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...My boyfriend was in an emotionally abusive relationship :( ...


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I do not really have that many questions, I guess other than wondering how I can make this situation better.

 

My boyfriend and I were talking about our past relationships...we just got into that conversation. I knew that his previous relationship was rough but I did not understand to what extent. I have also been in bad situations before.

 

His Ex would actually sit and watch movies with him and lean over to grab his crotch just to make sure he did not have an erection during the movie (when there was an attractive woman on screen). For instance, once they were watching a movie with a dance/strip scene and she leaned over and felt his crotch and saw he was aroused. She did not talk to him for the rest of the movie and was extremely pissed. She would also do this when they were out in public and there was an attractive woman as a waitress, etc. She did this whenever they watched TV. I couldn't believe that someone would have the audacity to do this to anyone, let alone the man that I love. I was in disbelief that someone felt they had the right to warrant when someone could be aroused. It just disgusts me to know this happened to him.

 

He also told me that he was cheated on all the time and she would break up with him whenever he did anything she felt was "wrong". For instance, he visited her once over the summer and they were at a beach. He made a comment that it was cute that these girls were playing with a dog on the beach. She became extremely upset and broke up with him while he was visiting her. She was extremely pissed when he did something that wasn't even wrong, such as falling asleep when watching her favorite TV series. She cheated on him for a year with someone at their college.

 

I am in love with my BF and I only want the best for him. I never want him to feel badly about himself. I know that the past must affect his present. We have never once fought and we have a great relationship. I think he is surprised that it is going so well due to his previous experience. Is there anything I can do to make him feel at ease about himself? I know it comes from within.

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You've basically answered your own question, with your very last comment.

"It basically comes from within."

 

Tis part of the cure to wish to be cured.

if anyone is to make any progress, it's him.

If anyone is to heal, it's him.

If anyone has to WANT to move on, leave it all behind, let go, and start a new chapter - it's him.

All you can do is support and encourage.

But don't prop him up.

he's got to do this for himself.

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Yuck. I'm sorry for what he's been through.

 

Although I have no expert advice on the situation, I guess all you can do is empathize with him on what he has been through, and assure him that you will never do anything like that to him. And if he would like to talk about things now or in the future, you will certainly be open to listening to him talk about any of it. If he is interested in counseling (now or in the future) over this issue, that could be an option as well.

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I can't believe someone would do that...constantly grab your S.O.'s area to see if they were aroused. That is disgusting. I really feel so sad that he had to go through that, among many other things.

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People do crazy things. I wouldn't spend much time or energy trying to explain her. She's just a nutcase. Maybe a more interesting question would be why did he stay with her?

 

I've been in a crappy relationship, similar, but not nearly as severe. Some people just have a way of hooking you in spite of their unacceptable behavior. Interestingly, they don't ever seem to move on themselves, even though their words and actions express so much dissatisfaction.

 

They'll also settle for whoever will settle for them. Then they just act like monsters.

 

It can be a hell of a thing to face that if she wasn't so messed up she probably wouldn't have dated him or stayed with him.

 

He's lucky to have you.

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Thanks, Johan. I really appreciate the words, especially since you have been in a bad relationship before. Although yours was not as severe, as you say, you do understand what happens...I think he stayed because he lost a lot of self-esteem while with her. I can imagine that it slowly stripped away (or maybe did at a fast pace).

 

I try my best to let him know how much I love him and I tell him that everyday. I always let him know how beautiful I think he is and how he is my angel. I would do anything for him. He treats me with a vast amount of respect and love. I have honestly never been treated so well by a man. I love him! :love::love:

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I too was in a relationship like this. No crotch grabbing but endless questions about if I thought someone (on tv, in public, in general) was pretty. If I said no, I was a liar. If I said yes, then look out. There were lots of other insecurity/trust issues going on. It's tough and I still can't explain why I was in it for so long other than I KNEW there was a great person inside and we had so much in common that I had never had with anyone else. I also don't give up and was made to believe my actions dictated this.

