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Pressure... death of love? Overreacting?


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Hello everybody,

 

This will be quiet a long read as it's a pretty complicated situation. It's not in my nature to do these kinds of things but I must admit that I do feel the need to ask for a helping hand... Something that I've never felt or asked for before.

In the following text I'll try to describe you the situation with the needed info, if you think you need more info to fully understand the situation be free to ask as I'm really in need of an outsiders perspective...

 

My state of mind at this moment:

 

I'm having the biggest pressure on me I've ever had. We're having family issues between the three sides of the family (mother/father divorced and the grandfather) and I'm the guy who everbody goes to with their problems as they see me as the man who will fix everything...

My grandfather is a man who single handedly established one of the biggest firms of our country!!! He has only one daughter, my mother, which he thinks is not qualified to reign the "empire" as they put it. My grandfather sees in me the birth of the son he never had and wants to give me everything and is doing so already. Making me owner of quite a few firms at 19... Doing this though skipping the generation of my mother. As I'm quite young my grandfather wanted somebody to keep the blood in the family till I was old enough to become the "boss" myself... For this he chose my father and ex-husband of my mother... This has caused the necessary familytrouble as the new husband of my mother was revenge for this humiliation (that's the way he sees it) and also the fact that my grandfather is utterly unkind to anyone that works for him (that's his business persona...old-school tactic), this creating the situation that my father comes to me everyday telling me how bad he's feeling there, my mother crying to me that she isn't appreciated and my stepfather who's a bomb waiting to explode... I'm in the middle of all of this... I'm the one that everybody wants and to be honest I can't bare this much longer... I'm under the biggest stress I've ever been these past few weeks... (I hadn't told my g/f any of this because I wouldn't want anything distracting her mind of her objective: passing her exams)...

 

The situation before:

 

In the past I had a number of girlfriends from time to time. They were always very pretty people... Then after having a few of those relationships I came to the simple conclusion that looks aren't everything... And that I really don't care about relationships persé. I promised myself to stay single till I finally found the "perfect" girl, the girl who has it all: humor, intelligence and isn't unattractive (that reason being the least important of the three).

So time passed and after being single for a year I suddenly met this girl out of the blue and man she had it ALL. It was incredible... I remember feeling like she was just to perfect to be true... And the craziest thing of all is that she felt the same way about me!! Great!!!!

We started dating. We had great great moments and I really cherished every single second I could spend with her! She really was a dream come true. Then after 2 months we had to study for our exams at the university... We both study economics.

Anyhow, we saw eachother every 3-4 days, because we just had to study like crazy. But called every single day for hours and hours. Magnificent...

 

The birth of our first problem:

 

After our exams we went to a fancy restaurant and had a great time and night... Just wonderful!! At that moment we didn't have our results yet, so we still were in a carefree zone :D. Oh god how I love those moments... A few days later though we get our results and guess what... I passed them all... While she had to redo 5 exams that summer... This instantly made me sad as I knew that august would be a lonely month for me and a hellish month for her and that as I'd be on vacation that july I wouldn't be able to see much of her that summer at all...

Anyhow, we started planning a vacation for the two of us so that we could have a great time after her 2nd round of exams in august :D and catch up on all the time we had to miss eachother. We were going to a tropical destination with lots of parties, beaches, etc... Seemed a perfect way to "balance the equation" and having that in the prospect I'd be a way for both of us to survive this difficult episode in our relationship, the test of time and stress (as everybody knows that people who have exams are going semi-crazy hehehe).

 

Solitude

 

Then I leave for vacation with the family for 3 weeks. I missed her to death, especially the third week was just agony. At this moment I was shocked about how hard my feelings were for her as I've never ever missed somebody to such a point of my being sad...

Anyhow I come back and the next day we meet up and we have a great great time as we always do :D. Just laughing, joking, talking, enjoying eachothers' presence again after 3 looooong weeks...

Then I left for a festival in a foreign country and when I came back she was studying like crazy so we couldn't meet up. I told her I wouldn't be calling her to much or asking her to much to meet up as she had more important things to worry about than me... Her exams ofcourse!! I'm not the typical egocentric bastard who will try get his way and although I was sad I coudln't see her for the next 4 weeks I gladly made that sacrifice if I knew she'd make good exams that way...

