Signs of emotional immaturity/unavailability in men???

[jc]

So I'm just coming out a break up and I'm not quite ready to begin dating again yet...but before I do, I wanted to know what others think about what type of things/behaviors constitute emotional immaturity?

 

Both of the ex-boyfriends I've had who I was really in love with ended up being really emotionally immature in the end and unable to commit. With this current ex, he jumped into a relationship with me very quickly, said he loved me after 3 weeks, told me he was going to marry me after 2 months, and was sending me links to houses we could buy and pictures of engagement rings right up until a month before we broke up. So I thought that this was a person who was very emotionally available...Then in the last month he really withdrew, stopped calling, not communicating with me, etc. I have no idea what happened. But the way he played out the break up ended up being VERY emotionally immature.

 

I was also kind of concerned during the relationship because he still had a lot of anger at two of his ex-girlfriends who both cheated on him. Understandable that he was angry, but one of those relationships ended 8 years ago and he is still angry with her.

 

So what kinds of things do you think signal emotional immaturity?

[Lishy]

The worst thing about this type of man is that you do not know as they cover it with acting like it is a relationship that they want!

 

Only time can tell I guess

[BabyBlu]

1. Proposes to you if you known him less than a year.

2. Wishy-washy feelings about your relationship.

3. He won't use condoms.He wants to get you pregnant as fast as possible.

4.They tell you that they love you too fast.

5.They aren't over their exes.

6. Considers sleeping around as "manly".

7. Strong resentment towards their mom.

8. Dad issues.

9. Seperates you from friends.

[LostNLonely]

1. Proposes to you if you known him less than a year.

2. Wishy-washy feelings about your relationship.

3. He won't use condoms.He wants to get you pregnant as fast as possible.

4.They tell you that they love you too fast.

5.They aren't over their exes.

6. Considers sleeping around as "manly".

7. Strong resentment towards their mom.

8. Dad issues.

9. Seperates you from friends.

 

...What does six out of nine qualify me as ???

[Jersey Shortie]

That's a good list BabyBlu. I would also ad anyone who avoids serious discussions about you, him, or your relationship or anything of importance. Look to his friends and look to how he treats his family and friends. ask him about previous relationships. Really listen to how he talks about his exes and what he talks about. These can all give you clues to his emotional maturity.

[jc]

That's a good list BabyBlu. I would also ad anyone who avoids serious discussions about you, him, or your relationship or anything of importance. Look to his friends and look to how he treats his family and friends. ask him about previous relationships. Really listen to how he talks about his exes and what he talks about. These can all give you clues to his emotional maturity.

 

Great point. How they talk about/treated their exes is so important! What's that quote? The best indication of future behavior is past behavior? So true. My ex cut his exes and friends out of his life very abruptly. Should have seen that one coming.

 

I think I'll also have to add someone who ALWAYS blames others for their moods and reactions and is never able to admit or share responsibility for issues. People who are emotionally mature should be able to talk through things (even if they get angry or upset initially) and work things out, right?

[Trialbyfire]

but one of those relationships ended 8 years ago and he is still angry with her

A classic example of the embittered man. BIG, RED FLAG!

 

Sometimes it takes awhile for the real man to show through. I don't think there are any definitive ways to tell upfront if a man is emotionally unavailable unless he tells you that he's not looking for a relationship. Even then, some of these guys change their minds.

 

Emotional immaturity is pretty easy to spot. He will over-react and be petulant about the most petty things. A grudge-holder who tends to be very selfish. "It's all about me."

[BubblyPopcorn]

A classic example of the embittered man. BIG, RED FLAG!

 

Sometimes it takes awhile for the real man to show through. I don't think there are any definitive ways to tell upfront if a man is emotionally unavailable unless he tells you that he's not looking for a relationship. Even then, some of these guys change their minds.

 

Emotional immaturity is pretty easy to spot. He will over-react and be petulant about the most petty things. A grudge-holder who tends to be very selfish. "It's all about me."

 

Very true.

