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I Snooped in his phone and found out he's reminiscing and INTERESTED in his EX!!!


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Old 29th December 2008, 3:22 PM   #1
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I Snooped in his phone and found out he's reminiscing and INTERESTED in his EX!!!

My boyfriend of 7 years has been acting strange. He's giving off signs that he's maybe seeing somebody else. In the past we've been through something like this where he was seeing somebody else, it ended up being a huge mistake that he very much regretted, and we got through that and things have been great since.

But the past couple weeks he has been acting distant, not calling back nights he said he would, making up excuses to not hang out when we usually always are spending nights together.

Anyway, last night he spent the night over my house and when he was sleeping I went into his phone to check and see if I could see if anything was going on. I know, that was awful for me to snoop, but I just had to know. Well I found text messages between him and his ex.. He dated her before me about 8 years ago. I guess they hung out a few days ago and he texted how amazing he felt that night. They reminisced of the great times they had back when they were going out 8 years ago. He asked her if she had any feelings interest in being his girl again. She replied that she couldn't answer that right now. Those messages were sent just hours before he came over my house to spend the night.

I'm so shocked and almost in tears right now. I didn't confront him about this because to tell him I know this, he will know that I snooped through his phone! What I said is that I had a weird feeling, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else, which he denied, he asked why I asked that, and I just said I felt he was acting different and I had a bad feeling. I asked if he was happy in our relationship and he said, yes he's very happy.

I don't know what to do.

New Years Eve is in a couple days and we have plans to hang out, but I have a feeling something will "come up" and he'll cancel with some lame excuse (because he'll want to be with her). Just predicting.

Trying to prepare myself - what I'll say if he pulls that one.

It's hard knowing this is a girl he had so much history with and he loved at one time. Can all those feelings and emotions come back and overtake his feelings and love for me?

I can't get that text message out of my head now. So heartbroken and I don't know how to confront him since I snooped to find this all out!

Please help, any opinions/advise/suggestions is so very appreciated!!
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Old 29th December 2008, 3:27 PM   #2
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I am not a big fan at snooping on phones, computers, etc... However when you have a feeling that something is wrong than I guess it is okay. You have to choices tell me that there you know that there is something is off in your relationship and if he denies it. Push him away, tell him you need time to yourself. And wait and see what happens.

Or go full throttle and tell that you had a feeling that something was wrong and snooped. But be prepared for a lot of distrust in the future and less honesty from him. Once someone finds out their SO, there are passwords on everything and it will be like that forever.
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Old 29th December 2008, 3:28 PM   #3
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I think the only way you're going to get past this is to tell him you checked his 'phone.
If he gets mad, all you have to say is that it turns out you were justified. Two wrongs don't make a right, you realise that, but you figure his sh*t is worse than yours, and at least you're being honest with him, which is more than he can say.

This, in my book is a deal-breaker.
You might well start the New Year on your own, but it will be his loss, not yours.
Shoulders back girl, and face it head on.
You're better than this.
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Old 29th December 2008, 3:50 PM   #4
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The harder you fight to keep this from happening, the more determined he will be to make it happen.

Sometimes you have to turn it on them: wait til he is gone, pack up all of this things that he has there, and when he gets there hand him his things and wish him well in his new life with his old ex. Then shut the door and lock him out. No need to address the situation, or even bring it up. You know the deal. So does he.

By doing this, you are showing him that by being involved with the ex, he will be shutting the door on his involvement with you.

If he does not come back, and ends up with his ex it will not be because you forced him out. It will be because he wanted to be there, and did not want to fight for your relationship.
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Old 29th December 2008, 3:55 PM   #5
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Do not feel guilty for snooping. He cheated on your in the past so it's not like he's a lily white angel. Add that to the 'vibe' you've been feeling (women "know" when something is amiss) and all you did was search for some answers. In this day and age of sexually transmitted diseases (some that are lasting and life threatening), you had every right to try to get to the bottom of things.

I don't know why you're so afraid to admit that you snooped and found the incriminating info that you found. At this point, what does it matter if he twists it around and tries to take the focus off of himself and put it onto you for snooping? None of "that" changes or minimized the information you discovered.

How disgusting that only a few hours before he was at your place and spending the night with you, he was professing his feelings to an ex and asking if she felt the same.

To hell with NYE. You need to confront him and be confident when doing so. You have done nothing wrong. This spineless wimp doesn't deserve someone as good as you.

Do not try to keep this under your hat, all because you don't want to be alone at New Year's.....that's crazy. Would you want to be with a man who, deep down, is thinking of someone else while sitting there with you?....who is sneaking off to text an ex he has obvious feelings for, while putting on an act and pretending he's "very happy" with you? What an arsehole.

It's bad enough that your forgave him once for cheating and betraying..............do not do that again.

In a very matter of fact confident manner, advise him that you're well aware of his secret conversations with his ex, that he's been recently spending time with her -- and you have lost all respect for him, he is not a man, and you are done - for good this time.
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Old 29th December 2008, 6:28 PM   #6
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I've had ex-girlfriends call me years later and ask me if I still had feeelings for them or how I felt about them when we were together. It doesn't mean anything, they're not flirting or loooking to hook up with me, they're just curious, questioning their choices in life, regretting their mistakes, or whatever... btw, I've had girls check my phone or computer, there's ways to know if somebody's snooping, I always lose trust in them and it's never the same afterwards
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Old 29th December 2008, 8:31 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
The harder you fight to keep this from happening, the more determined he will be to make it happen.

