Dating and hanging out with the opposite sex

[wierdmunky]

Once I get comfortable in a relationship with my feelings being exposed, I feel the need to break free from it because I start getting jealous all the time! I really hate it. I think I've only had one boyfriend that I felt I could completely and wholeheartedly trust with other girls.

 

So, here is what made me slightly PO'd

 

Me: "Omg where are you!"

BF: "I'm at school having lunch with a friend."

Me: "When are you going to be home?"

BF: "I think I'm going to stay here until my next class" (which is 6, its 3:45)

Me: "I think I need you, Crap I think someone just got into our house!

ahhhh!!"

 

He comes and visits me so cancel plans..

 

LATER...

 

Me: "So what were u up to today?"

BF: "I was having lunch with (girl) the girl that (his friend) was talking to a

while back? she's a pretty cool chick."

 

I know it sounds trivial but it really got to me! Well for one, he was obviously going to hang out with her the rest of the day, and he was a girl that his best friend used to like. I know him and his friend like to date girls, and have dated girls in the same circle after someone else had broke up with them so I guess my mind just automatically went there, and two, I just don't like the idea of me really into this guy and feeling like he can turn me upside down in 2 seconds.

 

I'm probably being irrational and jealous which I don't want to be, & the thought of breaking up has entered my mind just so I don't feel like I'm turning into that monster, but I really really like this guy.

 

He's actually the first guy that I've dated who's treated me like a lady, and I've had a really bad relationship before this, and don't want to be hurt, or re-do everything bad thing I did before. I think I'm scared of moving forward and feeling those deeper feelings because it puts me in a vulnerable position, but I think I can trust this guy.

 

BUT, I've also thought that of the last guy (sort of) and it ended up really badly so how can I trust my gut again?

 

My current bf is awesome and he does everything right, but once I found out that he was having lunch with a girl at school, it kinda threw me off. How can I keep my jealous feelings in check????

[Green]

I guess you can learn to trust yourself and then it will be easier to trust others. If he did cheat on you, do you trust you'd be able to handle it?

[wierdmunky]

I'm not sure, how do you mean handle? I'm going to be angry, I wouldn't want to break up with him because I really like him, but I would be torn between that and thinking what I should do thats best for me. If I'm hurt for a little but in the long run, a smarter person or something, then I would break up with him.

[Green]

I'm not sure, how do you mean handle? I'm going to be angry, I wouldn't want to break up with him because I really like him, but I would be torn between that and thinking what I should do thats best for me. If I'm hurt for a little but in the long run, a smarter person or something, then I would break up with him.

 

I think you understand what I'm trying to say. See this more about you and your fears then whats happening with him. You just need to believe in yourself and that you'll be ok regaurdless of what happens and just enjoy your time with him. I have no idea if he will or won't cheat on you or if its anything like that, what I do know is it sounds like you want to change the fearfull way your relationship with him now is.

[wierdmunky]

You are right about me changing the way I feel fearful in this relationship. I want it to work, and I almost pretend to be just "cool" with everything without expressing myself and looking like I'm not fearful when I am. He probably just thinks I'm taking it real slow.

[Green]

So ignoring the bf issue for a moment I have to ask has it been like this your entire life. This lack of trust in your own abilities to handle things. You sound smart and capable so I wonder what your so afraid of

[wierdmunky]

Well thanks When I look back right now, yes I haven't had much trust in myself. Mostly lately, its been harder to break out of that cycle and just do things. I'm not sure exactly why. One of my work buddies actually told me that it was just my insecurities that I'm always with someone, and that I don't need to be. I kind of passed him off because sometimes I do feel like I want to find that "one"

[Green]

So what are you going to do to change the way you feel?

[wierdmunky]

I have no idea. lol. I was asking for a few suggestions

[Green]

but thats your problem thats why you have to figure something out for yourself. You have to reprogram your brain so that your not searching for outside aproval. Grow some balls. Seriously if my hypothetical gf was eating out with some guy friend I'd probaby be a little anoyed but lunch isn't to bad and I'd just let it go and stop thinking about it. and if she did cheat on me I'd be bummed but I'd have no problem letting her go. But I wouldn't worry about her cheating on me until it happened.

[popey]

There's no way around having a whole hearted relationship, and also allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the possibility (or to some degree certainty) of being hurt b/c of it.

