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BF's female colleagues texting and calling - should I be concerned?


blondiepants

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I am upset about this, and I don't know if I should be. He made me feel like I was being controlling about it. I just don't know.

 

BF started a new job about 2 weeks ago. We both moved to a new city in June, and I have no friends yet, as my "real" job doesn't kick in until this month. Anyway, lately I have noticed that he is getting frequent texts and calls from his female colleagues. It isn't anything inappropriate - I know he isn't cheating, but it does bother me.

 

Why does he think it is appropriate to give out his phone number to single girls? I am just not comfortable with this, whether they are "just friends" or not. I don't think it is right that my boyfriend's phone number has ended up in more than SEVEN single girls' phones.

 

When I brought it up with him, he got really mad, accused me of being controlling, and started being INCREDIBLY mean. He started saying "At least I have friends", or mocking my family, or making fun of me bc I had cramps that day and felt like crap.

 

I don't know - am I being crazy/controlling as he says? Or do I have a valid concern?

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I don't think he should be passing out his number like that, either, and the fact that he's mocking/berating you is simply unacceptable. But, based on what you've said, I can kinda understand why he might have slipped into defensive mode.

 

This: "Why does he think it is appropriate to give out his phone number to single girls? I am just not comfortable with this, whether they are "just friends" or not. I don't think it is right that my boyfriend's phone number has ended up in more than SEVEN single girls' phones." is slightly imperious in tone.

 

First of all, you know the exact number of girls who now have his phone number, indicating that you've done a little investigation, whether overt (asking), or covert (looking at his cell). Noone likes to be investigated. It shows a lack of trust.

 

Secondly, you ask "Why does he think it's appropriate..." when, clearly, you don't care about his reasons, if he has them. You simply want the behavior to stop. Noone likes to have behavior rhetorically called to account.

 

Also this: "I am just not comfortable with this, whether they are "just friends" or not." displays some insecurity. If he says they are "just friends" they are just friends, and you have nothing to fear from them. You need to be able to trust that he's telling the truth. If you can't, you should think long and hard about why you're with him.

 

Third, you say, "I don't think it's right that..." by so doing, you're effectively moralizing the issue, declaring yourself to be in the right and him to be in the wrong. If you want to influence a behavior, you have to get him on your side. You CAN'T get him on your side if you're opposing him.

 

I'm not justifying his actions. I DO think they're inappropriate, just trying to give you a heads up about why he might have responded more defensively than you would have preferred. The way that you approach something like that makes all the difference in the world in how it's received. You may not be controlling, but if you don't play your cards right, it can sure seem that way.

 

Do you have a valid concern? Of course it's a valid concern. Every concern is valid. But pick your battles. Sometimes we just need to go to bed with our concerns. Most of the time they prove to be less concerning than we originally thought.

 

If I were you I would be FAR more concerned about the way he responded to your query. That sounds a lot like emotional abuse, to me.

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I've worked with a bunch of ladies and exchanged phone numbers and yet I am not interested in any of them.

 

I think it's good to have friends as long as you have no other reasons to doubt him.

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I don't think he should be passing out his number like that, either, and the fact that he's mocking/berating you is simply unacceptable. But, based on what you've said, I can kinda understand why he might have slipped into defensive mode.

 

This: "Why does he think it is appropriate to give out his phone number to single girls? I am just not comfortable with this, whether they are "just friends" or not. I don't think it is right that my boyfriend's phone number has ended up in more than SEVEN single girls' phones." is slightly imperious in tone.

 

First of all, you know the exact number of girls who now have his phone number, indicating that you've done a little investigation, whether overt (asking), or covert (looking at his cell). Noone likes to be investigated. It shows a lack of trust.

 

Secondly, you ask "Why does he think it's appropriate..." when, clearly, you don't care about his reasons, if he has them. You simply want the behavior to stop. Noone likes to have behavior rhetorically called to account.

 

Also this: "I am just not comfortable with this, whether they are "just friends" or not." displays some insecurity. If he says they are "just friends" they are just friends, and you have nothing to fear from them. You need to be able to trust that he's telling the truth. If you can't, you should think long and hard about why you're with him.

 

Third, you say, "I don't think it's right that..." by so doing, you're effectively moralizing the issue, declaring yourself to be in the right and him to be in the wrong. If you want to influence a behavior, you have to get him on your side. You CAN'T get him on your side if you're opposing him.

 

I'm not justifying his actions. I DO think they're inappropriate, just trying to give you a heads up about why he might have responded more defensively than you would have preferred. The way that you approach something like that makes all the difference in the world in how it's received. You may not be controlling, but if you don't play your cards right, it can sure seem that way.

 

Do you have a valid concern? Of course it's a valid concern. Every concern is valid. But pick your battles. Sometimes we just need to go to bed with our concerns. Most of the time they prove to be less concerning than we originally thought.

 

If I were you I would be FAR more concerned about the way he responded to your query. That sounds a lot like emotional abuse, to me.

 

What a masterful analysis: I want you to translate all my boy problems. ;)

 

And I agree with you on the bfs response: not cool, not cool at all.

 

And blondiepants, did he have those friends from before, or just after he met you? I agree 7 is a bit much if they are all new and are not in some after-work project together.

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When I brought it up it was more of a "I don't understand why all the girls from your new job seem to have your phone number... are you giving it out?" I then said "it makes me uncomfortable that you would do that."

