Boyfriend says he doesn't know how he feels about me...

[Blackberries]

Right, some background.

My boyfriend and I met through a friend. We had flirted on a few nights out and ended up kissing at a party a couple of weeks back.

The next day, we had a long chat, and we have been talking every day since, and seeing each other most days.

The past few days we spent together, sharing a bed every night.

On the first night we spent together (it was him that suggested staying over), he confessed that he had a hard time with intimacy and trusting people, as a result of his parents' divorce when he was a child. He cried talking about this.

He told me that in the past, he has ended relationships after a couple of weeks because he panics over the feeling of someone getting close to him.

He is 27, and has never lasted more than a couple of weeks with a girl because of this.

I admit, my alarm bells did go off, but I figured we could work it out.

Over the past couple of weeks I asked him a few times if he had any fears or felt he was panicing, and he said no.

On Valentines night, we were in bed, and were kissing as usual. One thing led to another and he suggested having sex. I asked him was it too soon, he said no. However, he kept losing his erection when he attempted to do it. We tried to do it several hours later and it still didnt happen.

 

On the way to my house last night, he asked if I thought we were going too fast, on account of the fact that we were spending almost all our time together and were attempting sex. I told him that while I felt things were moving fast, I was happy. I figured that he'd walk me to my door and say that he was going to head home and have some time to himself, but he didn't. He came in with me and sat on the couch beside me for 3 hours! All the while, he had his arm around me, rubbing my arm, stroking my hair, asking me was I OK and could we talk. I was very confused- he said he wanted more time but yet proceeded to carry on as normal???

 

Anyway, after he left, when he got home, he began IM'ing me, saying he just needed more time and to take things slowly. This was fine with me.

However, he then told me that he doesn't know if he likes me or not.

He said the initial attraction was there, but over the past 2 weeks, he has had nagging thoughts in the back of his head that maybe he doesn't like me, and is with me because of guilt over how kind I have been to him.

I told him that the bare minimum of a relationship is that two people like each other, and he agreed that he can't say if he likes me.

He also says the reason why he was physically incapable of sex is because he felt it was too soon. I reminded him that I asked him was it too soon when he suggested it, and he said no.

 

He basically says, at the moment, his head is melted and he needs to clarify exactly how he feels. He said the past 2 weeks he has been over-affirmative with me because I was so kind to him the night he told me of his fear of intimacy, but his head is now a melting pot.

 

I have told him that I am deeply hurt that he cannot say if he likes me or not. He seemed so happy and affectionate and genuine the past 2 weeks that I find it impossible to believe that he doesn't like me, but then again, I cannot tell what is going on in his head.

I have also told him that even if he decides he does like me, being with him after him being so unsure of it will be a huge deal for my self respect and my confidence.

 

If anyone could offer any advice it would be great.

[nicki]

Wow, just a few weeks in and all these problems.

 

It may just be years of experience speaking here, but I say "run!" You don't owe him all this effort to make a go of it. You haven't been together for years and years and are trying to make things work.

 

It's only been a few weeks. Don't go into a relationship where there are problems from the beginning.

 

For whatever reason, he is not emotionally available to have a relationship with you. You can't figure out or know all the possible reasons.

 

Fear of intimacy. Whatever. It doesn't matter. He could even be lying to you about the reason and saying it's fear of intimacy. Really, you don't know him very well.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but consider saying goodbye to him. You can have compassion for his situation, but have more for yourself.

 

Let him go work his stuff out. Maybe let him know that you would love to reconsider down the road if it's still an option for both of you. Meanwhile, date others.

 

But, please throw this fish back in the water. I think you'll be glad you did.

[Geishawhelk]

This is complicated.

In a way, I think he's subconsciously testing you, to see whether you have "staying power" - that is, are you going to see it through thick and thin - or are you going to 'give up on the relationship' - like his parents did?

 

This is muddled by his own personal insecurities and fear of commitment.

 

he needs counselling.

On his own, and with you.

Suggest it, but then - hate to say it - leave the ball in his court, and back off.

However, tell him:-

 

that you are in it for as long as he wants you to be, but you will nor be jerked around like some little bird on a string.

You're too good for that, and if he decides he wants to make a go of this, fine.