Sometimes you have to turn it on them: wait til he is gone, pack up all of this things that he has there, and when he gets there hand him his things and wish him well in his new life with his old ex. Then shut the door and lock him out. No need to address the situation, or even bring it up. You know the deal. So does he.

By doing this, you are showing him that by being involved with the ex, he will be shutting the door on his involvement with you.

If he does not come back, and ends up with his ex it will not be because you forced him out. It will be because he wanted to be there, and did not want to fight for your relationship.
I couldn't agree more.

To the OP: I can completely empathize with you and my heart goes out to you. I had a VERY similar situation happen to me. I snooped through my boyfriend at the time's phone (he had a history of being a bit untrustworthy, although I thought we had worked it out) and found text messages to his ex-girlfriend - one of which said, "You know I still love you baby."

All the while he is sleeping in my bed, coming over to my apartment acting all lovey dovey while only hours before he was saying that to his ex. He eventually swore to me that he wouldn't talk to her ever again and called her telling her that he loved me and not her and didn't want to communicate with her anymore. But do you think it worked?? NO. I guess it just added to the appeal of their "forbidden love" Like LB said, the harder you try to prevent it from happening the more they will want to do it. I like her idea...I can tell you that I wish I would have just ended it then and let her have him rather than try to fight for him like I did. All it was in the end was a waste of time.
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Old 29th December 2008, 8:52 PM   #8
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I think snooping can never end well (i have snooped myself)

it seems like, if you find something, then your upset and things are awkward between you and ur parter. If you don;t find anything you feel you have let yourself and your partner down, as you lack trust.

In this situation you have found somehting which is clearly incriminating against your BF. If he doesn't already know, then you've got to think if your willing to admit to snooping. If you are. you have to make sure that he doesnt turn this around on you.

Althougn you were in the wrong to snoop, he gave you reason to suspect. and in the bigger picture, he is going behind your back, which to me is worse than you reading his texts.

I hope everything works out for you, as i have been in your situation and i know it is a horrible place to be. x
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Old 29th December 2008, 11:05 PM   #9
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Typically, when you have the urge to look through someone's phone, etc. there is a justified reason behind it. That in itself is a huge detector.

At this point, it's really up to you. If you hadn't found anything in his phone, what would you be feeling right now? Relieved for the moment? Would it make you trust this individual since nothing was found? However, in this scenario, you did find something, and something which has you very upset.

I believe people have the right to be confused, but what's his motive? What's he looking to get from speaking with her? If he wants a relationship, why would you want to stay with him?

However you handle the situation, tread carefully.
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Old 30th December 2008, 12:55 AM   #10
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I wouldn't be able to forget that he asked his ex if she would be interested in being his gf again. That would be the end of the line for me. I would be pre-emptive and either pull away from him, or end the relationship completely. Who gives a fig if you looked at his phone? You feel guilty about that, while he's pursuing someone else behind your back?

There's no way you can win in this situation by tolerating this kind of behavior. Don't sit around and wait for him to act, it only makes things worse. He'll lie to you until the cows come home. Once you give him his freedom, he will figure out who he wants to be with faster. Not being able to be with his ex just makes her more appealing. Take away the appeal. Just disappear or stop answering your phone. Make your own excuse for New Year's Eve and bow out. Just pull away and do it quickly. I know it hurts but don't ever sit around while someone does this kind of crap behind your back.
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Old 30th December 2008, 1:04 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
The harder you fight to keep this from happening, the more determined he will be to make it happen.

Sometimes you have to turn it on them: wait til he is gone, pack up all of this things that he has there, and when he gets there hand him his things and wish him well in his new life with his old ex. Then shut the door and lock him out. No need to address the situation, or even bring it up. You know the deal. So does he.

By doing this, you are showing him that by being involved with the ex, he will be shutting the door on his involvement with you.

If he does not come back, and ends up with his ex it will not be because you forced him out. It will be because he wanted to be there, and did not want to fight for your relationship.
Bingo. Do not allow this to become his choice between you and his ex. Or that you are his fall-back if his ex decides she doesn't want him. Or worse, that he cheats on you with the ex until he's ready to break up with you.

Make it YOUR choice to dump him. You don't want a guy like this in your bed or in your life. If he can deceive you like this, his heart is not in the right place.

There is no need to address it or explain how you know about him and his ex. You know. He knows. He can drive himself crazy wondering how you know on top of losing you by his deceitful actions.
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Old 30th December 2008, 1:19 AM   #12
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Even if you hadn't snooped and found the texts this issue would still be there. You knew something was up by the way he was acting and you were right. Plus, after 7 YEARS with you it shouldn't matter how much history he had with her. He already cheated on you once (that you know of) and now he's being dishonest again and acting distant instead of communicating with you.

I think that a serious talk might be needed. Confront him about his behavior and don't let him brush you off. Don't ask him hat's wrong TELL him what's wrong in your eyes and tell him to call you when he's ready to be honest.
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Old 30th December 2008, 1:32 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Kay022 View Post
to tell him I know this, he will know that I snooped through his phone!



I don't know what to do.
... Oh yes you do!
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Old 30th December 2008, 5:34 AM   #14
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may I ask something completely different? why aren't you living together after being in a relationship for 7 years? is the relationship going anywhere?
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Old 30th December 2008, 9:20 AM   #15
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may I ask something completely different? why aren't you living together after being in a relationship for 7 years? is the relationship going anywhere?
My thoughts exactly. Or, why haven't they gotten married by now?
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