 

So if the risk is a given, and what you want (rationally so imo) is to be able to reveal your whole self; then I'm thinking this involves a calm and honest convo sharing w/ him your insecurities. Its important that you are clear that this is about YOU, and not something he's done.

 

If he wants (and is capable of) an honest relationship with the real you, then with communication, you can probably both do things to build up your security with him. Of course the risk is that he may not want to deal w/ your insecurities, or may not care. In which case, he's probably not a good match for you anyway, right? At least not at this point in your lives.

[wierdmunky]

True, but I don't want to overreact or ignore it. I kinda feel like there's no inbetween because its not really a big deal. Maybe I shouldn't be IN a relationship?

[wierdmunky]

There's no way around having a whole hearted relationship, and also allowing yourself to be vulnerable to the possibility (or to some degree certainty) of being hurt b/c of it.

 

So if the risk is a given, and what you want (rationally so imo) is to be able to reveal your whole self; then I'm thinking this involves a calm and honest convo sharing w/ him your insecurities. Its important that you are clear that this is about YOU, and not something he's done.

 

If he wants (and is capable of) an honest relationship with the real you, then with communication, you can probably both do things to build up your security with him. Of course the risk is that he may not want to deal w/ your insecurities, or may not care. In which case, he's probably not a good match for you anyway, right? At least not at this point in your lives.

 

And I totally agree. I hope he does care enough though. I wish he already knew them, and then we could have this perfect relationship. lol

[popey]

ah yes- maybe your on to something... a new online dating site where the profiles are all about flaws and weaknesses instead of positive attributes. Pics of you first thing in the morning, hung over and coming down w/ the flu only too! lol. No potential for disappointment... love me at my worst on the first date, or don't waste my emotional resource!

 

Look, while I think KMT is right about you working on trusting yourself, and at the same time accepting that there's no guarantees that you won't be let down; there's also a matter of reality about how you move on the path. If you know this kinda **** makes you crazy b/c you have trust issues... what are the chances you will be getting over that anytime soon while being in a relationship and not trusting that the person can know you even have an issue?

[wierdmunky]

Because if I feel like that **** drives me crazy but the person is great, I can't let go of all of that, I just need to know that it doesn't matter, if it really doesn't. Bringing it up just makes me look really insecure but I can't help that it does make me feel - I don't know - like its a step into the wrong direction. I know I should DO better if I feel like I NEED better. But this guys really great, what if all guys are going to do that anyway, I lost out on a great relationship because of "insecurities"

[popey]

Do what? have lunch w/ another woman? or run if they know you have trust issues that you you are working on, and in the meantime need a partner who can be understanding and helpful with that process?

[wierdmunky]

thats one thing that I'm afraid of. I don't want him to leave me because of the trust issue.

 

btw thanks for all the responses, it really has been helping a lot I try not to bombard my best friend with all my mini problems, and getting other non- related people's perspectives help.

[You'reasian]

 

Me: "Omg where are you!"

BF: "I'm at school having lunch with a friend."

Me: "When are you going to be home?"

BF: "I think I'm going to stay here until my next class" (which is 6, its 3:45)

Me: "I think I need you, Crap I think someone just got into our house!

ahhhh!!"

 

 

This sounds a little insecure, don't you think?

[wierdmunky]

well I was scared to go into the house because someone had actually broke in and stole our TV's. I had gone to the police instead.

[popey]

thats one thing that I'm afraid of. I don't want him to leave me because of the trust issue.

 

We all have certain insecurities. We have to work on them. We also would do well to be involved w/ people who can and care to deal with that in a compassionate way.

 

look at a different example: if your SO was insecure about his intelligence, and you didn't know it; you could be igniting his insecurity by laughing when he says something incorrect; or jokingly saying "your so stupid".

 

If he got irrational and was accusing you of thinking he's stupid all the time, and saying he didn't want you hanging around smart people, this might push you away.

 

On the other hand, if he had an honest conversation w/ you about the insecurity being HIS problem, and is not accusing you; you would likely be sensitive to it and take care to be reassuring. And if you didn't, then you're probably not a good match for him, right?

[wierdmunky]

I get it. I guess I'm intimidated about showing that. But your right, we wouldn't be a good match if we weren't willing to deal with each other's flaws. Thinking about to share that ...