 

Having said that, for me it is going to be difficult to recognize, trust or accept a normal relationship. We who have been in this type of thing get a bit brainwashed and/or post traumatic stress syndrome.

 

My advise is to assure him through actions and don't press. Mostly understand if he gets a bit weird sometimes and scared.

 

He is lucky to have you and maybe reassure him that not everyone is like his past GF. Be patient and understanding.

 

Best wishes to you.

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I think you're already making the situation better by being a kind and normal gf to him.

 

The only thing that I would be concerned about if I were you is that he seems to have very low self-esteem and this may annoy you someday when you want him to make a decision about something, or when he's being treated unfairly but doesn't stand up for himself. It can be frustrating when a man puts all the decisions on you because he doesn't have the courage to make them himself. Hopefully that won't be a problem.

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i've been dating a guy for the past two months who's last relationship was horribly abusive - physically, emotionally and verbally. the stories he tells me make me so sad for him and angry with her. anyway, one of the issues she had besides physically assaulting him was being extremely jealous. as a result in the beginning of our relationship he told me that he won't tolerate jealousy of any kind, especially since he likes to have female friends.

 

now jealousy has always been an issue for me, although i am not a sociopath like my bf's ex nor do i go around grabbing crotches like your bf's ex. but still, it is an issue for me. i get this unwanted catty feeling whenever the guy i'm with even talks to another girl. well, my boyfriend is very intuitive and he knows the moment i get this jealous catty feeling. he called me out on it for the past few times and the last time it happened i finally admitted that yes, i do get jealous. i was scared to tell him because i thought he would break up with me. but he didn't. we talked about it and how i don't want to feel that way and now that it's out in the open i haven't felt that jealous feeling since. last night we had friends over for dinner including 2 of his female friends and it went great. i'm sure the feeling will come back at some point but now we both know the deal and that we can talk about it.

 

i guess i'm telling you this because i think maybe it could help you in your situation. from what i remember from your posts, you suffer from low self-esteem at times and you've felt like you aren't as attractive as the women on TV/movies (please forgive me if i'm wrong, this is just from memory). well, these are feelings that could become an issue with your boyfriend. and you can help both your boyfriend and yourself by being open and honest with him about your feelings.

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Thanks for all of the comments. I have noticed that he can be insecure about certain things, which I do understand because of his past. For instance, last night we spent the night together. After we had sex, he asked me if I pictured other guys while having sex and I told him no. He could not really believe it because a lot of times when we have sex, I like to have him in positions where he is not facing me, which I never realized until he pointed it out. I told him the reason for that was because I enjoy the way certain positions feel, not that I didn't want to see him. I reassured him and then this morning, we had sex and I faced him. I love him very much and I only want him to be reassured. He also has asked me if he made up a decoy on-line and tried to tempt me, would I be tempted. I told him there would be no way. I have never cheated in my past.

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I also wanted to add that I think he has a bit of a skewed vision of how relationships work. For instance, he thinks it's crazy to fantasize about other people while having sex. I don't see anything wrong with it because it's just a fantasy, as long as your SO doesn't say anything blatantly about it. Honestly, I think it's ridiculous to try and control what someone thinks during sex. I told him that I do not think about other people during sex, but it wouldn't bother me if he did. I mean, I have thought about various situations in my head but I am not going to tell him that. I really think that is a part of normal sexuality. For whatever reason, we were talking about porn once and I told him I wouldn't care if he watched it because I didn't see how it would affect our relationship, just as long as he didn't give me the details. He has told me he has watched porn in the past but now thinks it's disrespectful. He asked me if I watched porn while in the relationship. I know this sounds awful, but I have...I just get really curious about things like this. I imagine he does, too and it wouldn't bother me. I didn't say that I did, though, because I know he thinks that would be really offensive. It's almost as if he is building his standards about what is acceptable so high (in regards to fantasy) that nobody would be able to match up to them because we are all curious humans. I love my boyfriend very much and just because I have contemplated sexual situations and looked at graphic movies, doesn't mean that I don't love him. This is why I have never had a problem with a guy looking at porn...because I do understand that perspective.

