Getting/staying together with someone out of desperation - that common or a myth?

[Sam Spade]

I guess this is a mini poll. I wonder how common it is for people to enter (and stay) in relationships that are clearly, clearly wrong for them (if not necessarily abusive), out of unbalanced state of mind, desperation, or other emotional issues? Looking at my circle of friends and acuqintances I can point to at at least 2 women (mid 30s and early 40s) that ended up in very rushed and mediocre - by their own admission - marriages just so they could have kids and not be alone respectively.

(I guess the alternative outcome of dating in this state of mind is a series of self-sabotaged/failed relationships?). Either way, that's one of the sad things I can think of, and I really hope it is not that common.

[samspade]

Hey Sam!

 

I can't really speak for females, but I think guys will stay in a broken relationship out of a sense of desperation. They've forgotten that they can go out and find someone else if they want to, or are afraid of being alone. That's why you see so many posts from men on LS saying, basically, "My girlfriend/wife cheated on me, how can I make our relationship work?" when in fact the best thing for them, in my opinion, is to find someone better.

 

I suppose some females come here with similar problems, but I think women are MUCH better at knowing what their options are and being able to walk away.

 

As for getting married out of desperation, you see that all the time. Women who are in their 30s and desperate begin to see their options dry up, so they will go after the "nice guy/provider" types that they eschewed in their younger days. Of course, those types of guys are desperate, too, so at least it's mutual. Luckily, I think you can sense that kind of desperation in a man or a woman, so if you are truly independent and not willing to settle, you will have no problem nexting the man/woman who is after you for your seed/womb/money, etc.

 

Personally, I'm glad I am still single, though only because I think if I had gotten married I probably would have made the wrong choice. In any case, now that I'm in my thirties, I'm having more fun than ever dating women of all types and ages. For me, it's the best way to make a clear-headed choice for a long term partner, if I ever want that.

[Sam Spade]

Hmm, no matter how you put those scenarios, it's pretty depressing.

I guess there is so much internjal and societal pressure exerted on the importance of being with someone, that it is easy for people to make a bad decision, even if they're aware that it's bad . I feel it as well, though thank god I see absolutely nothing wrong with my current girlfriend, at least not yet.

 

(But anyway, as you in particular saw in another thread of mine (thanks for the reply), I also have a private concern in asking this - my ex had a recent (or shall I say - ongling?) breakdown, and she's convinced that many of her problems would be resolved if she just found a new boyfriend; and she already has some history of dating scumbags (not me ) that were clearly wrong for her. She is absolutely not in a mental health position to be even thinking about relationships, though I understand the urge. So I'd really hate to see her become one of those women who settle for all the wrong reasons ...)

[Timmers]

People stay in relationships for the "wrong" reasons all the time. Or they're just "about to break up." Sadly I think it is quite common especially as people get older -- a lot of people just don't want to be alone.

[kdark]

Sam Spade responding to Sam Spade's thread?

 

Which one of you is the doppleganger?

[Sam Spade]

Sam Spade responding to Sam Spade's thread?

 

Which one of you is the doppleganger?

 

It's a coincidence - two guys with mad style (evidently ) independently settling on an avatar honoring one of the few icons that actually stood up to the test of time . Nobody can rock the trench like Bogie .