[birdie]

yes I see petulance as the most obvious - and most annoying - sign of emotional immaturity. incredibly off-putting

[Lishy]

Hot and cold behaviour, unreliable and a childish way of dealing with problems, says he loves you too quick and mentions babies and marriage before he even knows you

 

Tells you he has never felt like this and how much he hates his ex or exes, disappears on you for days and never accepts responsibility for problems he has caused

[carhill]

OP, I use a gender non-specific guideline which I learned by applying to myself during MC.

 

Simply, emotion operating without the benefit of intellect.

 

Think about your interactions with your ex and apply the rule and see what you think.

 

I'm still guilty of this and, occasionally, you'll see signs of it in my postings here on LS. There are positive aspects to a man who is emotionally expressive but it is a healthy balance which appears to be the most satisfying and attractive. Your ex has a bit more work to do.

 

Tell me, did he tell you he loved you before or after he had sex with you?

[RichGuy]

Let me make the list female specific, and it'll describe some of the women in my life:

 

1. Hints about marriage even if you known her less than a year.

2. Wishy-washy feelings about your relationship.

3. She asks you not to use condoms, because she is "already on the pill". She wants to get impregnated as fast as possible.

4.They tell you that they love you too fast.

5.They aren't over their exes.

6. Considers getting attention of men around as "feminine".

7. Strong resentment towards their mom.

8. Dad issues.

9. Shows you off to friends.

[Trialbyfire]

Hot and cold behaviour, unreliable and a childish way of dealing with problems, says he loves you too quick and mentions babies and marriage before he even knows you

 

Tells you he has never felt like this and how much he hates his ex or exes, disappears on you for days and never accepts responsibility for problems he has caused

Hahahahahahahahahaha....THAT IS ALL!

 

This so reminds me of someone I know.

[Star Gazer]

Let me make the list female specific, and it'll describe some of the women in my life:

 

1. Hints about marriage even if you known her less than a year.

 

7. Strong resentment towards their mom.

8. Dad issues.

9. Shows you off to friends.

 

"Hints" about marriage make her emotionally immature or unavailable??? I completely disagree.

 

I have 7 and 8, and when I'm in love I absolutely do 9. I might have a tendency to invest quickly in guys I really like, but I'd hardly say I'm emotionally immature/unavailable. Quite the contrary.

[You'reasian]

So I'm just coming out a break up and I'm not quite ready to begin dating again yet...but before I do, I wanted to know what others think about what type of things/behaviors constitute emotional immaturity?

 

Both of the ex-boyfriends I've had who I was really in love with ended up being really emotionally immature in the end and unable to commit. With this current ex, he jumped into a relationship with me very quickly, said he loved me after 3 weeks, told me he was going to marry me after 2 months, and was sending me links to houses we could buy and pictures of engagement rings right up until a month before we broke up. So I thought that this was a person who was very emotionally available...Then in the last month he really withdrew, stopped calling, not communicating with me, etc. I have no idea what happened. But the way he played out the break up ended up being VERY emotionally immature.

 

I was also kind of concerned during the relationship because he still had a lot of anger at two of his ex-girlfriends who both cheated on him. Understandable that he was angry, but one of those relationships ended 8 years ago and he is still angry with her.

 

So what kinds of things do you think signal emotional immaturity?

 

 

If your man flat out says that he loves you and wants to be with you, take it for what it is - since we guys say what we mean. Don't try to spin it and look deeper than what its.

 

Lastly, we guys withdraw from relationships for a number of reasons:

 

1. You've got other guys swarming around you, asking you out and professing their love for you etc. and we're not in game playing mode.

 

2. You tell us that you are not interested or show us this in some form, whether by choice or by accident.

 

3. You disrespect us, play games and aren't upfront. And we'll generally bring up the issue to the forefront.

 

4. We have a significant differences in core values.

 

5. The relationship is dying for any of the above reasons and either needs some kind of intervention or to separate completely.

[movingonandon]

I think that you are making a big mistake by equating emotional immaturity with emotional unavailability. (Though I understand the female inclination to infuse unavailability in men with some quilt ).

 

Emotional immaturity is basically lack of self-awareness, lack of ability to understand the consequences of your actions and to take responsibility for them.

 

Emotional unavailability may be caused by many things, some pathological, some perfectly rational, e.g. a consious choice.