 

I guess I have standards that, as long as you are not hurting the other person, you can do what you would like. For instance, it is well documented on this forum due to posts I have written, that my EX was obsessive about an actress that he brought up to me on a continual basis. He told me he would leave me for, etc all the time. This hurt way more than looking at porn or me contemplating what he's thinking during sex. Honestly, that just hurt me so much because he was basically comparing me to this girl all of the time. I never do that to anyone because I know how it feels. I have never made any type of comment like that to my BF because I respect him so much.

 

I don't know. It is confusing!!

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Thanks for all of the comments. I have noticed that he can be insecure about certain things, which I do understand because of his past. For instance, last night we spent the night together. After we had sex, he asked me if I pictured other guys while having sex and I told him no. He could not really believe it because a lot of times when we have sex, I like to have him in positions where he is not facing me, which I never realized until he pointed it out. I told him the reason for that was because I enjoy the way certain positions feel, not that I didn't want to see him. I reassured him and then this morning, we had sex and I faced him. I love him very much and I only want him to be reassured. He also has asked me if he made up a decoy on-line and tried to tempt me, would I be tempted. I told him there would be no way. I have never cheated in my past.

 

My rotten relationship actually built my self esteem up. I was constantly being challenged, and had to rise above all the bad behavior or else just have dumb fights all the time. I came out of it with a pretty good opinion of myself and a pretty bad opinion of women.

 

I think your guy needs to figure out how to defeat his insecurities. The little mind games he's playing, the tests and the observations he's making, are not fair or healthy. No answer you ever give will make him feel better. And he could escalate, trying to get to a point where he can feel better. And in the process he will be building resentment and distance. He needs to overcome the urges he's having and learn to trust you.

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Thanks for your opinion, Johan. My boyfriend is a very sweet guy and the conversations which I outlined are rare...he brought this up last night and he randomly brought up that he thinks I would be tempted by an on-line decoy if he made one up and tried to talk to me on it. That is basically a joke, though, and I have told him that I wouldn't do that. I joke with him that he would, though. ;-)

 

Do you mean if this continues, he will build resentment for me or that I will for him? Thanks for your opinions.

 

I have never been so in love before. I thought I was in love with my ex, but it was a dependence and it never felt right to me. But with my BF, I can't believe I have met someone so special. He is the most respectful man I have been with and he is considerate. We both want to spend so much time together because we have more fun every day. I thank G-d every night that we are together. I simply want him to feel at peace, my angel. I want him to trust me. He has been through so much in his life and I only wish him happiness.

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I don't think he's trying to play mind games. I just read that from johan. Really? What does that mean? Thanks.

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Maybe "mind games" wasn't the right term. "Thought experiments" is probably more appropriate. I'm sure he isn't manipulating you. He's just trying to get some peace of mind from you. But what you do or say probably won't provide it. And the "what if" questions are never fair anyway.

 

If he doesn't do it very much, then no big deal. But if it's a theme in your relationship, then it's not really healthy. Over time you'll start to get tired of being targeted and being put in no-win situations. Particularly when you've already spent a lot of time and effort proving yourself.

 

It's for you to judge whether it's a problem.

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Thanks for the advice. :)

 

Last night, I had a little bit of difficulty with a conversation I had with my boyfriend. We randomly got on the topic about how he thinks all women tighten their reign around men within time and that eventually he thinks I will. He gave me an example of how, supposedly, when I met a female friend of his, he noticed that I held him close to me or put my arm around him as if to show that he is mine. I honestly do not remember this at all. He has made a similar comment to me before. We once went to an event and I had my arm on him and was being affectionate (not in any way that was over the top. He was responding to it as well) and he told me that I was "making my mark". It was very bizarre. I do not show affection to someone in a simple way such as placing my arm on them in an effort to show people who I'm with or to indicate that the person I'm with is taken. The thought honestly did not even cross my mind. He said he thinks it rose in my mind sub-consciously. I don't think so at all. And he also said something like what I write on his facebook wall might also be intended to show people that I'm his. He didn't say either in a condescending way. But it was really weird and it made me feel as if he thinks I am trying to manipulate him. He gives me affection in public and shows affection for me when he writes on my wall. I don't understand it. I hate feeling as if he thinks what I do is also for the public's intention to and that I am some jealous girl when I have never even expressed jealousy to him at all.

