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A different view on paying for dates.


Char.isma

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I'm going to challenge the general consensus on "Paying for dating" (earlier discussion about this) but only because I'm a teenager and I enjoy riling up adults with my "younger" views on these issues. With that being said I understand fully well that this doesn't apply to some of the situations regarding dates with more mature people, but seems valid enough to people around my age and slightly older.

 

Please do keep in mind that I am playing devil's advocate... to an extent.

 

And without further adieu my reasoning behind it being a BAD idea to pay for a date just because you feel you have to :

 

So as a counter intuitive situation I have found out that in a non formal type dating encounter it is a very bad idea to pay for a girl. When it isn't expressly clear that it is a romantic hang out a guy offering to pay or even being rather forceful about paying is detrimental in the sense of desire and wanting what you can't have. It appears that the guy is simply trying to buy the girl into liking/sleeping with him, and is a fast way to kill the feelings/get FRIENDZONED.

 

Now if it is a "Date" with a girl I don't know well at all and she seems hesitant to pick up her part or it is something that I WANT to pay for then of course I'm going to pick up the check. But when a girl offers to pay for her meal or even the entire meal/event, I'll take her up on it lol.

 

I mean think about it, there are so many guys out there who just try and buy everything for girls "Hey can I buy you a drink" "dinner and a movie" etc that it really is a refreshing encounter when it's like "Wait... how come he isn't paying" it doesn't necessarily give them a comfortable feeling but what it does do is get the girl to think about why that is and try if she really does have interest in him try and prove something.

 

Now of course if I'm in a relationship with a girl, I'll offer to pay for a good amount of the things but if it's just girls that I'm seeing if they would work or not, then most likely the answer is a no.

 

This post may go all over the place because it is 3 in the morning and I'm dealing with some insomnia but all in all I think there is a general notion.

 

 

 

And my last little topic/fire starter is:

 

Feminist's who believe in women's rights and equality yet expect men to pick up the check every time (I'm definitely playing some hardcore devil's advocate on this one :p)

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youweremyfavorite

While this seems an interesting argument for younger people, I find that with older and more experienced folk this seems very absurd and almost rude.

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endlesstrains

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

I can see your point about paying/not paying for initial dates, but you also have to keep in mind that if a girl HERSELF isn't sure if it's a date or not, making her pay for her half of the meal is going to make her think it's not a date (IE get you "friend zoned", though that's a pretty lame term.)

 

It also makes no sense to not pay for a girl when you're trying to prove yourself to her, but to pay all the time after you're in a relationship. It should be the other way around. If you are someone who believes in paying for dates, then you should be paying for dates in the beginning to prove to her that you are interested in her, and once it gets more established and comfortable you can both pull your weight based on your respective incomes. If she makes as much or more than you, she should pay just as much in an established relationship...

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how old r u? Seriously paying is the way to go. I personaly hate paying for anything and have let girls buy me meals and flat out refused to buy girls crap. But if you throw money around like it doesn't mean a thang it can only help you. Obviously making a big deal about paying for a girl who wants to pay for herself is pointless, but if you come off as money girls like that.

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I am 16. One thing I've noticed about Loveshack is for the most part it seems that the community is very dismissive of people around my age. I obviously care a lot about relationships and treating ladies well if I'm reading this quite often and I'm wondering why bash my age? I'm simply bringing up a different viewpoint on a subject for debate.

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I am 16. One thing I've noticed about Loveshack is for the most part it seems that the community is very dismissive of people around my age. I obviously care a lot about relationships and treating ladies well if I'm reading this quite often and I'm wondering why bash my age? I'm simply bringing up a different viewpoint on a subject for debate.

 

No one is bashing your age. We were all 16 at some point and for some of us it was quite a long time ago. But we have years more experience than you have and when reading your post, while interesting, it just doesn't match what we have found in our experience.

 

What works is what has been done for ages, if you want to start a relationship you have to show you care about the person not money. You get put in the friendzone because she doesn't have a romantic interest in you and it doesn't matter how much you pay or don't pay.

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Feminist's who believe in women's rights and equality yet expect men to pick up the check every time (I'm definitely playing some hardcore devil's advocate on this one )

 

My philosophy is that men and women are both shelling out money to play the dating game. It's just that women's investment tends to happen prior to the date, with clothes, haircuts, manicures, dry cleaning bills, and other "upkeep" in order to attract men to date in the first place. Ever notice how women's services cost more than men's? That's unjust in my book. So I don't feel bad having a man pay for the first several dates (before we're in an established relationship). And it will absolutely turn me off if a man doesn't pay. He'll get "friend zoned" faster than you can say "cheap miser looking for a sugar mama".

