yikes! i professed my love so sue me...

[serialgf]

happy monday folks!

 

so i did pretty well there. i managed to last i think two weeks without telling my new bf that i'm in love with him

 

until this weekend

 

yup so i think it was two nights ago i spilled the beans. i told him that i am in love with him, want to get married and have his babies. yes, there was an ample amount of alcohol involved.... well the good news is he didn't run away.. no actually he said that he's been hurt before and is afraid of getting hurt again. he said that he "accepts" what i said. i woke up in his arms the next morning.

 

then this morning i told him i love him because honestly i'm still a bit drunk from last night and he said don't say that, say "i have feelings for you" it's easier for me to deal with. so when i left for work this morning i said, " i have feelings for you" and he said " i have feelings for you too"

 

aww

whaddaya think? am i insane or could this really be love?

[Geishawhelk]

I think he's being a jerk. This is a red flag moment for me...

 

"....don't say that, say "i have feelings for you" it's easier for me to deal with. so when i left for work this morning i said, " i have feelings for you" and he said " i have feelings for you too"

 

Easier for him to deal with - ?? WTF - !?! The poor sensitive soul.... !

Why can't he just say - I love you too... but let's take it slow.....??

 

I expect he'd like you to say 'coitus' instead of sex, 'orgasm' instead of coming, and 'I like you but not in that way, instead of goodbye....!

 

This stinks of stringing you along.....

 

Signed, "Mrs. Cynic".

[DeePee]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Cynic. He's entitled to be sensitive to his feelings. He's probably had a girl tell him she loves him, and he felt the same. Things were intense/serious and he was really loyal... yet his ex's "love" didn't lasted and he's just being cautious with the OP.

 

Guys are allowed to be cautious, and to say that he's being a jerk is horrible. Women are allowed to protect themselves cause they've been hurt before, but when a guy tries to be considerate and protect himself in a caring way to his gf he's a jerk?

 

To the OP. IMO he's being sincere and just continue to show him your feelings, and tell him occasionally (cause I know it feels good to profess your emotions when you're in a real relationship). Build his trust in you and you'll soon find out his true feelings. It looks like you two are on the right track. Just make sure whatever it is you feel is real towards him and not an infatuation with the relationship itself.

[serialgf]

haha you're hilarious

 

that was meant humorously right?

 

sorry i forgot to re-state some details... i forget you guys are strangers sometimes...

 

we've been dating for only 3 1/2 weeks and his last relationship lasted 8 years and was with a woman who ended up horribly abusing him. i'm talking trashing all of his stuff, destroying his artwork (he's a painter), smashing his glasses, wrecking his car, hitting him, etc. so he has a bit of PTSD from that though it was over between them about 2 years ago so he has dealt with a lot of it...

 

he also has an extremely cynical, dry sense of humor (kinda like you geisha) so well i think you get the point...

[Geishawhelk]

See....?? Now that's different! Too little Info!

 

How's anyone supposed to come up with a 100% spot-on response to a single post?

 

You have to admit, on the face of it, it looks exactly like "Uh-oh! Commitmentphobia comin' up!"

 

Now we know more, we know when to shaddup.

 

Simple really!

[sunshinegirl]

Well... I guess call me cynical too. My last boyfriend had a terrible marriage end because his wife cheated. I was very sympathetic and compassionate for what he went through, and explained away his self-protective behavior in similar ways. Thing is, it came back to bite me in the ass. Big time.

 

There is sometimes a fine line between "sensitive hurt guy sorting his life out" and "lazy ass jerk who hides behind his pain".

 

Pay attention to which kind of guy you're dealing with. And, honestly? Don't assume too quickly that it's the former and not the latter.

[Treasa]

You've been dating him for less than a month and you told him you loved him, wanted to marry him and have his babies? You probably scared him a bit, regardless of his past.

[Ronni_W]

he said don't say that, say "i have feelings for you" it's easier for me to deal with.

His self-awareness and seeming ability to compromise is cool and everything...BUT

Your reasonable response to his request could also have been, "It is easier for me to use my own 'feelings vocabulary' than try to remember yours...so, let's figure out a better compromise, shall we?"

 

Maybe it is that you both take 50/50 responsibility -- sometimes YOU say how he needs it said, and sometimes HE hears how you need it heard. ALL the 'changing and consciousness' ought not be on just one person's shoulders, cos that's what ultimately allows difficulties like resentment, frustration and entitlement to creep in.