 

The Lunatic a.k.a. her mother

 

A week ago (2 weeks into her exams) she calls me with the news that her mother had decided what her punishment was for daring to not passing an exam... (Which is absurd as only 18% passed the first round!!!!)... She had to redo an exam which she had passed!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. If it isn't bad enough that the girl has to study all summer she now has to redo yet ANOTHER exam... That's all though... This exam is the last exam of the second round... Which has as side-effect that we won't be able to go on our planned vacation!!!!!!!! That's not everything though, in that week extra that she has to study thanks to her mother is her birthday and our 4 month "anniversary". I mean common is this woman crazy???? Forcing her child to redo an exam, taking away her vacation AND her birthday... THIS MADE ME FURIOUS!!!! Furious towards the mother, dissapointed towards my g/f. Why? Because she was to scared of her mother to rebel... She just accepted the punishment... Seriously, what the hell!!!! I'd go crazy crazy crazy... After a bit of time of thinking a cooling down I tried not to be dissapointed at the girl as her mother is just crazy, but for a few days each time she called I felt sad... Sad knowing I won't be seeing her a week extra, sad we won't be going on vacation... One thing is waiting for someone you love in the prospect you'll be able to make it up later by doing something great, another thing is waiting for someone knowing the next time you'll see eachother will be around the time when we have to go to school. AAAAAAAAHRRRR. Really... This again isn't typical for me, but I really heartbroken for a day or 5. Call me a sissy, but hey that's me then...

 

YESTERDAY, THE SHOCK; TODAY, THE CONFRONTATION

 

Yesterday I came back from work and a mate of mine talks to me on msn and he's like. Man you'll never believe who I saw today doing the same exam as me... YOUR GIRLFRIEND... I respond to him that that's impossible as she passed that exam. My mate swore the saw her... I coudln't believe it, having talked to her a few days ago. (The past few days she had been very sick so I called to check up, but didn't talk to much as I told her she had to try to sleep to recover more quickly...).

Anyhow today I was on msn and I asked her expecting the answer to be no and thinking my friend was just mistaking and she said: Yes... but she didn't think it was important to tell me!!!!! I'm stressing the whole time when she's doing her exams and then she thinks it's not even important to tell me her mother forced her to redo YET ANOTHER exam!!!!! ****ing hell, that mother is just crazy!!!!!! Anyways the fact that she didn't tell me and I had to hear it from a friend of mine was just a blow in the face!!!! I was just so mad that I closed the laptop and left... Went for a walk to cool down and place her decision in another perspective... I still couldn't understand it, but hell I at this moment I do feel I'm taking her study life a but to seriously... Yet for some reason I feel like it's my duty to worry for her... Or atleast my heart feels that way (the brain isn't).

She then sent me a textmessage saying she was sorry. Very plain text so I could see that she didn't really mean it, she felt forced to do so. So that night (at an hour I know she has stopped studying) I call her to confront her and ask her why... She said she didn't have any special reason and said that I was to concerned with her study carrier... That's a fact, but just at that moment she tells me she won't be doing her exam statistics!!!!!!! I knew she was really bad at it and without exagerating I must have begged her about 400 times in the past month to let me help her with that subject as I'm really good at it. She said no every single time saying I'd think she was stupid. To which I responed that I'd help her out of love and everbody has it's talents you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours... That's what a relationship is all about right? Helping, caring, loving... Anyhow she refused saying that she would study it by her self... Okay, I respected her decision and now this????? After me begging for weeks to help her and refusing she just gives up..... MAN MAN MAN. But I shut my mouth. Didn't say anything just that she's a grown woman (19) she has to do what she believes is right, but that I have another opinion. That was it. Didn't even elaborate around the subject as I knew it wouldn't help the situation...

Then she tells me about this guy who works at the university who has a huge crush on her and sends her e-mails and stuff... She even met up with him a few times (months before we had anything going on so no prob). She saw him today and he was being all nice to her and that she enjoyed seeing him.. She meant it in a friend way ofcourse but still... The guy isn't!!!!!!!

