Im angry! Really angry!!!!!!!!

[SarahT111]

So as you can tell by the title im having big issues controlling my anger right now! Please help me before I do something stupid!!

 

*Slight recap*

 

I think my ex bf is gay

We split up just over a month ago and I was utterly devastated!!!

His excuse was that he was feeling to lazy for a relationship and he hasn't talked to me since.

 

He had become so distant with me, he stopped talking and was SO moody! He would go nuts over the drop of a hat!

He stopped caring about me, he never asked about me when he did talk and if I told him something about my day he didnt reply.

I on the other hand was the stupid gf who sat around and took it. I would have paid to make him happy. I loved him so much.

 

He had an intimacy problem tho (I aplolgise for giving to much detail here but I want honest answers)

He could get it up but never keep it up. We never had sex as he couldnt do it.

Now im not the most attractive girl out there but I dont think im so ugly that he couldnt have sex with me. I have never had that problem with others!

He has had sex with his last gf however (over a year ago)

 

Anyway a week after our split another guy approached me and told me my ex wasn't straight.

They had a 'thing' going on before we got together. He showed me photos that my ex bf had sent him posing in his underwear and showed me txts my ex had sent saying he really liked him and inviting him to stay with him.

My ex is 20 and has only had gfnds to date.

 

Everything at that moment just added up and I feel so hurt and angry!!!!!

 

While I was with my ex he acted like a total homophobic, said he hated gays and wouldnt go near them..

Now I feel like I have been lied to. I worked my ass off to make him happy and he was lying to me the whole time. I spent so much dam money on him to.

 

I am so angry at myself for taking all his crap. He literally got the to point where he would ignore me for days on end then I would try and talk to he would scream at me for no reason at all.

I feel so angry at him for treating me like this and so angry at myself for letting him do it.

 

 

Anyway my first question is do you think he is gay? Or am I flying off the handle and making crazy assumptions?

 

Secondly how do I control my hurt and anger over this? It has gotten so much worse as time goes by. I want him to know I know everything!!

I want to tell him I saw the photos and that I know hes not straight!!

Im so mad at him for the way he treated me and now for not being honest! I want revenge!! But I cant do it as im not a bad person and I literally cant hurt someone!

 

I lie awake at night and I cant get it off my mind, I get so angry that I burst into tears.

Im really frustrated with myself and DONT want to go on feeling like this. I WANT to move on and let this go but how?

 

Thanks for reading!

[Geishawhelk]

No, go ahead.

Do something "stupid".

It might help you move on.

 

What did you have in mind?

Providing it's not physically harming, it may do you some good!

 

You really are going to have to drop the 'poor me' at some point.

Your ex-BF is Gay.

 

So what?

he's an ex BF.

Whatever his issues are, they're HIS issues.

Not yours.

Not any longer.

Drop it.

 

Ok, let me tell you.

I have an ex BF who is also gay.

He was my BF for 18 months.

He was in denial for 4 months after we split.

All I did the whole time, was support him, have tremendous sympathy for him, and help him through his tough time.

We became best of friends.

We've lost touch now (he moved to Jamaica) but he was a great buddy.

 

Try to get over it.

This isn't all about you.

OK?

[SoulSearch_CO]

Sounds like him being with you was his effort to prove to himself that he was not gay. It's actually pretty common for guys in the closet to be homophobic - they don't want people to tie them to that lifestyle. It's really unfortunate that you got caught up in his sick little attack against himself. I would be angry about that, too. But as for him lying to you - sounds to me like he was working hard to lie to himself! That's really sad. Hopefully he decides to just own up to it and be himself. He's obviously making himself (and people around him) miserable.

 

How does his family feel about homosexuality? It's possible he feels a great deal of pressure from his family to keep things under wraps.

[SarahT111]

Thanks for your replies!

 

I understand its not about me, however things were going so well between us and then all of a sudden he became angry and sooooo moody!

Then finally he dumps he as he is 'to lazy for a relationship'

I knew there was something more to it but I didnt probe as I actually thought he left me for another girl.

 

Then I met the other male whom my ex had a fling with and got so confused so I came here for answers. Sorry to sound like a broken record sometimes, I just got very confused, angry and hurt all at once!

 

Being gay is DEFIANTLY not something I could bring up with him. He would go absolutly nuts!!!!!! I would lose him forever as a friend (something I hope we can establish maybe later on)

His family are nice and im sure they would be supportive but he is their only child and they are always saying how they cant wait to have grandkids etc so maybe he feels like he is letting them down?

 

Anyway all this gay talk aside, im not sure how I would feel if I found out he was dating another girl ..

I have a feeling that is what he will do and i'll be even more confused and feel like even more of a let down!!

Again I know its not about me but the whole situation seems to have really messsed with my head!

 

Maybe he just went through a gay phase? I mean he has been with girls before?

But then again he did send photos to this guy in his posing in his underwear, invite him to stay with him and did confess he liked him. I maybe could have brushed that aside but when he couldnt perform in bed I started to worry.

I dont know! Im so confused, and yes I understand its not about me but I like to prepare myself for whats to come.

 

Im still feeling so angry! I want to tell him I know everything, that would wipe the smile off his face.

