RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Hello all! I'm new here but my ever concerned friend recently posted a thread about me moving in together w/ my new guy of 1.5 months... I thought I would go ahead and ask a question since you have seemed so helpful to her. So yes, the new beux is moving into my apartment. We have the understanding that if this doesn't work out he moves out because it is my place. However, before we worry about the bad, let's focus on the good. What can I do to help him feel at home and welcome in my home? I am in the process of making a space for his dresser and trying to find room for what ever he will be bringing. I told him that while he is here, this is his home too. Any suggestions? I look forward to hearing your thoughts (good & bad- I was warned ) Link to post Share on other sites
serialgf Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 have you ever lived with a boyfriend before? i think that would make a difference to the advice i would give you. its hard to tell from your post how you feel about the relationship, the premise under which you are moving in together, etc. like, is it because you're so madly in love, or is it to save on rent, etc? i have been thinking about having my bf move in with me and we've been together for almost a year! and we are both still wary to make the big move!! like you, its my place so if it didn't work out he would have to move out so he sees it as he's the one who loses if it doesn't work out and i agree, so we are still just thinking about it... are you both equally on-board with the whole moving in thing? in general, 1.5 months seems super soon to be living together but knowing the details would help us to make an informed decision Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 I lived with my ex for 11 years... He is moving in because his roommate wants to play house with his girlfriend. I told him he could move in here. He said we can stay here until things fall apart with his roommates relationship then we can take his old place. He gave it a lot of thought and looked at other places. It wasn't a quick decision on his part- nor on mine. We have been discussing it for about 3 weeks. He did however call me out on wanting a husband (we are both in our 30's) and I said he was right- I was. He said ok... it's too soon to tell, but let's see what happens.... Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 My best friend and her beau moved in together two days after they met (he was looking for a place to stay and she was looking for a roomate). That was seven years ago and they're still together, married with two kids and they're one of my favorite couples. Very in love and very caring. I also moved in with my ex ex within 3 months of being together and the living arrangement never caused any problems. I think making space for the other person is important - but what's more important is trusting that you both want what's best for each other and letting that trust lead you in all your communications. Like let's say you encounter a classic live-in situation like: who has to clean what when. Trust that you can hear each other out and find a compromise that suit you both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 Yeah. We seem to be very good at communicating so far. I hate playing games and if I am upset by something I tell him right away- not in the complaining, whining, me me me way- but in the rational 'I don't like this way' and he is always responsive and works to remedy whatever bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
clare Moser Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Hello all! I'm new here but my ever concerned friend recently posted a thread about me moving in together w/ my new guy of 1.5 months... I thought I would go ahead and ask a question since you have seemed so helpful to her. So yes, the new beux is moving into my apartment. We have the understanding that if this doesn't work out he moves out because it is my place. However, before we worry about the bad, let's focus on the good. What can I do to help him feel at home and welcome in my home? I am in the process of making a space for his dresser and trying to find room for what ever he will be bringing. I told him that while he is here, this is his home too. Any suggestions? I look forward to hearing your thoughts (good & bad- I was warned ) Its great that you are making space for his stuff! Another great idea is to use his bedding for awhile (sheets, comforter) it may not be your style, but it will make him feel more comfortable and at home. You both seem to have thought this through so just enjoy yourselfs! If you get mad however don't kick him out or threaten it. Just take time to cool off first and then decide, its way harder to take those comments back than it is to just not say them!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 My ex moved in with me a week and a half after we met (then lived together for 5 years, btw). He didn't bring much more than his stereo and clothes and some books, but like you, I made room in the closet and dressers for him. I also made space in the BATHROOM, which guys tweak over, and I moved all my feminine products so they weren't so obvious (strange how men react to tampons - lol). Back then we had a landline at home, so I made sure we changed the VM to both of our voices and names on it. I also took care of adding his name to the mailbox, as he wouldn't have thought of it - lol. Have you already discussed rent/bill payment? Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck818 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 How about you make room in your mind and tell yourself moving in with someone after 1.5 months is absolutely INSANE? Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 How about you make room in your mind and tell yourself moving in with someone after 1.5 months is absolutely INSANE? I'm going to have to agree here. Unless extenuating circumstances are involved, why the rush? Whenever people do stuff like this, all I can think is that they know their relationship is not good, and they believe that changing the dynamic will somehow make it good? It's silly! Link to post Share on other sites
