Gun-shy Posted January 18, 2002 Share Posted January 18, 2002 I would really like to hear from men on this issue or women who have experienced being a "good for now," girl. My question is what the signs are that a man may give you that you are a "good for now" girl rather than someone whom he is dating to actually look to take it to a more serious level. "Good for now" meaning someone with whom he is seeing to pass the time, or enjoy physical aspects or fun but knowing that in his head it will not progress any further. I have been dating a guy for four months and I am seriously afraid of getting burned here. He does call every day, sometimes more. He is extremely affectionate and is there when I really need him. I could list other great qualities but for you all, I will list the negative tendancies I have noticed while dating him so you can tell me if these are some of the signs, or something I should worry about. 1.)Is tentative about making plans at times. Says things like, "I'll call you at 6, and see if you want to do something." Rather than planning ahead a day in advance like at the beggining, he likes to just play it by ear that same day. At times he will plan, but often not. 2.) He says he is not seeing or having sex with anyone else (he is honest). Yet, I have told him that I am still dating or may date others.His reaction to this is "do what you feel,I am in no position to tell you what to do," rather than expressing that he does not want me to see others.Does he not care then? 3.)We have only had "sleepovers," three times since we started dating. 4.) After four months our lives still remain pretty seperate. Meaning, on weekends we dont spend during the day together.Our dates remain evening events, averaging two times per week. We have not met eachothers family. We have met some friends, but not all the important "key" people.We do not do every day activities together like grocery shop, work out,do errands together, things like that. So, does any of this sound like red flags of being a "good for now" girl? Any experiences or comments from both the male or female side on this issue? Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel Posted January 18, 2002 Share Posted January 18, 2002 You raise some very good points. However, you have ONLY been dating for 4 months. That is not necessarioy enough of a time to be "grocery shopping" or spending the whole day together...... I would say different relationships move at different speeds. Probably the first thing is to ask him what he wants out of this relationship.... what is he looking for? It DOES however, sound like this is a two way street. 1. You have told him you may or are going out with other people. So, what is the poor guy to think? Wear his heart on his sleave then have it broken? 2. You say you haven't met eachothers families.... How come you haven't introduced him to yours? 3. Sleepovers... depends on how close you live to eachother, and how it would fit into eachothers schedules. Re-examine what YOU are looking for, and where YOUR true feelings are before wondering where his true feelings are. Link to post Share on other sites
Peaches Posted January 18, 2002 Share Posted January 18, 2002 If you are still dating other people, then mabye he doesn't want to get too close. How does he know that you won't go off and meet some other guy that you like more? You are asking us if you are the "good for now girl." Maybe he is just your "good for now guy." Who knows? If you want things to change between the two of you, you should sit him down and talk about it. Peaches Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted January 18, 2002 Share Posted January 18, 2002 First, a "good for now girl" could be a girl a guy has not fallen in love with yet. When a guy dates a girl, the obligation to fall madly in love with her does not go with that. And, yes, very often we meet someone else for whom we have incredible chemistry and stop dating others so we can concentrate on that person. I don't understand your beef. You've got a guy who is being very honest with you about his feelings. It's pretty obvious he's not bonkers over you and that's OK. If every guy you went out with went bonkers over you, that would be pretty boring and create an equal amount of uncertainty for you. You are free to date others and that's great. I hope you find a guy where there is mutual attraction and passion and then you will have what you want. Now, to your questions: 1. "1.)Is tentative about making plans at times. Says things like, "I'll call you at 6, and see if you want to do something." Rather than planning ahead a day in advance like at the beggining, he likes to just play it by ear that same day. At times he will plan, but often not. He considers dating you a more casual thing. I don't think he's using you as a "good for now girl." He is simply being himself and giving you as much or more freedom to do what you want as he's giving himself. You've got to respect a person who lives their life as they desire. Has he been disrepectful to you? If he doesn't ask you out in time, you can always decline. As a matter of fact, you may light this guy's fire if you stop being so available and give him the distinct impression he's NOT the only thing you've got going. Tell him NO now and then. 2.) He says he is not seeing or having sex with anyone else (he is honest). Yet, I have told him that I am still dating or may date others.His reaction to this is "do what you feel,I am in no position to tell you what to do," rather than expressing that he does not want me to see others.Does he not care then? He is very mature and what he told you is quite true. He has absolutely no right to tell you what to do...even if he was in a committed relationship with you. The only person he should try to control is himself. These are words coming from a very mature guy. On the other hand, you are right in that if he were really bonkers over you he would ask for some exclusivity. Maybe that will come in time if he "falls" but then again it may not. Whether or not he may fall in love with you is a gamble you will will have to decide on. 3.)We have only had "sleepovers," three times since we started dating. That's three more than a lot of people have had. Did you enjoy them? Great!!! Don't take them for granted. He has not misled you in any way so, again, I see no reason for you to have a beef. I can, however, understand your frustration with all this but if he's hasn't fallen yet or is not going to, hey...that's life. 4.) After four months our lives still remain pretty seperate. Meaning, on weekends we dont spend during the day together.Our dates remain evening events, averaging two times per week. We have not met eachothers family. We have met some friends, but not all the important "key" people.We do not do every day activities together like grocery shop, work out,do errands together, things like that. You are not a couple. You have made a lot more of this dating thing than he has. You are perfectly free to date others. If you aren't spending a lot of time together, either he doesn't require that from a lady, he has other things he needs to do, or his level of fondness for you is not what it should be. It sounds like you have a lot of needs that aren't being met here and you need to find someone who better fits the bill. That being considered, it seems that YOU are using HIM as a "good for now guy" and making a great mistake in the process...because he is NOT good for now. You simply aren't happy. So why are you around him? What are you getting out of dating him except passing the time until a better deal comes along? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted January 18, 2002 Share Posted January 18, 2002 I think Tony has hit the nail on the head. It's not a question of you being his "good for now girl" it's the other way around. You're looking for more than he is offering -- you owe it to yourself (and to him!) to go out and find it. Link to post Share on other sites
Gun-shy Posted January 18, 2002 Share Posted January 18, 2002 All this has really been bugging me. Thank you everyone for the great responses. Suprisingly enough, I just had a conversation with him about this an hour ago because I just needed to question him about the relationship more. It went really well, and some suprising revelations occured. It seems that I was waiting for HIM to set "the pace" of the relationship, when he on the other hand was looking to ME to set the pace. He revealed how much he likes me, and that he felt in a way that he was "the good for now" person, so he was waiting for me to figure out what I wanted. We have found that both of us were scared to "scare" the other off with pushing more intamacy so we were waiting for the other to ask for it. It does suck that I had to be the person to bring this up first, I really wanted him to do it, but the results are the same I suppose. Time will tell if his actions will back up his words. Thanks again for the advice everyone, it did help alot. Link to post Share on other sites
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