I hate it that he is out there all happy after he totally lied and mucked me around and im the one who ended up hurt and lied to!

 

Ahhh

[Geishawhelk]

My point is -

Why is the hell any of this, any of your business....?!??!

 

You're not a part of his life any more.

He can do what the hell he likes.

He can date girls, guys, horses sheep and goats, for all that matters, because it's nothing to do with you!!

 

Why are you still banging on about something that happened.... and over which you had no control over anyway?

 

Leave him alone, let him live his life!

And now, start living yours!

 

Let GO!!

[fishtaco]

He's a closet gay. The suffering and stress that closet gays have to go through is worse than what you're feeling now. One of my good friend's ex boyfriend was a closet gay too. He came out finally several years ago and we had a coming out party for him at my house. After talking to him I realized how horrible it is to live your life as a closet gay person. In fact before he came out he was a jerk. Now he's a cool guy and he could actually relax.

 

He picked you because you would make him appear straight. Why? Because other straight guys would date you too. Remember, the goal of a closet gay is to emulate what they think straight guys do. Obviously dating you would be a very straight guy thing to do, i.e. in his eyes, straight guys want you.

 

And there is no "gay phase". Straight men don't do men, period. You should just let him be. He has A LOT of issues he needs to work out. In the meantime, you should just move on. There are a lot of straight guys out there that'd be more than happy to date you.

 

Not saying what he did was right. But he didn't do these things out of malice. He did it because he's mentally sick -- only way to cure it is if he comes out of the closet and just be openly gay. Then he would be back to his normal self.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but check out the break-up forum here on LS. A lot of discussion about going NC (no contact). I think that would be a good thing for you now.

[SarahT111]

Thanks heaps fishtaco,

 

That was a really lovely response!

I understand completely how he must be feeling. I know he doesn't want to be gay so he must really be struggling with his feelings.

I do want to be there for him in a way but im also a bit angry over what happened.

I guess the way he treated me makes sense now, but he hurt me so bad! He had me in tears almost everyday for a month because of the way he was treating me.

He had me crying a night before my final exam! Then when I broke my fingers and was a bit upset about it all he said was 'hehe'.

I understand now why he was like that as he was probably fighting his own feelings im just still a bit hurt over it.

I really did out my best effort into being the best gf I could and I thought I deserved more than that.

 

Im trying to move on and I understand that I should let him be for sure, its just that I actually loved this guy. He was a huge part of my life, and also my best friend before hand for 6 years so Its a big sense of loss I guess.

It sounds silly but he was the perfect guy for me, I dont want anyone else, I dont feel I could be happy with another like I was with him.

Im hurting because the guy I loved is seeminly not there anymore!

It all messing with my head.

 

But again fishtaco thankyou so much for your post. It was very helpful and helped open my eyes to things.

Do you think I should stay nc or try and help him?

Im just a bit worried if I do help him he will fly off the handle and get so angry at me.

I miss him so much as my bestfriend however not to mention boyfriend!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I think the important thing for you to focus on now, Sarah, is why you allowed that behavior to happen. He wasn't treating you well at all, but you accepted it. That is your problem to solve. Not his closet issues.

 

Good luck. Eventually the hurt will go away. Yes, I dated a gay, too!

[SarahT111]

Thanks cherryblossom!

Yes that was really bad on my part to let that continue.

I just thought it was maybe a phase and he would return to normal but he never did.

You say you dated a gay to?

For how long? Could you tell me a bit about it?

Sorry to question you, this is my first experience with this!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Yeah, I dated him for about 3 months when I was in my mid-twenties. He was about 23, 24 I think at the time. We had a lot of fun together and the relationship was very easy, but there were some issues in the bedroom. He would lose his hard-on all the time. Kind of an ego killer for me! I had never experienced that before. He always had an excuse for it, like too much alcohol or too tired or something. There were other little clues, but I don't remember everything. The end came one night when we were in bed. I was trying to have a little fun in bed, so I asked him what he would want me to be if he could have me be anything at that moment. I thought he was going to say Playboy bunny, Catholic schoolgirl, topless tennis player...anything but what he actually said- a MAN! I said whoa, there buddy-- did you say a MAN?? And he totally denied it. I wouldn't let him get away with it though. I said that I knew what he said and I knew what he meant.

 

That was the last I heard from him!

[SarahT111]

Thanks!

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply!

Sounds just like my situation!!

We had so much fun together!

He had the same problem in bed to!! I used to think it was me because he was ok with his previous gf!

It really hurt my ego aswell, as everytime he lost it, I thought it was because I was to ugly or to fat or something!!!

It wasn't till the other male approached me that things started making sense!

Its hard as I love him and he has been a massive part of my life for 7 years, both as my bestfriend and as my boyfriend.

I guess now I just have to let him go to find himself and I REALLY do understand how hard it is on him, but its also taking its toll on me a bit!

I really miss him

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Right now it sounds like he is really in it. He is struggling. Not that you aren't too, but it sounds like he is using all his mental energy on maintaining his own psyche. He just can't worry about you too. The good thing is that you have a long history with him. I can practically guarantee that once he has moved past whatever he is struggling with (probably gay) then eventually he will come back to you and want to repair some of that damage.