Jump to content

I think my girlfriend has issues...


Javelin

Recommended Posts

I think my girlfriend is still, 'in love' with her abusive Ex boyfriend after nearly 3 years and cannot move on from him.

 

I'll try and describe what's going on right now.

 

My girlfriend basically told me that she is not, 'in love' with me the way she was with her ex-boyfriend. She also tells me that the spark we have is not there anymore. Needless to say, that she was not happy with him or their long distance relationship. He was mentally abusive and basically degraded her to the point of suicide. The funny thing is that she puts a ton of praise on our relationship and she also makes claim to be happy with me, but I'm not so sure of that.

 

Back in February, an event happened that was the last straw for me. She had called him, but he did not answer, he never does and she called me crying. I answered the phone and she told me what she had done and I ended the relationship. I told her that, she could be with him and to let me go on my marry way. A week and a half later of almost no contact, she shows up and pours her heart to me. Telling me how she wants to be with me and makes promise to never call her Ex- Boyfriend again and what not, but I didn't buy into it so easily and actually sent her home, telling her I needed time to think. I thought about it long and hard and decided to give it another go...

 

(Fast Forward to now.)

 

Last week we were in a restaurant before a show we were going to attend with other couples and she said that she had a weird dream. She said to me, ' I had a dream that I called me ex-boyfriend! ' This arose a bit of suspicion and I asked her if she did and she denied. Then I asked her, when was the last time she called him.. She said she did not remember, but sometime around July... I become semi-furious, remembering all the bull**** she had fed me back in February and I'm just now finding out in mid- September that she tried to make contact with him and led me to believe everything was going great. She said, ' don't worry, he didn't pick up, he never does.. " I said, " and what if he does pick up? Then what? " She blew it off like it was no big deal and said she did not want to talk about it at that moment. She wanted to discuss it after the show.

 

At that point, I basically blanked out and had to mentally calm myself down..

 

As we drove to meet up with the other couples, I asked her, why she was with me and she said she does not know. She said that one side of her wants to be with me, but the other does not. She then asked me how I felt and I said, ' honestly, at this point, I'm indifferent about our relationship and if you don't want to be in it, it would be easier for me to let go of you. ' This must have struck a nerve, because she started to cry.

 

We had about an hour before the other couples arrived, so we continued to talk. We decided to stay together and work things out, but I'm not so sure that I want to do that anymore... This past Saturday, we had another conversation about our relationship and that's when the, 'in love' comparisons between me and her ex-boyfriend started to come up.

 

After a long talk and going back n' forth about whether or not we should be together, she came to the conclusion that she DID want to be with me. She looked me in the eyes and said that she loved me so much and did not want to lose me or the happiness that she has found with me. :love::love:

 

I mean, I love this girl so much, but I'm trying not to let myself fall for her, even after 2 years. I don't know if she is capable of not breaking my heart if I let it go. We've known each other for so long, 10+ years and we're best friends as well. She always tells me, that we started dating at a bad time in her life and I believe it, but why can't she just stop living in the past? What do I have to do to move her forward? I know her ex-boyfriends, all of them! They've molded her into the person that she is today. They used and abused her kindness and gullibility to the point where she does not fully trust men and that is understandable, but she has yet to give our relationship a fighting chance.

 

Ugh, I don't know what to do... This crap has begun to eat at my character. I don't want to lose my companion and she feels the same way. At times, I feel confident enough to leave her and let her mend alone, but at the same time, I become soft and want to work with her through this.

 

What would you do in this situation? We are together, but I'm having second thoughts.

 

------------------------

 

I would also like to say, thanks for reading and after typing all of that out, it really makes me feel better inside.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel for you, Javelin.

 

It's never good in a relationship to feel second-best or like the consolation prize, but I imagine that's how you feel.

 

This girl has repeatedly lied to you. This should tell you something about her character. The fact that she's not over a man she went out with 3 years ago and calls him regularly is not something that is healthy for ANY relationship. In a way, you are an enabler because you take her back after betraying you several times (maybe not cheating, but it's still a betrayal). If she knew she couldn't get away with this behaviour she may have made herself get over him rather than indulging herself in fantasies based pretty much on nostalgia for what once was.

 

You can't trust her at the moment because she has done this multiple times. You're not married and you don't have any kids so I would suggest ending it with her. She needs to be alone to sort things out and having you as a safety blanket isn't going to help her to get over her ex. She needs to do it alone and by the time she does get over it you will probably have moved on to someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but nothing good will come of this. She knows she can get away with betraying you and all it takes are a few crocodile tears to get back with you.

