - you'll hear from him.

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Putting too much weight on what people here say is dangerous and can seriously mess with your head. Talk to the guy!

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I'll have to agree about talking to the fellow. Hard enough to deal with the snakes in one's own head, let alone those in others' heads!

 

The walk sounds like a push pull inside him. Want to be with - but rejected advances. Guys tend to equate liking with sex. Get confused easily.

 

Also, young guys (say, under about 33 these days) act a lot like little kids. Might have to coddle him a little to get to the bottom of it all.

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talk to him, you know him well enough right?

if he is an ex he may have thought sleeping together was a way to get your relationship back on track or wanting fwb situation..

 

im curious how long you was together.. reasons for break up.. and

how long apart.

 

:)

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Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. They really help. I guess the consensus here is for me to talk to him about it and ask him what is up.

 

Any advice on how and when I should do that? I thought about giving him a few days to think about it, and see if he contacts me himself. But I have a feeling he isn't going to, I mean he even ignores me when I am online. So I thought about calling him and asking him what is up, why he is acting all distant and cold now. But I am worried that he will say something like "you wanted to be friends, so how do you expect me to act", and then I will be the fool for bringing this up.

 

Another idea I had was to just call him and ask him if he wants to hang out over the weekend. And if he says yes, to just go and have fun without bringing anything up, at least until the end of the evening, depending on whether he will give me the cold shoulder again. But what if he says no to hanging out? Should I just let it be or ask him why not? I really feel like I am chasing after him now, and I don't know if that is even something he wants me to do.

 

Another, and probably most cliched and desperate option for me to do, would be to show up at his favourite hang-outs. I have a pretty good idea of where he can be found at certain times during the day.

 

So what do you guys think?

 

Oh, and if there are any guys out there who could help decipher his behaviour, that would be greatly appreciated too.

 

And to answer your question Sultry, we dated for 3 months last summer, it ended because I had to move on for work and neither of us thought a long-distance relationship would be a good idea.

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mr.dream merchant
Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. They really help. I guess the consensus here is for me to talk to him about it and ask him what is up.

 

Any advice on how and when I should do that? I thought about giving him a few days to think about it, and see if he contacts me himself. But I have a feeling he isn't going to, I mean he even ignores me when I am online. So I thought about calling him and asking him what is up, why he is acting all distant and cold now. But I am worried that he will say something like "you wanted to be friends, so how do you expect me to act", and then I will be the fool for bringing this up.

 

Another idea I had was to just call him and ask him if he wants to hang out over the weekend. And if he says yes, to just go and have fun without bringing anything up, at least until the end of the evening, depending on whether he will give me the cold shoulder again. But what if he says no to hanging out? Should I just let it be or ask him why not? I really feel like I am chasing after him now, and I don't know if that is even something he wants me to do.

 

Another, and probably most cliched and desperate option for me to do, would be to show up at his favourite hang-outs. I have a pretty good idea of where he can be found at certain times during the day.

 

So what do you guys think?

 

Oh, and if there are any guys out there who could help decipher his behaviour, that would be greatly appreciated too.

 

And to answer your question Sultry, we dated for 3 months last summer, it ended because I had to move on for work and neither of us thought a long-distance relationship would be a good idea.

 

Well whatever you do, don't pursue him to the point of looking desperate. From your initial post it sounded like he just wanted to get laid and was upset that things even got that far if you weren't willing to have sex with him.

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Well whatever you do, don't pursue him to the point of looking desperate. From your initial post it sounded like he just wanted to get laid and was upset that things even got that far if you weren't willing to have sex with him.

 

So what do you think I should do? At what point would pursueing him look desperate? Do you think I should just let it be and see whether he contacts me on his own? After all, I was the last to contact him and ask him to hang out. Thanks a lot for your advice.

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I think you should do whatever feels right in the moment and stop judging it or trying to figure out what will get you which result.

 

Be genuine and open. Be kind. Be YOURSELF.