But right now, you're going to leave him alone for a while to think about the things he's said to you.

Because this isn't about you - it's all on him.

You have nothing to question yourself about.

This is his bowl of fruit salad.

And he'd better sort it.

[nicki]

I just re-read your post. He says he's not sure if he likes you.

 

I say he is not interested and can't come out and tell you.

 

Send him a message or call him and let him know he's off the hook. You aren't interested in him any longer.

[Enema]

Do you have the time or inclination to spend what could be a good portion of your life combatting someone else's mental problems because they "might" get over it?

 

I don't.

 

I would break up with him and with a parting jab, suggest he get counseling for the recurring problem he himself admits to having.

[Blackberries]

I have already suggested counselling to him because I think he really needs it.

Basically his parents broke up when he was 8 but did not tell him until he found out by accident when he was 14. Before that, he was always told that his father was not around because he was away at work.

He says that no one could even begin to understand how betrayed he felt and that as a result, he is afraid of letting anyone get close to him.

 

Maybe I'm just in denial, but I find it impossible to believe he doesn't like me.

All those kisses and cuddles, all the time we spent together, how happy he seemed...and he turns around and says he doesn't know how he feels about me??

 

He has admitted that he has been incredibly selfish to put me through all this.

He said that he was being over-affectionate out of guilt because I was so kind to him after him crying about his parents, but has realised that it's kinder to me in the long run to admit that he has actually been having panics and doubts.

 

I will admit, we have been going very fast. But it was him that set the pace!

He was the one who initiated IM conversations every day for 2 hours or so.

He was the one who suggested staying over- I didn't want him to, given that it was only my 2nd time seeing him, but I didn't want him to feel rejected.

He was the one who suggested having sex.

 

I have no problem with him wanting to slow down a little. Talking to and/or seeing someone for hours every day is a lot.

The fear of intimacy didn't bother me so much, I figured we could work through this together.

But telling me he doesn't know how he feels about me???

I mean, am I correct in saying that you shouldn't even need to ask yourself if you like someone or not- it should be obvious to you??

 

After a LOT of IM'ing about this last night, he rang me and we talked for maybe 30 minutes, and I think I heard him crying. How can he cry over all this but yet not like me????

[Girlygirl1977]

Been there, done that and got the tee shirt. I agree with the posters who say to let him know that you understand his situation but you would like to give him time to sort it out. If you can kindly suggest counseling in a non-demeaning way, do this (i did not but it is a good idea) and let him know that he should find you when he is ready again. But of course go out and try to see what else is out there.

[Zapbasket]

With the caveat that each person and each relationship is different, I'm going to advise that you back off and give my experience as an example.

 

Two years ago my ex, with whom I'd been in a relationship for 5 years, broke up with me abruptly. One of the things I was always frustrated with him about in the relationship was his emotional and communicative reticence: instead of getting upset with me and talking with me about it, he'd hang up the phone on me (our relationship was long-distance for a couple of years). I felt like I was always the one taking the initiative. So when he ended things with nary a conversation about what went wrong or a glance back, I was left wondering if he EVER truly loved me. I eventually came to the conclusion that whether he did love me or not, or loved me and then fell out of love--why would I want to be with someone who could never make his true feelings known, and never really GO for what he wanted?

 

I remembered, painfully, a conversation we had a YEAR AND A HALF into our relationship. He said to me exactly what your bf said to you: "I'm not sure how I feel about you."

 

It stung, but I didn't take him entirely seriously, what with his constant emotional reticence and all. He always ACTED like he really wanted to be with me, and his eyes when he looked at me were full of admiration and enthrallment, and he'd said once before that I was exactly what he'd wished for over many lonely nights several months before we met. So I thought, how could he possibly mean it, that after all this time he still doesn't know how he feels about me? I stayed on, but spent the rest of the relationship feeling vaguely insecure and practically BEGGING him to share more of his feelings.

