friend wont let me cut friendship!

[4givrnt4gtr]

I have this friend, whom ive been close for about 5 years. While I had a huge fight/break up with my bf, he and I ended up making out (drunken nite).

ANyhow ive always had a small idea that he might like me and now Im pretty sure of it. Problem is that now Im back with my boyfriend whom i really love. After we got back together I told him what happened with my friend and though he didnt exactly tell me to stop talking to him, he made it clear he wasnt comfortable with this friend and he felt he had taken advantage of the situation.

 

Anyway, on top of that my friend keeps bringing what happened up, and then telling me about other hook ups hes had with a girl who used to be my friend (we had an issue over a guy a while back). In any case, that on top of putting my relationship at risk with my bf made me feel like i needed to let this friend go.

 

At first i tried to avoid his call....but he insisted so much I ended up telling him I didnt want to hang out with him anymore. THat i wasnt comfortable etc. Well he didnt take that too well. He kept insisting we cant throw away 5 years of friendship over something so silly, and how I would always run to him whenever something in my life went wrong. That he was even ready to marry me despite his parents objections when I was threatened to be deported (long story). etc.

I felt SOOOOO bad. I know he's been such a good friend up until the hook up but I also know that if i continue with the friendship my relationship is pretty much over.

 

In any case at one point he bassically told me to stop being "dumb" and that we will always be friends no matter what. THis was after he insisted that I had feelings for him and thats why i didnt want to talk to him anymore. WHen I denied it he said that there was no reason to not being friends and that my SO should understand that our friendship came first.

 

SOmehow my phone died in the middle of the convo. But now i dont know how to proceed. I love my bf but I also know my friend has been really good to me. SOme people (including my bf) say i really need to let him go cuz if he had been a true friend he wouldnt have tried to hook up with me when i was so vulnerable. What should I do???? help!! Should I just stop contact cold turkey? I mean i tried talking to him and he is not getting it....

COnfuseeeed!

[tanbark813]

Your guy friend isn't a friend. He's a guy who wants to be with you. It would be unwise to put someone who wants to be with you ahead of your current bf.

[Geishawhelk]

Your ex-friend sounds jealous and manipulative.

You're right to ditch him.

Things change, people move on. I've lost touch with friends I knew for 15 years or so...it's not the time you know someone, it's the quality of the frienship.

If this is how he values it, then he's got the wrong idea. A 'friend' like that, is no friend at all. He's shown himself in his real colours, and you are absolutely right to distance yourself from him.

 

Absolutely right.

No question about it.

[Ronni_W]

If he was your "true friend", he would respect your wishes. Period. He would honour what YOU say you want. He would understand that you don't want to jeopardize your current romantic relationship. He would allow you the power, authority and right of self-determination...even if HE thought you were making "mistakes", he would realize that was only HIS personal view of it. He would give you the freedom to make your own choices, based on your own feelings and thoughts.

 

He would not judge you "dumb" for making your own decisions that support your own wishes. He would not ignore what YOU say your feelings are, about anything. He would not put himself across as knowing better than you do, about what you want and feel and need.

He would not keep "insisting" on something that you have clearly stated makes you uncomfortable. He would not keep trying to control your/his relationship.

 

I don't put it all on him, though, for your drunken hook-up. That night, there were things going on, on both sides. You are 100% responsible for your own part and contribution. (He is only 100% responsible for his.)

 

Perhaps he used to act like a "true friend" for 5 years. But he has stopped doing that. In your shoes, I would be extremely firm about ending the relationship because of how he is acting now, not because we got together for a drunken hook-up.

[Trialbyfire]

I think you have difficulties asserting yourself with men overall. If you consider your relationship with your b/f and now with your best male friend, no one can "make" you do anything. If you allow it to happen be it under protest or rolling over quietly, you still allow it.

 

Shut it down if it makes you unhappy. Just do it.

[Federica]

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