My girl friend wants to go to another guy's fraternity event

[bob3]

Ok, this is the story. On christmas eve my girlfriend just out of the blue told me that she was going to a fraternity event with another guy. I reacted at first by laughing it off by laughing, because i thought she was joking, and then i went silent , and then i hung up. I called he back and she said that her best guy friend from highschool asked her, back in the summer, and she told him she would go with him to his mt. weekend for the weekend. Well about a month later we started dating. We have been dating for 5 months now. She says that she he needs a date and he wants her to go with him as a friend. Furthermore, she says he looks like Frankenstein and he has never been able to get a date not even for his highschool prom, and he cant even get another girl to go with him as a freind. He is in a fraternity that is made up of mostly engineering nerds. I completely have faith that she wont cheat on me, but I'm not cool with it. So i told her not do that to me, and we got into argument. It basically ended with her saying f%%k you and if you dont let me go im going to hate you for it. Then her hanging up. What a christmas present

 

I guess im only 21 but I feel like you can't be in a relationship with someone and be someone else's date for an event, even if it is just as friends. Especially a fraternity mt. weekend. I myself am in a fraternity and i can say that a Mt. Week pretty much consists of guys renting a lodge and getting really drunk and really horny at the same time. My girlfriend even said the same thing about my fraternity when she went to my mountain weekend, when she observed some of my fraternity brothers. I would say the majority of guys there are looking to get laid, even though alot of them bring dates that are girls that are friends, and nothing at all happens. This is just from my own experiences.

 

The next morning I talked to her and told her how i felt, how upset she made me, and how i wasn't even able to sleep that night. She apologized and told me never in a million years would have thought it would have been that big of a deal to me. Then she told me she thought I was being irrational and blowing it out of proportion, but she wouldnt go, because she loves me and doesnt want to hurt me. I talked to her today about it and i told her i was still kind of upset about it. She didnt understand why I was upset, because I had won, and that she should be upset with me.

 

My question is ,am I being irrational, and should I continue to bring it up or should I just drop it? I'm not going to dump my girlfriend or anything, because we get along great. Its just this little situation doesn't seem right.

[moonshadow]

Ok, this is the story. On christmas eve my girlfriend just out of the blue told me that she was going to a fraternity event with another guy. I reacted at first by laughing it off by laughing, because i thought she was joking, and then i went silent , and then i hung up. I called he back and she said that her best guy friend from highschool asked her, back in the summer, and she told him she would go with him to his mt. weekend for the weekend. Well about a month later we started dating. We have been dating for 5 months now. She says that she he needs a date and he wants her to go with him as a friend. Furthermore, she says he looks like Frankenstein and he has never been able to get a date not even for his highschool prom, and he cant even get another girl to go with him as a freind. He is in a fraternity that is made up of mostly engineering nerds. I completely have faith that she wont cheat on me, but I'm not cool with it. So i told her not do that to me, and we got into argument. It basically ended with her saying f%%k you and if you dont let me go im going to hate you for it. Then her hanging up. What a christmas present

 

I guess im only 21 but I feel like you can't be in a relationship with someone and be someone else's date for an event, even if it is just as friends. Especially a fraternity mt. weekend. I myself am in a fraternity and i can say that a Mt. Week pretty much consists of guys renting a lodge and getting really drunk and really horny at the same time. My girlfriend even said the same thing about my fraternity when she went to my mountain weekend, when she observed some of my fraternity brothers. I would say the majority of guys there are looking to get laid, even though alot of them bring dates that are girls that are friends, and nothing at all happens. This is just from my own experiences.

 

The next morning I talked to her and told her how i felt, how upset she made me, and how i wasn't even able to sleep that night. She apologized and told me never in a million years would have thought it would have been that big of a deal to me. Then she told me she thought I was being irrational and blowing it out of proportion, but she wouldnt go, because she loves me and doesnt want to hurt me. I talked to her today about it and i told her i was still kind of upset about it. She didnt understand why I was upset, because I had won, and that she should be upset with me.

 

My question is ,am I being irrational, and should I continue to bring it up or should I just drop it? I'm not going to dump my girlfriend or anything, because we get along great. Its just this little situation doesn't seem right.

 

A tough situation.