 

The memory of this, in the aftermath of how coldly he broke up with me, to this day makes me feel humiliated, betrayed by MY OWN SELF. I wish that when he said to me, "I'm not sure how I feel about you," I'd said, "Well, if that's the case, then I think we need some time apart for you to sort out what you feel. I'm sure you can understand how it would be demeaning for me to continue as we have been, with someone who after being around me for 1.5 years, still doesn't know what he feels for me." And I'd have finished with, "Let's cut contact until you decide what you want." And I'd have spent our time apart thinking about whether I wanted to be with someone that non-committal about me after a year and a half together. It may have been that I'd have decided to cut my losses then and there.

 

The moral of the story, if there is one to be gleaned from it, is: sometimes take a person's words at face value. For a relationship to be worthwhile, both people have to have a certain basic ability to trust others and commit to another person. You can't do that for someone; the trust and commitment have to come from them.

 

The guy sounds too laden with issues to engage in a healthy relationship. How sad for him...but it needn't be your "project" to fix. Agree to be friends if you feel that's best, but don't demean yourself by trying to make a relationship happen with someone who's still on the fence not only about you, but (and moreso) about relationships in general.

[Tomcat33]

I have already suggested counselling to him because I think he really needs it.

Basically his parents broke up when he was 8 but did not tell him until he found out by accident when he was 14. Before that, he was always told that his father was not around because he was away at work.

He says that no one could even begin to understand how betrayed he felt and that as a result, he is afraid of letting anyone get close to him.

 

Blackberries everyone has emotional baggage to carry but only those who are adult enough to recognize this will take proactive steps to rectify the problem on their own. Telling you about his problem may be hard and all but taking no resolution to fix it is counter productive to his letting you know what his problem is.

 

It's like telling someone you have a problem with drug abuse and it is wrecking your life and you can't get your life straight then excusing yourself to go shoot up in the bathroom. It's a slap in the face to the person you are confiding in.

 

Look you are doing the typical thing we women tend to do when we are faced with a challenge of this nature, you kid yourself into thinking "I can help him, I can change him, our attraction/love will see him through this. And the reality is NO it won't. He has something severely broken within him and no amount of effort on your part can fix that because HE has to fix it. In the least and if it is not as severe as it seems then he should allow himself a chance to get close to a woman to at least experience this but he is not even open to that.

Using you with a hot and cold act is not going to fix things it's only going to suck you into his dark broken world.

 

Maybe I'm just in denial, but I find it impossible to believe he doesn't like me.

All those kisses and cuddles, all the time we spent together, how happy he seemed...and he turns around and says he doesn't know how he feels about me?

 

Yes you are in denial. We can like a lot of people that doesn't mean we want to love them or even lust after them. I am sure he likes you, why wouldn't he? You can like your neighbour, you can like your coworkers doesn't mean you have any desire to feel any sort of chemistry or love for them or even do anything special for them, "like" is a very minimal feeling of contentment don't you deserve more from a man you are feeling all sorts of deep emotions for?

 

Look I will leave you with some words I read many many years ago that helped me out a lot in terms of dealing with my own emotions and that of others:

 

If you don't know what you want, you don't want what they have.

 

Consider that's what he is telling you.

Please move on, this isn't something you can fix much as it may feel like it is.

[Blackberries]

I'm completely in shock over all this...this time yesterday we were so happy... or at least I thought so.

 

He said this morning he wants to stop IM'ing and talk on the phone or preferably face to face. He is going to call me tonight.

 

Obviously talking face to face is much easier than IM'ing, but if I meet with him, there's a good chance I'll get upset, and then I fear he will tell me he likes me out of guilt, and possibly the whole cycle will start all over again.

[confused_2008]

My last relationship ended over a situation eerily similar to this and I was the guy. I can relate to how he feels, doing the whole hot/cold thing. The girl was really supportive and understanding, just like you're doing, but in the end I just wasn't ready for a relationship with her. It took the shock of losing what truly was a great girl to make me wake up and figure myself out, and I think that's what it's going to take for this guy. I agree he should get some therapy. In my case I had a very healthy home life growing up, so I don't know why I am the way I am and don't think I'm to the point of needing it. With this guy it's been recurring, indicating a need for therapy.

 

I just wanted to offer my perspective and say no matter how great you are, try not to be hurt by this. It's really his issues and says nothing about you. Unfortunately for you, you need to let him go and sort himself out.