 

End it, not just for your own sanity and happiness, but so that she can get over things properly. Go NC and regain some confidence and feeling of worth. You don't deserve this crap.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As painful as it is, bro, I have to agree with Davey. If there's a part of her that doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you. She's with you because there's a part of her that loves you based probably on the length of your relationship and the way you treat her, but she's not giving you everything and if she hasn't after all this time together, she probably never will...

 

You deserve better, bro. Break it off with her if you can muster the strength of will to do so. Then drink heavily for a week, take a few months off of girls, make yourself better in some way, and get another one.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Who calls someone after they have been broken up for 3 years??? especially when he doesn't even pick up the phone. Helloo...I think people call that behavior psycho ex-girlfriend Sh*t.

 

I think you have someone on your hands who did not get any time in between relationships to work out her baggage. Saying that you two got together at a bad time in her life means just that, she latched on to you when she needed a crutch and she is still using you as a crutch.

 

Move on from this one.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Javelin, I hate to tell you this, but the only reason she's with you is to be able to have someone there to fall back on and to support her, and validate her while her heart lies elsewhere.

All she wants is an emotional crutch. You fit the bill nicely, because you keep giving her chance, after chance after chance. She's taking advantage, and taking you for granted.

 

Cut your losses, cut your ties, and move on.

This is going absolutely nowhere, because there's no commitment.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I think people put too much into why there are still feelings for an ex. I am not saying that is the case here, but it happens.

 

It seems with time, we forget about all the wrongs and get sentimental for the good times we had with a particular ex. Doing a similar activity with a new relationship may trigger a memory of a special time with an ex or so forth.

 

I am not that concerned that she has tried to contact him a couple of times in itself. Often, once a contact is made, ALL the memories come back and we quickly realize why they are an ex in the first place.

 

I have an occasional IM with my ex fiance, who I have been broken up from in for nearly two years. I always get strange feelings, but reality quickly sets in afterwards and I know she is really "toxic" for me..lol.

 

What I am concerned about is that she told you the "spark" is gone. That is a problem and is very hard to get back until she is able to sort her feelings out. I am pretty sure that isn't going to happen while you are together. I think you are going to have to give her a break.

 

The fact she always comes back tells me that inside, she knows you are great for her. The newness for you guys have worn off, and she is having memories of some passion and chemistry with the ex.

 

Give her some time to miss you and take control of the situation at the same time. It seems part of the problem is she is driving this thing and you are riding along, unsure what is going to happen next.

 

I know it's hard. What I would suggest is to have a very strong and open talk. Write it down in a letter first if you want to make sure you get your points across. Tell her that you love her, would do anything for her, imagined a future together, etc..BUT..you can't continue to go along when she is telling you there aren't any sparks. It's not fair and you need to move along. My guess, once you give her a little space, she will quickly come to the realization again of how great you are and come running back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think my girlfriend is still, 'in love' with her abusive Ex boyfriend after nearly 3 years and cannot move on from him.

 

My girlfriend basically told me that she is not, 'in love' with me the way she was with her ex-boyfriend. She also tells me that the spark we have is not there anymore.

 

I'm just now finding out in mid- September that she tried to make contact with him and led me to believe everything was going great.

 

She said that one side of her wants to be with me, but the other does not.

 

Javelin, I think you will always be the silver medal contender with this girl. Some women have a hard time letting go of abusive ex's, and she is still trying to get things going with him again.

 

I vote move on as well. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks everyone for the responses and I do apologize for the late reply. I kind of made myself sick with all of this and have not been feeling well today.

 

I thnk I understand what I must do. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry you are having to go through this. I've been on both sides of this and it is heartbreaking....

 

Just wanted to say that it's very difficult for someone who has been through abuse to feel comfortable in a "normal" healthy relationship. They are used to all the drama and dysfunction and can feel quite bored and unsettled without it.

 

It's messed up, I know. But it took me years to understand that I was most comfortable in an abusive relationship because I thought THAT was love.

 

Maybe that's where she is. If so, she will be drawn to abusive situations until she reprograms herself and the way she thinks.

 

For me, I had to go counterintuitive and date men who were thoughtful, sensitive and trustworthy. I had to leave men who weren't. Hard lessons, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for anything.

 

Dysfunction is not love. She just might not be ready to understand that yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...