 

If it's true that her friend is a dork and has never been able to get a date, I feel very sorry for him and if she committed to attended this with him, prior to beginning a relationship with him, he's likely going to be devastated that she's cancelling on him now. Did you look him up on Facebook or Myspace to see what he looks like? LOL

 

Have you ever met him? Is there anyway you could meet him? - have her introduce you to him, so that he knows you exist (not saying she'd keep your existence from him but....) and you could maybe take him aside and tell him that you're counting on him to take good care of her?

 

So it's not really him that you don't trust, it's more the environment that she'll be in for that entire weekend - right?

[kashmir]

She says that she he needs a date and he wants her to go with him as a friend. Furthermore, she says he looks like Frankenstein and he has never been able to get a date not even for his highschool prom, and he cant even get another girl to go with him as a freind. He is in a fraternity that is made up of mostly engineering nerds. I completely have faith that she wont cheat on me, but I'm not cool with it.

 

Why aren't you cool with it if you have complete faith in her?

 

Look man, I don't like to judge people based on some text I see they post, but from what you wrote, you strike me as an insecure douche. It doesn't mean you are, but you're coming across that way.

 

First, you feel you have to put this other guy down in order to assure yourself that your girlfriend won't cheat. That's really crappy.

 

Second, you're thinking that this guy is so undesirable and below you that your girlfriend couldn't possibly cheat, but if that's the case then why are you not cool with her going?

 

A few weeks ago I went to see a play with my friend. His girlfriend was in the play, and in a few scenes she did some sexual stuff with another guy, including kissing him. My friend was fine with it, because he trusted her. Your girlfriend was asked to go to some dumb frat event, and you apparently aren't secure with her enough not to worry. Give the girl some space and give her guy friend a break.

[bob3]

Its not really a matter of trust to me. I trust that she wouldnt cheat on me.

 

 

I dont know the guy. He goes to another school where I know noone, and I know noone in his fraternity. All I have to go by is what she has told me about him. My description of him is exactly what she said. Im quoting her word for word.

 

It is kind of a two fold situation. I personally dont believe that a man or women in a relationship should be someone elses date even if it is just as a friend for things like a prom in highschool, or a fraternity event, or wedding date. To me it directly downplays the significance of our relationship. If i knew the guy, and trusted him it might be different, but thats not the case.

 

Also a mt weekend is in her words... is when a bunch of guys just get drunk and look for sex. That pretty much sums it up. Its just a giant party, where every guy brings a date who decorates a cooler. The guy returns the favor by paying for a room. Some of my fraternity brothers bring dates who are friends, and the guy will like sleep on the couch or floor and let the girl sleep on the bed. However, I don't trust a bunch of people I dont know. Like im absolutely cool with her going out to a bar with her friends, but this is like a completely different situation.

[bob3]

Also, my girlfriend kind of has a problem drinking. Lets just say that is an understatement. I myself have kind of cut back on the partying I do, just to make sure she is ok.

 

 

So the fact of the matter is I'm kind of afraid she will get drunk and pass out, and something will happen to her. Like I'm not afraid of her cheating on me when she gets drunk, so much as her getting drunk and raped, because she is with a bunch of sex deprived drunk, horny guys. I think fraternities are great thing, but i also know of some chapters doing really horrible things such as putting zanex in the punch, and then having sex with girls while they are unconscious.

 

Also, dont think Im frat douche bag. My fraternity is the only fraternity on my campus that is multi racial, and we are the only fraternity to have gays and bi's. So i think that makes me pretty progressive.

[moonshadow]

Also, my girlfriend kind of has a problem drinking. Lets just say that is an understatement. I myself have kind of cut back on the partying I do, just to make sure she is ok.

 

 

So the fact of the matter is I'm kind of afraid she will get drunk and pass out, and something will happen to her. Like I'm not afraid of her cheating on me when she gets drunk, so much as her getting drunk and raped, because she is with a bunch of sex deprived drunk, horny guys. I think fraternities are great thing, but i also know of some chapters doing really horrible things such as putting zanex in the punch, and then having sex with girls while they are unconscious.

 

Also, dont think Im frat douche bag. My fraternity is the only fraternity on my campus that is multi racial, and we are the only fraternity to have gays and bi's. So i think that makes me pretty progressive.

 

I can see your point of view better now. It does seem like a pretty iffy situation she'd be putting herself in, from a safety point of view.

 

It does seem weird, to be in a relationship and your partner is going as a 'date' with someone else to some function. that's just kind of bizarre.

 

So she said she won't be going -- do you think she'll resent you for having to change her plans or are things really cool between you both now?

[bob3]

I think she is mad at me, but I mean i guess just going to have to deal with it.