[whichwayisup]

CUT OUT the intimacy and fooling around, and actually get to know the guy. You two aren't 'friends', you both jumped into a relationship with labels boyfriend/girlfriend waayy too fast. Slow it down and GO out, have fun, see a movie, shoot some pool. Build up to it, and build a friendship - A foundation first - THEN see how you two feel in afew months. It's only been less than a month. Neither of you know eachother well at all.

 

The guy is atleast honest enough to let you know his feelings..This isn't really about you, it's about him, his past experiences, his childhood and whatever issues he has about relationships, trust and getting close.. He's obviously been hurt or has a fear he will be hurt..

 

If you like him enough, just give him time..But if you feel he isn't worth it, then let go, move on, find someone else who isn't afraid of a relationship.

[BCCA]

If you don't know what you want, you don't want what they have.

 

Wow that just hit me like a ton of bricks. My ex always said she didnt know what she wanted, but this makes perfect sense. Sometimes, you cant quite put your finger on what it is that someone is lacking, so while you may not know exactly what you dont like about this person, you still dont want this person at the end of the day.

 

If I can give you some advice, as someone who spent a long time with a flip-flopper, stay away. He'll probably always be on the fence with you. Sometimes, people need to meet someone as emotionally unstable as them to work things out together.

 

My ex knows she needed help, but it was easier to blame everything and everyone else for all her problems. She didnt want to think it was her that had the issues, its just everyone else. She even went to counseling 1 time, and said she wouldnt go back because the counsler 'didnt understand', which to me meant, didnt agree with her skewed view of the world.

[Blackberries]

I want to be with him so badly, because I like him so much, and care for him so much, and although he is a lot of work, I feel it is worth it. That's what my heart says anyway.

 

My head is telling me to get real- why am I considering being with someone who doesn't even know how he feels about me?

 

I know he was deeply affected by being physically unable to have sex with me. After a while of trying my best to get things going, I began dozing off. I didn't want to talk about what had happened, so I pretended to be asleep. He was tossing and turning for ages and I thought I could hear him crying.

 

I want so bad to just forget this all happened and just go back to how we were.

 

I want an answer as soon as I can, to try and get some closure for myself, but at the same time, I am hoping that once he realises he could lose me, he'll come to his senses and realise that he does like me and that he needs to screw his head back on and deal with things.

He has told me that the thought of losing me makes him upset, but at the same time, he thinks I am better off without him.

 

What also gets me is that I have similar problems regarding trust, as I used to suffer from a paranoia disorder, as a result of years of bullying in school. However, eventually, I recovered.

Like him, I would work myself into a state about whether I could trust people, and end up feeling so many things at once that I would end up feeling nothing, and completely numb. I became completely apathetic and didn't care about anyone. These days, things are very different, but I know how it feels to be consumed by something like that. However, I was in my late teens at the time- a good 8-10 years younger than him, and so, probably less set in my ways.

 

It is very hard for me to turn my back on someone who has cried in my arms, talking of the deperate lonliness his problems have caused him.

[4givrnt4gtr]

"I'm not sure how I feel about you."

 

 

Ohh do i KNOW this line....

 

to the OP...my dear you deserve someone who KNOWS they at the very least really really likes you. Dont get stuck with a guy who is so wishy washy that makes your head spin.

 

I was involved with a man like this for a year and a half. I excused his "i dont know" at first because i thought it was too soon for him to know anyway....He would act like he was madly in love with me physically, as in hugging, kissing, aiming all day long at work, mentioning how he wanted me to meet his family and wondering how I would fit in. Ofcourse his lack of "i love you" (among other things) meant nothing right?

Well, a year and a half later, I said I love you to him, his response? "too much love floating around, I lust you"

That was the begining of the end...i confronted him, asking how he felt about me...his "i dont know, i was hoping i would be in love with you after getting to know you better (!!!!! after a year and a half!!!!!!)

 

It was then that I decided I deserve better. I dreamed of a man who loved to be with me, who thought I was amazing, and pretty. Who would hear love songs and thought of me. Someone i could ask "do you like/love me" and he would respond with a "hell yes!"

 

SO i ended it.....and literally a week later I found a man who wanted me the way I dreamed about. He literally wanted me so bad that even after rejecting him twice because I thought it was too soon to get involved, he had no doubts about his feelings that he kept pursuing me. Thankfully I gave in finally and we've been happily together since then. THATS what everyone deserves.