 

"Don't say that" is a way of trying to control one's external word. It doesn't even have to be his conscious intention/desire to control you as a person, but that is the effect it will have on your psyche.

[Art_Critic]

i told him that i am in love with him, want to get married and have his babies.

 

SG... What happened to this train of thought ?

 

i think i am going to hold off on saying just because i feel confident enought that i don't need to say it for any particular reason

 

Honestly.. telling someone who you have only known for 3 weeks that you love him and want to have his babies would scare off most guys.. including myself

 

You really need to pull yourself into check here...

 

The babies comment to him was out in left field and most likely blindsided him..

Here he is thinking " Damn.. this is great.. good conversation.. good sex... it's looking up for me " , then you put the cart before the horse..

 

Now the relationship has gone from fun and new to wow.. commitment and babies all in 3 weeks..

 

Let him bring it up for now.. and please don't go there with starting a family this early in a relationship..

You could make fun of it and blame it on the Alcohol...

You also could amend your words and say " I think I may be falling for you or falling in love with you "

 

Good Luck to you.. I hope he reciprocates the feelings in time

[serialgf]

thanks for keeping me in check, art

all joking aside, i do know that i made a bit of a boo boo... otherwise i wouldn't be asking strangers for advice...

but at this point, it's been said and i just have to deal with it

 

don't worry i'm not going to have babies right now

i just got on the pill so that's good

 

and honestly i think he's okay with all of it

we are both intense emotional people

it's hard to explain to all of you

 

i love the advice though keep it coming!

i love you guys:love:

[All Star]

thanks for keeping me in check, art

all joking aside, i do know that i made a bit of a boo boo... otherwise i wouldn't be asking strangers for advice...

but at this point, it's been said and i just have to deal with it

 

don't worry i'm not going to have babies right now

i just got on the pill so that's good

 

and honestly i think he's okay with all of it

we are both intense emotional people

it's hard to explain to all of you

 

i love the advice though keep it coming!

i love you guys:love:

 

 

 

Maybe, you should be quiet now. Ha! I don't know about all of that. I think the i have feelings for you thing is not good news. I personally think you can love someone after 3 weeks. If you see him again after this, then you have a real chance. Most guys would run.

[Jilly Bean]

If I were him, Id be LONG gone.

 

The "I love you" business would make me think you were intensely needy.

 

But the, "I want to have your babies" would make me think you'd *forget* your BC, and would end up trapping me.

 

Whatever happens at this point is almost secondary, as I think you should take some time to figure out WHY you say these things to someone you've been dating only three weeks. I think you know how wrong they were, but it's best to figure out the motivation behind it.

[serialgf]

i don't know how to explain it in a way you guys could understand

anyways, he didn't go anywhere... i mean he didn't run away

(and jilly i can understand how you'd run away from reading your posts)

we've been spending every night together

and, this one will shock you guys even more, we're talking about him moving in with me

 

i really just think we both know what we want and we can give it to each other. we are extremely compatible.

 

i am so excited about all of this, but i also am proceeding with caution. just because we talked about moving in doesn't mean we're going to do it anytime soon.... anyways he signed a lease til june so that's kind of keeping us in check

 

okay jilly to attempt to answer your question i told him i love him because its how i feel. at the age and place of experience i'm at (i'm 28, he's 36 btw) i just know that i want to marry a kind, gentle, artistic, intelligent guy who can build furniture, cook and is good with plants. i am very in touch with my feelings. this guys is exactly what i want. and he thinks i'm "a total catch" and he's really ready to settle down. we may only have been dating for 3 weeks but in that time we've hung out and talked more than most of the people i've read about on loveshack do in 6 months

 

i feel like i don't fit in at loveshack... and i kind of feel that way about society in general, but i digres...

 

i think a lot of people here on loveshack sound so guarded

i don't know why i'm not like that

maybe i haven't been burned so bad

 

oh and the babies thing i said in the context of i want to have your babies eventually. like i know you are the person i want to marry and have babies with one day.

 

i absolutely do not want a baby right now, nor would i try to get pregnant

if for no other reason than i can't afford it. and he knows this.

 

i guess at this point i don't know whether what i'm doing is wrong or right. you guys seem to think it's wrong.

i'd love to hear from someone who thinks that you can know the person you just started dating is the person you want to marry

 

i mean, you guys have heard those stories right?

i have

i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!

[amaysngrace]

i'd love to hear from someone who thinks that you can know the person you just started dating is the person you want to marry

 

If you see her on, give a shout out to Touche!