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I Luv the Chariot OH
When it isn't expressly clear that it is a romantic hang out a guy offering to pay or even being rather forceful about paying is detrimental in the sense of desire and wanting what you can't have.

 

There's a huge difference between "offering" bad "being rather forceful about it". Being forceful is always unattractive, in any situation; offering is almost never. Also, all of this works based on the premise that females operate on "wanting what they can't have", which may be fine for little girls, but applies much less to grown-up ladies.

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I mean think about it, there are so many guys out there who just try and buy everything for girls "Hey can I buy you a drink" "dinner and a movie" etc that it really is a refreshing encounter when it's like "Wait... how come he isn't paying" it doesn't necessarily give them a comfortable feeling but what it does do is get the girl to think about why that is and try if she really does have interest in him try and prove something.

 

Hm...well the first thing i thought about when I saw this part of your post was. "Oh man if you knew how NOT refreshing it is to find out the man you're with doesnt care enough for you to spot you when he invites you out"...

Actually I just got out of a relationship, in part because of this exact issue. (not all of it, but it plays into it).

What happens when you do this with girls is that it makes them think you are either not interested enough on her specifically or you care more about money than you care about taking care of the people you love. Neither of those help you in the long run.

My ex had a similar view on this aspect, saying that he didnt think he should invest in someone he didnt know it was going to work out with. The problem is that that attitude clearly shows, no matter how nice you might behave in the date. We girls pick that up reeeaaallly quick.

So, as other people said before, yeah sure the girl might at first be like "wait what??" and I assure you, she will talk about it with friends and even here!!! (I did). Specially if she is young and dont know what to expect, but as we get a bit older, this, i feel is one of the biggest red flags. In my case I learned that if a man is stingy with his money, he is also stingy with his feelings.

 

Now ofcourse I agree that relationships should be 50/50. But I also think that if you ask her out, show her that she made the right decision to accept by showing her you will take care of her. (Not only money wise by the way....its not about the money, its about what the gesture tells us). Im sure any girl that appreciates you as well, will also take you out once in a while, even might tell you that she would like to play the you take me out once, i take you out the next time. But she will only feel comfortable doing this if she knows that you would be willing to take her out even if this arrangement isnt made...you know what i mean?

 

My new rule is that if the man doesnt make an effort to show me he cares more about me than the money (and by that i mean...i dont care if you take me to mcdonalds...at least I know you have the intention...plus ill probably help you pay if its necessary), i already know whats up ahead...and Im not interested...

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This whole paying crap is pretty simple:

 

I always offer to pay. If I don't pay one time, I clearly say that next time I'll pay. And men are usually quite pleased that checks are staying nicely balanced. That way, nobody owes anything to the other and no bad feelings build up on either side. This doesn't only apply to romantic dates, I make sure things stay well balanced with everybody, including friends and family.

 

If I've had a date with someone who really annoyed me or did nothing to make it a pleasant experience, I let him pay and pray to God I'll never bump into him again. This situation hasn't happened much at all though. Guys are generally nice.

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As stated in my post, this whole "philosophy" (couldn't think of anything else to call it lol) is geared toward younger women. I can't necessarily put a number on when it stops working because it all depends on the maturity of the girl and the guy but if this type situation does seem very out of place in your current life I'd like you to think back to a time when possibly this would have not necessarily been attractive, but interesting.

 

Another point is that so much so when at my age, you hang out as "friends" and the boundaries are very skewed and uncertain thus leaving both parties wondering if it is a "date" or not. So rushing to pay for hanging out or even offering to pay in some cases comes out as trying to buy them "going out" with you and seems a little too bold.

 

With all this being said I advocate 100% for treating ladies and treating them to gifts etc, but as posted here "only after they've proved themselves" because #1 it may come off as creepy and #2 I just don't have all that money to spend on girls that I don't know are special or not, and at my age girls know that guys who spend TONS of money on them are just getting it all from their parents which isn't all that "cool"

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youweremyfavorite

While I see where you are coming from you must also know that while it may work now, as you get older it's only going to get you further away from your goal.

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torranceshipman

You sound like a sweetie Charisma:laugh: I think its a generational thing tho...its very much a expected thing round my way that in a formal dating situation, the man always pays, at least in the early days of a R. And in an informal friendly meet up, the bill gets split, regardless of gender.

 

Now this part: 'Feminist's who believe in women's rights and equality yet expect men to pick up the check every time'. I know you're ruffling feathers here on purpose!-but you're using an incorrect definition of 'feminism'-there are lots of types, but the most common, the liberal feminist, simply believes in equality, in terms of both genders being treated fairly and with respect. That is a separate issue to societal traditions of who picks up the bill, and in fact, I've had many men tell me that they aways prefer to pick up the bill, as it reinforces the masculine-feminie dynamic.

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