 

Like when I said she had a problem with drinking I really meant it. Here is an example. 2 months ago she was at the bar with her friends and she decided to leave early when she was just really ****ing drunk so she asked like 3 random guys she had just met like 5 minutes earlier to drop her off at her room. Well they did, and after they dropped her off the vandalized the campus. The secuirty cameras saw them dropping her off, so campus safety questioned her, but she was to drunk to remeber anything. So the campus is now charging her with vandalism, because she "invited' them onto campus.

 

So like with prior history like that can you see why I would be insecure about her being in a situation like that.

[bob3]

Things are pretty cool between us now, it just really bugs me that she cant see where im coming from or why im upset that she wanted to go, because i "won".

[Star Gazer]

Things are pretty cool between us now, it just really bugs me that she cant see where im coming from or why im upset that she wanted to go, because i "won".

 

So in other words, YOU think things are cool now because YOU got your way?

 

I've taken platonic friends to events while dating someone else due to a pre-arranged commitment to the friend or my SO's unavailability. It's never been a problem for me, probably because I've dated men who have trusted ME.

[Charles1978]

Bob, I was in a fraternity as well. And I think you are right to be upset. However, as I'm sure was the case with your fraternity, you always have a few guys who can never get dates. My fraternity at LSU had over 100 guys, so not all of them could get dates. I was dating a girl the whole time I was there... 4 yrs. But for the events that I couldn't go to, a friend of mine would take her... he couldn't get a date usually. However, that's a different situation. I knew who she was going with. He was a great friend of mine, and is to this day.

 

However, this is not a good situation. I would be a little mad myself. What do you know about this guy? If he obviously has difficulties getting a date, I wouldn't worry about it. I don't know what a mountain weekend is, as we never had such a thing. But down here, we would go to the beaches at Destin, FL from time to time. And I can tell you... I would NEVER let my girlfriend go to one of those events with someone I didn't know from another fraternity because those really were hook-up fests. Find out more about this guy before you attack your girlfriend about it. But on the face of it... I see nothing wrong with your reaction. Good Luck!

[RecordProducer]

Bob, I totally agree with you. Your GF will get drunk around a bunch of strangers - drunk sexual opportunists. It's neither safe for her nor nice of her. If she were my GF, I'd have a problem respecting her for wanting to go more than lacking trust.

 

Regarding the commitment, it was made when she was single. The circumstances have changed. What if she had a baby and no one to baby-sit, would she be obligated to go? Screw promises to quasi-friends that include drunken parties. It's not the end of the world if this Frankestein shows up dateless. There are more important stuff in this world than fraternity parties.

[Taramere]

Also, my girlfriend kind of has a problem drinking. Lets just say that is an understatement. I myself have kind of cut back on the partying I do, just to make sure she is ok.

 

 

So the fact of the matter is I'm kind of afraid she will get drunk and pass out, and something will happen to her. Like I'm not afraid of her cheating on me when she gets drunk, so much as her getting drunk and raped, because she is with a bunch of sex deprived drunk, horny guys. I think fraternities are great thing, but i also know of some chapters doing really horrible things such as putting zanex in the punch, and then having sex with girls while they are unconscious.

 

So there's a lot more to this than simply annoyance about her agreeing to play the date role to help a friend save face at a frat party. You've mentioned (later on in the thread) one example where she could have got into a very tricky situation as a result of booze and poor judgement. The same could be said of many, many people...but you're suggesting that with your gf it goes beyond the norm. That she has a bit of a problem with alcohol. To the extent that you're frequently having to cramp your own partying style in order to watch out for her.

 

This guy was her best friend in High School. By her account, he's a nerd who wasn't able to get a date for Prom. I suppose my automatic question from that information would be, what circumstances brought her and this guy together in High School? To the point where she classes him as her best friend?

 

Is she comfortable with who she was in High School? If she's drinking a lot, is it because she feels that she needs alcohol in order to cope with social events? Does she subscribe to the thinking that you're not having a good time unless you end the night paralytic and vomiting? I think if she's demonstrated on a number of occasions that she's someone who needs "looking after" when she's out (ie because she hasn't learned to handle drink) then it's not surprising that you'd be concerned for her safety.