[Art_Critic]

I think you need to go back and re-read your threads on this relationship and this guy..

 

There isn't a true right or a true wrong in relationships... Relationships are all about figuring out what you want or what you don't want till you find something that fits you perfectly..

 

You seem to avoid looking at or ignore the very clear red flags of this relationship.. some of those flags you even yourself see but choose to ignore

That is all good but you came here looking for opinions on your dating scenario and I gave you what I thought was good sound advice..

Maybe it isn't the advice you are looking for because clearly you are looking for someone on LS to give you the absolute green light when even you yourself have reservations about it all.

 

You can't know the guy after 2 or 3 weeks and now you are talking about moving in with each other..

You mentioned he has been in jail before for drug possession.. have your checked to make sure he has told you the truth ?

 

See.. the fact that HE would agree to move in with you after only 3 weeks kind of tells me that he is looking for more than someone to love.. he is looking for an instant relationship that keeps him closer to you..

 

This isn't healthy...

 

Healthy is taking the time to get to know one another.. throwing caution to the wind after only a couple of weeks isn't romantic.. it is just plain stupid...

 

Yes.. I know of people that have been married for more than 20 years after meeting and getting married after only knowing each other a short while but those relationships are special in the fact that they are not the norm.. they are the exception.. they also had other circumstances involved that helped them get going..

 

They had great jobs and a home and a really supportive family to help them with rearing of the children they had..

 

I'm not saying you don't love him.. or that he doesn't love you.

 

You sound to me that you do love him and he does love you but I think you need to slow this down...

 

The faster the candle burns the quicker it burns out as well...

 

It was good that you gave LS a try.. I'm sure you have at the very least a little different view of things now..

 

Good luck...

[serialgf]

thanks for your thoughtful post art. i'd like to address a couple of points you brought up:

 

1. yes i am looking for someone to give me the green light but that doesn't mean i don't appreciate, read and consider all of the other advice i'm getting. it may not be apparent to you from my posts, but it's true

 

2. the pot incarceration - i just believe him. plain and simple. i am not going to do a background check. i think that's paranoid. most people i've known have been arrested for possession... if i had any doubt or if he seemed suspicious at all then i would do a background check but i just think it's excessive. i trust him.

 

3. you are right about me not wanting to see some red lights. this is something i am trying to work on and this is one of the reasons i post on LS

 

4. finally, i do hope that we are just out of the norm like the people you are talking about

 

in any case, i think that you'll agree that the most important thing is what we're doing not what we're saying. he and i are both big talkers - we literally will talk every moment we're together and it'll be 4am before we realize the time. and we talk a lot about our dreams, hopes, etc. but we do treat each other extremely well. we are supportive, kind to each other, generous with our things, etc. and we both have plenty of alone time to do our individual projects because he's on an opposite work schedule as me...

[Art_Critic]

[quote=serialgf;1891386

in any case, i think that you'll agree that the most important thing is what we're doing not what we're saying. he and i are both big talkers - we literally will talk every moment we're together and it'll be 4am before we realize the time. and we talk a lot about our dreams, hopes, etc. but we do treat each other extremely well. we are supportive, kind to each other, generous with our things, etc. and we both have plenty of alone time to do our individual projects because he's on an opposite work schedule as me...

 

Thanks for addressing those points SGF...

 

and you are correct that the most important thing is what you wrote about.. Actions..

 

Communication and talking is also important..

While this relationship goes forward try and remember the most important part of communication that a lot of people forget about is " Listening "..

Many people think that communication is just talking and in reality it is talking and then taking the time to actually listen to the other party...

I myself have been guilty of this.. Sometimes I get all caught up in telling my wife what I want to tell her that I forget to listen to her..

 

She of course straightens me out on that

[All Star]

i don't know how to explain it in a way you guys could understand

this.

 

i guess at this point i don't know whether what i'm doing is wrong or right. you guys seem to think it's wrong.

i'd love to hear from someone who thinks that you can know the person you just started dating is the person you want to marry

 

i mean, you guys have heard those stories right?

i have

i feel like i'm taking crazy pills!

 

I think you're right. Go for it! If it scares him then that's his problem. Live your life and get the love you want. A lot of people know themselves so well that they can spot their life partner on first glance. Are you one of those people? Only you know.

[Lucky_One]

I think you're right. Go for it! If it scares him then that's his problem. Live your life and get the love you want. A lot of people know themselves so well that they can spot their life partner on first glance. Are you one of those people? Only you know.