 

None of these people were in his life before - they are all brand new "friends".

 

The only reason I know how many there are is because I have kept track of who he says has texted or called. I haven't looked at his phone records or anything.

 

I guess I just feel uncomfortable. It bothers me that he feels the need to befriend all of the females from his office. Why? Out of respect for him, I shy away from friendships with guys, since there's always a part of me that doubts a guy's intentions. I don't think it would be respectful to my boyfriend to have a bunch of single guys texting me, which is why I just don't befriend guys.

 

The stuff he said to me was awful, and I am pretty upset about it. My sister happens to be in the hospital right now, and he actually mocked the circumstances that put her there. He also yelled at me, and smugly spoke to me while rolling his eyes while grinning smugly. All while, in essence, berating me, my family, the fact that I haven't made any friends yet in this city, and my cramps.

 

I just don't know what to do... Sometimes I want to break up with him SO badly, but I just can't. We live together, and it would be too difficult financially. One of us would essentially have to pay rent while not living there, and neither of us could do that financially right now.

 

Ugh, I don't know. I was so pissed about today that I told him to just leave me alone. So guess what he did? He went out - likely with some of the girls from his work.

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I don't know, that kind of abusiveness is not good to stay around, especially just because of practicalities. It will become way more difficult to live there if his cruel behavior continues. Break the lease and figure out how to manage the financesif need be. It's generally easier to recover from than emotional stuff. It's only money. Abusers just wear one down and then there is even less energy for escape. And though I am a gal with lots of guy friends, seven new gal pals from work would be ringing all kinds of bells in my head. This guy has at least two major strikes against him. How long have you been together?

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Four years.

 

Isolated? I don't know. Sometimes he gets REALLY mean - he has said horrible things to me before. Generally, whenever I raise a concern about our relationship, or if I want to talk about things, I can expect an onslaught of nastiness. I posted a while back about a situation where he called me a "cunt". He's used other words too *******, bitch, **** you, etc... But I would be lying if I said that I hadn't ever said anything mean to him as well.

 

His mom was verbally/emotionally abusive to him for his whole life. Sometimes I have felt like he is continuing the pattern.

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Four years is a lot of emotional investment. Regardless, emotional abuse is NEVER justified. I would recommend couples counseling if you're interested in keeping things afloat, but I can't for the life of me think of why you would want to spend your life with someone who treats you like that. He needs to understand that he CANNOT continue that pattern if he wants you to stick around.

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I don't know - am I being crazy/controlling as he says? Or do I have a valid concern?
Both of you just moved to a new city and it just so happens that his job began before yours. All of his contacts are work-related yet he mocks you for being friendless. Brutal.

 

If these women are only friends in his mind, then he would have introduced you to them as a means of helping you expand your social circle in this new city. None of his behaviour makes sense to me from a logical/rational standpoint.

 

Have you already declined an offer to be introduced to these new friends? If so, that might explain some of his behaviour.

 

I reviewed posting history and, frankly, am concerned for your well-being. Your boyfriend may have deep and serious issues due to being raised by a controlling and demanding Mother and watching her walk over his doormat Father. What if he is unconsciously trying on some of her behaviour in an attempt to understand her? Put yourself in his Father's shoes and determine for yourself how well those shoes fit.

 

Your boyfriend started changing when you two moved in together. He began with the abusive language, reneging on promises and making no effort to work on your relationship.

 

I know you dated for years prior to moving with him yet you must be wondering who this person is that has taken over your boyfriend's body!

 

On one of your previous threads, a poster made a comment about a friend of theirs who made arrangements for their SO to find another roommate and then moved out. I recommend you look at this option and be prepared to move out shortly after your new job starts.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this and, unless he seeks help, it won't get better anytime soon.

 

Take care.

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Both of you just moved to a new city and it just so happens that his job began before yours. All of his contacts are work-related yet he mocks you for being friendless. Brutal.

 

If these women are only friends in his mind, then he would have introduced you to them as a means of helping you expand your social circle in this new city. None of his behaviour makes sense to me from a logical/rational standpoint.

 

Have you already declined an offer to be introduced to these new friends? If so, that might explain some of his behaviour.

 

I reviewed posting history and, frankly, am concerned for your well-being. Your boyfriend may have deep and serious issues due to being raised by a controlling and demanding Mother and watching her walk over his doormat Father. What if he is unconsciously trying on some of her behaviour in an attempt to understand her? Put yourself in his Father's shoes and determine for yourself how well those shoes fit.

 

Your boyfriend started changing when you two moved in together. He began with the abusive language, reneging on promises and making no effort to work on your relationship.

 

I know you dated for years prior to moving with him yet you must be wondering who this person is that has taken over your boyfriend's body!

 

On one of your previous threads, a poster made a comment about a friend of theirs who made arrangements for their SO to find another roommate and then moved out. I recommend you look at this option and be prepared to move out shortly after your new job starts.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this and, unless he seeks help, it won't get better anytime soon.

 

Take care.

 

I agree with this post 100%.

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I appreciate the time you took to review my posting history. I just read it too, and back to back it all sounded pretty bad. When you look at it like that, i guess it is bad.

 

I have some serious thinking to do, and it really scares me.

 

Thanks for all the input.

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Is it possible he needs their numbers for work? I mean, I have many male coworkers in my phone because I have need to contact them off hours for business matters. Could that be the case here, or is he strictly friends with these girls off hours?

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