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Boyfriend is guilted into spending time with family ALL THE TIME


MusicChick24

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MusicChick24

My boyfriend is constantly guilted into spending lots of time with his family, it doesn't take away from me, because I'm always invited along but it's kind of embarassing when he doesn't want to double with our couple friend or our other friends because his parents want us to spend a night at home.

 

A New Year has arrived! And Hopefully bringing new things.

I don't understand how his parents don't want some time alone. My mom wants time alone with her bf...so why don't they want time alone? Is it normal for his parents to want him around so much?

 

And what should he do about it? I don't want to be rude about it. I love his parents to death and I like spending time with them and the rest of his family but all the time??

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If I listened to my mom all the time, I'd be a complete loser with no life. Some parents have a different view of what normal life should be. A lot of them aren't smart enough to understand that their children need a life of their own.

 

In your situation, I think this is a fundamental issue that needs to be addressed or else you'll end up in permanent frustration. I guess having a place of your own would greatly help.

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GoneButNotForgotten

You have to explain it to him. Otherwise you will only start to resent it more and more. I dated a girl that was always pulled into family functions. I got stuck going along many times. While they were great people, they were not really friends of mine and I wanted to go out and do things with friends and stuff. Over time I built up a resentment to having to go through the motions on family functions so much. Learn from my mistake. Tell him that you understand family is important and you enjoy time spent with his parents. But that you also want to go out with him away from them.

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MusicChick24

Having our own place would be nice...but we are college students without the finances to afford living together. I live on my college campus 30 min from our families houses. He lives with his parents because he is at a community college at the moment. I don't mind going to his family functions because they are his family, and he was raised with family being HUGE importance, and he comes to my house alot during the school year to spend time with me and my mom, but my mom isn't needy. She doesn't NEED me there, I choose to spend certain days with her (like her days off) because I don't live at home. He lives at home, so I don't understand why his parents NEED him so much.

 

We have talked about it..and like I said he was raised with high importance on family and so was I...I don't want to be responsible for forcing him to part with his family...but like I said why does his family want him around so much. I know his brother just moved out of the house and got married this year...and they don't come around much. Maybe they realize that Aaron is in college and has a job and will within the next few years be moving out himself? I don't know.

 

We do go on dates...and have dinner etc..on our days off from work however lots of time is spent with his family. And I feel like it's because he doesn't want to "disappoint" them and I understand that.

 

Like New Years Eve (last night) we had an offer to spend it with one of our couple friends that we don't see often because they are at a college 2hrs away but he said his mom made it clear that she wanted us to spend the New Years with them because it was "family time", and we did, and it was fun, but is there any way to make him realize that it's important to hang out with our friends as much as it is important to be with his family?

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His mom should be happy that he has friends who want to spend NYE with him. Parents don't always understand the importance of having a social network outside of the family.

 

Your boyfriend needs to put on his pants and be more assertive. If you're not comfortable with the situation, then perhaps give him an ultimatum.

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MusicChick, I used to be in your boyfriend's situation. And my ex at the time, like you, was extremely frustrated and understandably so. In the end, I found that living at least three states away from ANY family was... liberating to say the least. I recommended everyone to try that for at least a little while. You have to live far enough so that going back every weekend is just not an option.

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MusicChick24
My opinion on this is he might just be the stay in with the family type of guy and he is WANTING to spend that much time with his family. There is nothing wrong with this - what I wouldn't give to have my mother back who died 15 years ago.

You might be incompatible in this way. He simply loves you, but he also loves to spend time with his family. He is at least not excluding you from this.

But his preferences are clearly to spend time with his family and you together rather than go out with your friends....if this wasn't the case, he would be spending time with you going out more, and with friends more rather than with his family. I don't think he is feeling guilty, I think he just truly is doing what he likes doing best - being around his family members. Hey at least he is including you as a part of this, but you have to decide if this is what you want. If his preferences are making you that upset, you have to decide if this is the guy you want to be with longterm.

 

If you do end up marrying this man and having kids, it will pay off because he will be the family man devoted to his wife and children, not going out to the bars while you stay home with the kids. I would seriously consider your "complaint" about him a "plus."

 

 

You are right...he does value his family and I don't resent it because I value mine as well and want a family type of guy as you mentioned...lots of times he does opt to spend time with them and I don't mind going along...but lots of time his mom does kind of push him by saying stuff like "if you do such and such your father and I will be alone for such and such occasion" or she'll deem a certain day "family time" making those times unavailable to him. As I mentioned his brother just got married and moved out within the year, she is clearly still adjusting to this...possibly just his mothers way? I just wish we could spend time with our friends without his mom seeming to be upset or feeling rejected.

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MusicChick24
His mom should be happy that he has friends who want to spend NYE with him. Parents don't always understand the importance of having a social network outside of the family.

 

Your boyfriend needs to put on his pants and be more assertive. If you're not comfortable with the situation, then perhaps give him an ultimatum.

 

 

I don't believe in ultimatiums they don't solve problems and are unfair. I wouldn't want him to give me one, so I wouldn't do it to him either.

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  • 1 month later...

This isn't going to change. If you get married Mom will run his life then too.

 

Most men establish a seperate identity from their families about age 15-16. He missed ths stage.

 

There is a reason whay we have the term "MAMA'S BOY" in our society.

 

You will always be #2.

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