 

That's where you get stalkers from. It isn't enough to know yourself so well as to know who or what you want from a life partner, bc partnering isn't just about you.

 

The other person also has wants and dreams, and YOU might not be who he or she wants as a partner.

 

A good healthy partnership has both people wanting essentially the same goals in life while both have a strong passion for the other. If one wants to do volunteer service in Guatamala for 10 years and the other wants to buy a cottage with a picket fence and crank out babies every 27 months, then simple love will not be enough to maintain the R.

 

As for telling someone you love them after such a short time, it seems fast and risky to me. I see that as far more infatuation than deep and abiding love. I supect the guy was probably a bit freaked out by it.

[serialgf]

lucky one

 

see that's the thing. he wasn't freaked out. he was defensive because he's been hurt really badly before, but he wasn't freaked out and since the incident we've only gotten closer.

 

i agree with pretty much everything you said in your post. and that's the thing. we both want exactly the same thing in our lives: to work on our respective art, to live on a farm probably in the same town where we live now, and to have one biological baby and one adopted baby.

 

 

i know this all seems crazy and if i were someone else reading this i would definitely be like, whoa slow down psychos but it just doesn't feel wrong at all. i've been infatuated before. this is not that. this is a caring relationship

 

i think from considering everyone's input that the unique thing about my circumstance is that we both have very similar personalities and want very similar things and like each other a lot and have what each other wants

 

and we know it. i mean, i'm in no hurry. i want to be with this guy forever. i can wait a year to move in together. and i was going to wait to tell him i'm in love with him but i got drunk and i didn't wait

 

whaddaya gonna do ya know

[All Star]

lucky one

 

see that's the thing. he wasn't freaked out. he was defensive because he's been hurt really badly before, but he wasn't freaked out and since the incident we've only gotten closer.

 

i agree with pretty much everything you said in your post. and that's the thing. we both want exactly the same thing in our lives: to work on our respective art, to live on a farm probably in the same town where we live now, and to have one biological baby and one adopted baby.

 

 

i know this all seems crazy and if i were someone else reading this i would definitely be like, whoa slow down psychos but it just doesn't feel wrong at all. i've been infatuated before. this is not that. this is a caring relationship

 

i think from considering everyone's input that the unique thing about my circumstance is that we both have very similar personalities and want very similar things and like each other a lot and have what each other wants

 

and we know it. i mean, i'm in no hurry. i want to be with this guy forever. i can wait a year to move in together. and i was going to wait to tell him i'm in love with him but i got drunk and i didn't wait

 

whaddaya gonna do ya know

 

 

How often do you see him in a week?

[bayouboi]

i love the advice though keep it coming!

i love you guys:love:

 

don't say that, say "i have feelings for you guys" it's easier for us to deal with

[serialgf]

How often do you see him in a week?

 

pretty much every day. i am super busy with acting gigs and he works at a restaurant thursday - sunday so typically on those days later at night, like midnight - we've been sleeping over each other's houses every night

 

a bunch of his stuff is at my house - he brought his vhs tapes because i have a vcr and a box of tapes because i have a tape player

 

and he lets me drive his car pretty much every day because i don't have one

 

other than that we spend weekend mornings together usually at his place because its in the country.... we make breakfast and do the crossword

 

i don't know i know you guys are going to give me $hit for spending too much time together but neither of us thinks its too much so i think if both of us are happy then its okay

 

but at the same time i do appreciate outside input... that's why i'm on LS in the first place!

[All Star]

pretty much every day. i am super busy with acting gigs and he works at a restaurant thursday - sunday so typically on those days later at night, like midnight - we've been sleeping over each other's houses every night

 

a bunch of his stuff is at my house - he brought his vhs tapes because i have a vcr and a box of tapes because i have a tape player

 

and he lets me drive his car pretty much every day because i don't have one

 

other than that we spend weekend mornings together usually at his place because its in the country.... we make breakfast and do the crossword

 

i don't know i know you guys are going to give me $hit for spending too much time together but neither of us thinks its too much so i think if both of us are happy then its okay

 

but at the same time i do appreciate outside input... that's why i'm on LS in the first place!

 

 

No, I think that's great and so maybe you do have grounds for feeling this way.

[You'reasian]

oh and the babies thing i said in the context of i want to have your babies eventually. like i know you are the person i want to marry and have babies with one day.

 

i absolutely do not want a baby right now, nor would i try to get pregnant

if for no other reason than i can't afford it. and he knows this.

 

Nothing wrong with practicing making babies....again and again and again!