CarrieT Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I am now 44 years old. Up until six months ago, I have been consistently in long-term committed relationships. i.e., I haven't slept alone in 25 years. In the past six months, I have been on half-a-dozen dates and chatted online with more than two dozen men. Most recently, a guy approached me on Yelp because he liked my picture and how I expressed myself in a Talk thread. I admittedly have a desirable body type for most middle-aged men -- that of a 1950s Burlesque Queen; shapely, curvy, and stacked. Lots of men tell me I am stunning and gorgeous in a classical sort of way (whatever that means), but I've never felt particularly attractive. Well, the guy and I exchanged around 2,000 words of conversation, mostly talking about 1940s movies, great vintage wine, and other mostly-banal banter like where we grew up and our respective eye colors. But his first message to me this morning is a link to this eight-page New York Times article on women's sexual desires. Now I am far from being a prude, but what would possess a complete stranger to introduce a topic like sex out of the blue? And, for you other 40-somethings, why does there seem to be the need to introduce the discussion of sex almost immediately? Perhaps I am being a bit too sensitive, but I am tired of guys only wanting me for my body and not looking into the fact that I am extremely erudite, talented, and accomplished. Isn't there anyone out there that is turned on by the mind? My only conclusion is that in getting older, perhaps you guys feel that if you don't get some -- or at least some interest -- up front, you don't think its worth your time to pursue further? Or are all men so single-minded? Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 We're not "turned on" by a woman's mind. Rather, we're stimulated by her mind and turned on by her body and overall sexual charisma. As for the guy, he was perhaps a tad aggressive, but it was a NYT's article--not a YouPorn link. He was too familiar too quickly, which happens often when folks "connect" online. I would cut him a break for this one lapse. If the sexual links escalate, then I'd say sayanora. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I am now 44 years old. Up until six months ago, I have been consistently in long-term committed relationships. i.e., I haven't slept alone in 25 years. In the past six months, I have been on half-a-dozen dates and chatted online with more than two dozen men. Most recently, a guy approached me on Yelp because he liked my picture and how I expressed myself in a Talk thread. I admittedly have a desirable body type for most middle-aged men -- that of a 1950s Burlesque Queen; shapely, curvy, and stacked. Lots of men tell me I am stunning and gorgeous in a classical sort of way (whatever that means), but I've never felt particularly attractive. Well, the guy and I exchanged around 2,000 words of conversation, mostly talking about 1940s movies, great vintage wine, and other mostly-banal banter like where we grew up and our respective eye colors. But his first message to me this morning is a link to this eight-page New York Times article on women's sexual desires. Now I am far from being a prude, but what would possess a complete stranger to introduce a topic like sex out of the blue? And, for you other 40-somethings, why does there seem to be the need to introduce the discussion of sex almost immediately? Perhaps I am being a bit too sensitive, but I am tired of guys only wanting me for my body and not looking into the fact that I am extremely erudite, talented, and accomplished. Isn't there anyone out there that is turned on by the mind? My only conclusion is that in getting older, perhaps you guys feel that if you don't get some -- or at least some interest -- up front, you don't think its worth your time to pursue further? Or are all men so single-minded? Well, admittedly, you two had exchanged emails, had conversations and he saw your photo. It's not as though he linked to a porn site -- he linked to an article in the NYT. However, if he has made you uncomfortable, or introduced sexual conversations too soon, perhaps you should let him know that. That doesn't mean he needs to be cut off, never to hear from you again. You just have to let him know your boundaries. Also, yes, men are big on the sex thing -- I wouldn't say single-minded -- but it's there, almost all the time, in their thoughts. That's the way men are. I don't mean they don't think about anything else, but yes, they think about it a lot. If you are unhappy with that, I don't know what to tell ya... I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't think men should be put down for having such an interest in sex -- it's what makes them men. Testosterone and all that... Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Yuck! That's creepy. I would have cut him loose ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CarrieT Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Also, yes, men are big on the sex thing -- I wouldn't say single-minded -- but it's there, almost all the time, in their thoughts. That's the way men are. I don't mean they don't think about anything else, but yes, they think about it a lot. If you are unhappy with that, I don't know what to tell ya... I'm not trying to be rude, but I don't think men should be put down for having such an interest in sex -- it's what makes them men. Testosterone and all that... I am not putting them down by any means -- and I not necessarily offended. Yeah, if I HAD been sent a YouPorn link, it would have been a different matter. I have been the kind of person that 90% of the time, have sex on a first date so believe me, I am not a prude. I am just trying a new line in the dating scene of NOT putting out so soon and seeing if there are any guys out there that can engage me intellectually. I see these guys, we do the dirty, and I realize there is little else there between the ears to entice. They want to see me again, but then I realize it is just for sex. It is a quandary when one looks for a LTR when most men are seemingly so single-minded about their intentions. I am not necessarily asking for advice about this guy in particular as I don't even see it getting to a date or anything. I am asking about meeting middle-aged men in general, which I am just beginning to do and am mostly unawares of the social ballet involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I think there could be alot of issues contributing here. I think with the me culture we live in and the "I want it now" attitude, sometimes men expect things faster then they deserve to get them. Ask a man how quickly he wants sex and he has certain expectations for that. Ask a man how quickly he wants a relationship and those expectations are even further away then when he expects sex. Which is why I believe that if a woman likes a guy she needs to hold off on the sex and make him work of it. It's not fair that men expect sex faster then they expect putting in the effort for a relationship. It was in the NYT but it was still too forward. You will have to set the boundries without coming off too prudish and staunch. Cut him a little slack but don't let him think he is getting it easy. He might be a little horny/desperate too. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I am not putting them down by any means -- and I not necessarily offended. Yeah, if I HAD been sent a YouPorn link, it would have been a different matter. I have been the kind of person that 90% of the time, have sex on a first date so believe me, I am not a prude. I am just trying a new line in the dating scene of NOT putting out so soon and seeing if there are any guys out there that can engage me intellectually. I see these guys, we do the dirty, and I realize there is little else there between the ears to entice. They want to see me again, but then I realize it is just for sex. It is a quandary when one looks for a LTR when most men are seemingly so single-minded about their intentions. I am not necessarily asking for advice about this guy in particular as I don't even see it getting to a date or anything. I am asking about meeting middle-aged men in general, which I am just beginning to do and am mostly unawares of the social ballet involved. Well, that's why I said let him (or them) know your boundaries. I can't answer your question about middle-aged men. Personally (and this is my own opinion) they are probably more about sex than relationships. I don't mean this as a slam on anyone, it's just what I have observed. Most men that age are coming out of a divorce and not interested in LTRs. Not all, but most. It will take some finesse on your part to let them know what you are looking for. The ones who feel the same will respond -- the others, well who cares, right? Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'm a middle age guy, 47 and probably not that typical. But, sex isn't as important for me as it once was. One of my ex g/f's has made it clear to me that we can sex as often as I want, NSA. But, I have no desire for that. Maybe it's because I had a marriage that was so shallow and based on sex, and have never had a combination of emotional and physical intimacy. Whatever the case is, I have no desire for a sex only relationship....I'll wait until I meet someone of some depth and someone I have chemistry with.... This guy, is probably testing the waters with you....it seems like you have intellectual chemistry and he wants to see that you have sexual chemistry as well. We guys can be pretty dense and heavy handed in presenting the sex topic, and in this case, he sounds like he tried to finesse using the NYT. I guess, it all comes down to what you were feeling, were you just enjoying a friendship or were you feeling some sexual tension and now this has turn you off? Link to post Share on other sites
bhweller Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 My two cents.... two most probable cases.... 1. he was just trying to keep the whole interaction going with you and didn't mean anything significant. 2. he is trying to see if you are a possible sex partner. Link to post Share on other sites
tincanman99 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I read the article, it was hardly provocative. It was more scientific than anything else. That being said as a guy, if you got bent out of shape by an article like this this it says to me - asta la vista. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I read the middle-brow popular science article, too, and found it a bit longish for a good read. The article was all about the post-feminisit study of female sexuality. Hardly provocative. Methinks you overreacted. Like tincanman, if a woman became exercised about my linking to that article, I'd know she's not the one for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 While I'm not middle-aged or a man, my take is that this guy is trying to avoid the dreaded friendzone! In introducing the topic of sex, he's trying to see if you'll bite. Link to post Share on other sites
boxing123 Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 And, for you other 40-somethings, why does there seem to be the need to introduce the discussion of sex almost immediately? Perhaps I am being a bit too sensitive, but I am tired of guys only wanting me for my body and not looking into the fact that I am extremely erudite, talented, and accomplished. Isn't there anyone out there that is turned on by the mind? Well, I am not 40, but I can tell you the truth. As you stated, men you chat with introduce sex almost immediately. Well as we know, men like sex. So what has the internet done? You can see pictures of hundreds of women, and contact all of them quickly. Men bring up something sexual to see how the woman responds. If she is offended, then next. If you ask 20 women, 1 will say yes. And since most men would prefer having sex over a string of dinner dates, that is their approach. So no, as for internet dating men do not care about your mind if they are looking for someone to have sex with. Too much variety, and too easy to contact them. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 Now I am far from being a prude, but what would possess a complete stranger to introduce a topic like sex out of the blue? he just sent you an article on sex, he didn't ask for sex... And, for you other 40-somethings, why does there seem to be the need to introduce the discussion of sex almost immediately? i haven't noticed that...with some people it comes up faster than with other. it basically depends Perhaps I am being a bit too sensitive, that may be the case but I am tired of guys only wanting me for my body and not looking into the fact that I am extremely erudite, talented, and accomplished. Isn't there anyone out there that is turned on by the mind? i don't know what "erudite" means but if you've got it all (brains, looks, personality, career, etc...) then you should be meeting men in real life vs. over the internet which is totally lame... My only conclusion is that in getting older, perhaps you guys feel that if you don't get some -- or at least some interest -- up front, you don't think its worth your time to pursue further? Or are all men so single-minded? you're probably going after the wrong men,, if a man really genuinely likes a particular woman he will behave differently Link to post Share on other sites
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