At that moment I became really cold... I reacted a bit distant... How the **** would anybody else react... And I said that my worring and being so unme is just because I love her so much and if she couldn't handle it we might as well break up... Not in those words I was more subtle... I asked her what she thought of us at this moment and she said that at that moment she didn't think about anything other than school and her being sick in the belly...

I decided to explain my situation at home... In the hope that she understood the kind of stress I'm under at the moment... The stress that most certainly plays an important factor in the way I'm reacting to the 'negative' news she tells me... Hope she understood? Don't know she was sick and tired...

Then we said goodbye... And now I'm here with you guys...

 

Conclusion

 

I'm going crazy the stress I'm under because of the family **** and her is to much to bare for a mere human like me... The fact that I'm constantly thinking of her a missing her, because I have the time to and that she isn't because she doesn't have the time is killing me... Her mother ****ed up all our plans which means we won't be able to have any real vacation time together at all!!!! All this is driving me crazy to such an extent that I'm considering breaking up with the best girl I've ever met just to have some piece of mind...

 

What do you think of the situation? The way I react? The way she reacts to her mothers' punishment? Anything....

 

Don't know... Any thoughts would be appreciated, but please only by people who've donated some of their precious time to read this from A to Z as otherwise you wouldn't be getting the whole picture... Which is needed....

 

With love and respect,

 

TNM

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TNM,

 

I think you are seriously overreacting. If you don't learn to calm down and let go of control, you'll give yourself a stroke by 40.

 

If you don't break up with her, you're going to push her away by being overly involved in her problems. Be supportive, but don't try to take over as it is her life.

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Wow, what a long story.

 

First I think you analyze things too much. Just the length of your post is a strong indicator that you over analyze and over react to everything.

 

In regards to her studies, did it not occur to you that she wants to be proud to make it on her own? Why do you insist so much to help her? Offer your help once, perhaps twice, but that's it. If she wants your help she will ask for it.

 

As for her decision to listen to her mother and re-do exams, that is none of your business and nothing you should be angry about. She's 19, she lives with her parents, it is only normal for her to listen to her mom. Plus, her mom is not telling her to be a criminal - she is pushing her to go through her studies at a steady pace, something any loving mother would do.

 

She's doing the right thing but yet you get angry at her? Why, because you can't spend time with her? Don't you have anything else better to do than waiting for her all the time? You go on vacation and you can't even enjoy yourself?

 

Alright, take a deep breath... I see nothing wrong with your situation except the way you've been reacting. You need to toughen up, buddy.

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Slapshot2286

Dude you're totally overreacting...seriously. I mean, the mom sounds like a freak, but imagine the stress you're putting on the girl by getting mad at her for doing what...studying, and listening to her parents? That's a good girl right there, man. Those girls that rebel...it gets old quick. This girl is trying to get her priorities straight, and you can't be mad at that. The fact that she didn't tell you about her exam says what...that she kept it from you? No...that she was too busy studying under pressure to tell you about ANOTHER exam. So what?

 

Now, does it suck that your trip got screwed? Yeah. But plans are just a list of things that never happen in reality. So your plans got screwed up...sucks. Go make some new plans, and focus on making her happy, not stressed...and that will help you be happy and relaxed, too.

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Thanks for the posts people... And as I was expecting I'm overreacting. It's just the pressure of everything coming together that got me... I'm only human right.... It's funny as normally I don't have a care in the world and don't think about anything but my own business hehe...

 

Thanks a lot!

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I think you are overreacting and overanalyzing. She took an exam and you got mad at her for not telling you?? I am sorry, I don't see the problem, or a reason why you could be mad at her for that. Now if you had studied with her for weeks for that exam, and then she decided not to take it, I'd understand if you were pissed as in 'thanks for wasting me time'. But you know she got 6 exams to take, and she is studying all the time, and then you get angry because she did not tell you when she was taking what exam?

 

Seriously, I don't think she is the one who needs to apologize, but you. Back off and give her some room to study and make up her mind about which exams she wants to take and which she doesn't. And the issue with her mother; what she needs from you is a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on, not pressure or anger. Have not you heard yet that girls don't expect their boyfriends to solve their problems for them but listen to them and give them reassurance and support?

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