 

I explained to him that I feel what his ex did was abusive and that I couldn't believe anyone would have the audacity to grab someone's private area to see if they were hard. I told him that I felt it was akin to somebody sticking their hands down my jeans to make sure I wasn't wet. It is disgusting. I told him I am not like that. I said everyone should be allowed and comfortable to be aroused whenever they are and that is a personal experience for an individual. No one should be chastised for being aroused nor should anyone fear it! It is an abusive tactic. I told him I do not care when he gets hard ons and for whom he gets them about because we are together and this does not matter to me. I know he is faithful to me. I want him to feel free in his sexuality.

 

We do not fight or argue. We were just having a conversation. We had a lovely evening last night as I met his sister and we went out to the movies with my sister. We spent the evening together and today he came over to have lunch at my house. My family loves him. I just feel as if, even if I do ever have any concerns about actions, I will feel uncomfortable saying anything because I do not want to further be perceived as a "jealous" girl. He has asked me about a guy that wrote on my wall before which I didn't mind and didn't think of him as being jealous for asking me about that. But I have expressed one concern in the past, a brief and fleeting one, just wondering about a girl that he practiced with...after he explained it to me, and throughout my concern, I was very calm. Will I be perceived as jealous if I do ever have any concerns?

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You need to be careful with this guy. I don't think you're seeing the whole picture of who he is yet. It's possible that he sets up these kinds of scenarios in order to get you to not ever show jealousy, even if he gives you reason to be jealous somewhere down the road. And the stuff he was talking to you about was really nothing and not many people would read anything overt in your actions.

 

The things he pointed out that you do really sound like subtle accusations, designed to keep you in line so that you'll start thinking to yourself, "I will not become like his last gf". This is a dangerous place to be in, and a dangerous frame of mind. It's possible that he did that to his past gf and that may be why she became obsessive and jealous toward him, or he may be totally lying to you about what she did.

 

Regardless, it sounds like he's got a lot of issues and you need to be just as careful in a relationship where you 'never argue'. Most of the time guys like him have a lot of insecurity and it comes out through their passive words and actions. You get angry and you have no idea why. They can control you in a very subtle way that makes you feel that you're the problem for anything that happens.

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Angel1111, I have never thought of it in that way before. It is hard for me to believe that he would do that consciously because he is so sweet to me and respectful of me. It is something I have to think about and am sure will discover over time, if true. Wow. You give me something to think about...?

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I think you're already making the situation better by being a kind and normal gf to him.

 

 

 

My therapist once told me I needed to have a positive experience. If all he's known is pain every time he takes a chance he's learned not to stick his neck out and expect anything good to happen. The natural solution is to kind of cower around, kind of like a dog that's been hit too much.

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Thanks MN. So you are thinking he basically needs a positive experience so that the negative experiences are counteracted?

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I've read the thread, and much as I would hate to make a hasty judgement on your BF, I think Angel may have a point.

I'm reminded of 2 of Dr. Phil's "Life Laws"....

 

'People do what works', and 'we teach people how to treat us'.

Now, whatever your opinion of the guy - and he does seem to have a mixed history - he's spot-on with these life laws.

 

Life Law: -

 

1: You either get it or you don't.

2: You create your own experience.

3: People do what works.

4: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.

5: Life rewards action.

6: There is no reality, only perception.

7: Life is managed; it is not cured.

8: We teach people how to treat us.

9: There is power in forgiveness.

10: You have to name it before you can claim it.

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Thanks for those life laws, Geisha. I actually do watch Dr. Phil so I appreciated that! ;)

 

I love him very much and am doing my best to be the best possible person I can to him. I will also not allow myself to be manipulated; not that I feel he is doing that, but I mean that I would be like this with anyone. I have learned a lot about relationships in the past year and I really wanted to start a fresh beginning with my BF. We have been together since August and started dating in July.

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