lovestruck818 Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I lived with my ex for 11 years... He is moving in because his roommate wants to play house with his girlfriend. I told him he could move in here. He said we can stay here until things fall apart with his roommates relationship then we can take his old place. He gave it a lot of thought and looked at other places. It wasn't a quick decision on his part- nor on mine. We have been discussing it for about 3 weeks. He did however call me out on wanting a husband (we are both in our 30's) and I said he was right- I was. He said ok... it's too soon to tell, but let's see what happens.... 11 years and no marriage- Roro & Manu if you are reading this, this is exactly the point I alluded to in the other cohabitation thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Whenever people do stuff like this, all I can think is that they know their relationship is not good, and they believe that changing the dynamic will somehow make it good? It's silly! Actually I don't see your logic here. Yes, people sometimes do the move thing to change the dynamic of their relationship, but this is usually after a year or two, once they've actually had time to start suspecting their relationship is no good. Kind of like: maybe if we take the next step things will get better? After a month and a half, you have no idea whether your relationship is good or not - and that's why moving in early is risky. But with my friend's, JB's and my own experience (and I could throw in my parent's), we have 3 examples of early moves that didn't destroy the relationship - so sometimes it does work. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Really! Why the poison pills being dropped? Sometimes you just *know*. Yes, I was very young when I met my ex, but I was so overwhelmingly and deeply in love, and I was convinced he was my soul mate. Even now, years after our break-up, I am STILL totally sure he was "the one". I think when you are younger, as I imagine the OP is, you take greater risks for love. You also have a lot less to lose if it doesn't work out. Now, at 33, would I do that again? Doubtful. I have a lot more to lose now, and I'm not as impulsive. But I have not ONE regret for how our relationship happened. 5 years of living together is a lot longer than most marriages... OP - have a great time. My only other comment is to be mindful of how much you combine and join early on. Because my ex and weren't married, certain things we had merged became very difficult to extricate once we split (for example, the car he owned was registered in my name. When I wanted to get off of it, the DMV said if I had a divorce decree, no problem - but since I didn't, it became a very complicated situation.). Just be careful in situations like that... Otherwise - I envy your situation - I had a great time living with my ex in the beginning - staying up until 4AM talking and making love, seeing his shoes in the hallway when I got home, making dinner together... it's all lovely! Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Actually I don't see your logic here. Yes, people sometimes do the move thing to change the dynamic of their relationship, but this is usually after a year or two, once they've actually had time to start suspecting their relationship is no good. Kind of like: maybe if we take the next step things will get better? After a month and a half, you have no idea whether your relationship is good or not - and that's why moving in early is risky. But with my friend's, JB's and my own experience (and I could throw in my parent's), we have 3 examples of early moves that didn't destroy the relationship - so sometimes it does work. Are two people's personal experiences as seen on an online forum supposed to be science? Believe me, for every rare example of early moves working out, I can give you at least ten examples of those that didn't. Anomalies don't make the average. I guess I just don't see the point in such a rush--if you DO have something good, why would you want to change it, to make it something more than it is prematurely? You're right--at a month and a half, their relationship has barely started--so why not ride it out a bit longer and see what comes, if they're actually a good couple, if they can overcome trials, etc? Isn't it more special if it happens naturally, over time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 How about you make room in your mind and tell yourself moving in with someone after 1.5 months is absolutely INSANE? Hey I don't claim to be remotely sane. I know exactly how crazy this is. Both of us do. This isn't an attempt to change our relationship at all. It's more of a 'we have discussed what we want from life and from a life partner and we are looking for the same thing so let's give it a go' kind of thing. We have also discussed the business end of things. Everything will be split 50/50. I don't consider it as rushing (although it is fast) just as going with the momentum. But believe me, I appreciate the candor. The situation with my ex nearly destroyed me because we sat in limbo for so long. I know limbo- and I won't go there again. The difference this time is that I am no longer afraid to be alone. If this doesn't work I won't be afraid to admit it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 I think when you are younger, as I imagine the OP is, you take greater risks for love. You also have a lot less to lose if it doesn't work out. Now, at 33, would I do that again? Doubtful. I have a lot more to lose now, and I'm not as impulsive. I'm 31 and he is 32... Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I'm 31 and he is 32... Still go for it, what the heck. Who knows, maybe I would! If I had the same kind of feelings as I did for my ex, then I very well might. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 I figure I actually don't have a lot to lose now. Only a lot to gain if it works. With my ex I basically went through a 'divorce' (I left him) and survived and came out stronger in the end. But I know what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 Ok... cleared the way for his dresser, two shelves in the bathroom + space on the main shelf. I just don't know what to do about the closet... I have so much crap! Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I hope you know what you're doing here. Moving in together after 1.5 months together?!?! You're being way too hasty here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RealisticOptimist Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 Yup. Utterly senseless... Link to post Share on other sites
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