 

I can speak for myself and state that i will be emotionally unavailable until I have figured out what I expect from a woman or a relationship. This does not necessarily mean that I'm emotionally immature. If I'm 40 and still tell the same story, then perhaps it does, but the point is that people can me emotionally unavailable for *many* reasons, and immatiruty, while a possible one, is just one of them.

[jc]

OP, I use a gender non-specific guideline which I learned by applying to myself during MC.

 

Simply, emotion operating without the benefit of intellect.

 

Think about your interactions with your ex and apply the rule and see what you think.

 

Tell me, did he tell you he loved you before or after he had sex with you?

 

He told me he loved me after he had sex with me. When he told me (after only 3 weeks of dating) I told him that I felt that things were moving a bit too quickly and maybe we should slow down and not talk about love yet. He agreed. And then by the next week it was "I love you, I love you, I love you" from him. And I just gave in and let myself be swept away, because I felt the same way. I should have stuck with my initial instinct though and been a bit more cautious.

[jc]

If your man flat out says that he loves you and wants to be with you, take it for what it is - since we guys say what we mean. Don't try to spin it and look deeper than what its.

 

Lastly, we guys withdraw from relationships for a number of reasons:

 

1. You've got other guys swarming around you, asking you out and professing their love for you etc. and we're not in game playing mode.

 

2. You tell us that you are not interested or show us this in some form, whether by choice or by accident.

 

3. You disrespect us, play games and aren't upfront. And we'll generally bring up the issue to the forefront.

 

4. We have a significant differences in core values.

 

5. The relationship is dying for any of the above reasons and either needs some kind of intervention or to separate completely.

 

I have to say that I disagree. The idea that guys ALWAYS say what they mean is completely untrue. Sometimes guys embellish. Sometimes guys outright lie.

 

Or maybe he actually did think he meant it at the time, but was confusing love with infatuation. Which would point to emotional immaturity. Or maybe he just changed his mind and felt that he didn't love me anymore. I don't know.

 

None of the reasons you suggest through numbers 1-5 applied to my relationship or my breakup. Things were good. We were talking about getting engaged very soon. Then he didn't get the job he applied for, he got sick with a sinus infection, and he pretty much completely withdrew. Wouldn't talk about what was going on, stopped calling, etc.

 

My ex was emotionally immature. I'm not trying to put a spin on things and look deeper than it really is.

[SoulSearch_CO]

3. He won't use condoms.He wants to get you pregnant as fast as possible.

*beep* That's scary. This would be right up there with "Tries to smother you with pillow in your sleep."

[carhill]

He told me he loved me after he had sex with me. When he told me (after only 3 weeks of dating) I told him that I felt that things were moving a bit too quickly and maybe we should slow down and not talk about love yet. He agreed. And then by the next week it was "I love you, I love you, I love you" from him.

 

Interesting. OK, he didn't tell you he loved you as a tool to get sex from you; it was after. You felt things were moving too fast, but apparently were attracted and enjoyed the sex. Is is possible you tie different emotions to sex than he does/did? At that time, did his actions outside of sex match up with the words you were hearing from him?

 

Did he share any of the pain behind the anger he apparently had not yet resolved from his past R's?

 

How did you communicate your "in love" with him? Did you have sex with him because you were "in love"? Since he could have easily kept the sexual intimacy going merely by continuing to engage you (I'm presuming), why do you think he withdrew?

 

How long were you together, in total?

[You'reasian]

I have to say that I disagree. The idea that guys ALWAYS say what they mean is completely untrue. Sometimes guys embellish. Sometimes guys outright lie.

 

Or maybe he actually did think he meant it at the time, but was confusing love with infatuation. Which would point to emotional immaturity. Or maybe he just changed his mind and felt that he didn't love me anymore. I don't know.

 

None of the reasons you suggest through numbers 1-5 applied to my relationship or my breakup. Things were good. We were talking about getting engaged very soon. Then he didn't get the job he applied for, he got sick with a sinus infection, and he pretty much completely withdrew. Wouldn't talk about what was going on, stopped calling, etc.

 

My ex was emotionally immature. I'm not trying to put a spin on things and look deeper than it really is.

 

I take it he's not an Alpha male?

 

How do you deduce that this man is emotionally immature based on his withdrawing from the relationship?

 

You're not presenting all the information.