 

Even if Frankenstein is a good bloke....from the sound of things it's an issue for him to turn up at this party without a date. So much so that he needs to inveigle a female friend (one who now has a boyfriend) into going with him. That suggests he isn't particularly confident in his peer group - nerds though they may well be. If his emphasis is on saving face in front of his friends by pretending he has a date - regardless of what problems that may cause between his "date" and her boyfriend - then I wouldn't have much faith in his ability to keep your girlfriend safe if she ends up drinking too much. Not that anyone should have to fulfil that role in any case.

 

Your gf needs to get a grip. To either abstain from drinking altogether.... or handle it properly, instead of behaving like a 15 year old girl who's been left with the run of her parents' drinks cabinet (which is how I read her drinking behaviour, from your description). It shouldn't be anyone's job to continually curtail their own good time because she's out of control and putting herself at risk.

 

My question is, are you going to address that with her...or were you planning to carry on taking the protective parent role whenever the two of you are out together?

[kashmir]

Bob,

 

I apologize for being a bit of an ass with my last post. Forgive me, but I always get pissed with anything having to do with frats (I don't have good experiences with them). Thus, I can be prejudice, which isn't a good thing.

 

I didn't see both sides, and after reading some more of what you wrote, I think you have a right to be a bit concerned. Your girlfriend over-doing drinking combined with whatever this horny-dude mountain weekend is something clearly to be concerned about. I also agree with Taramere, that it seems like this guy having a date to some frat event is important to this guy, which is an indicator that he might not be so trustworthy, despite being her good friend.

 

As you and others said, it's the environment combined with her drinking that's problematic. If she was going to an event with lots of other people on the campus that didn't last a whole weekend, then you wouldn't have a problem. The fact that she's spending at least a night in an isolated mountain lodge with a bunch of horny drunk guys is troublesome. Plus, they're engineers, meaning REALLY horny. Nothing against them, they work harder than everyone else and deserve some lovin just as much as the next guy (and they're almost always surrounded by guys only), so you've gotta cut them some slack (I was once one myself =p), but not at the expense of your girlfriend.

 

I'd say tell her you'd feel comfortable if she went to some other event with this guy, like a bar or something...that would be a decent compromise. If she still tells you to f*** off then she's being unreasonable. You have a right to look out for her.

[bob3]

I told her that I wouldnt care if she like went and ate dinner, hung out with him at a bar, or anything thats perfectly fine with me. I just have a problem with her being another guys date for an event, especially a giant fraternity party that last a weekend were she is isolated up in the boondocks at some mountain lodge. Plus I was like you went even promise me you wont drink, and she is like i shouldnt have to make that promise. Which makes me or uneasy.

 

Like im a pretty old school guy. I wouldnt go as some else's date even as a friend. Like I said I feel it downplays the relationship. Thats just my oppinion, and im sure of you agree and disagree. Like i said i might be ok if it was under different circumstances, but this is the hand i have been dealt.

 

Also, she has kind of cut back with her drinking, but still on random nights, and especially big parties she lets go, and it gets on my nerves, because she gets genuinely upset with me over things i think are completely stupid. When i was talking to one my top 3 friends that is a girl, she yelled **** you and walked left. So i left and followed her, and she said that i was flirting with a slut. I was like no sally is one of my best friends, she dated my best friend all last year, nothing would ever happen between us. Like my friend sally even heard my girlfriend say she was a slut. Then the very next week at a halloween party when there where a group of girls i am friends with around, she told a girl that was a freshmen that most girls just come here looking for free booze or a guy to ****. Directly insulting 5 of my friends that are girls.

 

I mean i just kind of feel like I have a right to be upset, and like i don't know how to explain to her why I am upset. When she think that she is the one who should be mad at me, because she agreed not to go.

[mental_traveller]

Bob3 - I think you're missing the point here. Your gf is clearly a bitch who disrespects your friends, and you should dump her for that, rather than worry about niceties like whether she should go to a party or not.

[Ayemtee]

Man your girlfriend needs to stop being so full of herself and lighten up. She wants to get hosed around a bunch of horny guys but tosses a fit when you talk to a female friend? **** that. Can that broad's punkass and get you a girl worth stressing over.

[bozwa]

I agree with you. I wouldn't be comfortable with my BF spending time alone with girl friends either, regardless if it's just a "friends" siatuation, it still would make me uncomfortable. Can they invite you along for the weekend? Is there a reason this can't happen? You'd be happy, she'd be happy. Right?

 

Beyond that, I DO, however, believe that, YES, you should drop it. She's already agreed not to go (which ofcourse she's going to be upset about), so stop bringing it up. There is no sense in dwelling on it and beating it into the ground.