 

I am the master of over-analyzing and am trying to just let things be and be myself. It really is the best we can do.

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So you dated last summer, you moved for work and I'm assuming you are back in the same town now? If so, why didn't you resume dating?

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hey guys, I am back and I could use some more advice or input on my situation.

 

Update on what has happened in between is below, but my question to you guys is: Should I just disappear on him, or tell him that I am sick of this one-sided friendship and if he wants to continue being friends, he will have to initiate contact himself at least half of the time and stop treating me like an annoying bug whenever he feels like it.

 

This is what happened in the last 3 weeks:

 

Following the advice of most of you I have tried to talk to him about what is going on. His reply: Nothing is the matter. Everything is fine and we are still friends. Only his behaviour says otherwise.

 

In the last few weeks his behaviour has been something like this: Whenever we run into each other during the week he either only waves hallo and walks on, or he will throw me a short "hey what's up" and walk on. When I try to talk to him, he gives short, fast answers but never stops walking.

 

But on the weekends when I hang at the pool he often comes and sits right down next to me and acts like nothing is up. He will talk to me and when he leaves he even asked me once or twice whether I want to do something with him later. I always said yes and then we went out for drinks, dancing, a movie, trips to the mountains, etc. and had a really nice time. But when we get back home, he does the same thing of just walking off without a 'goodnight' or anything of that sort. And during the next few days he will sure as hell act like he doesn't know me if I run into him around the apartment complex.

 

While he has only asked me to do something twice so far, I have asked him at least 3 times whether he wants to hang out and every time he said yes. (We are due to go to a baseball game this thursday.)

 

I don't understand his behaviour and I am very frustrated by it. He is seriously changing from cold to hot within hours and usually without a clear reason. Also he has told me that he goes out on weekends and has had at least 1 one-night-stand recently, something I really did not need to hear about, but I guess he thinks if I am really his friend, he can tell me about it.

 

The point of my long post and my appeal for help is the following: I am so frustrated by his behaviour. I don't know what is going on and I am sick of chasing after him. I have already asked him 3 times whether something is bothering him and why he is acting in this weird and distant way, but he refuses to admit something is up.

 

So I have decided that this meeting on thursday will be my last effort of hanging out with him. From than on, if he doesn't contact me anymore, while I will surely miss him and think about him, I am going to accept that it is over and we are no longer going to hang out.

 

The only thing I am not sure of yet is whether I should tell him as much, or just stop contacting him and let it be. What do you guys think?

 

I am sorry, rereading my post I realize I sound like a drama queen, but I really want this drama to stop. If I could, I would turn back time to 4 weeks ago and just see whether a relationship between us would work this time around or not, and forget about saving the friendship. But I can't and I feel it is too late now, especially since he seems to be seeing someone new or at least having frequent one-night stands. Because I care about him I tried to hold on to some sort of friendship between us, but I am starting to think that this is just not possible.

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SoulSearch_CO

I stand by my original advice of NC. And that doesn't mean, "Hey - I'm going to go NC on your ass." It just means DO IT and let him figure it out on his own. If he actually CARES, he'll make contact on his own and ask you what the deal is.

 

It sounds to me like he's using you as his ersatz girlfriend until something better comes along. Come on - you deserve better than that.

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Hey Soulsearch, thanks for posting again. One question about the NC: we live in the same apartment complex so we usually run into each other on a daily basis and see each other for hours every day at the pool on weekends. How am I supposed to handle the NC in circumstances like these? Do I really have to refrain from going to the pool even though it is hell as hot here (I live in Southern Nevada) or should I just continue living my life and only stop actively contacting him via email and such?

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Live your life, don't bother contacting him or even thinking about it anymore. Go to the pool you lucky thing!

 

This man is having a tantrum - the poor diddums! If that's not an unattractive quality, I don't know what is. He's stomping because he lost his toy.

 

The walk thing? Bloody awful behaviour! From that moment I would have wiped him from my brain. He was punishing you for not giving him what he wants - what a baby.

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