He said he's not able to commit to me

[FlyByNite]

Hi guys

 

I could really do with some advice as I have had the worst weekend trying to figure out what the best thing to do is, and whether I have already burned my bridges...

 

I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months (probably about once a week on average - we are both busy, but I am fine with that level of contact). We have also been intimate. However, recently he has been away on holiday, and then moving flats etc so we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks until Friday. Friday I go to his place (at his invitation), and after an hour or so, he says that we need to have a chat about where the relationship is going. He said that he couldn't commit to me and devote the time and attention to the relationship that he felt was developing, and that therefore he wanted to slow it down.

 

I have really strong feelings for this man, but have been keeping them in check as I haven't wanted to scare him away. All I have said to him is that I really like him and want to see how things develop. I have at no stage asked him for more time or greater commitment.

 

My take on what he was saying was therefore a rejection of the possibility of a relationship with me and all he wanted was the ability to pick me up whenever he felt like sex or companionship.

 

I therefore told him that I thought that I ought to leave and did so, on the basis that we weren't looking for the same thing. He said repeatedly that that wasn't what he wanted and that he wanted me to stay. We hugged goodbye and that was it.

 

My question is: was my reading of the situation correct, or did I overreact to a simple plea to slow things down (I would be happy to wait for him if he hasn't closed off the possibility of a relationship in the future).

 

I appreciate honest advice, but if you could be a little gentle in how you phrase it that would be really appreciated as as you will imagine I am feeling a little fragile and vulnerable at the moment. Thank you!

[Lucky_One]

I am sort of getting the same take you are - he doesn't want the boundaries of a "Relationship" but wants the option to pick up the phone and give you a call when he has both time and inclination (ie. sex).

 

I, too, would have left. He may have wanted a little euphemistic snuggle time, but I generally am not a big, um, snuggler unless I am in a relationship.

[Geishawhelk]

.....My take on what he was saying was therefore a rejection of the possibility of a relationship with me and all he wanted was the ability to pick me up whenever he felt like sex or companionship.

 

I therefore told him that I thought that I ought to leave and did so, on the basis that we weren't looking for the same thing. He said repeatedly that that wasn't what he wanted and that he wanted me to stay. We hugged goodbye and that was it......

 

I think you're jumping the gun....

Look at the above two paragraphs....

 

My take on it.....

 

I therefore told him....

 

World of difference between the two....Did you actually clarify with him if your initial assumption was correct?

 

Maybe as you've only known him a couple of months, and he really is a cautious and respectful guy, he didn't want you thinking that in fact, sex is all he's interested in. Maybe he really does want to pull back a bit because he's wary of committing to something he might get hurt in... you don't mention a previous history, and it is very early days yet - heck, I've been with my partner 4 years, and there are STILL things I'm finding out about him (in the nicest possible way, i should add.....)

 

he even protested and told you that you were incorrect.

 

How deeply did you actually discuss this....?

[Star Gazer]

My take:

 

After a certain time spent together, the relationship HAS to progress. I mean, really. It does. After a couple months, most "couples" who have any chance of having a successful long-term relationship have already established an exclusive, BF/GF relationship. With an exclusive, BF/GF relationship comes more commitment, more time spent together, making the relationship a priority. He realizes this. He's smart.

 

For whatever reason, he knows he's either not capable or not interested in making a relationship with you a priority. He enjoys your company, but doesn't see your relationship developing into the exclusive, BF/GF type relationship that he knows you're likely looking for.

 

I don't think he's looking for just sex, but it does sound like he wants to keep things as is, as in very casual, very non-commital...so that he doesn't have to feel guilty about not making you a priority in his life.

[Ruby Slippers]

I probably would have done the same thing. To me, being with someone who wants something light and casual would feel like a waste of time. As the woman, it's pretty easy for you to find a just sex/fun partner -- but it sounds like you (like most women) want something more meaningful.

 

I can appreciate his honesty. I think it's admirable that he told you where he stands now, rather than stringing you along and letting you get emotionally attached before making it clear that he's not into something serious.

[sarayanna]

I had the same exact thing happen to me last year. After about 3 months, the guy I was dating called me before our date and told me he wanted to slow things down and not be exclusive.

 

I intuitively knew that would put me in a relationship I wasn't comfortable with and would not be happy seeing him and wondering about who else he was dating (and yes, we had been intimate) so I told him he should see other people if he wanted but he wouldn't see me.

 

It was hard because I really liked this guy, but I know now, more than a year later, that I ABSOLUTELY did the right thing.

 

If you accept someone else's terms for dating and they aren't terms you particularly like, that gives the other person the upper hand in the relationship. Relationships are meant to be a level playing field, one where discussions are made about what is mutually beneficial for both parties, not one person asserting their own rules.

 

Bottom line, you did the right thing. This guy clearly does not know what he wants and you deserve someone who wants to devote the time to you.

[FlyByNite]

Thanks to all for their input. In answer to Geishawhelk, we did discuss it, but I suppose I was pretty hurt at the time, so might not have listened properly to everything he said - hence my indecision as to whether to contact him again to try to understand properly.

 

I think StarGazer is right (considering all of the back story - which I haven't set out here as it would be too long). He's just not wanting that kind of pressure right now. I suppose what I need to work out is whether he will ever want a relationship and whether I am happy to go with the flow (if I haven't already blown it by walking away). I should mention that I am really not the clingy type - I have my own life, and respect that he is going through some things right now that make it difficult for him to make time for me.

 

Thanks again to everyone

[FlyByNite]

OK - so I cracked and sent him a text message asking if I could call him (texted first as he tends to prefer that) so I could make sure I had understood him properly. That was yesterday lunchtime and I've not heard anything back (he normally responds within the day). I guess that that's it then .

 

I suppose that means I was right to leave the first time, since if he was just wanting to take things slowly etc, but did like me, he would have got back to me. Still hurts though.