 

So bassically, do not settle for the "uhh i dont know", cut it lose and go find your "hell yes!"

[Tomcat33]

Woops sorry this

 

If you don't know what you want, you don't want what they have.

 

was supposed to say

 

If you don't know what you want, you don't want what you have.

 

 

I think it was understood anyway right?

[nicki]

So, if you don't know what you want, you don't want him/her, right?

[Tomcat33]

So, if you don't know what you want, you don't want him/her, right?

 

 

Yeah that's the idea. Any time you are vague about anything that is the direct result you will obtain.

[sand26]

Do you have the time or inclination to spend what could be a good portion of your life combatting someone else's mental problems because they "might" get over it?

 

I don't.

 

I would break up with him and with a parting jab, suggest he get counseling for the recurring problem he himself admits to having.

 

 

I concur with enema here.

[Geishawhelk]

Woops sorry this

 

If you don't know what you want, you don't want what they have.

 

was supposed to say

 

If you don't know what you want, you don't want what you have.

 

 

I think it was understood anyway right?

 

Thinking about it, it CAN work either way...

[Blackberries]

OK, so an update.

 

We sat down last night and had a long talk.

Basically, my boyfriend was taking things far too seriously and it seems he was confusing like with love.

He was over-analysing everything and asking himself deep questions about me and whether he was in love with me. Having only been with me 2 weeks, obviously, he doesn't know me well enough to get many answers.

He also said that when I asked him if he likes me, he thought I was using "like" as a euphenism for "love", which I wasn't.

He said he does like me a lot, and enjoys spending time with me.

I told him that love is a serious thing that takes time to develop and that frankly, if he told me he loved me after 2 weeks, I'd be scared!!!

 

He has little to no relationship experience and has never gone past a few dates with anyone else. As such, he has rather high expectations compared to the rest of us, who understand that relationships aren't always fireworks and roses and sometimes can be a pure pain in the butt.

He said that when he meets a girl, he wants to have a deep connection and "unwritten rules". I have explained to him that he seems to be looking for a fairytale and that in the real world, these "deep connections" don't happen instantly very often, and that realistically, you have to know someone a lot longer than 2 weeks before anything deep can develop. Real life love is not always how it is depicted in movies and songs!

 

I have also explained to him that nobody can live up to such high expectations and if he continues to have them, he will only be disappointed. When you put someone up on a high pedestal, the only way for them is down.

 

We also discussed the issue of space, and I am more than happy to slow things down. He said he was not ready to have sex. He has never had sex with a girlfriend before- it was always a drunken thing. He said he doesn't want this with me, he wants it to be special. I have never had a guy say this to me before!

I reminded him that I had asked him several times if he thought it was too soon, and he always said no. I pointed out to him that if he had only said yes, he could have saved both of us a lot of frustration and embarassment. He said that he said no because he wanted to please me.

Overall, he said the reason why he has been so over-affirmative is because he wants a deep relationship and he thought that if he kissed and cuddled me enough, stayed over enough, had sex with me, this deep relationship would appear, but I have told him that these things take time.

 

Regarding his fear of intimacy, this is a work in progress.

I have told him that he needs to sort his problems out HIMSELF.

I am happy to support him, but I have told him in no uncertain terms that I CANNOT do the work for him. I have told him that everyone has problems, I sure do, but he has to try his hardest to make sure that this crap doesn't happen again.

 

He has promised he will try his best to calm down and stop over-analysing things and just take them for what they are. I have told him that I have been completely honest with him and that he should turn this bad experience into a good thing, by learning from it, and making sure it doesn't happen again. Rather than lie about the doubts and fears he is having, and let all his worries pile up and escalate until his head is melted and he has a big outburst like the other night, he needs to talk about his worries as they happen, and answer my questions honestly.

 

So there we have it.

I'm not going to get my hopes up too much. It remains to be seen whether he can break this pattern of behaiour, or whether he has truly learned from this horrible experience.

He has told me that I am the only person who has ever really listened to him, and that supporting him and listening to him last night is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for him.

He said that he never usually talks about his fears to anyone because he is afraid they will just think he's crazy and they'll turn around and hurt him.

Hopefully this experience will strengthen us- my fingers are crossed.

[Geishawhelk]

It sounds to me as if you are so hung up on this guy you'll say pretty much anything to him to make him go on going out with you.

I'm sorry, but that's how it comes across.

 

 

You know how fast it took me to fall head over heels in love with my partner?

 

Maybe a day.

Tops.

I knew after a day, this was something extraordinary.

 

Love develops and grows, sure..... but it doesn't take all that long to feel you're in Love with someone.

 

I think there's so much ground to covber, you're going to end up mentally exhausted trying to deal with all of this, and in trying to create in yourself, a soft place for him to fall.

 

You want to be that place, but honestly?

I'm not sure you're strong enough for two....

[Tomcat33]

Thinking about it, it CAN work either way...

 

God you're good!!! yes it does come to think of it.

 

And I second what Geisha said you are making excuses for this guy, big fat excuses that are only going to come back and disspoint you some more. I am sorry to be so brutally honest but in reading your discussion with him you didn't come to any sort of conclusion that is hopeful to you. All he did was regurgitate his flaws and you accepted to stay along for HIS ride. This does not look promising for you. But of course nothing we say will detour the course of the path you are on, these are your choices and you are in charge of your own path. I do respect that.

 

He has little to no relationship experience and has never gone past a few dates with anyone else. As such, he has rather high expectations compared to the rest of us, who understand that relationships aren't always fireworks and roses and sometimes can be a pure pain in the butt.

He said that when he meets a girl, he wants to have a deep connection and "unwritten rules".

 

But he is not experiencing that with you which means that to him this relationship will always fall short of what his "ideal" in his head tells him it should be. No amount of trying to convince him to look at things another way is going to change that for him. He needs to figure this out on his own.

 

 

You basically talked him out of breaking up with you, that's what you did. You cannot talk a person out what they feel or talk them into an experience, you are simply buying yourself a little more time with him but delaying the inevitable. I know this sounds harsh but he is not going to magically change his mind by getting to know you better. He actually needs to go out there and experience love and real heartache, his own way, before he can have any form of objective view on how to go about dating someone.

 

 

I have also explained to him that nobody can live up to such high expectations and if he continues to have them, he will only be disappointed.

 

Those are good words but until he actually feels disspointment, he can't fully relate to what you are telling him. Your words are good, but dissapointment actually might be the only thing that snaps him in place. Until then it's all words.

[Trialbyfire]

Put it into perspective, two weeks, two weeks, two weeks.

 

Get out NOW!

[Blackberries]

You know how fast it took me to fall head over heels in love with my partner?

 

Maybe a day.

Tops.

I knew after a day, this was something extraordinary.

 

Love, or infatuation?

I don't believe most people could be in love after only a day.

 

you are making excuses for this guy, big fat excuses that are only going to come back and disspoint you some more.

 

That is a fear I have also, only time will tell if I was correct. In the meantime, I certainly won't be getting my hopes up.

 

I am sorry to be so brutally honest but in reading your discussion with him you didn't come to any sort of conclusion that is hopeful to you. All he did was regurgitate his flaws and you accepted to stay along for HIS ride.

 

I told him multiple times that I am not prepared to do all the work for him and that if he didn't try to resolve his problems by himself, I would be out. I asked him to clarify several times what is in this for me, when I could go out with someone else with less problems.

 

But he is not experiencing that with you which means that to him this relationship will always fall short of what his "ideal" in his head tells him it should be. No amount of trying to convince him to look at things another way is going to change that for him. He needs to figure this out on his own.

 

I have had terribly unrealistic expectations of guys also.

He should do *this* without me having to ask, he should answer my calls and texts within *this* period of time, etc etc- I have to consciously remind myself on a regular basis that men are only human too, and that they are not the mind readers or super-romantics I expect them to be.

 

You basically talked him out of breaking up with you, that's what you did. You cannot talk a person out what they feel or talk them into an experience, you are simply buying yourself a little more time with him but delaying the inevitable. I know this sounds harsh but he is not going to magically change his mind by getting to know you better.

 

I hope this is not true, but again, only time will tell.